Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 22

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

I apologize if this one's a little less funny than normal--I was dealing with severe anxiety when I wrote it and some of the things hit a little too close to home. Plus the subject matter was just harder to make funny :/

Chapter 22

[Harry and Ron go with Professor McGonagall to Dumbledore’s office]

Dumbledore: Yes? What do you want?

Professor McGonagall: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Harry says he had a dream where Mr. Weasley was attacked!

Dumbledore: Oh, very interesting. Harry, describe this dream to me.

Harry: I was the snake that attacked Mr. Weasley!

Dumbledore: Everard and Dylis, go find Mr. Weasley and make sure he gets help.

Portraits: Will you give us more screentime if we do?

Dumbledore: There’s no time for questions—just do it!

[The portraits leave]

Dumbledore: Now then, let me see if I can use one of my instruments to figure out what’s going on….

[An instrument produces a snake out of smoke, which splits in two]

[Just then, the portraits return]

Dilys: Dumbledore, Arthur Weasley has been taken to St. Mungo’s.

Harry: St. Mango’s?

Ron: No, St. Mungo’s.

Harry: Whatever.

Dumbledore: Alright, now that that’s settled, I’ll need Professor McGonagall to wake the other Weasleys, and Fawkes to send a warning to Molly.

Fawkes: Why do I have to go do that?

Dumbledore: Because I said so.

Fawkes: Oh, whatever.

Dumbledore: Oh, and Phineas?

Phineas Nigellus: Yes, what is it?

Dumbledore: Go to the Order at once and make sure they know what’s happened to Arthur Weasley.

Phineas Nigellus: What if I don’t want to get up this late at night?

Dumbledore: Then the other portraits will chastise you for hours on end for not serving me in all things.

Phineas: Oh, fine. I’ll see if my other portrait’s still there.

[The other Weasleys enter]

Ginny: What…what happened?

McGonagall: Your father has been injured, and so we’re sending you back to Number 12 Grimmauld Place for further instructions. You’ll meet your mother there.

Dumbledore: I’ve even conveniently created a Portkey for you to ensure that you get back safely.

Phineas: By the way, the coast is clear whenever you’re ready.

Harry: Oooooh, my scar’s burning, and…I feel the urge to bite Dumbledore now!

Dumbledore: Off you go! [Hands everyone the Portkey]

[The Portkey spirits them to Number 12 Grimmauld Place]

Sirius: What exactly brings you here so late at night?

Harry: I had a vision that Arthur Weasley was attacked!

Ginny: Sirius, can we go to St. Mungo’s?

Sirius: No. Not until your mother gets here and becomes aware of everything that’s going on. Nobody can know that Harry had this vision.

Harry: Why am I always a target everywhere I go?! Why does my life suck so baaaaad?!

Sirius: Anyway, for the time being, let’s just stay here and wait for your mother. [Fetches butterbeer]

[After a time, a parchment arrives from Mrs. Weasley]

George: It says that our father is still alive, and that our mother wants us to stay here.

Fred: Wow, you read it without my help! Is this a sign that you’re developing a personality?

George: I wouldn’t count on it….

[Mrs. Weasley arrives in the early hours of the morning]

Mrs. Weasley: So, the good news, children, is that your father isn’t going to die. He’s going to be alright.

Weasley children: Hooray!

Harry: Oh, good—this means I don’t have to view their suffering on the same level as mine!

Mrs. Weasley: And I owe it all to Harry—if he hadn’t alerted us who knows when my husband would have been found?

Harry: Hooray! She doesn’t blame me!

Sirius: I’d just like to say that for as long as Mr. Weasley is in the hospital, my home is your home.

Mrs. Weasley: Ah, Sirius—thoughtful as ever!

Harry: Anyway, Sirius, can I talk to you alone?

Sirius: Certainly—I aim to please!

[Harry tells Sirius what’s happened]

Sirius: Did you tell Dumbledore about this?

Harry: I did, but he didn’t tell me anything in response. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? [Cries]

Sirius: I’m sure that’s not it. If for no other reason than that you’re the main character.

Harry: But I got the urge to attack Dumbledore too. Sirius, am I being possessed by a snake?

Sirius: I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe if you tried doing some yoga it would help?

Harry: I don’t have time for that!

Sirius: Well…it seems like you’re blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault. Maybe if you took a nap it would help?

[But Harry can’t sleep]

Harry: How can I sleep now?! What if the snake takes over while I’m unconscious?! [Cries] WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS?!

Ron: Harry, can you not capslock right now? I’m trying to nap.

Harry: Sorry…. [Cries]

[The next day, Mad-Eye and Tonks escort them to St. Mungo’s]

Harry: Wow, these people look terrible!

Ron: What can you expect from magical illnesses and injuries?

Harry: Are those people wearing the wand and bone insignia the hospital’s doctors?

Ron: They are not doctors, for doctor is an inferior muggle concept that has no place here. The appropriate term is healer.

Harry: I’ll keep that in mind. [Continues looking around] Hey, it’s Dilys! She was in a portrait in Dumbledore’s office!

Ron: That must be how she knew Father was taken here.

[At the reception desk…]

Mrs. Weasley: We’re here to see Arthur Weasley.

Receptionist: Oh, yes—Arthur Weasley. He’s on the first floor, Creature-Induced Injuries.

[They go to see Arthur Weasley…]

Mr. Weasley: As you can see, I’m well enough to read now.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, thank goodness.

