Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 24
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deathtocapslockI thought I'd post one more of these before I departed from the lovely land of Harry Potter and Iron Maiden and returned to my boring old American hometown.
[Kreacher resurfaces in the attic awhile later]
Harry: He seems happier now than before. Too happy. This is bad, I just know it.
[The holidays are over, and the time to return to Hogwarts draws near]
Harry: And Sirius seems so sad. It sure is a shame I have to leave him here with Kreacher, even to go back to Hogwarts.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, Harry! Snape is here and he wants to see you!
Harry: Just when I think my life can’t get any worse….
[He goes downstairs to meet Snape, to find him and Sirius sitting at a table glowering at each other]
Snape: Oh, it’s you. Have a seat—don’t mind us. We’re just giving each other the silent treatment.
Harry: Snape is here AND he’s being an immature jerk! I fail to see how this could possibly get more painful!
Snape: By the way, your idiot godfather just won’t leave us alone together!
Sirius: I’m right here!
Harry: And now he’s quarreling with poor Sirius right in front of me. God, AK me! Just AK me right now!
Snape: It’s like this: Dumbledore has given me express orders that I am to teach you Occlumency for the foreseeable future!
Harry: I have to spend even MORE time with Snape?! AAAAAAGH CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?!
Snape: Believe me, I don’t want this any more than you do, but the order came from Dumbledore himself. I am to give you super-secret Occlumency lessons once a week from now on.
Sirius: Well…why the hell does Dumbledore want you of all people to be Harry’s instructor? Why can’t he do it himself?
Snape: Because he’s a fucking troll, that’s why! Now, Harry, if anyone asks you why you need to see me, you are to tell them you’re taking remedial Potions.
Harry: What?! Now you’re trying to humiliate me by implying I’m not good enough as is?!
Snape: Well, frankly, you’re not good to begin with.
Harry: I am so good! I’m just bad because you suck as a teacher!
Snape: You couldn’t even tell me the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane!
Harry: That was four years ago!
Snape: My point still stands! You suck at potions so anyone will believe that as a credible story!
Harry: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Sirius: Snape, I’m warning you—if you abuse your lessons to hurt Harry in any way I’ll have your head.
Snape: I do not fear you, for you are stuck in this run-down old house that you hate—all on Dumbledore’s orders, of course.
Sirius: Fuck you—Snivellus!!
Snape: Just for that, I’ll tell you now that I’ll bet you deliberately allowed Lucius to recognize you in your dog form, just so you’d have an excuse to be stuck here and hide away from trouble!
Sirius: That’s not true! The last thing I want is to be stuck here!
Snape: In brief, you’re a coward!
Sirius: [Grabs wand] I am not a coward, you piece of shit! My wand is ten times bigger than yours!
Harry: Sirius, no! If you kill him now, you’ll get in trouble and I can’t find a target for my rage every time I don’t get my way!
Snape: Like, how thoughtful of you.
[But just then, the Weasleys all come in]
Mr. Weasley: Hi, uh, yeah, I’m just dropping in to tell you that I’m cured, and will likely never have to face danger in this series again.
Everyone else: Hooray!
Mr. Weasley: So, let’s get down to business. What the hell are you three doing?!
Harry: I think Sirius and Snape are about to kill each other, Mr. Weasley!
Snape: No! No we weren’t! I…ah…fuck this is annoying. I’m out of here! [Walks to the door] I’ll see you when you return to school, Harry! Do not be laaaaaate!
Mr. Weasley: So…Sirius, what was that all about?
Sirius: Ah…nothing. I just…ah…was about to engage in some bromantic love with Snape.
Mr. Weasley: Well…I just want to say that if that’s really what you want, I support you. We are an open-minded, inclusive family, who do not discriminate—
Other family members: [Burst out laughing]
[After dinner, Harry explains the situation to Ron and Hermione]
Ron: Wow, you have extra lessons with Snape? That’s awful! Maybe you should just let Voldemort probe your mind some more instead.
Hermione: Oh, you say that but you don’t mean it.
[They leave for Hogwarts not long after…]
Harry: I don’t want to leave Sirius. I have this awful sense of foreboding that something terrible will happen to him.
Sirius: By the way, Harry, I have something Very Important to give you. If you ever need to contact me, use this. [Hands Harry a bundle]
Harry: Thanks, man. I will.
[They take the Knight Bus to Hogwarts]
Stan Shunpike: Hey Harry, you remember me from two books ago?
Harry: Why should I remember you? You’re a nobody!
Stan Shunpike: Damn you! I’ll have my revenge on you one day, I just know it!
Harry: Oooh, I’m soooo scared. What’re you gonna do, strike me with your bus?
[The next day…]
Zacharias Smith: Harry, Harry—are we going to have another lesson tonight?
Harry: Sorry, I have to take remedial Potions with Snape.
Zacharias Smith: What? But he doesn’t give extra lessons. You must be terrible!
Harry: It’s not my fault, okay? He’s doing it to torture me because he hates me! [Cries]
Zacharias Smith: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Cho: Hello, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello my love!
Cho: So…anyway, there’s a Hogsmeade trip on Valentine’s Day.
Harry: Oh, really? Do you…ah…want to hang out with me there, then?
