Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 29
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deathtocapslock[The next day…]
Hermione: So, Harry, what have you done to get kicked out of Occlumency lessons?
Harry: Oh, I violated Snape’s most private and secret memories by sticking my head into his pensieve without his permission.
Hermione: Harry, that’s terrible!
Harry: Tell me about it. I’m being forced to sympathize with Snape for once!
Hermione: Now you’ll never learn to control your bad dreams!
Harry: Oh…you’re not mortally offended by my abuse of a professor’s trust?
Hermione: Didn’t you say you sympathized with Snape now?
Harry: Yes! I mean, not really, since he is a slimy Slytherin and all--
Hermione: Yes but those dreams, Harry.
Harry: You worry too much. The only reason why I have these dreams is because I’m special and the main character and have been chosen to get crucial information ahead of anyone else.
Hermione: Whatever.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, are you still making our exam study schedules?
Hermione: Oh, yes. Here’s yours. You get exactly one evening off a week for quidditch practice. Beyond that you’ll practically live with your nose in a book.
Ron: Why must my life suck so much?!
Hermione: By the way, Harry, have you been fighting with Cho?
Harry: Oh, yeah. She actually made excuses for the traitor Marietta! Can you believe her?! That makes her just as bad as she was!
Ron: I agree wholeheartedly. Anyone who would get in the way of our—I mean your—perfection deserves whatever pain we can dish out!
Harry: [to self] Oh, joy. Now he and I can pick on our enemies to take my mind off of how much I’m suffering at the realization that my father and Sirius and Lupin might not have been such great men after all. Whyyyy must it be this way?! I had always assumed my parents were no worse than Fred and George, and they’d never do anything like what my father did to Snape! Well…maybe if it were Draco. You know, or someone else who deserved it. For, like, being a slimy Slytherin or not putting me above all things. Yeah. But that’s totally different! Hell, if my mother was so nice why the hell did she end up with my father?! Did they have a make-do-and-mend wedding or something!?
Ron: Harry, we can hear you.
Harry: What?! AAAAAAARGH I THINK I’M GOING MAD!
Ron: I suspected as much for a long time.
Harry and Hermione: You’re not helping!
Ron: Sorry….
[At one point during Easter break, Harry runs into Ginny in the library]
Ginny: Harry, Harry! My mother sent us some Easter chocolates! Would you like one?!
Harry: You and I are destined to be husband and wife; therefore I accept this gift.
Ginny: Oh, really? And how did you know I haven’t poisoned it to get out of having to marry you?
Harry: Well it’s the author who’s willing us together—you have to play along too.
Ginny: True, true. Besides, it’s really Mother’s gift to you.
[Harry takes the chocolate…]
Ginny: So, have you, ah, patched things up with Cho, or anything?
Harry: No, I won’t be having anything else to do with her from now on.
Ginny: Must it be like this? Must I break up with Dean Thomas to hook up with you?
Harry: You’re dating Dean Thomas?
Ginny: Sssh—don’t tell anyone else in the cast, I want it to be a surprise!
Harry: Then let’s change the subject. Ginny, I so wish I could talk to Sirius. If only there were some way I could bypass Umbridge’s security system and communicate with my beloved dogfather!
Ginny: Be careful! You don’t want the other library patrons to hear you!
Harry: Oh, yeah.
Ginny: Anyway, there might well be a way.
Harry: Oh, really?! Like what?!
Madame Pince: Hey! What are you two young whippersnappers doing eating chocolates in my library?! Out! Out, I say!
Ginny: Oh, well. Let’s get out of here.
[They leave]
[A little later, word gets around that the teachers will be discussing careers with the students, and they receive leaflets on various job opportunities]
Ron: Wow, becoming a healer would be so haaaaard! You need, like, good grades in pretty much every subject under the sun! I can’t imagine why?!
Hermione: Meanwhile, if you want to work in Muggle Relations all they ask for is a single OWL in Muggle Studies. So…you don’t actually have to understand muggle culture to work with muggles, then? That explains so much.
Harry: This looks interesting. Apparently the bank hires tomb-robbers who can break curses on ancient gold.
Ron: Oh, yeah. Like what Bill does!
Fred: Hello!
Hermione: How in hell did you get here?
Fred: It just so happens that we know of a way Harry can talk to Sirius!
Hermione: What?! When did this happen?!
Harry: Thank you Ginny! Ours will be a happy marriage indeed!
