Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 24
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deathtocapslockI thought I'd post one more of these before I departed from the lovely land of Harry Potter and Iron Maiden and returned to my boring old American hometown.
[Kreacher resurfaces in the attic awhile later]
Harry: He seems happier now than before. Too happy. This is bad, I just know it.
[The holidays are over, and the time to return to Hogwarts draws near]
Harry: And Sirius seems so sad. It sure is a shame I have to leave him here with Kreacher, even to go back to Hogwarts.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, Harry! Snape is here and he wants to see you!
Harry: Just when I think my life can’t get any worse….
[He goes downstairs to meet Snape, to find him and Sirius sitting at a table glowering at each other]
Snape: Oh, it’s you. Have a seat—don’t mind us. We’re just giving each other the silent treatment.
Harry: Snape is here AND he’s being an immature jerk! I fail to see how this could possibly get more painful!
Snape: By the way, your idiot godfather just won’t leave us alone together!
Sirius: I’m right here!
Harry: And now he’s quarreling with poor Sirius right in front of me. God, AK me! Just AK me right now!
Snape: It’s like this: Dumbledore has given me express orders that I am to teach you Occlumency for the foreseeable future!
Harry: I have to spend even MORE time with Snape?! AAAAAAGH CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?!
Snape: Believe me, I don’t want this any more than you do, but the order came from Dumbledore himself. I am to give you super-secret Occlumency lessons once a week from now on.
Sirius: Well…why the hell does Dumbledore want you of all people to be Harry’s instructor? Why can’t he do it himself?
Snape: Because he’s a fucking troll, that’s why! Now, Harry, if anyone asks you why you need to see me, you are to tell them you’re taking remedial Potions.
Harry: What?! Now you’re trying to humiliate me by implying I’m not good enough as is?!
Snape: Well, frankly, you’re not good to begin with.
Harry: I am so good! I’m just bad because you suck as a teacher!
Snape: You couldn’t even tell me the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane!
Harry: That was four years ago!
Snape: My point still stands! You suck at potions so anyone will believe that as a credible story!
Harry: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Sirius: Snape, I’m warning you—if you abuse your lessons to hurt Harry in any way I’ll have your head.
Snape: I do not fear you, for you are stuck in this run-down old house that you hate—all on Dumbledore’s orders, of course.
Sirius: Fuck you—Snivellus!!
Snape: Just for that, I’ll tell you now that I’ll bet you deliberately allowed Lucius to recognize you in your dog form, just so you’d have an excuse to be stuck here and hide away from trouble!
Sirius: That’s not true! The last thing I want is to be stuck here!
Snape: In brief, you’re a coward!
Sirius: [Grabs wand] I am not a coward, you piece of shit! My wand is ten times bigger than yours!
Harry: Sirius, no! If you kill him now, you’ll get in trouble and I can’t find a target for my rage every time I don’t get my way!
Snape: Like, how thoughtful of you.
[But just then, the Weasleys all come in]
Mr. Weasley: Hi, uh, yeah, I’m just dropping in to tell you that I’m cured, and will likely never have to face danger in this series again.
Everyone else: Hooray!
Mr. Weasley: So, let’s get down to business. What the hell are you three doing?!
Harry: I think Sirius and Snape are about to kill each other, Mr. Weasley!
Snape: No! No we weren’t! I…ah…fuck this is annoying. I’m out of here! [Walks to the door] I’ll see you when you return to school, Harry! Do not be laaaaaate!
Mr. Weasley: So…Sirius, what was that all about?
Sirius: Ah…nothing. I just…ah…was about to engage in some bromantic love with Snape.
Mr. Weasley: Well…I just want to say that if that’s really what you want, I support you. We are an open-minded, inclusive family, who do not discriminate—
Other family members: [Burst out laughing]
[After dinner, Harry explains the situation to Ron and Hermione]
Ron: Wow, you have extra lessons with Snape? That’s awful! Maybe you should just let Voldemort probe your mind some more instead.
Hermione: Oh, you say that but you don’t mean it.
[They leave for Hogwarts not long after…]
Harry: I don’t want to leave Sirius. I have this awful sense of foreboding that something terrible will happen to him.