Cho: Sure, alright. I’ve got nothing better to do and I want more screen time.
Harry: Done!
Cho: Sounds good!
[That night, Harry goes to the dungeon for lessons…]
Snape: Welcome to hell. So, shall we begin?
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Anything you say, Mr. Evil.
Snape: You will address me as Professor or Sir, thank you very much.
Harry: Alright, Sir. I’ll do anything you say but I still hate you.
Snape: So, anyway, if the stars align and you succeed in mastering Occlumency you will be able to conceal your thoughts from the Dark Lord….
Harry: Aha! The Dark Lord is what the Death Eaters call Voldemort! Therefore you must still be a Death Eater at heart!
Snape: Now you’re just jumping to conclusions!
Harry: Hey, I’ve come this far in life jumping to conclusions, so why stop now?!
Snape: This is going to be painful…. So, anyway, as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, the Dark Lord can use Legilimency!
Harry: Oh, so he can read minds?
Snape: Well, if you want to call it by the inferior muggle term you could call it mind-reading. But, my point is, Legilimency can be tricked or countered, if you know Occlumency.
Harry: But…does this mean Voldemort could just read our minds at any time?
Snape: No. You can’t just do Legilimency from anywhere; you have to look directly at someone.
Harry: Then why in the hell do I have to learn Occlumency?!
Snape: Because there’s a mind link between you and the Dark Lord, okay?! I don’t know what it is or how it operates but you have it and it’s dangerous! If you value your life and those of your friends and family you’ll put everything you have into learning this extremely important skill!
Harry: But…but that sounds hard!
Snape: You expect everything in life to come to you easily?!
Harry: Well, quite frankly, yes. I’m the main character, after all.
Snape: Lots of main characters don’t just have everything handed to them on a silver platter! Have you ever heard of Harry Dresden?!
Harry: What, you mean that other wizard named Harry who’s completely inferior to myself?
Snape: …Wow…you actually do know about him…! But…that’s not the point! The point is, you must learn Occlumency, for your good as well as everyone else’s!
Harry: But seriously, aren’t my powers helpful? I mean, I was able to alert people to Mr. Weasley’s attack ahead of schedule.
Snape: The trouble is, if the Dark Lord ever becomes aware of your mind link he could feed you falsehoods or use it against you.
Harry: But how does all this explain how I was able to see inside the snake’s head?
Snape: Most likely the Dark Lord was possessing the snake.
Harry: Oh. It’s all coming together. And with less fighting than we usually go through.
Snape: True, true. Why do I get the feeling this won’t last?
Harry: You and me both.
Snape: Now sit quietly like a good boy while I do a trick.
[Snape pulls out a wand and drops some thoughts into a nearby Pensieve]
Harry: Ooh! Can I look inside?!
Snape: No. It’s private.
Harry: [Snickers]
Snape: What’s so funny?
Harry: You…you say that like it’s going to stop me.
Snape: I can try.
Harry: You can try all you want, but failure is the only option.
Snape: Whatever. Just get out your wand.
Harry: Eew! You sick man!
Snape: You know what I mean!
Harry: Alright, alright. [Pulls out wand]
Snape: So, I am going to cast a spell on you, and you must resist it. Since you can resist the Imperius Curse, for no readily-discernible reason, I trust you will have similar luck with this one. Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY ARE YOU VIOLATING MY MIND SO?! [Faints]
Snape: Oh, come on, were you even trying?
Harry: How dare you defile my mind?! This is the second time this book it’s happened!
Snape: If this author can make horrible depression metaphors she can make horrible rape metaphors. Deal with it.
Harry: Is this my future? Being threatened by symbolic depression and rape everywhere I go?
Snape: Well, the good news is, you showed some resistance to my spell. [Shows burn mark on hand] You managed to burn me with your wand. But in future you’ll need to rely entirely on your mind.
Harry: But I have no mind to resist with!
Snape: So that’s how you’ve managed to resist the Imperius so well? It’s your natural state?
Harry: Pretty much.
Snape: Argh, this is so frustrating!
Harry: It isn’t any easier for me than it is for you.
Snape: Just don’t think. Clear your mind.
Harry: I already don’t think half the time.
Snape: Don’t feel either.
Harry: But that’s haaaaard.
Snape: Good. You get your first taste of having to do what’s right instead of what’s easy. Isn’t that the choice you have to make in this series?
Harry: But…that’s just something they say to attract people to read my books and watch my movies!
Snape: Right. So if you don’t live up to it you’ll be false advertising! That’s a crime!
Harry: It’s a crime?
Snape: Damn right it’s a crime! Now let’s get back to the lesson! Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! I SEE DEAD CEDRIC! HE’S SPARKLIIIIING!
Snape: Again, you’re not trying!
Harry: Yes I am!
Snape: No! You have no handle on your emotions!
Harry: That’s never been a problem for me before!
Snape: Well now it is, so fix it!
Harry: I don’t wanna!
Snape: That’s what weaklings say!
Harry: I’m not a weakling!
Snape: Yes you are!
Harry: No I’m not!
Snape: Are too!
Harry: Am not!
Snape: Then prove it! Legilimens!
Harry: I see…a mysterious door!