Hermione: Seriously, though, how on earth will he ever get past Umbridge’s security barriers?
Fred: It’s simple: we create a diversion and Harry sneaks up to Umbridge’s office to talk to Sirius via her own fireplace!
Harry: He’s right—Umbridge’s fireplace is the only one that isn’t being monitored!
Hermione: This is a horrible idea. She will find out. You will die.
Harry: But…I can even use Sirius’s knife to get inside!
Hermione: Ron, don’t you have anything to say about this?!
Ron: What on earth is there for me to say? If he won’t listen to you there’s no way in the seven hells he’ll listen to me.
Fred: So we’ll create a diversion tomorrow, and then you’ll have twenty minutes, Harry.
Hermione: What is this, a spy movie?!
Harry: Hermione, stop worrying so much. I’m the main character so this will all work out!
Hermione: Have you forgotten that what most commonly happens when you get mixed up in something is that you end up suffering beautifully and extensively for it?
Harry: …Well…maybe…but…that was in the past! This time will be different, I just know it will!
[The next morning…]
Harry: Wow, it sure is a beautiful day out. Yet here I am scared out of my wits about what I will have to do today. How come the weather never matches my mood?! Bad weather!
[He sees Hagrid limping back to his hut outside]
Harry: What on earth did Hagrid do to get so beat up? Oh, well—a mystery for another day!
[In Professor Binns’s class]
Hermione: Harry, I really don’t think this is a good idea. If you do anything else to get in Umbridge’s bad graces I know she will personally kill you!
Ron: Hermione, can’t you pay attention so you can take notes in our lectures like you usually do?
Hermione: Oh, take the notes yourself for once!
Ron: Hmph!
[They go to Potions…]
Harry: I’d expected Snape to be super angry with me, but all he’s doing is ignoring me! I’m saved!
[Harry mixes up the potion…]
Harry: This will be my best grade yet!
[But the potion falls to the floor]
Draco: Ha ha ha! Harry sucks at Potions!
Snape: Honestly, you’re so incompetent!
Harry: You are so mean! I’ll show you! I’ll just get another sample—
[But when he returns his cauldron is empty]
Hermione: Oh, hello Harry. I hope you don’t mind that I cleaned your potion for you without asking your permission or even checking to see if you were done.
Harry: Some friend you are….
[Later that day, Harry goes to Professor McGonagall’s office for career advice]
McGonagall: So, Harry, what sort of job do you think you want? [to self] I hope for all our sakes it’s something that involves a very low level of skill.
Harry: I want to be an auror!
McGonagall: Oh…ah…an auror. Alright, then. You…do realize you’ll need top grades before they’ll even give you a chance, correct?
Harry: Oh, please. I’m the main character. I can always find a way to game the system.
Umbridge: Hello, you two!
McGonagall: Oh, stay out of this! Harry…you do realize that you’ll need to take Potions through NEWT level, and get top grades in that subject?
Umbridge: Exactly my point! That boy will fail as an auror, easily! He simply doesn’t have the temperament to do it!
McGonagall: The temperament?!
Umbridge: And furthermore his grades in my class are not up to par!
McGonagall: But his grades have been good when he was being taught by a man with Voldemort in the back of his head, a werewolf who sometimes failed to take his potion, and a Death Eater in disguise! Clearly he’s a good student and he’s only failing because you’re a bad teacher!
Umbridge: Me, a bad teacher?! How dare you?!
McGonagall: Anyway, Harry, the Ministry will expect you to take several years of further study even after you leave school before they’ll even interview you—
Umbridge: Which they won’t because you’re insane, and furthermore, it’s obvious that the only reason why you’re applying is that your parents were killed by Death Eaters, which clearly shows that you will be in no shape to--!
McGonagall: You know, Umbridge, you’ve convinced me.
Umbridge: Of what?!
McGonagall: I shall train Harry Potter into an auror, personally if need be, just to spite you, because I hate you so much!*
Umbridge: That is never going to work. The Minister of Magic will never stand for it.
McGonagall: The Minister of Magic is failing in his duties anyway and won’t be around much longer.
Umbridge: Oh! And are you hoping Dumbledore will take his place?
McGonagall: Now you’re jumping to conclusions. Harry, why don’t you get out of here before things get ugly?
Harry: Gladly. [Leaves]
[He goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts…]
Hermione: Harry! Have you read the chapter on non-retaliation and negotiation?
Harry: There has to be an entire chapter on that?
