Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 31
Feb. 19th, 2015 11:18 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslock[Ron is still ecstatic about his victory days later]
Ron: Harry, you don’t seem to be as happy about my victory as I thought you would.
Harry: Oh, you just remind me of my horrible bullying little shit of a father, is all.
Ron: What?
Harry: Nothing….
Ron: By the way, Cho Chang cried and threw a tantrum when Ginny caught the Snitch. Because she’s so delicate and feminine like that, right?
Harry: Oh, yeah. That’s hilarious.
Ron: …Anyway, where did you sneak off to? You didn’t even watch my glorious victory, did you?!
Harry: Well…no….
Ron: Why would you abandon me like that?!
Harry: Because Hagrid press-ganged us into visiting his giant half-brother, alright!
Ron: He’s got a giant half-brother? And he brought him back here to torment us?!
Hermione: As a matter of fact, yes. And said half-brother has been abusing Hagrid. Who abuses him right back!
Ron: What the hell?! The man’s insane!
Hermione: I could have said the same thing. It’s just…
Ron: It’s just what?!
Hermione: I just can’t see this being anything other than a plot point.
Ron: That’s your only concern?! Hagrid routinely brings monsters around and we always end up having to take care of them!
Hermione: Yes, but be that as it may, they usually are plot devices.
Ron: Fair point.
[OWL season arrives]
Harry: We have so much work! It’s just as well that I don’t have to take Occlumency lessons anymore!
Hermione: By the way, be on the lookout for people trying to sell you things to make you better test-takers! Those things are always fake! This has been a public-service announcement from Hermione Granger, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
[Eventually, the examiners arrive]
Hermione: It looks like they’re talking to Umbridge! Let’s spy on them!
Harry: Good idea!
Umbridge: Welcome to my school! It is my school, you know. Never doubt that I’m the one who’s in charge.
Professor Marchbanks: By the way, where is Dumbledore?
Umbridge: Who cares about where that senile old man has gotten to?! Can we get back to talking about me?!
Professor Marchbanks: Well, I don’t suppose he’s been caught?
Umbridge: Well, no, but…! I’m fabulous, alright?! Why aren’t you praising me for my awesome evilness?!
Professor Marchbanks: I remember the days when Dumbledore was my student, and all the creative things he would do with his wand…if you know what I mean.
Umbridge: …I’d rather you not elaborate, thanks.
Hermione: Well that was boring.
Harry: Whyyyyyy hasn’t my angel Dumbledore resurfaced yet?!
[They have exams, and they’re largely uneventful, until…]
Professor Tofty: Harry, Harry. You can perform a corporeal patronus, correct?
Harry: Well, yes….
Professor Tofty: Care to demonstrate?
Harry: Eew! You pervert!
Professor Tofty: It was just a suggestion.
Harry: Well, to prove my awesome manhood, I suppose I can oblige. Why don’t I visualize…Umbridge being violated by centaurs? …Works for me. Expecto patronum! [His patronus appears] Ooh, that was goooooood!
Professor Tofty: Amazing! You can share my bed anytime!
Harry: …Thanks….
Umbridge: And this is why I don’t allow wandplay in my class!
[Later that day…]
Hermione: So in Hagrid news, someone’s let a Niffler into Umbridge’s office, where it’s been making a mess of things and trying to chew her to bits.
Harry: That’s hilarious!
Ron: But what’s it got to do with Hagrid?
Hermione: Well…don’t you think she’ll blame Hagrid? And get him in trouble?
Harry: But Hagrid’s busy teaching. She can’t actually think he’s done it.
Hermione: Yes, but this is Umbridge we’re talking about. She’ll look for any excuse to pick on our friends because she’s so evil and hates us so much.
[The rest of their exams are uneventful…]
Harry: So, did you fail Divination like I did?
Ron: Absolutely. I described an ugly man in the crystal ball—which turned out to be the reflection of my examiner!
Harry: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid!
Ron: Yeah, yeah.
Harry: You’re so pathetic you make me look clever, and I’ve got Golden Snitches for brains!
Ron: Of course, Harry dear—whatever you say.
Harry: I’m so glad you always hang out with me, so you can make my utter failure of myself look good by comparison!
Ron: That’s what friends are for, and all that.
Harry: Do you hope that someday my barest minimum of skill and worthiness will rub off on your utter worthlessness?
Ron: Oh will you stop belittling me?!
Harry: …Wait, you haven’t said anything to contradict my self-deprecating remarks!
Ron: AAAAAAAAARGH!
[At the Arithmancy exam…]
Harry: Is…is that Umbridge walking in the courtyard below?
[Sure enough, Umbridge and a group of others are advancing on Hagrid’s hut!]
Harry: What on earth--?