Sirius: By the way, Harry, I have something Very Important to give you. If you ever need to contact me, use this. [Hands Harry a bundle]
Harry: Thanks, man. I will.
[They take the Knight Bus to Hogwarts]
Stan Shunpike: Hey Harry, you remember me from two books ago?
Harry: Why should I remember you? You’re a nobody!
Stan Shunpike: Damn you! I’ll have my revenge on you one day, I just know it!
Harry: Oooh, I’m soooo scared. What’re you gonna do, strike me with your bus?
[The next day…]
Zacharias Smith: Harry, Harry—are we going to have another lesson tonight?
Harry: Sorry, I have to take remedial Potions with Snape.
Zacharias Smith: What? But he doesn’t give extra lessons. You must be terrible!
Harry: It’s not my fault, okay? He’s doing it to torture me because he hates me! [Cries]
Zacharias Smith: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Cho: Hello, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello my love!
Cho: So…anyway, there’s a Hogsmeade trip on Valentine’s Day.
Harry: Oh, really? Do you…ah…want to hang out with me there, then?
Cho: Sure, alright. I’ve got nothing better to do and I want more screen time.
Harry: Done!
Cho: Sounds good!
[That night, Harry goes to the dungeon for lessons…]
Snape: Welcome to hell. So, shall we begin?
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Anything you say, Mr. Evil.
Snape: You will address me as Professor or Sir, thank you very much.
Harry: Alright, Sir. I’ll do anything you say but I still hate you.
Snape: So, anyway, if the stars align and you succeed in mastering Occlumency you will be able to conceal your thoughts from the Dark Lord….
Harry: Aha! The Dark Lord is what the Death Eaters call Voldemort! Therefore you must still be a Death Eater at heart!
Snape: Now you’re just jumping to conclusions!
Harry: Hey, I’ve come this far in life jumping to conclusions, so why stop now?!
Snape: This is going to be painful…. So, anyway, as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, the Dark Lord can use Legilimency!
Harry: Oh, so he can read minds?
Snape: Well, if you want to call it by the inferior muggle term you could call it mind-reading. But, my point is, Legilimency can be tricked or countered, if you know Occlumency.
Harry: But…does this mean Voldemort could just read our minds at any time?
Snape: No. You can’t just do Legilimency from anywhere; you have to look directly at someone.
Harry: Then why in the hell do I have to learn Occlumency?!
Snape: Because there’s a mind link between you and the Dark Lord, okay?! I don’t know what it is or how it operates but you have it and it’s dangerous! If you value your life and those of your friends and family you’ll put everything you have into learning this extremely important skill!
Harry: But…but that sounds hard!
Snape: You expect everything in life to come to you easily?!
Harry: Well, quite frankly, yes. I’m the main character, after all.
Snape: Lots of main characters don’t just have everything handed to them on a silver platter! Have you ever heard of Harry Dresden?!
Harry: What, you mean that other wizard named Harry who’s completely inferior to myself?
Snape: …Wow…you actually do know about him…! But…that’s not the point! The point is, you must learn Occlumency, for your good as well as everyone else’s!
Harry: But seriously, aren’t my powers helpful? I mean, I was able to alert people to Mr. Weasley’s attack ahead of schedule.
Snape: The trouble is, if the Dark Lord ever becomes aware of your mind link he could feed you falsehoods or use it against you.
Harry: But how does all this explain how I was able to see inside the snake’s head?
Snape: Most likely the Dark Lord was possessing the snake.
Harry: Oh. It’s all coming together. And with less fighting than we usually go through.
Snape: True, true. Why do I get the feeling this won’t last?
Harry: You and me both.
Snape: Now sit quietly like a good boy while I do a trick.
[Snape pulls out a wand and drops some thoughts into a nearby Pensieve]
Harry: Ooh! Can I look inside?!
Snape: No. It’s private.
Harry: [Snickers]
Snape: What’s so funny?
Harry: You…you say that like it’s going to stop me.
Snape: I can try.
Harry: You can try all you want, but failure is the only option.
Snape: Whatever. Just get out your wand.
Harry: Eew! You sick man!
Snape: You know what I mean!