Hermione: Harry, Umbridge is in a really bad mood. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you get in any more trouble with her she will kill you, slowly and painfully.
Harry: I do not fear death, for I believe that there never is an end.
Hermione: That’s not the issue!
Harry: Whatever.
[Class comes and goes]
Umbridge: I sense trouble brewing. Time to investigate!
Harry: I’m off to hold my illegal meeting with Sirius now. Don’t bother trying to stop me.
Hermione: Don’t blame me when the Dursleys receive your severed head in the mail!
[Harry goes to Umbridge’s office, and Floos his head to Sirius’s home]
Lupin: Oh, hello Harry!
Harry: Hello, Lupin! Is Sirius there?
Lupin: Yes he is. Give me a minute.
[Lupin fetches Sirius…]
Sirius: Harry! How are things?!
Harry: Well, I just learned that you and my father used to bully Snape on dubious pretexts, but other than that, everything’s fine! So…ah…yeah, explain the bullying on dubious pretexts.
Sirius: Well…ah…that was just, y’know, him being a teenager.
Harry: But I’m a teenager and even I’m disgusted by his behavior!
Sirius: Oh. Was it…really that bad?
Harry: He dangled him upside-down! For a moment his underwear was visible! And this all happened just because you, Sirius, were bored!
Sirius: Oh…oh, yeah. Well…I’m not proud of it.
Lupin: So, anyway, did you see him playing with the Snitch at all?
Harry: Well…I did, but…look, I just saw my father bullying another student!
Sirius: It’s true—we were bullies once. I have many regrets about this. Lupin was alright, though.
Lupin: No, even I had a part to play because I never tried to stop my friends.
Harry: You were behaving so badly my mother was disgusted with you all! How on earth did she even get married to my father?! Am I a bastard conceived out of wedlock whose imminent arrival forced my parents into marriage?
Sirius: Out of wedlock? Harry, your parents were in the truest of true loves.
Harry: But she looked like she hated him in the memory I saw!
Lupin: Yes, but…then he stopped hexing people and she found him acceptable to date. Honest!
Harry: Did he continue to bully Snape?
Lupin: Well…yes…but…Snape gave as good as he got!
Harry: And was my mother okay with this?
Sirius: Well…she didn’t really know much about it….
Harry: So you admit this was a thing that kept happening?
Sirius: Yes, but…your father was still the best friend I ever had! He grew out of being a bullying jerk! I swear on my life he did!
Harry: On your life, huh?
Sirius: Yes, on my life!
Lupin: Anyway, just how did Snape react when you saw this memory?
Harry: Well he kicked me out of Occlumency lessons.
Sirius: Oh, no! This is no good!
Harry: Sirius! Not you too!
Lupin: He’s right, though. You have to go back to Snape and apologize. It’s absolutely vital that you learn Occlumency.
Harry: But Snape said he didn’t want to take me back!
Lupin: At least try.
Harry: Well…I will…but I really don’t think this will work.
[Harry hears footsteps]
Harry: Whose end is that from?
Sirius and Lupin: Yours.
Harry: Aaaagh!
[Harry pulls himself out of the fireplace…]
Filch: [from outside door] I thought I heard some noise up here!
Harry: Oh, no! Not Mr. Norris! [Throws on invisibility cloak just as Filch enters]
Filch: [Rifling through papers] Tra la laaaaa, Umbridge will let me whip students now! Things are good and I am happy! Evil is the life for meeeeeee!
[Filch leaves]
Harry: Close call! [He exits the room, still wearing the invisibility cloak]
[He goes down toward the entrance hall to find a giant swamp erected there]
Harry: Wow, Fred and George are such geniuses!
Umbridge: Aha! At last I have cornered you troublemakers! Prepare to meet your doom!
Filch: Umbridge, will you let me whip them now?
Umbridge: Quiet, Filch—my tortures are so much better than yours!
Filch: Y-you got my name right! [Fanboy sigh]
Fred: Whatever, losers. We’ve had it with this school anyway.
George: So we’re going to leave.
[They summon their brooms]
Fred: By the way, come to our new shop in Diagon Alley to buy your own swamp! I can think of no way announcing that we’ve got a shop in front of our sworn enemies could backfire!
Fred and George: FUCK YOU UMBRIIIIIIIIIDGE!
[Fred and George ride off into the night]
Umbridge: Oh, those two…!
*A/N: You know, when you read this without the Harry filter to tell you that Harry would make a good auror, it really does seem like that's what's happening.
