Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 30

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Following the departure of Fred and George, all the other students start thinking up new ways to make Umbridge miserable]

McGonagall: I could put a stop to any of their little pranks easily, of course, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to watch the torment of someone I hated for as long.

Filch: How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?

Umbridge: And now students have turned up to my class sick! For every class! I know they’re doing it on purpose to spite me!

[One day, in Charms…]

Hermione: So, anyway, I heard that that Montague person has still not recovered from being stuffed in the toilet.

Ron: Yeah, so?

Hermione: Well…do you think he’s permanently injured?

Harry: Who cares? He’s a slimy Slytherin, and his pain will bog down Umbridge even more!

Hermione: Honestly, you two are quite hopeless.

Ron: Anyway, I just know that my mother will blame me for Fred and George leaving, and I’ll get in trouble.

Hermione: But there’s no way she can possibly think that’s your fault. Besides, didn’t they say they were planning something?

Ron: Oh, yeah—the joke shop. But…just how did they get the money?

Harry: That’s easy—I’m the one who gave it to them!

Hermione: …Really?

Harry: Yeah. I gave them my winnings from the Triwizard Tournament.

Ron: Oh, good. Now she’ll know to blame you, and not me!

Harry:  You know she’d never punish me even if she did disapprove of something I did.

Ron: Don’t remind me….

[Sometime later…]

Hermione: So, Harry, are you planning to go back and ask Snape to continue Occlumency lessons any time soon?

Harry: H-how did you know I’m still in need of Occlumency?!

Hermione: Well, Ron has been confiding in me about your strange dreams, which you’ve been having every night for the past little while.

Harry: What?! You and Ron have a relationship that doesn’t involve me?! How dare you!

Ron: Well…we are destined to end up married.

Harry: Well…anyway…my dreams are none of your business!

Hermione: Harry, seriously, are you even trying with Occlumency?

Harry: Yes, of course I am.

Hermione: Really?

Ron: I don’t believe you.

Harry: …Alright, I’m not at all trying. But don’t you think these dreams could come in handy?

Hermione and Ron: …No, not really.

Ron: Anyway, let’s talk about how that slimy Slytherin Montague will probably be in no condition to play Quidditch, which means we just might win!

Harry: That’s true! Yay for tormenting slimy Slytherins!

[The last Quidditch match of the season dawns…]

Hermione: Ron, do you think you’ll do better now that your older brothers aren’t around to show you up?

Ron: Well, seeing as I’m so awful now, I’d say the only place to go is up.

Hermione: By the way, Harry, isn’t Cho playing?

Harry: Speak not of that traitor at the breakfast table!

Hermione: Fine, fine.

[The match begins…]

Ravenclaw captain Roger Davies: Take this! First goal of the match! [Throws quaffle through ring]

Ron: Fuck! This doesn’t bode well!

Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Hermione, will you come with me on an illicit adventure while everyone’s distracted by the match?

Harry: Do we have a choice?

Hagrid: No, not really.

Harry: Fine….

[They follow Hagrid into the forest. Along the way, Hagrid grabs a crossbow]

Hermione: Hagrid, why are you taking a crossbow into the woods?

Hagrid: Oh, just in case I need to defend you youngsters from angry centaurs.

Hermione: Hagrid, why ever would the centaurs be angry at us?

Hagrid: Because Firenze betrayed them by coming to work for Dumbledore, that’s why. They would have executed him had I not intervened.

Hermione: So…why are you taking us to meet them, if they’re so angry?

Hagrid: Oh, I’m not taking you to meet them.

Harry: Then what do you want with us?

Hagrid: I’ll tell you at the most appropriately dramatic moment. Now follow me.

[He leads them a ways off the path…]

Hagrid: So, anyway, I was just thinking, that Umbridge woman could sack me at any time, and if that happened, well, I’d need someone who could take my place and do a very important thing for me.

Harry: Oh, no. Is this the thing Firenze warned me about?

