Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 25
Jan. 5th, 2015 09:07 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next morning…]
Hermione: Harry! Ron! I’ve just received word that a number of Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban!
Harry: Hey, I recognize one of those. It’s Bellatrix Lestrange.
Hermione: And that’s not all. They’re blaming Sirius for everything!
Harry: But…that’s so unfair!
Hermione: Well…they are slaves to PR. Maybe they just don’t want to admit they screwed up. Oh, and a Ministry worker named Bode was murdered by a plant brought to him in the hospital.
Harry: So that was the suspicious plant that healer was talking about at St. Mango’s.
Ron: It’s St. Mungo’s.
Harry: Whatever.
Ron: But how could someone send a patient Devil’s Snare and not realize it would kill them?
Hermione: If you had any brains at all you’d realize that this was premeditated murder.
Ron: I do too have brains!
Harry: Haven’t you forgotten? It’s your job to have even less brains than I do, so I look clever by comparison!
Ron: …I hate my life. Oh, but did you know that Bode was an Unspeakable?
Hermione: That’s nice, dummy. Now I’m off to write a letter…ahem…addressing this terrible news. [Leaves]
Ron: Hey, look—it’s Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, hello there!
Ron: You look terrible!
Hagrid: Tell me something I don’t know. I’m on probation.
Ron: Wow, how awful!
Hagrid: Well, I guess that was kind of a rubbish lesson.
Harry: But still….
[Throughout the day, the only news that most people bother to mention is that of the escaped Death Eaters]
Susan Bones: Harry, since my family was killed by Death Eaters I now have a profound insight into what your life is like.
Harry: Wow, you mean it?!
Susan Bones: Yes. Now will you give me more screen time?
Harry: If I feel like it.
[Umbridge has also instated a new decree]
Harry: So now our teachers can’t pass on any information that’s not related to their classes. This sucks!
Lee Jordan: Well, look on the bright side—at least now the teachers can’t yell at us for being disrespectful or disruptive, since it’s not related to their class!
Umbridge: I heard that, you! Prepare to be tortured!
Harry: By the way, essence of Murtlap helps with the torture.
Lee Jordan: You’re far too empty-headed to contribute anything unless you have prior experience with it; therefore I trust your judgment and will try to procure some.
[Umbridge has taken to attending Divination and Care of Magical Creatures lessons regularly]
Harry: And neither Trelawney nor Hagrid is taking it well. I think Trelawney’s developed a drinking problem.
Trelawney: I heard that!
Hagrid: By the way, you probably shouldn’t visit me after dark anymore. I wouldn’t want Umbridge to catch you making trouble.
Harry: I’m sure Umbridge is doing all this to torment me! She’s being evil just to deprive me of everything I love about Hogwarts! [Cry]
[On a more positive note, Neville is vastly improving in the DA]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re mastering these techniques faster than anyone except Hermione.
Neville: Well maybe if I perform as well as her you’ll finally respect me and call me by my proper name!
Harry: I thought Navel was your proper name.
Neville: [Facepalm]
Harry: And yet, despite everything, my scar is hurting worse than ever before.
Hermione: Well…maybe it’s like an illness that has to get worse before it gets better?
Ron: I say that it’s all Snape’s fault, and he’s trying to make Harry more susceptible.
Hermione: Oh, please—Snape’s on our side.
Ron: What proof of this do you have? The man used to be a Death Eater!
Hermione: Well…Dumbledore trusts him.
Ron: Sure he does….
[In time, the next Hogsmeade trip arrives and with it Harry’s date with Cho]
Hermione: By the way, Harry, I’ve got an important meeting in Hogsmeade and I’d like you to come.
Harry: Do I have to?! I have a date with Cho!
Hermione: Cho is a side character and an inferior Ravenclaw; therefore I take precedence over her. You will come.
Harry: If you say so, you slave-driver! But I won’t forget this!
Ron: And I can’t come at all because I have quidditch practice! And our team totally sucks!
Harry: How dare you complain about quidditch! Do you have any idea how desperately I want to be in your shoes right now?!
Ron: Oh, you…!
[Harry meets up with Cho on the way out]
Harry: Cho, you look really pretty!
Cho: Of course I do. It’s not like you would have noticed me if I wasn’t.