Hermione: So, Harry, what have you done to get kicked out of Occlumency lessons?
Harry: Oh, I violated Snape’s most private and secret memories by sticking my head into his pensieve without his permission.
Hermione: Harry, that’s terrible!
Harry: Tell me about it. I’m being forced to sympathize with Snape for once!
Hermione: Now you’ll never learn to control your bad dreams!
Harry: Oh…you’re not mortally offended by my abuse of a professor’s trust?
Hermione: Didn’t you say you sympathized with Snape now?
Harry: Yes! I mean, not really, since he is a slimy Slytherin and all--
Hermione: Yes but those dreams, Harry.
Harry: You worry too much. The only reason why I have these dreams is because I’m special and the main character and have been chosen to get crucial information ahead of anyone else.
Hermione: Whatever.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, are you still making our exam study schedules?
Hermione: Oh, yes. Here’s yours. You get exactly one evening off a week for quidditch practice. Beyond that you’ll practically live with your nose in a book.
Ron: Why must my life suck so much?!
Hermione: By the way, Harry, have you been fighting with Cho?
Harry: Oh, yeah. She actually made excuses for the traitor Marietta! Can you believe her?! That makes her just as bad as she was!
Ron: I agree wholeheartedly. Anyone who would get in the way of our—I mean your—perfection deserves whatever pain we can dish out!
Harry: [to self] Oh, joy. Now he and I can pick on our enemies to take my mind off of how much I’m suffering at the realization that my father and Sirius and Lupin might not have been such great men after all. Whyyyy must it be this way?! I had always assumed my parents were no worse than Fred and George, and they’d never do anything like what my father did to Snape! Well…maybe if it were Draco. You know, or someone else who deserved it. For, like, being a slimy Slytherin or not putting me above all things. Yeah. But that’s totally different! Hell, if my mother was so nice why the hell did she end up with my father?! Did they have a make-do-and-mend wedding or something!?
Ron: Harry, we can hear you.
Harry: What?! AAAAAAARGH I THINK I’M GOING MAD!
Ron: I suspected as much for a long time.
Harry and Hermione: You’re not helping!
Ron: Sorry….
[At one point during Easter break, Harry runs into Ginny in the library]
Ginny: Harry, Harry! My mother sent us some Easter chocolates! Would you like one?!
Harry: You and I are destined to be husband and wife; therefore I accept this gift.
Ginny: Oh, really? And how did you know I haven’t poisoned it to get out of having to marry you?
Harry: Well it’s the author who’s willing us together—you have to play along too.
Ginny: True, true. Besides, it’s really Mother’s gift to you.
[Harry takes the chocolate…]
Ginny: So, have you, ah, patched things up with Cho, or anything?
Harry: No, I won’t be having anything else to do with her from now on.
Ginny: Must it be like this? Must I break up with Dean Thomas to hook up with you?
Harry: You’re dating Dean Thomas?
Ginny: Sssh—don’t tell anyone else in the cast, I want it to be a surprise!
Harry: Then let’s change the subject. Ginny, I so wish I could talk to Sirius. If only there were some way I could bypass Umbridge’s security system and communicate with my beloved dogfather!
Ginny: Be careful! You don’t want the other library patrons to hear you!
Harry: Oh, yeah.
Ginny: Anyway, there might well be a way.
Harry: Oh, really?! Like what?!
Madame Pince: Hey! What are you two young whippersnappers doing eating chocolates in my library?! Out! Out, I say!
Ginny: Oh, well. Let’s get out of here.
[They leave]
[A little later, word gets around that the teachers will be discussing careers with the students, and they receive leaflets on various job opportunities]
Ron: Wow, becoming a healer would be so haaaaard! You need, like, good grades in pretty much every subject under the sun! I can’t imagine why?!
Hermione: Meanwhile, if you want to work in Muggle Relations all they ask for is a single OWL in Muggle Studies. So…you don’t actually have to understand muggle culture to work with muggles, then? That explains so much.
Harry: This looks interesting. Apparently the bank hires tomb-robbers who can break curses on ancient gold.
Ron: Oh, yeah. Like what Bill does!
Fred: Hello!
Hermione: How in hell did you get here?
Fred: It just so happens that we know of a way Harry can talk to Sirius!
Hermione: What?! When did this happen?!
Harry: Thank you Ginny! Ours will be a happy marriage indeed!
Hermione: Seriously, though, how on earth will he ever get past Umbridge’s security barriers?