Hagrid: It is exactly the thing Firenze warned you about.

Harry: Oh, no—this can’t be good….

[They wander deep into the forest until they come across a giant, who looks to be asleep]

Harry: Who the hell is this guy?!

Hagrid: Oh, he’s just my half-brother, Grawp.

Hermione: What?! Why in the hell did you bring him here?!

Hagrid: Because I wanted to show people that giants aren’t necessarily bad guys.

Hermione: Aren’t necessarily the bad guys?! Is this why you’ve been looking so beat-up?! Because you’re being abused by your half-brother?!

Hagrid: Abused? Don’t be silly—he doesn’t mean any harm!

Hermione: You realize that’s what all abusers say, right?

Hagrid: Well…ah…look, bear with me, alright? I had to bring my brother home because the other giants were bullying him for being smaller than they were. I know he’ll be much happier here once I’ve civilized him!

Hermione: And are you quite sure he was okay with this?

Hagrid: Of course, why wouldn’t he be?

Hermione: Well…regardless, the fact is he’s abusing you!

Hagrid: He’s not abusing me, alright! And he’s perfectly happy here, just you wait and see!

Harry: But you tied him up!

Hagrid: Did I? [Surveys ropes used to hold Grawp down] Oh, so I did.

Harry: This is a mutually-abusive relationship! Even worse!

Hermione: Hagrid, why? What on earth could we possibly do to help him?

Hagrid: Well, you could just spend time with him, and make him feel welcome and valued….

Harry: Alright, now I understand perfectly why Firenze wanted you to stop doing the thing. If this is the thing in question…!

Hagrid: You say that, but you don’t mean it. Come on, help an old friend out!

Harry: Well, I can try, but I can’t make any promises.

Hagrid: So you’ll do it! Excellent! I’ll wake him up to introduce you to him right away! [to Grawp] Graaaawp, I brought company!

Hermione: We’re dead meat.

Grawp: [Wakes up] Oh it’s you, Hagrid. What do you want?

Hagrid: I just thought you’d like to meet some of my friends.

Grawp: I hate your friends! Go away and leave me alone!

Hagrid: No! I will not go away! This is the part where you make a dramatic entrance!

Grawp: Well I suppose I can do a dramatic entrance. [Slowly rises to his feet] Helloooooo, puny humans!

Hagrid: Yes, that’s what I like to see! So, anyway, these are my two friends, Harry and Hermione. They’ll be keeping you company if I ever go away.

Grawp: Are they going to keep me tied up and talk to me in baby talk and visit me only when it’s convenient for them?

Hermione: [Meekly] No, not at all! Don’t be silly!

Grawp: Well I suppose they can only be an improvement then. [Scoops up Hermione]

Hermione: Aaaah! Put me down!

Hagrid: What are you doing?! That’s not what’s supposed to happen in this scene!

Grawp: I like the movie version of this scene better.

Hermione: Please don’t eat me! I taste terrible!

Grawp: That’s alright—if Hagrid is telling you about me you must be a main character. Therefore I will let you live.

Hermione: Wow, you’re the best!

Harry: [Facepalm]…I can’t believe this is happening.

Hagrid: Well, that’s enough fun for one day. Grawp, put Hermione down so we can get out of here.

Grawp: Fine. This pine tree’s more interesting anyway. [Sets Hermione down and starts bending and twisting a pine tree around]

Hagrid: …Let’s go before he starts throwing that thing.

[They leave Grawp to his own devices and wander through the forest, until they come upon some centaurs!]

Magorian: Hagrid! It’s you! You’re not supposed to be here! Get out of here, now!

Hagrid: I’m not supposed to be here?! Is that how you treat an old friend?!

Magorian: You expressly violated our way of life when you saved Firenze from being executed, therefore I am no longer your friend.

Hagrid: Why do you have to be so mean?!

Bane: Look, it’s not our fault Firenze agreed to become Dumbledore’s slave!

Hagrid: His slave?!