Hagrid: You’ll never take me alive! You know I may be a Hogwarts…groundkeeper, and professor…but I am also--!
Umbridge: [to Hagrid] Oh, quiet, you moron! [to crowd] Stun the useless waste of space so we can go home and have tea!
McGonagall: Oh, no you’re not! You will never hurt my friend!
Umbridge: I can’t be bothered with this nonsense anymore. Stun her too!
[The crowd does likewise]
Hagrid: How dare you attack my protector! Just for that, see how you like this! [He attacks some people, which is enough to frighten them off]
Umbridge: Oh, come on—he’s just a stupid half-giant!
[After the exam…]
Ron: Hermione, how come they couldn’t take Hagrid in?
Hermione: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid. As it turns out, the fact that he’s half-giant gives him certain protections against magic. I’m more worried about Professor McGonagall, seeing as she’s getting on in years.
Angelina: I just don’t understand why Umbridge would expel Hagrid. I mean, it’s true he’s a completely incompetent teacher, but that’s just what makes learning from him exciting and thus fun!
Hermione: It must be because he’s half-giant! You know, Umbridge, evil racist that she is, hates part-humans!
Lee Jordan: Yeah! That must be it! There’s no way those Nifflers I’ve been surreptitiously sneaking into Umbridge’s office had anything to do with it at all!*
[They go to bed, but Harry can’t sleep]
Harry: Thoughts of doing terrible things to Umbridge for hurting my friend just keep racing through my head. What I wouldn’t give to impale her on a spike…or drown her in a lake of sulfuric acid…or force-feed her glass coated with lemon juice and salt…or feed her to a cage full of Blast-ended Skrewts…or have her violated by some centaurs….
[And in the last exam…]
Harry: Oh, this exam is so hard. Why do I have to take these stupid exams? What am I, some sort of nerd?
[He falls asleep…]
Harry: Oh, look…it’s that corridor from my dreams again. Shouldn’t I be resisting this dream…? Oh, but that’s hard. I’ll just go where it takes me instead…. Holy shit, I’m Voldemort! AAAAAAH! He’s—I’m—torturing Sirius!
[Harry wakes up]
Examiner: Good heavens, child—what ever is the matter with you?!
Harry: I’ve…I’ve been playing with madness again…!
*A/N: This could have been a fairly nice segue into the consequences that result when people try to flout tyrannical leaders too openly and recklessly. Sigh for the road not taken.
Ron: Harry, you don’t seem to be as happy about my victory as I thought you would.
Harry: Oh, you just remind me of my horrible bullying little shit of a father, is all.
Ron: What?
Harry: Nothing….
Ron: By the way, Cho Chang cried and threw a tantrum when Ginny caught the Snitch. Because she’s so delicate and feminine like that, right?
Harry: Oh, yeah. That’s hilarious.
Ron: …Anyway, where did you sneak off to? You didn’t even watch my glorious victory, did you?!
Harry: Well…no….
Ron: Why would you abandon me like that?!
Harry: Because Hagrid press-ganged us into visiting his giant half-brother, alright!
Ron: He’s got a giant half-brother? And he brought him back here to torment us?!
Hermione: As a matter of fact, yes. And said half-brother has been abusing Hagrid. Who abuses him right back!
Ron: What the hell?! The man’s insane!
Hermione: I could have said the same thing. It’s just…
Ron: It’s just what?!
Hermione: I just can’t see this being anything other than a plot point.
Ron: That’s your only concern?! Hagrid routinely brings monsters around and we always end up having to take care of them!
Hermione: Yes, but be that as it may, they usually are plot devices.
Ron: Fair point.
[OWL season arrives]
Harry: We have so much work! It’s just as well that I don’t have to take Occlumency lessons anymore!
Hermione: By the way, be on the lookout for people trying to sell you things to make you better test-takers! Those things are always fake! This has been a public-service announcement from Hermione Granger, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
[Eventually, the examiners arrive]
Hermione: It looks like they’re talking to Umbridge! Let’s spy on them!
Harry: Good idea!
Umbridge: Welcome to my school! It is my school, you know. Never doubt that I’m the one who’s in charge.
Professor Marchbanks: By the way, where is Dumbledore?
Umbridge: Who cares about where that senile old man has gotten to?! Can we get back to talking about me?!
Professor Marchbanks: Well, I don’t suppose he’s been caught?
Umbridge: Well, no, but…! I’m fabulous, alright?! Why aren’t you praising me for my awesome evilness?!
Professor Marchbanks: I remember the days when Dumbledore was my student, and all the creative things he would do with his wand…if you know what I mean.
Umbridge: …I’d rather you not elaborate, thanks.
Hermione: Well that was boring.
