Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 23

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

I was going to wait to post this until Christmas, but I don't know how reliable the internet will be then. And this way you guys get to read it over Christmas! Win-win!

[Back at Grimmauld Place…]

Harry: I just…feel so unclean now.

Phineas Nigellus: Well, you are being mind-raped by an evil snake fetishist.

Harry: Oh, I’m so soiled I can’t bear to be in the company of other wizards anymore! If Voldemort can possess me I’ll lead him right to my friends and the Order itself! I should just run away from here to protect those I love!

Phineas: You’ll do no such thing—Dumbledore wants you to stay where you are.

Harry: But why?

Phineas: That’s classified.

Harry: This is so unfair! Why do I have to be kept in the dark about everything?! Why won’t Dumbledore give me any more information anymore?! Does he think I’m just too stupid to possibly comprehend the gravity of the situation?! Does he honestly expect me to just stand by and let the grownups sort this mess out when they’re even more incompetent than my friends and I are?!

Phineas: You young people have absolutely no sense of respect for your elders.

Harry: But…but…all the elders in my life invite disrespect!

Phineas: And you think you know any better than they do? [Leaves]

Harry: Oh, well—nothing left to do but try to sleep, I guess. [He goes to sleep, and has a dream about the corridor again]

Ron: Harry! Dinner’s ready!

Harry: But…but…how can I face them at dinner when I’m this miserable and I’ve been defiled by a snake monster?

[Harry does not go to dinner.]

[Over the next few days, people decorate the house for Christmas]

Harry: And everyone else is out celebrating while I’m sitting here in my self-inflicted prison feeding my increasingly irrelevant Hippogriff friend from two books ago. But I dare not go out and partake in the festivities—I must always be a martyr above all else.

Hermione: Harry? Are you in there?

Harry: Hermione?! What the hell are you doing here?!

Hermione: I ditched my parents to come hang out with you instead. I figured you and Ron would need me to keep you on the straight and narrow.

Harry: Wow, you’re so good to me.

Hermione: Now let’s go meet up with Ron and Ginny.

[They go to Harry’s room, where Ron and Ginny are hanging out]

Hermione: So, Harry, Ron and Ginny say you’ve been hiding from them ever since you got back.

Harry: What?! How dare you talk about me behind my back!?

Ginny: Well, you do kind of invite people to talk about you behind your back—you’re not exactly good at acting normal, and you haven’t talked to any of us lately...

Harry: So what’s your point, then? Do you think I’m defiled forever?!

Ginny: No, I didn’t say that!

Harry: Then what?!

Ginny: Well…you’ll remember I actually was possessed by Voldemort. And I’m turning out okay.

Harry: Oh…okay then.

Ginny: And I remember that when I was possessed I had large gaps in my memory. Have you ever experienced anything like that?

Harry: Well no.

Ginny: I really don’t think you’re being possessed then.

Harry: But I was the snake that bit Mr. Weasley.

Ron: But you can’t have been—you were in bed the entire time.

Hermione: Besides, it’s impossible to transport someone into or out of Hogwarts by magic.

Harry: Oh…alright then. I feel better now.

Everyone else: Hooray!

[Christmas arrives]

Ron: Harry, Hermione’s given us both homework planners. Some fun she is.

Harry: Hagrid’s given me a wallet with fangs. I thought those sorts of things were more popular with women.

Fred: By the way, did you know Percy has become so much of a douchebag that he’s sent back Mother’s present without so much as a note?

George: And now Mother’s crying over it.

Fred: What’s this? [Picks up an awful present for Harry]

Harry: That’s…a present from Dobby the house elf.

George: What?

Harry: Don’t ask….

[They go downstairs to breakfast…]

Hermione: Ron, Ron, were you the one who sent me the perfume?

Ron: Oh, yeah.

Hermione: Why would you send me something like that?

Ron: Well, you are going to marry me, so I figured something like that would help you get more used to the idea.

Hermione: …Nevermind, I’m sorry I asked.

Ron: By the way, who’s that present for?

Hermione: It’s for Kreacher.

Ron: Why are you giving a present to Kreacher?

Hermione: Because he’s a contributing member of this household who’s entitled to partake of the holiday spirit just as much as we are.

Ron: That isn’t clothes, is it?

Hermione: No, just a new blanket.

[They go downstairs to give him his present, finding his hiding place under the boiler]

Harry: Oh, look—Kreacher keeps a picture of Bellatrix Lestrange with him. He seems to be fond of it too.

Hermione: I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything. I’ll just, ah, leave this present here for him to find.

Sirius: By the way, I have no idea where Kreacher has gotten to. He’s disappeared.