Harry: Alright, alright. [Pulls out wand]
Snape: So, I am going to cast a spell on you, and you must resist it. Since you can resist the Imperius Curse, for no readily-discernible reason, I trust you will have similar luck with this one. Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY ARE YOU VIOLATING MY MIND SO?! [Faints]
Snape: Oh, come on, were you even trying?
Harry: How dare you defile my mind?! This is the second time this book it’s happened!
Snape: If this author can make horrible depression metaphors she can make horrible rape metaphors. Deal with it.
Harry: Is this my future? Being threatened by symbolic depression and rape everywhere I go?
Snape: Well, the good news is, you showed some resistance to my spell. [Shows burn mark on hand] You managed to burn me with your wand. But in future you’ll need to rely entirely on your mind.
Harry: But I have no mind to resist with!
Snape: So that’s how you’ve managed to resist the Imperius so well? It’s your natural state?
Harry: Pretty much.
Snape: Argh, this is so frustrating!
Harry: It isn’t any easier for me than it is for you.
Snape: Just don’t think. Clear your mind.
Harry: I already don’t think half the time.
Snape: Don’t feel either.
Harry: But that’s haaaaard.
Snape: Good. You get your first taste of having to do what’s right instead of what’s easy. Isn’t that the choice you have to make in this series?
Harry: But…that’s just something they say to attract people to read my books and watch my movies!
Snape: Right. So if you don’t live up to it you’ll be false advertising! That’s a crime!
Harry: It’s a crime?
Snape: Damn right it’s a crime! Now let’s get back to the lesson! Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! I SEE DEAD CEDRIC! HE’S SPARKLIIIIING!
Snape: Again, you’re not trying!
Harry: Yes I am!
Snape: No! You have no handle on your emotions!
Harry: That’s never been a problem for me before!
Snape: Well now it is, so fix it!
Harry: I don’t wanna!
Snape: That’s what weaklings say!
Harry: I’m not a weakling!
Snape: Yes you are!
Harry: No I’m not!
Snape: Are too!
Harry: Am not!
Snape: Then prove it! Legilimens!
Harry: I see…a mysterious door!
Snape: No, dammit! You’re not supposed to see anything at all!
Harry: But I do! It’s the same mysterious door I’ve been having dreams about! I think it’s in the…Department of Mysteries?
Snape: What’s that got to do with anything?!
Harry: Well…just what is in the Department of Mysteries, anyway?
Snape: Nothing that concerns you. Can we just get back to the lesson?
Harry: No, dammit! I’m the main character! If I see the phrase “Department of Mysteries” it’s only because I’m destined to find out what those mysteries are!
Snape: It’s a lie! Your mind’s playing tricks on you! This is a perfect case study in why you must learn Occlumency right now!
Harry: But…!
Snape: No buts! Now you will return to me every Wednesday to continue our lesson. In the meantime, I want you to practice clearing your mind of emotions before you sleep—a very useful skill.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. [Leaves]
Snape: He’s doomed…. [Goes to Pensieve and returns some memories to his head]
[Harry meets up with Ron and Hermione in the library]
Harry: Ron! Hermione! I know about the Department of Mysteries!
Ron: You mean…in the Ministry of Magic? You think Voldemort wants something from there?
Hermione: Oh, is this the same door Sturgis Podmore tried to get into?
Ron: Wait—why would someone on our side be trying to get in there?
Hermione: I don’t know—it’s suspicious.
Ron: Suspicious enough to be important, you think?
Hermione: Most likely not. [to Harry] Wow, you look terrible!
Harry: Of course I do! Occlumency is horrible—I’m subject to constant psychic assaults from Snape!*
Hermione: Wow, that does sound horrible. Oh, well—nothing to be done about it. Let’s just go back to our room.
[In the Common Room…]
Fred: So, yeah, my brother and I invented Headless Hats. You try one on, both head and hat will become invisible!
Harry: I…I don’t feel so good. I think I’ll just go to bed early and wallow in how defiled I am.
[He goes to his room, when suddenly…]
Harry: AAAAAH! IT’S VOLDEMORT! HE’S…he’s happy. What the fuck?
Ron: Harry, are you alright?
Harry: Voldemort’s happy! How in the hell is he happy?! Is he laughing at my torment from afar?!