Snape: No, dammit! You’re not supposed to see anything at all!
Harry: But I do! It’s the same mysterious door I’ve been having dreams about! I think it’s in the…Department of Mysteries?
Snape: What’s that got to do with anything?!
Harry: Well…just what is in the Department of Mysteries, anyway?
Snape: Nothing that concerns you. Can we just get back to the lesson?
Harry: No, dammit! I’m the main character! If I see the phrase “Department of Mysteries” it’s only because I’m destined to find out what those mysteries are!
Snape: It’s a lie! Your mind’s playing tricks on you! This is a perfect case study in why you must learn Occlumency right now!
Harry: But…!
Snape: No buts! Now you will return to me every Wednesday to continue our lesson. In the meantime, I want you to practice clearing your mind of emotions before you sleep—a very useful skill.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. [Leaves]
Snape: He’s doomed…. [Goes to Pensieve and returns some memories to his head]
[Harry meets up with Ron and Hermione in the library]
Harry: Ron! Hermione! I know about the Department of Mysteries!
Ron: You mean…in the Ministry of Magic? You think Voldemort wants something from there?
Hermione: Oh, is this the same door Sturgis Podmore tried to get into?
Ron: Wait—why would someone on our side be trying to get in there?
Hermione: I don’t know—it’s suspicious.
Ron: Suspicious enough to be important, you think?
Hermione: Most likely not. [to Harry] Wow, you look terrible!
Harry: Of course I do! Occlumency is horrible—I’m subject to constant psychic assaults from Snape!*
Hermione: Wow, that does sound horrible. Oh, well—nothing to be done about it. Let’s just go back to our room.
[In the Common Room…]
Fred: So, yeah, my brother and I invented Headless Hats. You try one on, both head and hat will become invisible!
Harry: I…I don’t feel so good. I think I’ll just go to bed early and wallow in how defiled I am.
[He goes to his room, when suddenly…]
Harry: AAAAAH! IT’S VOLDEMORT! HE’S…he’s happy. What the fuck?
Ron: Harry, are you alright?
Harry: Voldemort’s happy! How in the hell is he happy?! Is he laughing at my torment from afar?!
Ron: I’m sure you’re just tired after your Occlumency lesson. Get some sleep.
Harry: H-how in the hell am I supposed to sleep at a time like this?!
[Meanwhile, in the dungeons…]
Snape: Harry shall never see inside my Pensieve! He will never witness the horrors it contains! Never! Bwahahahahaha!
*AN: As I think of it, how creepy is it that there’s no way to defend yourself from what amounts to symbolic rape other than to experience it? And why the hell do “good guys” use a power like that?!
[Kreacher resurfaces in the attic awhile later]
Harry: He seems happier now than before. Too happy. This is bad, I just know it.
[The holidays are over, and the time to return to Hogwarts draws near]
Harry: And Sirius seems so sad. It sure is a shame I have to leave him here with Kreacher, even to go back to Hogwarts.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, Harry! Snape is here and he wants to see you!
Harry: Just when I think my life can’t get any worse….
[He goes downstairs to meet Snape, to find him and Sirius sitting at a table glowering at each other]
Snape: Oh, it’s you. Have a seat—don’t mind us. We’re just giving each other the silent treatment.
Harry: Snape is here AND he’s being an immature jerk! I fail to see how this could possibly get more painful!
Snape: By the way, your idiot godfather just won’t leave us alone together!
Sirius: I’m right here!
Harry: And now he’s quarreling with poor Sirius right in front of me. God, AK me! Just AK me right now!
Snape: It’s like this: Dumbledore has given me express orders that I am to teach you Occlumency for the foreseeable future!
Harry: I have to spend even MORE time with Snape?! AAAAAAGH CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?!
Snape: Believe me, I don’t want this any more than you do, but the order came from Dumbledore himself. I am to give you super-secret Occlumency lessons once a week from now on.
Sirius: Well…why the hell does Dumbledore want you of all people to be Harry’s instructor? Why can’t he do it himself?
Snape: Because he’s a fucking troll, that’s why! Now, Harry, if anyone asks you why you need to see me, you are to tell them you’re taking remedial Potions.
Harry: What?! Now you’re trying to humiliate me by implying I’m not good enough as is?!
Snape: Well, frankly, you’re not good to begin with.
Harry: I am so good! I’m just bad because you suck as a teacher!
Snape: You couldn’t even tell me the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane!
Harry: That was four years ago!
Snape: My point still stands! You suck at potions so anyone will believe that as a credible story!
Harry: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Sirius: Snape, I’m warning you—if you abuse your lessons to hurt Harry in any way I’ll have your head.
Snape: I do not fear you, for you are stuck in this run-down old house that you hate—all on Dumbledore’s orders, of course.
Sirius: Fuck you—Snivellus!!
Snape: Just for that, I’ll tell you now that I’ll bet you deliberately allowed Lucius to recognize you in your dog form, just so you’d have an excuse to be stuck here and hide away from trouble!
Sirius: That’s not true! The last thing I want is to be stuck here!
Snape: In brief, you’re a coward!
Sirius: [Grabs wand] I am not a coward, you piece of shit! My wand is ten times bigger than yours!