Harry: …Well…shall we go, then?
Cho: Lead the way!
[As they go to line up with the other students, they pass the quidditch pitch.]
Cho: You really miss playing, don’t you?
Harry: Do I ever! How come my loser friend Ron gets to play and I don’t?!
Cho: By the way, whatever happened to that insane captain of yours?
Harry: Oh, him? He got recruited by a national team.
Cho: Why am I not surprised?
[They also pass by Pansy Parkinson and some of her friends]
Pansy: Cho, why are you dating an annoying emo baby like Harry over there?!
Cho: Silence! If you keep talking that way you won’t get any screen time!
[They get to Hogsmeade…]
Cho: So, do you have any great master plan for this, seeing as you’re the main character and all?
Harry: Me?! You’re the one who’s supposed to know about dating!
Cho: Okay, then…. Let’s go look at some shops.
[They pass by a newsstand that contains the Death Eater story]
Cho: By the way, don’t you think it’s suspicious that when Black escaped there were Dementors all over the place but now these Death Eaters have escaped and there aren’t any?
Harry: It’s all because they were meanies who wanted to pick on my poor dogfather Sirius Black!
Cho: What was that?
Harry: Oh…nothing….
Cho: Alright, here’s an idea—let’s go to a coffee shop!
Harry: That works for me!
[They go to a coffee shop named Madame Puddifoot’s…]
Harry: Aaaagh! This place looks like Umbridge’s office! Cho, why in the hell did you bring me to this hellhole?!
Cho: What? It’s cute.
Harry: Cute?! This place looks like Umbridge’s office—therefore it must be a place of pure evil!
Cho: Don’t be ridiculous—it’s just a coincidence.
Harry: There are no coincidences where I’m concerned—there is only inevitability!
Cho: Oh, I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’ve had something to drink.
[They sit down and order coffee…]
Harry: Hey, Cho—this place is full of couples and they’re, like, kissing. Isn’t that weird?
Cho: Not especially. They are couples—why shouldn’t they kiss?
Harry: Do you want me to kiss you?
Cho: I don’t really know. Do you want to?
Harry: Dammit, why are girls so hard to figure out?!
Cho: I’m right here!
Harry: Oh…sorry.
Cho: So, shall we, you know, have a conversation or something?
Harry: Oh, sure. But…ah…what should we talk about?
Cho: I don’t know. What do we have in common?
Harry: Ah…we both hate Umbridge?
Cho: Yes, that’s a good one. She’s a creep.
Harry: And a psychopath.
Cho: Yes, that too.
[Pause]
Harry: …Okay, that was fun. Now what else can we talk about?
Cho: Oh, I don’t know.
Harry: Listen, I have to go visit Hermione after this. Would you like to come along?
Cho: Hermione?! You’re going on a date with Hermione too?!
Harry: No, no, it’s not like that!
Cho: I knew it—I’m not good enough for you! The only reason why you agreed to go out with a side character like me was so you could look noble! [Cries]
Harry: No, no! That’s not it at all!
Cho: If only Cedric were alive—I might still have a boyfriend!
Harry: You’re not talking about that sparkly loser again, are you?!
Cho: He was never sparkly when I knew him! [Weeps buckets]
Harry: Can we change the subject? Pretty please?
Cho: Aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about how nobody understands your pain? Aren’t you happy you now know someone else who does?
Harry: What are you talking about?! As if a mere side character like you could ever understand my pain and what I suffer!
Cho: Oh, never mind! You go on your date with Hermione! See if I care! I’ll just go out and get my own series! [Cries and walks out]
Harry: She hasn’t even paid…. [Leaves money on the table and walks out after Cho]
[Harry goes to the Three Broomsticks…]
Hagrid: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s you.
Hagrid: By the way, have I ever told you how much I relate to you, what with my being abandoned by my family? But at least your parents were decent and would have raised you properly had they survived.
Harry: What? Where did this come from?
Hagrid: Oh, sorry. I’m just thinking out loud. This will in no way become a plot point. Nope. [Leaves]
[In a little time, Hermione arrives with Luna and Rita Skeeter]
Hermione: Wow, you got here early.
Rita Skeeter: I heard you were seeing a girl. How does that make you feel?