Ron: I’m sure you’re just tired after your Occlumency lesson. Get some sleep.
Harry: H-how in the hell am I supposed to sleep at a time like this?!
[Meanwhile, in the dungeons…]
Snape: Harry shall never see inside my Pensieve! He will never witness the horrors it contains! Never! Bwahahahahaha!
*AN: As I think of it, how creepy is it that there’s no way to defend yourself from what amounts to symbolic rape other than to experience it? And why the hell do “good guys” use a power like that?!
[Kreacher resurfaces in the attic awhile later]
Harry: He seems happier now than before. Too happy. This is bad, I just know it.
[The holidays are over, and the time to return to Hogwarts draws near]
Harry: And Sirius seems so sad. It sure is a shame I have to leave him here with Kreacher, even to go back to Hogwarts.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, Harry! Snape is here and he wants to see you!
Harry: Just when I think my life can’t get any worse….
[He goes downstairs to meet Snape, to find him and Sirius sitting at a table glowering at each other]
Snape: Oh, it’s you. Have a seat—don’t mind us. We’re just giving each other the silent treatment.
Harry: Snape is here AND he’s being an immature jerk! I fail to see how this could possibly get more painful!
Snape: By the way, your idiot godfather just won’t leave us alone together!
Sirius: I’m right here!
Harry: And now he’s quarreling with poor Sirius right in front of me. God, AK me! Just AK me right now!
Snape: It’s like this: Dumbledore has given me express orders that I am to teach you Occlumency for the foreseeable future!
Harry: I have to spend even MORE time with Snape?! AAAAAAGH CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?!
Snape: Believe me, I don’t want this any more than you do, but the order came from Dumbledore himself. I am to give you super-secret Occlumency lessons once a week from now on.
Sirius: Well…why the hell does Dumbledore want you of all people to be Harry’s instructor? Why can’t he do it himself?
Snape: Because he’s a fucking troll, that’s why! Now, Harry, if anyone asks you why you need to see me, you are to tell them you’re taking remedial Potions.
Harry: What?! Now you’re trying to humiliate me by implying I’m not good enough as is?!
Snape: Well, frankly, you’re not good to begin with.
Harry: I am so good! I’m just bad because you suck as a teacher!
Snape: You couldn’t even tell me the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane!
Harry: That was four years ago!
Snape: My point still stands! You suck at potions so anyone will believe that as a credible story!
Harry: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
Sirius: Snape, I’m warning you—if you abuse your lessons to hurt Harry in any way I’ll have your head.
Snape: I do not fear you, for you are stuck in this run-down old house that you hate—all on Dumbledore’s orders, of course.
Sirius: Fuck you—Snivellus!!
Snape: Just for that, I’ll tell you now that I’ll bet you deliberately allowed Lucius to recognize you in your dog form, just so you’d have an excuse to be stuck here and hide away from trouble!
Sirius: That’s not true! The last thing I want is to be stuck here!
Snape: In brief, you’re a coward!
Sirius: [Grabs wand] I am not a coward, you piece of shit! My wand is ten times bigger than yours!
Harry: Sirius, no! If you kill him now, you’ll get in trouble and I can’t find a target for my rage every time I don’t get my way!
Snape: Like, how thoughtful of you.
[But just then, the Weasleys all come in]
Mr. Weasley: Hi, uh, yeah, I’m just dropping in to tell you that I’m cured, and will likely never have to face danger in this series again.
Everyone else: Hooray!
Mr. Weasley: So, let’s get down to business. What the hell are you three doing?!
Harry: I think Sirius and Snape are about to kill each other, Mr. Weasley!
Snape: No! No we weren’t! I…ah…fuck this is annoying. I’m out of here! [Walks to the door] I’ll see you when you return to school, Harry! Do not be laaaaaate!
Mr. Weasley: So…Sirius, what was that all about?
Sirius: Ah…nothing. I just…ah…was about to engage in some bromantic love with Snape.
Mr. Weasley: Well…I just want to say that if that’s really what you want, I support you. We are an open-minded, inclusive family, who do not discriminate—
Other family members: [Burst out laughing]
[After dinner, Harry explains the situation to Ron and Hermione]
Ron: Wow, you have extra lessons with Snape? That’s awful! Maybe you should just let Voldemort probe your mind some more instead.