Harry: Sirius, no! If you kill him now, you’ll get in trouble and I can’t find a target for my rage every time I don’t get my way!
Snape: Like, how thoughtful of you.
[But just then, the Weasleys all come in]
Mr. Weasley: Hi, uh, yeah, I’m just dropping in to tell you that I’m cured, and will likely never have to face danger in this series again.
Everyone else: Hooray!
Mr. Weasley: So, let’s get down to business. What the hell are you three doing?!
Harry: I think Sirius and Snape are about to kill each other, Mr. Weasley!
Snape: No! No we weren’t! I…ah…fuck this is annoying. I’m out of here! [Walks to the door] I’ll see you when you return to school, Harry! Do not be laaaaaate!
Mr. Weasley: So…Sirius, what was that all about?
Sirius: Ah…nothing. I just…ah…was about to engage in some bromantic love with Snape.
Mr. Weasley: Well…I just want to say that if that’s really what you want, I support you. We are an open-minded, inclusive family, who do not discriminate—
Other family members: [Burst out laughing]
[After dinner, Harry explains the situation to Ron and Hermione]
Ron: Wow, you have extra lessons with Snape? That’s awful! Maybe you should just let Voldemort probe your mind some more instead.
Hermione: Oh, you say that but you don’t mean it.
[They leave for Hogwarts not long after…]
Harry: I don’t want to leave Sirius. I have this awful sense of foreboding that something terrible will happen to him.
Sirius: By the way, Harry, I have something Very Important to give you. If you ever need to contact me, use this. [Hands Harry a bundle]
Harry: Thanks, man. I will.
[They take the Knight Bus to Hogwarts]
Stan Shunpike: Hey Harry, you remember me from two books ago?
Harry: Why should I remember you? You’re a nobody!
Stan Shunpike: Damn you! I’ll have my revenge on you one day, I just know it!
Harry: Oooh, I’m soooo scared. What’re you gonna do, strike me with your bus?
[The next day…]
Zacharias Smith: Harry, Harry—are we going to have another lesson tonight?
Harry: Sorry, I have to take remedial Potions with Snape.
Zacharias Smith: What? But he doesn’t give extra lessons. You must be terrible!
Harry: It’s not my fault, okay? He’s doing it to torture me because he hates me! [Cries]
Zacharias Smith: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Cho: Hello, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello my love!
Cho: So…anyway, there’s a Hogsmeade trip on Valentine’s Day.
Harry: Oh, really? Do you…ah…want to hang out with me there, then?
Cho: Sure, alright. I’ve got nothing better to do and I want more screen time.
Harry: Done!
Cho: Sounds good!
[That night, Harry goes to the dungeon for lessons…]
Snape: Welcome to hell. So, shall we begin?
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Anything you say, Mr. Evil.
Snape: You will address me as Professor or Sir, thank you very much.
Harry: Alright, Sir. I’ll do anything you say but I still hate you.
Snape: So, anyway, if the stars align and you succeed in mastering Occlumency you will be able to conceal your thoughts from the Dark Lord….
Harry: Aha! The Dark Lord is what the Death Eaters call Voldemort! Therefore you must still be a Death Eater at heart!
Snape: Now you’re just jumping to conclusions!
Harry: Hey, I’ve come this far in life jumping to conclusions, so why stop now?!
Snape: This is going to be painful…. So, anyway, as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, the Dark Lord can use Legilimency!
Harry: Oh, so he can read minds?
Snape: Well, if you want to call it by the inferior muggle term you could call it mind-reading. But, my point is, Legilimency can be tricked or countered, if you know Occlumency.
Harry: But…does this mean Voldemort could just read our minds at any time?
Snape: No. You can’t just do Legilimency from anywhere; you have to look directly at someone.
Harry: Then why in the hell do I have to learn Occlumency?!
Snape: Because there’s a mind link between you and the Dark Lord, okay?! I don’t know what it is or how it operates but you have it and it’s dangerous! If you value your life and those of your friends and family you’ll put everything you have into learning this extremely important skill!
Harry: But…but that sounds hard!
Snape: You expect everything in life to come to you easily?!
Harry: Well, quite frankly, yes. I’m the main character, after all.
Snape: Lots of main characters don’t just have everything handed to them on a silver platter! Have you ever heard of Harry Dresden?!
Harry: What, you mean that other wizard named Harry who’s completely inferior to myself?
Snape: …Wow…you actually do know about him…! But…that’s not the point! The point is, you must learn Occlumency, for your good as well as everyone else’s!
Harry: But seriously, aren’t my powers helpful? I mean, I was able to alert people to Mr. Weasley’s attack ahead of schedule.
Snape: The trouble is, if the Dark Lord ever becomes aware of your mind link he could feed you falsehoods or use it against you.
Harry: But how does all this explain how I was able to see inside the snake’s head?
Snape: Most likely the Dark Lord was possessing the snake.
Harry: Oh. It’s all coming together. And with less fighting than we usually go through.
Snape: True, true. Why do I get the feeling this won’t last?
Harry: You and me both.
Snape: Now sit quietly like a good boy while I do a trick.
[Snape pulls out a wand and drops some thoughts into a nearby Pensieve]
Harry: Ooh! Can I look inside?!