Bane: Yes, his slave!

Magorian: That’s enough of that. Hagrid, because you have children with you who are also main characters, I will let you pass this time. Do not show your face in our part of the woods again. And do something about your giant friend—he’s destroying the ecosystem.

Hagrid: I don’t understand big words like “ecosystem.”

Magorian: Whatever! Get out of the woods before my friends attack you!

Hagrid: Alright, alright! You assholes!

[Harry and Hermione lead Hagrid away]

Hermione: So, Hagrid, since the centaurs don’t like us in here this means we won’t be able to visit Grawp after all, right?

Hagrid: You’ll be fine—they said they wouldn’t hurt children. And you’re main characters.

Hermione: [Facepalm]

[They leave Hagrid and return to the quidditch pitch…]

Hermione: What on earth is Hagrid playing at?! Does he not realize that what he’s doing is dangerous and illegal? And abusive? And environmentally-destructive? There is no good that can come of this, I’m sure of it!

Harry: Well, look on the bright side—maybe Umbridge will get her just desserts in enough time for Hagrid to not be sacked?

Hermione: He’d deserve it if she did sack him, after all this!

Harry: [Shocked] Are you…are you siding with Umbridge?!

Hermione: Fair point.

Ron: Harry! Hermione! We won! I got my shit together and stopped the opposite team from scoring goals!

Harry: Hooray!

Hermione: Oh, that’s wonderful news! Now I can focus on something that will make me less angry at stupid Hagrid!

Ron: Why? What’s so stupid about Hagrid?

Hermione: …Oh, never mind. You’re best off not knowing.

Comments

When you put it like that...

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

I just realized it reading this, but this chapter contains a really nasty slap against Ron. All through the book, he’s been subjected to ridicule because he was such a lousy quidditch player. Then, when he finally redeems himself and helps to win the game, his triumph takes place off-camera. Since we don’t witness it, it’s almost like it didn’t really happen. It doesn’t matter anyway, because the really important stuff, the stuff that’ll matter later in the story, and at the climax of the series, is what’s happening to the Hs. It reminds me of the Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown is ecstatic because he’s finally won a trophy. When he receives it, he sees it’s been engraved to “Charlie Braun.”

Filch: How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?

Is this a mistake? Filch seems to be contradicting himself. Was it supposed to read, “How on earth am I supposed to [find the time to] whip and torture [all these] misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?” Either that or, “How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them [mis]behave nowadays?"

Re: When you put it like that...

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Not only does Ron's triumph happen off-stage, it doesn't "stick." I would not expect to see him suddenly become the World's Greatest Keeper (He's not Holy Harry, after all, who is naturally the Seeker Without Peer), but we should have seen a definite improvement in both performance and confidence. This game should have effectively resolved the "Ron is Insecure at Quidditch" storyline. Instead we had a repeat in the next book, just as if this game has never happened. Ron is every bit as insecure on the Quidditch pitch in Book Six as he is in Book Five.

Maybe Filch can't catch any students to whip and torture them because so many of them are misbehaving, and only he and Umbridge care about stopping them. So many brats, so little time!

Re: When you put it like that...

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Not only does Ron's triumph happen off-stage, it doesn't "stick." I would not expect to see him suddenly become the World's Greatest Keeper (He's not Holy Harry, after all, who is naturally the Seeker Without Peer), but we should have seen a definite improvement in both performance and confidence. This game should have effectively resolved the "Ron is Insecure at Quidditch" storyline. Instead we had a repeat in the next book, just as if this game has never happened. Ron is every bit as insecure on the Quidditch pitch in Book Six as he is in Book Five./

And the same thing happens with his relationship with Hermione. After all of that soap opera drama in HBP, one would think that when Ron said Hermione’s name instead of Lavender's, finally that would be the end of it. But no. Ron’s still as insecure as ever in DH that Hermione prefers Harry to him, Hermione still screeches at him and threatens to hex him after he comes back, and the two of them don’t kiss until near the end of the book. It’s as if JKR just keeps hitting the reset button when it comes to Ron.