Hermione: Oh, you say that but you don’t mean it.
[They leave for Hogwarts not long after…]
Harry: I don’t want to leave Sirius. I have this awful sense of foreboding that something terrible will happen to him.
Sirius: By the way, Harry, I have something Very Important to give you. If you ever need to contact me, use this. [Hands Harry a bundle]
Harry: Thanks, man. I will.
[They take the Knight Bus to Hogwarts]
Stan Shunpike: Hey Harry, you remember me from two books ago?
Harry: Why should I remember you? You’re a nobody!
Stan Shunpike: Damn you! I’ll have my revenge on you one day, I just know it!
Harry: Oooh, I’m soooo scared. What’re you gonna do, strike me with your bus?
[The next day…]
Zacharias Smith: Harry, Harry—are we going to have another lesson tonight?
Harry: Sorry, I have to take remedial Potions with Snape.
Zacharias Smith: What? But he doesn’t give extra lessons. You must be terrible!
Harry: It’s not my fault, okay? He’s doing it to torture me because he hates me! [Cries]
Zacharias Smith: Whatever…. [Leaves]
Cho: Hello, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello my love!
Cho: So…anyway, there’s a Hogsmeade trip on Valentine’s Day.
Harry: Oh, really? Do you…ah…want to hang out with me there, then?
Cho: Sure, alright. I’ve got nothing better to do and I want more screen time.
Harry: Done!
Cho: Sounds good!
[That night, Harry goes to the dungeon for lessons…]
Snape: Welcome to hell. So, shall we begin?
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Anything you say, Mr. Evil.
Snape: You will address me as Professor or Sir, thank you very much.
Harry: Alright, Sir. I’ll do anything you say but I still hate you.
Snape: So, anyway, if the stars align and you succeed in mastering Occlumency you will be able to conceal your thoughts from the Dark Lord….
Harry: Aha! The Dark Lord is what the Death Eaters call Voldemort! Therefore you must still be a Death Eater at heart!
Snape: Now you’re just jumping to conclusions!
Harry: Hey, I’ve come this far in life jumping to conclusions, so why stop now?!
Snape: This is going to be painful…. So, anyway, as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, the Dark Lord can use Legilimency!
Harry: Oh, so he can read minds?
Snape: Well, if you want to call it by the inferior muggle term you could call it mind-reading. But, my point is, Legilimency can be tricked or countered, if you know Occlumency.
Harry: But…does this mean Voldemort could just read our minds at any time?
Snape: No. You can’t just do Legilimency from anywhere; you have to look directly at someone.
Harry: Then why in the hell do I have to learn Occlumency?!
Snape: Because there’s a mind link between you and the Dark Lord, okay?! I don’t know what it is or how it operates but you have it and it’s dangerous! If you value your life and those of your friends and family you’ll put everything you have into learning this extremely important skill!
Harry: But…but that sounds hard!
Snape: You expect everything in life to come to you easily?!
Harry: Well, quite frankly, yes. I’m the main character, after all.
Snape: Lots of main characters don’t just have everything handed to them on a silver platter! Have you ever heard of Harry Dresden?!
Harry: What, you mean that other wizard named Harry who’s completely inferior to myself?
Snape: …Wow…you actually do know about him…! But…that’s not the point! The point is, you must learn Occlumency, for your good as well as everyone else’s!
Harry: But seriously, aren’t my powers helpful? I mean, I was able to alert people to Mr. Weasley’s attack ahead of schedule.
Snape: The trouble is, if the Dark Lord ever becomes aware of your mind link he could feed you falsehoods or use it against you.
Harry: But how does all this explain how I was able to see inside the snake’s head?
Snape: Most likely the Dark Lord was possessing the snake.
Harry: Oh. It’s all coming together. And with less fighting than we usually go through.
Snape: True, true. Why do I get the feeling this won’t last?
Harry: You and me both.
Snape: Now sit quietly like a good boy while I do a trick.
[Snape pulls out a wand and drops some thoughts into a nearby Pensieve]
Harry: Ooh! Can I look inside?!
Snape: No. It’s private.
Harry: [Snickers]
Snape: What’s so funny?