Snape: No. It’s private.
Harry: [Snickers]
Snape: What’s so funny?
Harry: You…you say that like it’s going to stop me.
Snape: I can try.
Harry: You can try all you want, but failure is the only option.
Snape: Whatever. Just get out your wand.
Harry: Eew! You sick man!
Snape: You know what I mean!
Harry: Alright, alright. [Pulls out wand]
Snape: So, I am going to cast a spell on you, and you must resist it. Since you can resist the Imperius Curse, for no readily-discernible reason, I trust you will have similar luck with this one. Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY ARE YOU VIOLATING MY MIND SO?! [Faints]
Snape: Oh, come on, were you even trying?
Harry: How dare you defile my mind?! This is the second time this book it’s happened!
Snape: If this author can make horrible depression metaphors she can make horrible rape metaphors. Deal with it.
Harry: Is this my future? Being threatened by symbolic depression and rape everywhere I go?
Snape: Well, the good news is, you showed some resistance to my spell. [Shows burn mark on hand] You managed to burn me with your wand. But in future you’ll need to rely entirely on your mind.
Harry: But I have no mind to resist with!
Snape: So that’s how you’ve managed to resist the Imperius so well? It’s your natural state?
Harry: Pretty much.
Snape: Argh, this is so frustrating!
Harry: It isn’t any easier for me than it is for you.
Snape: Just don’t think. Clear your mind.
Harry: I already don’t think half the time.
Snape: Don’t feel either.
Harry: But that’s haaaaard.
Snape: Good. You get your first taste of having to do what’s right instead of what’s easy. Isn’t that the choice you have to make in this series?
Harry: But…that’s just something they say to attract people to read my books and watch my movies!
Snape: Right. So if you don’t live up to it you’ll be false advertising! That’s a crime!
Harry: It’s a crime?
Snape: Damn right it’s a crime! Now let’s get back to the lesson! Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! I SEE DEAD CEDRIC! HE’S SPARKLIIIIING!
Snape: Again, you’re not trying!
Harry: Yes I am!
Snape: No! You have no handle on your emotions!
Harry: That’s never been a problem for me before!
Snape: Well now it is, so fix it!
Harry: I don’t wanna!
Snape: That’s what weaklings say!
Harry: I’m not a weakling!
Snape: Yes you are!
Harry: No I’m not!
Snape: Are too!
Harry: Am not!
Snape: Then prove it! Legilimens!
Harry: I see…a mysterious door!
Snape: No, dammit! You’re not supposed to see anything at all!
Harry: But I do! It’s the same mysterious door I’ve been having dreams about! I think it’s in the…Department of Mysteries?
Snape: What’s that got to do with anything?!
Harry: Well…just what is in the Department of Mysteries, anyway?
Snape: Nothing that concerns you. Can we just get back to the lesson?
Harry: No, dammit! I’m the main character! If I see the phrase “Department of Mysteries” it’s only because I’m destined to find out what those mysteries are!
Snape: It’s a lie! Your mind’s playing tricks on you! This is a perfect case study in why you must learn Occlumency right now!
Harry: But…!
Snape: No buts! Now you will return to me every Wednesday to continue our lesson. In the meantime, I want you to practice clearing your mind of emotions before you sleep—a very useful skill.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. [Leaves]
Snape: He’s doomed…. [Goes to Pensieve and returns some memories to his head]
[Harry meets up with Ron and Hermione in the library]
Harry: Ron! Hermione! I know about the Department of Mysteries!
Ron: You mean…in the Ministry of Magic? You think Voldemort wants something from there?
Hermione: Oh, is this the same door Sturgis Podmore tried to get into?
Ron: Wait—why would someone on our side be trying to get in there?
Hermione: I don’t know—it’s suspicious.
Ron: Suspicious enough to be important, you think?
Hermione: Most likely not. [to Harry] Wow, you look terrible!
Harry: Of course I do! Occlumency is horrible—I’m subject to constant psychic assaults from Snape!*
Hermione: Wow, that does sound horrible. Oh, well—nothing to be done about it. Let’s just go back to our room.
[In the Common Room…]
Fred: So, yeah, my brother and I invented Headless Hats. You try one on, both head and hat will become invisible!
Harry: I…I don’t feel so good. I think I’ll just go to bed early and wallow in how defiled I am.
[He goes to his room, when suddenly…]
Harry: AAAAAH! IT’S VOLDEMORT! HE’S…he’s happy. What the fuck?
Ron: Harry, are you alright?
Harry: Voldemort’s happy! How in the hell is he happy?! Is he laughing at my torment from afar?!
Ron: I’m sure you’re just tired after your Occlumency lesson. Get some sleep.
Harry: H-how in the hell am I supposed to sleep at a time like this?!
[Meanwhile, in the dungeons…]
Snape: Harry shall never see inside my Pensieve! He will never witness the horrors it contains! Never! Bwahahahahaha!
*AN: As I think of it, how creepy is it that there’s no way to defend yourself from what amounts to symbolic rape other than to experience it? And why the hell do “good guys” use a power like that?!
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Snape's Teaching Method
Date: 2014-12-30 04:24 am (UTC)One might say there’s no way to learn self-defense other than by defending oneself against attack.