Fred: It’s simple: we create a diversion and Harry sneaks up to Umbridge’s office to talk to Sirius via her own fireplace!
Harry: He’s right—Umbridge’s fireplace is the only one that isn’t being monitored!
Hermione: This is a horrible idea. She will find out. You will die.
Harry: But…I can even use Sirius’s knife to get inside!
Hermione: Ron, don’t you have anything to say about this?!
Ron: What on earth is there for me to say? If he won’t listen to you there’s no way in the seven hells he’ll listen to me.
Fred: So we’ll create a diversion tomorrow, and then you’ll have twenty minutes, Harry.
Hermione: What is this, a spy movie?!
Harry: Hermione, stop worrying so much. I’m the main character so this will all work out!
Hermione: Have you forgotten that what most commonly happens when you get mixed up in something is that you end up suffering beautifully and extensively for it?
Harry: …Well…maybe…but…that was in the past! This time will be different, I just know it will!
[The next morning…]
Harry: Wow, it sure is a beautiful day out. Yet here I am scared out of my wits about what I will have to do today. How come the weather never matches my mood?! Bad weather!
[He sees Hagrid limping back to his hut outside]
Harry: What on earth did Hagrid do to get so beat up? Oh, well—a mystery for another day!
[In Professor Binns’s class]
Hermione: Harry, I really don’t think this is a good idea. If you do anything else to get in Umbridge’s bad graces I know she will personally kill you!
Ron: Hermione, can’t you pay attention so you can take notes in our lectures like you usually do?
Hermione: Oh, take the notes yourself for once!
Ron: Hmph!
[They go to Potions…]
Harry: I’d expected Snape to be super angry with me, but all he’s doing is ignoring me! I’m saved!
[Harry mixes up the potion…]
Harry: This will be my best grade yet!
[But the potion falls to the floor]
Draco: Ha ha ha! Harry sucks at Potions!
Snape: Honestly, you’re so incompetent!
Harry: You are so mean! I’ll show you! I’ll just get another sample—
[But when he returns his cauldron is empty]
Hermione: Oh, hello Harry. I hope you don’t mind that I cleaned your potion for you without asking your permission or even checking to see if you were done.
Harry: Some friend you are….
[Later that day, Harry goes to Professor McGonagall’s office for career advice]
McGonagall: So, Harry, what sort of job do you think you want? [to self] I hope for all our sakes it’s something that involves a very low level of skill.
Harry: I want to be an auror!
McGonagall: Oh…ah…an auror. Alright, then. You…do realize you’ll need top grades before they’ll even give you a chance, correct?
Harry: Oh, please. I’m the main character. I can always find a way to game the system.
Umbridge: Hello, you two!
McGonagall: Oh, stay out of this! Harry…you do realize that you’ll need to take Potions through NEWT level, and get top grades in that subject?
Umbridge: Exactly my point! That boy will fail as an auror, easily! He simply doesn’t have the temperament to do it!
McGonagall: The temperament?!
Umbridge: And furthermore his grades in my class are not up to par!
McGonagall: But his grades have been good when he was being taught by a man with Voldemort in the back of his head, a werewolf who sometimes failed to take his potion, and a Death Eater in disguise! Clearly he’s a good student and he’s only failing because you’re a bad teacher!
Umbridge: Me, a bad teacher?! How dare you?!
McGonagall: Anyway, Harry, the Ministry will expect you to take several years of further study even after you leave school before they’ll even interview you—
Umbridge: Which they won’t because you’re insane, and furthermore, it’s obvious that the only reason why you’re applying is that your parents were killed by Death Eaters, which clearly shows that you will be in no shape to--!
McGonagall: You know, Umbridge, you’ve convinced me.
Umbridge: Of what?!
McGonagall: I shall train Harry Potter into an auror, personally if need be, just to spite you, because I hate you so much!*
Umbridge: That is never going to work. The Minister of Magic will never stand for it.
McGonagall: The Minister of Magic is failing in his duties anyway and won’t be around much longer.
Umbridge: Oh! And are you hoping Dumbledore will take his place?
McGonagall: Now you’re jumping to conclusions. Harry, why don’t you get out of here before things get ugly?
Harry: Gladly. [Leaves]
[He goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts…]
Hermione: Harry! Have you read the chapter on non-retaliation and negotiation?
Harry: There has to be an entire chapter on that?