Harry: You…you say that like it’s going to stop me.
Snape: I can try.
Harry: You can try all you want, but failure is the only option.
Snape: Whatever. Just get out your wand.
Harry: Eew! You sick man!
Snape: You know what I mean!
Harry: Alright, alright. [Pulls out wand]
Snape: So, I am going to cast a spell on you, and you must resist it. Since you can resist the Imperius Curse, for no readily-discernible reason, I trust you will have similar luck with this one. Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY ARE YOU VIOLATING MY MIND SO?! [Faints]
Snape: Oh, come on, were you even trying?
Harry: How dare you defile my mind?! This is the second time this book it’s happened!
Snape: If this author can make horrible depression metaphors she can make horrible rape metaphors. Deal with it.
Harry: Is this my future? Being threatened by symbolic depression and rape everywhere I go?
Snape: Well, the good news is, you showed some resistance to my spell. [Shows burn mark on hand] You managed to burn me with your wand. But in future you’ll need to rely entirely on your mind.
Harry: But I have no mind to resist with!
Snape: So that’s how you’ve managed to resist the Imperius so well? It’s your natural state?
Harry: Pretty much.
Snape: Argh, this is so frustrating!
Harry: It isn’t any easier for me than it is for you.
Snape: Just don’t think. Clear your mind.
Harry: I already don’t think half the time.
Snape: Don’t feel either.
Harry: But that’s haaaaard.
Snape: Good. You get your first taste of having to do what’s right instead of what’s easy. Isn’t that the choice you have to make in this series?
Harry: But…that’s just something they say to attract people to read my books and watch my movies!
Snape: Right. So if you don’t live up to it you’ll be false advertising! That’s a crime!
Harry: It’s a crime?
Snape: Damn right it’s a crime! Now let’s get back to the lesson! Legilimens!
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! I SEE DEAD CEDRIC! HE’S SPARKLIIIIING!
Snape: Again, you’re not trying!
Harry: Yes I am!
Snape: No! You have no handle on your emotions!
Harry: That’s never been a problem for me before!
Snape: Well now it is, so fix it!
Harry: I don’t wanna!
Snape: That’s what weaklings say!
Harry: I’m not a weakling!
Snape: Yes you are!
Harry: No I’m not!
Snape: Are too!
Harry: Am not!
Snape: Then prove it! Legilimens!
Harry: I see…a mysterious door!
Snape: No, dammit! You’re not supposed to see anything at all!
Harry: But I do! It’s the same mysterious door I’ve been having dreams about! I think it’s in the…Department of Mysteries?
Snape: What’s that got to do with anything?!
Harry: Well…just what is in the Department of Mysteries, anyway?
Snape: Nothing that concerns you. Can we just get back to the lesson?
Harry: No, dammit! I’m the main character! If I see the phrase “Department of Mysteries” it’s only because I’m destined to find out what those mysteries are!
Snape: It’s a lie! Your mind’s playing tricks on you! This is a perfect case study in why you must learn Occlumency right now!
Harry: But…!
Snape: No buts! Now you will return to me every Wednesday to continue our lesson. In the meantime, I want you to practice clearing your mind of emotions before you sleep—a very useful skill.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. [Leaves]
Snape: He’s doomed…. [Goes to Pensieve and returns some memories to his head]
[Harry meets up with Ron and Hermione in the library]
Harry: Ron! Hermione! I know about the Department of Mysteries!
Ron: You mean…in the Ministry of Magic? You think Voldemort wants something from there?
Hermione: Oh, is this the same door Sturgis Podmore tried to get into?
Ron: Wait—why would someone on our side be trying to get in there?
Hermione: I don’t know—it’s suspicious.
Ron: Suspicious enough to be important, you think?
Hermione: Most likely not. [to Harry] Wow, you look terrible!
Harry: Of course I do! Occlumency is horrible—I’m subject to constant psychic assaults from Snape!*
Hermione: Wow, that does sound horrible. Oh, well—nothing to be done about it. Let’s just go back to our room.
[In the Common Room…]
Fred: So, yeah, my brother and I invented Headless Hats. You try one on, both head and hat will become invisible!
Harry: I…I don’t feel so good. I think I’ll just go to bed early and wallow in how defiled I am.