The thing that seems ‘off’ about Snape’s Occlumency lessons that there’s little actual teaching: no theory, almost no explanation of techniques, no practicing the method at low power and building up as Harry improves. Snape may not be using his full power, and he does give Harry warning so he has time to prepare (which Voldemort isn’t going to be doing), but it is a brutal method of teaching. It’s rather like teaching swimming by saying, “Now, wave your arms and legs,” and tossing the student in the pool.
You can say, ‘well, Snape’s just a bad teacher,’ but I think Snape was teaching Harry the way Snape was taught himself. The question is: was it Voldemort or Dumbledore—or both of them—who taught young Severus Occlumency by raping his mind until he worked out how to stop it?
Re: Snape's Teaching Method
Date: 2014-12-30 04:31 am (UTC)Re: Snape's Teaching Method
Date: 2014-12-30 04:50 am (UTC)Re: Snape's Teaching Method
Date: 2014-12-30 05:44 pm (UTC)Since Albus tells Harry later that he knew the teaching of occlumency WOULD actually open Harry's mind more to Voldy (at least at the start), I think this is also exactly how Albus would have taught it as well. So, quite possibly it was Albus who taught Sev. We just don't know enough from canon to determine for sure.
One also must take into account that Voldy could literally be watching Snape teach this through Harry's eyes. That is the very reason Albus won't teach Harry. So Sev must walk a rather thin line (razor edge) and attempt to teach while still being able to explain to Voldy that he was trying to 'not teach'.
Re: Snape's Teaching Method:/ Canon that it's THE Teaching Method
Date: 2015-01-04 05:11 am (UTC)First is Barty Jr: 16 months back, masquerading as Mad-Eye, he put the Imperius Curse on a whole class full of 14-year-olds "to teach them to resist it." He gave NO explanation of how they were supposed to do so (as opposed to Sev's slight indications to Harry); at most, he told them (possibly inaccurately) how to tell that Harry was partially successful. Rather, Barty spent the whole class making teens do embarrassing things in front of their peers, and making both Harry and Neville do things that were potentially dangerous if they managed to resist while in motion. And he forced Harry to continue after Harry was physically injured.
And everyone who heard about this public exercise in pain and humiliation, from DD & Minerva & Severus to Augusta Longbottom to Lucius to Madam Edgecombe, went, "Yep, that's exactly how DD's pet retired Auror, recipient of our world's most rigorous training in defense against the Dark Arts, would teach schoolkids to resist the Imperius."
The second thing in canon that reinforces the view that this is how practitioners of the obscure art expect to be taught is Sirius.
He knew that Harry would be studying Occlumency; he knew that Snape would be Harry's teacher. BEFORE Harry had left 12 Grimmauld Place. His Christmas present to Harry had been a set of books on magical defense. If there were any books in the Black library, or any books available at Flourish & Blotts, that Sirius knew of that would help, he'd have gotten them for Harry. For that matter, Sirius was an experienced and adept Occlumens himself--if he had any TIPS to give Harry to speed his learning to close his mind against Snape's intrusions, he would have given them. Instead, all he did was order Severus not to abuse his position teaching Harry, and give Harry a mirror to allow him to stay in contact. No books, no tips, even though he was obviously upset that Snape was to be Harry's teacher.
Also no quick first lesson from himself, which of course makes sense if the only way SIRIUS knew to teach was to break into Harry's mind--why would he want to attract Harry's resentment onto himself by doing so? Of course he'd rather DD do so, and failing that, leave it to Snape, even if he was worried that Snape might abuse the personal information he'd thereby gain access to.
(Indeed, we can probably infer that Sirius's insults to Sev--you haven't really reformed!--were as, shall we say, founded in his considered judgment as Sev's "Coward" in return. Aimed--accurately--to hurt, rather than reflecting perceived truth. If Sirius truly believed Sniv loyal to Voldie, giving Snape unlimited access to Harry's mind would be an insane risk which Sirius should do almost anything to stop. Not imply Sev might misuse it to give Harry a hard time, and later order Harry to demand more lessons when Snape stopped them after the Pensieve Incursion! Nah, Sirius may not have trusted Sev to treat Harry "nicely," but he really had no doubts about Sev's ultimate loyalties. Which raises the question: why not? I mean, Sirius made it plain he WASN'T Dumble's lapdog where Harry was concerned--if he were, he'd have stayed out of England. So he didn't just accept DD's word, he believed in Snape for reasons of his own....)
A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: The TIming of the Announcement of Occlumency Lessons
Date: 2015-01-04 06:40 am (UTC)Why?
Did it really take Twinkles OVER THREE WEEKS to work out that Occlumency lessons might be a Good Thing for Harry? (Okay, he is the Dumb One, but still...)
And if it DID take that long, why not wait one day more and give Harry a note on his return to Hogwarts ordering him to report to Professor Snape the following evening and say it was for "Remedial Potions"? Or just instruct Severus to pick a fight with Harry in Monday potions and give him a "detention" and explain to him then?
Or, why not send a sealed headmaster-note to Harry at 12 Grimmauld, if for some reason Harry needed the extra day's notice? Why make Severus the heavy (well, okay, Twinkles always does that), and why send Severus to Grimmauld Place to do so?