Harry: Maybe he left?

Sirius: He can’t leave a house without my freeing him.

Harry: Yes he can—Dobby managed it when he still lived with the Malfoys.

Sirius: Oh…. Well…I’ll look for him later. No use depressing myself on Christmas.

[After lunch, they meet up with some Order members to go to St. Mungo’s again]

Mrs. Weasley: You’re doing well, correct?

Mr. Weasley: Well, I’m doing just fine, except that one healer tried to give me stitches which failed miserably.

Mrs. Weasley: Stitches? You mean, like, sewing the wound together?

Harry: Eh…let’s get out of here before Mrs. Weasley blows up in all our faces.

[The kids leave….]

Ginny: Really, though, who’d have any use for stitches?

Hermione: They work well enough on non-magical wounds, you know.

[They head toward the tearoom on the fifth floor, but end up on the fourth floor instead]

Lockhart: Hi!

Hermione: It’s you again?! But…I thought you’d gone out of focus after the second book!

Lockhart: I only wish. Apparently the writer decided to bring me back just so you can see that I’ve got absolutely no chance of ever recovering from my memory loss, which has given me brain damage now. Would you like an autograph?

Healer: Oh, there you are! Come back to your own ward where you won’t scare the visitors.

Lockhart: Will you at least let me give them some autographs first? I can’t remember why I’d want to give them autographs, but still, I really really want to give them autographs.

Healer: Well…I suppose we can spare a few autographs for them. Come, let’s go back to your room.

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow Lockhart and the healer back to his room]

Healer: I have things to do—he’s your problem for the time being. [Leaves]

Lockhart: So, anyway, I’m not sure why people keep asking me for autographs, but feel free to have as many as you like. Also…don’t tell anyone this, but I think I’ve appeared in a muggle movie. Several muggle movies, in fact.

Harry: But…why would they even want you to have your personality back? You were so loathsome before, why won’t they just let you start anew?

Lockhart: Beats me. But…I like giving out these autographs.

Healer: [to another patient] For Christmas you get a suspicious-looking plant! Enjoy it! Try not to let it kill you!

Ron: Hey look! It’s Navel!

[Sure enough, Neville and his grandmother can be seen in a room toward the back, and they go over to him]

Neville’s grandmother: Are these people friends of yours?

Neville: Sort of. Except that they can never remember my name!

Neville’s grandmother: Oh, stop complaining. [to Harry and co.] Pleased to meet you. I’m Neville’s grandmother. Thanks for keeping my grandson out of trouble, since goodness knows he can’t stay out of it himself.

Neville: Actually, Grandmother, they’ve gotten me into as many problems as they’ve gotten me out of.

Neville’s grandmother: If only my Neville were more talented—like his father.

Neville: Grandmother, my father was tortured into insanity.

Neville’s grandmother: But at least he made a name for himself beforehand! As did your mother!

Neville: What did my mother ever do?

Neville’s grandmother: She did…ah…valuable stuff and…ah…made contributions to her cause….

Neville: You see what I have to put up with?! [Cries]

Harry: Wow, Navel. Your life sucks!

Neville: I noticed. And my name isn’t Navel.

Harry: I’m actually really glad I’m not you!

Neville: Is this your idea of how to make me feel better?!

Harry: What, you don’t like it?

Neville: No! [Cries]

Neville’s mother: Navel! Be a dear and pay attention to me!

Neville: But Mother, my friends are here. And you’re insane. So insane that even you don’t remember my name!

Neville’s mother: But I’m still your mother and I love you. Here, I’ll show my love by giving you a folded chewing-gum wrapper! [Hands him wrapper]

Neville: …Thank you…. [Pockets wrapper]

Neville’s grandmother: [to Harry and co.] Yes…well…it was nice to meet you. [to Neville] Neville, what are you going to do about all those wrappers?

Neville: They’re proof that my mother still loves me. I can’t just get rid of them.

Neville’s grandmother: Honestly, you are quite hopeless.

Neville: It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault I’m being overshadowed by those insensitive jerks! I’ll make a name for myself someday, just you wait and see!

Neville’s grandmother: Alright, already! Just…show me what you’re made of by the time the last book is over, alright?

[Meanwhile, Harry and co. depart]

Ron: So…ah…what exactly did happen to Navel’s parents, anyway?

Harry: They were tortured into insanity by none other than Bellatrix Lestrange. So said Dumbledore.

Hermione: Bellatrix Lestrange? That’s that woman Kreacher has a picture of!

Ron: So you still think Kreacher is good at heart?

Hermione: As a matter of fact…. Look, you say this now, but I know I’ll be validated in the end.

Ron: Don’t remind me.