[He goes to his room, when suddenly…]
Harry: AAAAAH! IT’S VOLDEMORT! HE’S…he’s happy. What the fuck?
Ron: Harry, are you alright?
Harry: Voldemort’s happy! How in the hell is he happy?! Is he laughing at my torment from afar?!
Ron: I’m sure you’re just tired after your Occlumency lesson. Get some sleep.
Harry: H-how in the hell am I supposed to sleep at a time like this?!
[Meanwhile, in the dungeons…]
Snape: Harry shall never see inside my Pensieve! He will never witness the horrors it contains! Never! Bwahahahahaha!
*AN: As I think of it, how creepy is it that there’s no way to defend yourself from what amounts to symbolic rape other than to experience it? And why the hell do “good guys” use a power like that?!
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Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-05 05:10 am (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-05 05:41 am (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-06 03:19 am (UTC)I Survived...!
Date: 2015-01-06 04:24 am (UTC)There is no more arrogant clique in Hogwarts than Snape’s NEWT class. They burst with pride every time their surly professor snarls, “Adequate,” and hold wild, drunken parties at the end of the year for the Survivors. At the instigation of their muggle-raised members, they have t-shirts made that read ‘Not a Dunderhead’ and ‘I Survived Seven Years of Snape!’ (This is inspired by the social statistics class I took as a grad student—‘I Survived Geography 426!’ It was extremely useful in teaching me the difference between graduate school and plain old college, and I got to know my fellow grad students as well. No one gets through Geography 426 alone. The teacher was a cheerful, agreeable fellow, but it was a tough class.)
Re: I Survived...!
Date: 2015-01-09 02:32 am (UTC)I always wondered how Percy did in Snape's class. Shame Jo killed Snape off; otherwise he and Percy could have commiserated over finding out their morally upright boss, er, wasn't so much. And about popular young bullies.
Percy and the Bat
Date: 2015-01-09 04:34 am (UTC)I suspect Percy enjoyed potions; he would like the precision and the orderliness. Also, for Percy’s early years at Hogwarts, he was dealing with a version of Professor Snape who was simply a strict, demanding teacher. Snape had had time to recover from his Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, had gained some experience as a teacher, and managed to whip Slytherin House into shape, which indicates his own students respected him enough to work hard and be on reasonably good behavior. His insistence on order and discipline would suit Percy down to the ground, and his sarcasm may have seemed downright witty next to the style of humor Percy was used to from the twins.
Maybe Percy should follow the example of his two elder brothers and leave the country. You think anyone in Osoyoos will recognize the significance of his ‘Not a Dunderhead’ t-shirt?
Re: Percy and the Bat
Date: 2015-01-12 03:06 am (UTC)If wizards have any sense at all--not a sure thing, I know--several families left for Canada during both VoldWars. So Percy and Snape could probably find a decent-sized group of Potions-By-Snape alumni!
Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-06 07:02 am (UTC)Oh, Canada! How roam a neigh-tough land!
Date: 2015-01-06 08:43 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, Canada! How roam a neigh-tough land!
Date: 2015-01-07 01:24 am (UTC)Re: Oh, Canada! How roam a neigh-tough land!
Date: 2015-01-07 02:03 am (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-09 02:34 am (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-09 10:14 pm (UTC)I don't know if that's a good idea or not. I read a postwar fanfic a while back in which Snape says he's afraid to go to Canada because the British and Canadian magical governments are still connected, so much so that they have the same court system. It's in The Clear Cut, by Mottsnave, on FFN. Its prequel is The New Skin. Both stories are excellent mysteries. Though Skin was published after Cut, it does come before Cut chronologically.
If you're interested in Sherlock Holmes pastiches, Westron Wynde's, also on FFN, are absolutely wonderful. I can't recommend them too highly.
Happy 55th Birthday, Severus Snape! You're officially old enough for senior citizen discounts in some places.
The Clear Cut
Date: 2015-01-09 11:22 pm (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-10 03:09 am (UTC)Snape turns 55! Finally the same age as PS!A.R.!
Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-11 01:13 am (UTC)Re: Welcome to the Royal Navy
Date: 2015-01-12 05:22 am (UTC)