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Hermione: Let’s just stay on topic. Rita Skeeter, I want you to report the truth about what happened in the graveyard and the Death Eaters straight from Harry’s mouth.
Rita Skeeter: Can I at least say how delusional he is?
Hermione and Harry: No!
Rita Skeeter: You people are no fun! It’s not like anyone will read a story telling them that You-Know-Who is back when they’re already scared enough about the Death Eaters. The Daily Prophet won’t publish it, I say!
Luna: The Daily Prophet might not publish it but my father’s magazine will!
Rita Skeeter: And why should I support a hole-in-the-wall industry like that? Especially since most people don’t take The Quibbler seriously to begin with?
Luna: Well—
Hermione: Maybe not everyone will take it seriously but I’m sure at least some people want to know the truth.
Luna: I could have told her that. [Grumbles]
Rita Skeeter: Good, good. What sort of compensation will I get?
Luna: We don’t pay people to publish our stories.
Hermione: You’ll do it for free or I’ll tell everyone that you’re an unregistered Animagus and have you sent to Azkaban to be tortured to death!
Rita Skeeter: Aaagh—what have I done to deserve this?!
Hermione: You crossed Harry and me, and that is an unpardonable offense.
Rita Skeeter: Alright, I get the idea.
Harry: Great—when do we start?
Hermione: Right now. Right, Rita?
Rita Skeeter: I’m ready when you are.
Harry: Finally I have people who care about the way things REALLY happened! [Sobs tears of joy]
Hermione: Harry! Ron! I’ve just received word that a number of Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban!
Harry: Hey, I recognize one of those. It’s Bellatrix Lestrange.
Hermione: And that’s not all. They’re blaming Sirius for everything!
Harry: But…that’s so unfair!
Hermione: Well…they are slaves to PR. Maybe they just don’t want to admit they screwed up. Oh, and a Ministry worker named Bode was murdered by a plant brought to him in the hospital.
Harry: So that was the suspicious plant that healer was talking about at St. Mango’s.
Ron: It’s St. Mungo’s.
Harry: Whatever.
Ron: But how could someone send a patient Devil’s Snare and not realize it would kill them?
Hermione: If you had any brains at all you’d realize that this was premeditated murder.
Ron: I do too have brains!
Harry: Haven’t you forgotten? It’s your job to have even less brains than I do, so I look clever by comparison!
Ron: …I hate my life. Oh, but did you know that Bode was an Unspeakable?
Hermione: That’s nice, dummy. Now I’m off to write a letter…ahem…addressing this terrible news. [Leaves]
Ron: Hey, look—it’s Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, hello there!
Ron: You look terrible!
Hagrid: Tell me something I don’t know. I’m on probation.
Ron: Wow, how awful!
Hagrid: Well, I guess that was kind of a rubbish lesson.
Harry: But still….
[Throughout the day, the only news that most people bother to mention is that of the escaped Death Eaters]
Susan Bones: Harry, since my family was killed by Death Eaters I now have a profound insight into what your life is like.
Harry: Wow, you mean it?!
Susan Bones: Yes. Now will you give me more screen time?
Harry: If I feel like it.
[Umbridge has also instated a new decree]
Harry: So now our teachers can’t pass on any information that’s not related to their classes. This sucks!
Lee Jordan: Well, look on the bright side—at least now the teachers can’t yell at us for being disrespectful or disruptive, since it’s not related to their class!
Umbridge: I heard that, you! Prepare to be tortured!
Harry: By the way, essence of Murtlap helps with the torture.
Lee Jordan: You’re far too empty-headed to contribute anything unless you have prior experience with it; therefore I trust your judgment and will try to procure some.
[Umbridge has taken to attending Divination and Care of Magical Creatures lessons regularly]
Harry: And neither Trelawney nor Hagrid is taking it well. I think Trelawney’s developed a drinking problem.
Trelawney: I heard that!
Hagrid: By the way, you probably shouldn’t visit me after dark anymore. I wouldn’t want Umbridge to catch you making trouble.
Harry: I’m sure Umbridge is doing all this to torment me! She’s being evil just to deprive me of everything I love about Hogwarts! [Cry]
[On a more positive note, Neville is vastly improving in the DA]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re mastering these techniques faster than anyone except Hermione.