Hermione & Centaurs

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

A few chapters back (when Hermione referred to Firenze as a horse) we discussed Hermione's knowledge of centaurs and I mentioned that perhaps her 'lack' of centaur knowledge was JKR giving her an 'out' when it comes to leading Umbridge to them for a rape. My problem with Hermione's apparent lack of knowledge was that she knew the centaurs wouldn't hurt 'foals' such as she and Harry. And here we find where she learned this tidbit of info,

So apparently, JKR didn't have Hermione do any actual 'research' on centaurs. Interesting how the centaurs see Firenze as a 'slave' to the humans and it doesn't push any buttons for Hermione like the house elves do...

Dumbledore’s Slave

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Hermione knows that being a slave to Albus Dumbledore is a noble thing. Our brave hero Harry is Dumbledore’s man through and through. That should be good enough for anyone—human, centaur, or potions master.

Re: Dumbledore’s Slave

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

Yes - that's what I find interesting.

Of course, the Hogwarts House Elves are also 'slaves' to Albus or at least Hogwarts - same as Firenze. My bet is it's simply because Firenze is teaching, instead of manual labor.

As a teacher, Hermione probably assumes Firenze is being paid, But what use does Firenze have for cash? He certainly didn't need any in the forest. We have no idea whether Albus is paying him in anything other than room and board. He probably is, but Hermione doesn't KNOW. And if the centaurs say he's a slave, then she ought to at least wonder.

For that matter, house elves get room and board, even if they aren't 'free'

Also interesting to me - the wizarding world deals with several sentient species other than humans, yet Hogwarts doesn't do anything to teach students about them unless they are considered 'dangerous'. Even then, it's only how to protect the human - nothing about understanding.

I'm not sure, the students are even taught that much. Where would it be taught? Care of Magical Creatures? Come to think about it, the Centaurs prefer to be considered 'beasts', They should at least be on the CoMC syllabus. Goblins are apparently only mentioned in History in regards to wars. Giants never come up, nor Mermen.

Re: Dumbledore’s Slave

[oryx_leucoryx]

There is also mention of giant wars.

Re: Hermione & Centaurs

[oryx_leucoryx]

Hermione still sees most teachers as people in position of authority, so she can't perceive them being slaves.

Warning?

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

By the way, what abuse were you warning us about? Grawp being tied down? Are readers really so incredibly sensitive they have to be 'warned' about that, lest they go into seizures of sympathy?

Re: When you put it like that...

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

I think she has to. If Ron were to mature at all realistically, he'd develop some independence and self-respect, and cut the Hs loose. They both treat him like a fifth wheel, so much so that I'm not surprised people thought Harry and Hermione were meant for each other. I think, like all authors who write the same characters for years, Rowling found her creations growing in ways and directions she never anticipated. But she had this plan for how everything was going to turn out, and for whatever reason, she refused to deviate from it. The only way to make it work was to treat her characters like Cinderella's step-sisters, cutting off chunks of their personalities when needed to make them fit into her glass slipper prearranged plans. As I've commented in my own sporking, you can see her doing it with Snape, and Harry's moments of refusing to become his own man, instead of Dumbledore's lackey, are quite blatant (when he buried Dobby and tuned out Aberforth). Hermione does it all along, every time she willfully turns her back on the non-magical world--including her own parents!, which, for its many faults, at least has civil rights and modern technology, unlike the medieval magical world. It would make an interesting article, or series of articles, to examine how the series would have turned out if Rowling had allowed her characters to grow naturally and become realistic people, instead of preprogrammed toys she moved around on a one-way game board.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

McGonagall: I could put a stop to any of their little pranks easily, of course, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to watch the torment of someone I hated for as long.

What about the 7th years who need to do well on their Owls to get a job?

I pity the poor students who actually take their studies seriously. It would be rather like going to school in a war zone.