Mr. Weasley: Only trouble is, they can’t get the bleeding to stop, so I need to take a blood-replenishing potion. But they said it’s only a matter of time before they find an antidote.

Fred: Good, good.

Mr. Weasley: By the way, one of the other people in this ward was bitten by a werewolf. I’ve been trying to tell him he can lead an almost normal life, and the healers said the same thing, but he won’t listen to us.

Fred: Does the Daily Prophet know about this?

Mr. Weasley: No. They’re keeping it under wraps. By the way, Willy Widdershins has been arrested for bewitching toilets. He won’t face punishment, though. Remember this, it’s important.

George: So, just how did you happen to get attacked, anyway?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

Fred: Were you on official duty?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

George: Were you…guarding something?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

Mrs. Weasley: You heard your father—it’s classified. Now can we get back to talking about toilets?

Mr. Weasley: Willy Widdershins also apparently sells biting doorknobs to muggles. Some of his victims have even shown up here!

Fred: Harry, let’s get back to talking about that snake….

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, no you’re not! You will go outside, and wait there until Mad-Eye and Tonks can have a word with them.

[She shoos the children outside]

Fred and George: Aah, but little does she know, we have Extendable Ears! [Hands one to Harry]

Moody: You know, I’ll bet nobody will mind if we talk about this highly-secret affair in a public ward with the children right outside!

Mrs. Weasley: You are an auror and therefore trustworthy. I support this motion wholeheartedly.

Tonks: So, they never did manage to find the snake, did they?

Moody: Nope, not a single trace of one.

Mrs. Weasley: I think Dumbledore’s worried about Harry.

Moody: Maybe he’s actually being possessed by You-Know-Who?

Harry: W-what?! No way?! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?! WHY MEEEEEEE?!

Comments

[sunnyskywalker]

You know, there's something odd about Dumbledore asking his instrument about the divided essence of the "snake" at this point. Doesn't he say much later that he already had the Horcrux thing figured out? That he suspected multiple Horcruxes at least since Harry's 2nd year, when he realized the Diary might be a weaponized expendable Horcrux? And his statement in Harry's debriefing that year that Voldemort put a bit of himself into Harry suggests that he is pretty sure about the Harrycrux. So why is he talking the concept through with his doohickey now, like it's a new thought he's testing out?

Maybe it's a setup, and he is deliberately prepping Harry to be more receptive to the idea later? (Probably too subtle, Dumbles...) Or is there any way that all his previous hypotheses about the "bit" of Voldemort's powers in Harry and the Diary's nature and any of the Riddle Home Movies he had collected... were totally off base, and he is only just now realizing that maybe Horcruxes are involved? Could the altered Slughorn memory be something he tracks Horace down for during one of his mysterious absences from school? It seems hard to fathom, and so many of Dumbledore's actions make more sense if he was thinking Horcruxes all along, but now I'm wondering if there's an alternative.

Re: Arthur's bandages needing changing so often because of all the blood--didn't Swythyv hypothesize that everyone downplayed the danger to the kids and actually, those crude Muggle stitches saved Arthur's life? "He's totally fine except for the constant unstoppable gush of blood" does not sound like "just needs a few days under observation," after all. Hooray for Muggle medicine, slowing the blood loss until the Healers could figure out a cure!

[oryx_leucoryx]

Everything Dumbles tells Harry about his thinking process has to be viewed with the fact that he did not want Harry to find out about the Harrycrux too soon in mind. IOW everything he says about that is suspect.

Dumbledore knew about the Harrycrux since 1981. IMO he believed Tom intended to create some other Horcrux with James' death, messed up, and ended up making the Harrycrux accidentally, with either James' or Lily's death. In COS, the diary proved Tom already had a Horcrux before Godric's Hollow. So Tom could afford to risk the diary eventually once he made the second Horcrux in Godric's Hollow.

It was only after Harry reported Tom's graveyard speech that Albus realized there were more than 2. During OOTP Albus was finally going over his old memories again, looking at them for hints for Horcruxes rather than evidence about Tom's trophy-gathering in general and connections with Hallows.

Albus will leave school in spring, before Easter. And in July he will finally locate and destroy a Horcrux.

Agree with you and swythyv regarding the stitches.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Arthur was almost killed, and it is completely unnecessary.

Dumbledore is playing games and plotting again.

Why does Voldemort have to be stopped from getting the prophesy? Think about what the part Voldemort didn't hear says. He will mark as an equal - already happened. One must die at the hand of the other - Voldemort insists on confronting Harry anyway. Knowing the rest now won't help Voldemort. Voldemort's hearing the rest will not hurt his opposition. It doesn't matter.

Dumbledore is the only one who knows the full prophesy. He is using it as bait.

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

My own understanding was that the full prophecy might, just might, make Voldemort think "F*&k it, I'll let a servant kill Potter and see what happens", because that's the one thing that D doesn't want to see, seeing that it won't destroy the Harrycrux.

I agree with you on Arthur. Didn't Jo say she was supposed to kill him off, but got cold feet and ended up killing Tonks and Lupin instead? The sloppiness of the change shows, I guess.

[oryx_leucoryx]

Not sure that is true.

But in any case, since the graveyard Dumbles knows that as long as Tom lives in his current body Harry will come back to life. The only exception being if Harry's body is destroyed to the point it cannot contain his soul anymore.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

I'll let a servant kill Potter and see what happens"

I see two problems with that. One Voldemort is too arrogant to do that. Second that would mean he actually learned from his prior mistake, which unfortunately no one does in the Wizarding World.