Neville: Well maybe if I perform as well as her you’ll finally respect me and call me by my proper name!
Harry: I thought Navel was your proper name.
Neville: [Facepalm]
Harry: And yet, despite everything, my scar is hurting worse than ever before.
Hermione: Well…maybe it’s like an illness that has to get worse before it gets better?
Ron: I say that it’s all Snape’s fault, and he’s trying to make Harry more susceptible.
Hermione: Oh, please—Snape’s on our side.
Ron: What proof of this do you have? The man used to be a Death Eater!
Hermione: Well…Dumbledore trusts him.
Ron: Sure he does….
[In time, the next Hogsmeade trip arrives and with it Harry’s date with Cho]
Hermione: By the way, Harry, I’ve got an important meeting in Hogsmeade and I’d like you to come.
Harry: Do I have to?! I have a date with Cho!
Hermione: Cho is a side character and an inferior Ravenclaw; therefore I take precedence over her. You will come.
Harry: If you say so, you slave-driver! But I won’t forget this!
Ron: And I can’t come at all because I have quidditch practice! And our team totally sucks!
Harry: How dare you complain about quidditch! Do you have any idea how desperately I want to be in your shoes right now?!
Ron: Oh, you…!
[Harry meets up with Cho on the way out]
Harry: Cho, you look really pretty!
Cho: Of course I do. It’s not like you would have noticed me if I wasn’t.
Harry: …Well…shall we go, then?
Cho: Lead the way!
[As they go to line up with the other students, they pass the quidditch pitch.]
Cho: You really miss playing, don’t you?
Harry: Do I ever! How come my loser friend Ron gets to play and I don’t?!
Cho: By the way, whatever happened to that insane captain of yours?
Harry: Oh, him? He got recruited by a national team.
Cho: Why am I not surprised?
[They also pass by Pansy Parkinson and some of her friends]
Pansy: Cho, why are you dating an annoying emo baby like Harry over there?!
Cho: Silence! If you keep talking that way you won’t get any screen time!
[They get to Hogsmeade…]
Cho: So, do you have any great master plan for this, seeing as you’re the main character and all?
Harry: Me?! You’re the one who’s supposed to know about dating!
Cho: Okay, then…. Let’s go look at some shops.
[They pass by a newsstand that contains the Death Eater story]
Cho: By the way, don’t you think it’s suspicious that when Black escaped there were Dementors all over the place but now these Death Eaters have escaped and there aren’t any?
Harry: It’s all because they were meanies who wanted to pick on my poor dogfather Sirius Black!
Cho: What was that?
Harry: Oh…nothing….
Cho: Alright, here’s an idea—let’s go to a coffee shop!
Harry: That works for me!
[They go to a coffee shop named Madame Puddifoot’s…]
Harry: Aaaagh! This place looks like Umbridge’s office! Cho, why in the hell did you bring me to this hellhole?!
Cho: What? It’s cute.
Harry: Cute?! This place looks like Umbridge’s office—therefore it must be a place of pure evil!
Cho: Don’t be ridiculous—it’s just a coincidence.
Harry: There are no coincidences where I’m concerned—there is only inevitability!
Cho: Oh, I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’ve had something to drink.
[They sit down and order coffee…]
Harry: Hey, Cho—this place is full of couples and they’re, like, kissing. Isn’t that weird?
Cho: Not especially. They are couples—why shouldn’t they kiss?
Harry: Do you want me to kiss you?
Cho: I don’t really know. Do you want to?
Harry: Dammit, why are girls so hard to figure out?!
Cho: I’m right here!
Harry: Oh…sorry.
Cho: So, shall we, you know, have a conversation or something?
Harry: Oh, sure. But…ah…what should we talk about?
Cho: I don’t know. What do we have in common?
Harry: Ah…we both hate Umbridge?
Cho: Yes, that’s a good one. She’s a creep.
Harry: And a psychopath.
Cho: Yes, that too.
[Pause]
Harry: …Okay, that was fun. Now what else can we talk about?
Cho: Oh, I don’t know.
Harry: Listen, I have to go visit Hermione after this. Would you like to come along?
Cho: Hermione?! You’re going on a date with Hermione too?!