What was accomplished by sending Snape to 12 Grimmauld with the announcement of Harry's impending Occlumency lessons the afternoon of Harry's last day of vacation that would not have been accomplished by any other method/time of notification?
Well, Sirius found out about them. And Sirius found out about them at the last minute.
Sirius probably would have respected a sealed note to Harry from Albus, and Harry probably would have obeyed direct instructions from the headmaster not to tell ANTONE about the impending lessons.
But send Snape in, with Dumbledore's instructions to speak to Harry in private? Pretty much a guarantee that Sirius--Snape's enemy, master of the house, and Harry's godfather--would insist on sitting in.
And thereby demonstrate to Harry that Sirius ignored Dumbledore's orders at will (or when Harry was concerned). On the one hand, giving Harry the warm glow of feeling that he was important to Sirius. On the other hand, rubbing in the fact that Sirius lacked discipline. He wouldn't obey Dumbledore, even in the simplest matters. So when Sirius ends up getting killed disobeying Dumbledore's orders, it clearly will be his own fault, not Albus's ....
However, in the unlikely event that Sirius DID let Snape have a private conference with Harry (and didn't listen in), Harry was NOT under orders to keep his lessons secret from the Order--just at school, and from Umbridge. So he would almost certainly have told Sirius about the dreaded lessons as soon as Snape left....
So. Sirius learns that Harry is to learn Occlumency, and to be taught it by a teacher Harry and Sirius strongly dislike. And Sirius learns this the afternoon before Harry is to leave him.
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-04 06:40 am (UTC)If this announcement had been made, say, on December 19th, Sirius would have had over three weeks to,if he chose, try to teach Harry HIMSELF how to close his mind effectively. As it is, Sirius has a few hours.
Bear in mind that Sirius and all the Marauders were Occlumens adept enough to have lied to the headmaster when he was investigating them for wrongdoing. They were self-taught adepts who lied successfully to Albus in their fifth year. His interrogation into that little prank involving sending a fellow student to the Shrieking Shack to be werewolf-bit did NOT turn up the least hint that the Marauders were Animagi who were repeatedly loosing the werewolf for their own entertainment.
And the two surviving Marauder members of the Order have shown unmistakably that they both(still and always) put pack loyalty ahead of loyalty to Albus and the Order. Remus hid information from Albus throughout his year on staff; Sirius returned to Britain to be near Harry against Albus's direct orders.
Loose cannons, both of them. Untrustworthy.
Unlike, say, Severus, who returned to Tom's side at Albus's request, and who risked a horrific and protracted death by torture to obey Albus.
How did the Marauders learn Occlumency so well and so quickly? Did the Blacks or the Potters have some family traditions regarding this obscure art that they drew upon? Or did those creative mayhem-brewers invent some alternate way of teaching the skill?
Fifteen and sixteen year old students utterly bamboozled Albus Dumbledore when he investigated their Werewolf Caper. That had to have rankled.
How did they do it?
No good asking the survivors, his supposed followers--they put, still, pack-loyalty ahead of what should be their absolute obedience to him.
And Harry is clearly Pack to Sirius, and shows signs of reciprocating.
So. Spring on Sirius,the very day before Harry is to leave him ,that Harry is doomed to learn Occlumency under Severus's wand. Surely, whatever tips and tricks the Marauders had learned or had developed to protect against mental intrusion, Sirius would pass on hurriedly to his godson?
Hurriedly being the salient point--he couldn't possibly teach them thoroughly enough for Harry to protect himself against the full wanded and incanted Legilimens spell cast by a wizard of Snape's power and skill.
So whatever special techniques the Marauders had learned or had developed would be open to Snape, who would--good obedient boy!--pass them on to his true master.
Dumbledore.
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-04 06:13 pm (UTC)BTW it was Severus who called Occlumency 'obscure', yet there seem to be too many Occlumenses running around. Did Severus use the word 'obscure' to discourage Harry from seeking instructions or tips from other sources (it's obscure, nobody else knows about it!)? Or perhaps he was implying the Latin meaning - dark - ie he was teaching Harry a Dark Art, something that would horrify Harry if he knew?
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-04 09:30 pm (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-05 01:00 am (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-08 12:09 am (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-04 11:20 pm (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-05 01:30 am (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-05 01:54 am (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-06 09:28 am (UTC)As I recall, Terri’s theory is that the Marauders also were not good enough to disguise the fact that they were Occluding, but they were all hiding so much (from mere pranks to actual crimes to out-right treason) that Dumbles couldn’t pin down anything specific without letting them know he was Legilimizing them.
That seems supported by canon - Snape obviously tried legilimizing Harry after 'Moody' stole Polyjuice ingredients in Goblet of Fire, but Harry had enough mixed feelings that Snape didn't get anything coherent (innocence of any recent wrongdoing Snape was implying, then sort-of guilt at the named crime but too confused and far away - Harry didn't know what to make of it in this context, so neither could Snape).