Hermione: Harry, Umbridge is in a really bad mood. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you get in any more trouble with her she will kill you, slowly and painfully.
Harry: I do not fear death, for I believe that there never is an end.
Hermione: That’s not the issue!
Harry: Whatever.
[Class comes and goes]
Umbridge: I sense trouble brewing. Time to investigate!
Harry: I’m off to hold my illegal meeting with Sirius now. Don’t bother trying to stop me.
Hermione: Don’t blame me when the Dursleys receive your severed head in the mail!
[Harry goes to Umbridge’s office, and Floos his head to Sirius’s home]
Lupin: Oh, hello Harry!
Harry: Hello, Lupin! Is Sirius there?
Lupin: Yes he is. Give me a minute.
[Lupin fetches Sirius…]
Sirius: Harry! How are things?!
Harry: Well, I just learned that you and my father used to bully Snape on dubious pretexts, but other than that, everything’s fine! So…ah…yeah, explain the bullying on dubious pretexts.
Sirius: Well…ah…that was just, y’know, him being a teenager.
Harry: But I’m a teenager and even I’m disgusted by his behavior!
Sirius: Oh. Was it…really that bad?
Harry: He dangled him upside-down! For a moment his underwear was visible! And this all happened just because you, Sirius, were bored!
Sirius: Oh…oh, yeah. Well…I’m not proud of it.
Lupin: So, anyway, did you see him playing with the Snitch at all?
Harry: Well…I did, but…look, I just saw my father bullying another student!
Sirius: It’s true—we were bullies once. I have many regrets about this. Lupin was alright, though.
Lupin: No, even I had a part to play because I never tried to stop my friends.
Harry: You were behaving so badly my mother was disgusted with you all! How on earth did she even get married to my father?! Am I a bastard conceived out of wedlock whose imminent arrival forced my parents into marriage?
Sirius: Out of wedlock? Harry, your parents were in the truest of true loves.
Harry: But she looked like she hated him in the memory I saw!
Lupin: Yes, but…then he stopped hexing people and she found him acceptable to date. Honest!
Harry: Did he continue to bully Snape?
Lupin: Well…yes…but…Snape gave as good as he got!
Harry: And was my mother okay with this?
Sirius: Well…she didn’t really know much about it….
Harry: So you admit this was a thing that kept happening?
Sirius: Yes, but…your father was still the best friend I ever had! He grew out of being a bullying jerk! I swear on my life he did!
Harry: On your life, huh?
Sirius: Yes, on my life!
Lupin: Anyway, just how did Snape react when you saw this memory?
Harry: Well he kicked me out of Occlumency lessons.
Sirius: Oh, no! This is no good!
Harry: Sirius! Not you too!
Lupin: He’s right, though. You have to go back to Snape and apologize. It’s absolutely vital that you learn Occlumency.
Harry: But Snape said he didn’t want to take me back!
Lupin: At least try.
Harry: Well…I will…but I really don’t think this will work.
[Harry hears footsteps]
Harry: Whose end is that from?
Sirius and Lupin: Yours.
Harry: Aaaagh!
[Harry pulls himself out of the fireplace…]
Filch: [from outside door] I thought I heard some noise up here!
Harry: Oh, no! Not Mr. Norris! [Throws on invisibility cloak just as Filch enters]
Filch: [Rifling through papers] Tra la laaaaa, Umbridge will let me whip students now! Things are good and I am happy! Evil is the life for meeeeeee!
[Filch leaves]
Harry: Close call! [He exits the room, still wearing the invisibility cloak]
[He goes down toward the entrance hall to find a giant swamp erected there]
Harry: Wow, Fred and George are such geniuses!
Umbridge: Aha! At last I have cornered you troublemakers! Prepare to meet your doom!
Filch: Umbridge, will you let me whip them now?
Umbridge: Quiet, Filch—my tortures are so much better than yours!
Filch: Y-you got my name right! [Fanboy sigh]
Fred: Whatever, losers. We’ve had it with this school anyway.
George: So we’re going to leave.
[They summon their brooms]
Fred: By the way, come to our new shop in Diagon Alley to buy your own swamp! I can think of no way announcing that we’ve got a shop in front of our sworn enemies could backfire!
Fred and George: FUCK YOU UMBRIIIIIIIIIDGE!
[Fred and George ride off into the night]
Umbridge: Oh, those two…!
*A/N: You know, when you read this without the Harry filter to tell you that Harry would make a good auror, it really does seem like that's what's happening.
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