Harry: No, no, it’s not like that!
Cho: I knew it—I’m not good enough for you! The only reason why you agreed to go out with a side character like me was so you could look noble! [Cries]
Harry: No, no! That’s not it at all!
Cho: If only Cedric were alive—I might still have a boyfriend!
Harry: You’re not talking about that sparkly loser again, are you?!
Cho: He was never sparkly when I knew him! [Weeps buckets]
Harry: Can we change the subject? Pretty please?
Cho: Aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about how nobody understands your pain? Aren’t you happy you now know someone else who does?
Harry: What are you talking about?! As if a mere side character like you could ever understand my pain and what I suffer!
Cho: Oh, never mind! You go on your date with Hermione! See if I care! I’ll just go out and get my own series! [Cries and walks out]
Harry: She hasn’t even paid…. [Leaves money on the table and walks out after Cho]
[Harry goes to the Three Broomsticks…]
Hagrid: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s you.
Hagrid: By the way, have I ever told you how much I relate to you, what with my being abandoned by my family? But at least your parents were decent and would have raised you properly had they survived.
Harry: What? Where did this come from?
Hagrid: Oh, sorry. I’m just thinking out loud. This will in no way become a plot point. Nope. [Leaves]
[In a little time, Hermione arrives with Luna and Rita Skeeter]
Hermione: Wow, you got here early.
Rita Skeeter: I heard you were seeing a girl. How does that make you feel?
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Hermione: Let’s just stay on topic. Rita Skeeter, I want you to report the truth about what happened in the graveyard and the Death Eaters straight from Harry’s mouth.
Rita Skeeter: Can I at least say how delusional he is?
Hermione and Harry: No!
Rita Skeeter: You people are no fun! It’s not like anyone will read a story telling them that You-Know-Who is back when they’re already scared enough about the Death Eaters. The Daily Prophet won’t publish it, I say!
Luna: The Daily Prophet might not publish it but my father’s magazine will!
Rita Skeeter: And why should I support a hole-in-the-wall industry like that? Especially since most people don’t take The Quibbler seriously to begin with?
Luna: Well—
Hermione: Maybe not everyone will take it seriously but I’m sure at least some people want to know the truth.
Luna: I could have told her that. [Grumbles]
Rita Skeeter: Good, good. What sort of compensation will I get?
Luna: We don’t pay people to publish our stories.
Hermione: You’ll do it for free or I’ll tell everyone that you’re an unregistered Animagus and have you sent to Azkaban to be tortured to death!
Rita Skeeter: Aaagh—what have I done to deserve this?!
Hermione: You crossed Harry and me, and that is an unpardonable offense.
Rita Skeeter: Alright, I get the idea.
Harry: Great—when do we start?
Hermione: Right now. Right, Rita?
Rita Skeeter: I’m ready when you are.
Harry: Finally I have people who care about the way things REALLY happened! [Sobs tears of joy]
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no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 07:29 pm (UTC)It would be funny if it wasn't so true. And if it wasn't so tragic.
Harry the hero spent so much time without a single original though in his head.
Seriously, if he didn't have Hermione to coach him or somebody else to flat out tell him what to do, he's have to get one of those brains from department of mysteries attached to his head.
Cho: Silence! If you keep talking that way you won’t get any screen time!
Cho's wrong here. If Pansy failed to needle the Trio, then she'd get no screen time. "Good Slytherin" (even if they exist) are never shown. If you are a Slytherin the only way to get any attention from Harry is to be antagonistic toward him.
Luna: The Daily Prophet might not publish it but my father’s magazine will!
You know, I always wondered about this. Did Luna's father ever believe that the Voldy is back or was it just that The Quibbler prints any kooky story that's offered to him?
The Quibbler
Date: 2015-01-06 11:15 pm (UTC)And Luna doesn't give any indication of supporting Harry for reasons we muggles would identify as political, but simply because Harry and his allies are nice to her. "It's like having friends." If the DE supporters in Slytherin had had any foresight, they would have befriended Luna early on, and had the Quibbler on their side without need for blackmail. But I suppose one couldn't expect them to realize that silly tabloid would ever be useful.
Re: The Quibbler
Date: 2015-01-08 10:18 am (UTC)