Maybe that also explains how the Marauders hid their misdeeds - they didn't really know Occlumency, but had just heard/read enough about it to know to avoid eye contact (convincingly looking down in shame was something they must have had practice with, considering how much they got away with, and it could be balanced with looking around wildly fretting over what could have happened) and distract - think of as many conflicting emotional things at once in the moments you have to look without giving Dumbledore the time to sort through them. And while that worked well enough in their situation, with Dumbledore not wanting to use full/noticable force on -in his perception- harmless schoolboys and even hiding the fact that they were doing it on purpose, which might have prompted Dumbledore to look deeper after all, it would hardly help against Voldemort, especially if you have him in your head, explaining why Sirius wouldn't think to mention it as useful to someone trying to learn actual Occlumency.
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-08 12:19 am (UTC)Unless, of course, he did, as I once suggested....
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-05 02:17 pm (UTC)Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-08 12:42 am (UTC)And very unlikely that Severus would avoid rubbing it in that HE was both crucial to the War Effort and in DD's confidence regarding Harry, and Sirius was emphatically neither.
So--almost certain that Sirius would start at least a verbal altercation, and exceedingly likely that Snape would seize the opportunity to taunt Sirius about being a useless stay-at-home. And since "Snivellus" is the kind of nickname boys give to someone they've designated a crybaby and squealer rather than a fighter/peer, "See--I'm braver than you after all/You're the coward!" was quite a likely component of Sev's taunts.
And, um, it was always fairly apparent that Sirius chafed under his, in effect, house arrest on DD's orders. Sooner or later he was bound to break and do something stupid or rash.
And when he did, he was likely to get killed, what with the Ministry and general public believing him the worst of rogue Death Eaters, and the Death Eaters knowing him for an enemy.
Or maybe be captured and Kissed, with Dumbledore, alas, helpless to provide him another hippogriff rescue.
Leaving Harry blaming Snape for having goaded him. Rather than dwelling for very long on, say, Dumbledore's role in Sirius's predicament.
Re: A Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory: Timing Part Two
Date: 2015-01-13 07:12 pm (UTC)Incidentally, in my personal head canon, Snape knew exactly what the Marauders were up to because he was able to read it out of their heads, and set out to the whomping willow to gain some sort of photographic proof of it. He must have been very frustrated knowing they were letting a werewolf loose in the forbidden forest, but unable to provide any proof without implicating himself as a budding legilimens.
Re: Snape's Teaching Method:/ Canon that it's THE Teaching Method
Date: 2015-01-05 02:58 am (UTC)No getting him a book to read first, no letting him practice casting casting without a Dementor in the room first.
Never mind that it's just common sense that casting for a first time when you aren't under a attack would be easier. And that knowing that you can cast would help boost your confidence when the Dementor stand in is introduced into the lesson.
We also know that this more humane method would work.
DA member learned it that way, and (after spending almost a year under the DE's gentle care) were able to cast to repel Dementors.
But still Lupin "The most awesome teacher ever" teaches by making Harry faint repeatedly and suffer the effect of a Dementor.
Re: Snape's Teaching Method:/ Canon that it's THE Teaching Method
Date: 2015-01-06 03:39 am (UTC)Which only makes sense, give that historically these were standard teaching methods. (The first still is, to only a slightly lesser extent than in the past.) The Hogwarts staff and any private tutors are hardly likely to be reading Muggle educational research, are they? Honestly, we should probably be surprised they aren't still reciting lessons aloud in class.
The DA, which introduces such wild ideas as letting the kids try Patronuses without any Dementor influence first, is notably taught by Harry-backed-by-Hermione, both of whom had several years of Muggle schooling relatively recently. Probably not a coincidence...
Rowling occasionally pretends there's some sort of theoretical basis for magic and that they learn it, like when Flitwick makes them read "extra books" to prepare at one point, but it's pretty unconvincing. Potions might be the only class where there's enough talk of experimentation and certain ingredients causing certain effects that you can actually imagine it as a real academic subject, and most of that is only because of its similarities to chemistry, which many readers have actually taken and so can fill in the blanks more easily. And even there we don't see either Snape or Slughorn giving demonstrations on the proper/best ways to slice roots and crush juice out of beans before turning the kids loose with their silver knives, never mind making them solve potions problems of some sort. It's just not how it's done! Real wizard teachers don't explain things!
Re: Snape's Teaching Method:/ Canon that it's THE Teaching Method
Date: 2015-01-06 07:00 am (UTC)Re: Potions - we get the occasional example of essays Harry has to write, so we know he is supposed to study about the properties of ingredients. We have the HBP's comments about how modification of technique influence the outcome of brewing. This is also reflected in Severus' analysis of the mistake Neville made when he mucked up the Shrinking Solution in Y3 or the very first potion they brewed in Y1.
In the wand-waving fields essays are mentioned, but it isn't clear what would be in them (usually Harry has to write about some spell or category of spells, but there is no defined question). In the early books we heard occasionally about wand movements, but by book 6 Harry can cast the HBP's spells without being shown or even told what movement to use.
Re: Snape's Teaching Method:/ Canon that it's THE Teaching Method
Date: 2015-01-06 07:44 pm (UTC)They were practicing in RoR. So, maybe if there was a Boggart somewhere in the castle the room would have had it in.
But the room would probably only do it if Harry thought it would help the lesson. Even so it would be problematic. Harry's the only one with Boggart!Dementor so I have no idea how would they organize that.