Harry: Whyyyyyy hasn’t my angel Dumbledore resurfaced yet?!
[They have exams, and they’re largely uneventful, until…]
Professor Tofty: Harry, Harry. You can perform a corporeal patronus, correct?
Harry: Well, yes….
Professor Tofty: Care to demonstrate?
Harry: Eew! You pervert!
Professor Tofty: It was just a suggestion.
Harry: Well, to prove my awesome manhood, I suppose I can oblige. Why don’t I visualize…Umbridge being violated by centaurs? …Works for me. Expecto patronum! [His patronus appears] Ooh, that was goooooood!
Professor Tofty: Amazing! You can share my bed anytime!
Harry: …Thanks….
Umbridge: And this is why I don’t allow wandplay in my class!
[Later that day…]
Hermione: So in Hagrid news, someone’s let a Niffler into Umbridge’s office, where it’s been making a mess of things and trying to chew her to bits.
Harry: That’s hilarious!
Ron: But what’s it got to do with Hagrid?
Hermione: Well…don’t you think she’ll blame Hagrid? And get him in trouble?
Harry: But Hagrid’s busy teaching. She can’t actually think he’s done it.
Hermione: Yes, but this is Umbridge we’re talking about. She’ll look for any excuse to pick on our friends because she’s so evil and hates us so much.
[The rest of their exams are uneventful…]
Harry: So, did you fail Divination like I did?
Ron: Absolutely. I described an ugly man in the crystal ball—which turned out to be the reflection of my examiner!
Harry: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid!
Ron: Yeah, yeah.
Harry: You’re so pathetic you make me look clever, and I’ve got Golden Snitches for brains!
Ron: Of course, Harry dear—whatever you say.
Harry: I’m so glad you always hang out with me, so you can make my utter failure of myself look good by comparison!
Ron: That’s what friends are for, and all that.
Harry: Do you hope that someday my barest minimum of skill and worthiness will rub off on your utter worthlessness?
Ron: Oh will you stop belittling me?!
Harry: …Wait, you haven’t said anything to contradict my self-deprecating remarks!
Ron: AAAAAAAAARGH!
[At the Arithmancy exam…]
Harry: Is…is that Umbridge walking in the courtyard below?
[Sure enough, Umbridge and a group of others are advancing on Hagrid’s hut!]
Harry: What on earth--?
Hagrid: You’ll never take me alive! You know I may be a Hogwarts…groundkeeper, and professor…but I am also--!
Umbridge: [to Hagrid] Oh, quiet, you moron! [to crowd] Stun the useless waste of space so we can go home and have tea!
McGonagall: Oh, no you’re not! You will never hurt my friend!
Umbridge: I can’t be bothered with this nonsense anymore. Stun her too!
[The crowd does likewise]
Hagrid: How dare you attack my protector! Just for that, see how you like this! [He attacks some people, which is enough to frighten them off]
Umbridge: Oh, come on—he’s just a stupid half-giant!
[After the exam…]
Ron: Hermione, how come they couldn’t take Hagrid in?
Hermione: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid. As it turns out, the fact that he’s half-giant gives him certain protections against magic. I’m more worried about Professor McGonagall, seeing as she’s getting on in years.
Angelina: I just don’t understand why Umbridge would expel Hagrid. I mean, it’s true he’s a completely incompetent teacher, but that’s just what makes learning from him exciting and thus fun!
Hermione: It must be because he’s half-giant! You know, Umbridge, evil racist that she is, hates part-humans!
Lee Jordan: Yeah! That must be it! There’s no way those Nifflers I’ve been surreptitiously sneaking into Umbridge’s office had anything to do with it at all!*
[They go to bed, but Harry can’t sleep]
Harry: Thoughts of doing terrible things to Umbridge for hurting my friend just keep racing through my head. What I wouldn’t give to impale her on a spike…or drown her in a lake of sulfuric acid…or force-feed her glass coated with lemon juice and salt…or feed her to a cage full of Blast-ended Skrewts…or have her violated by some centaurs….
[And in the last exam…]
Harry: Oh, this exam is so hard. Why do I have to take these stupid exams? What am I, some sort of nerd?
[He falls asleep…]
Harry: Oh, look…it’s that corridor from my dreams again. Shouldn’t I be resisting this dream…? Oh, but that’s hard. I’ll just go where it takes me instead…. Holy shit, I’m Voldemort! AAAAAAH! He’s—I’m—torturing Sirius!
[Harry wakes up]
Examiner: Good heavens, child—what ever is the matter with you?!
Harry: I’ve…I’ve been playing with madness again…!
*A/N: This could have been a fairly nice segue into the consequences that result when people try to flout tyrannical leaders too openly and recklessly. Sigh for the road not taken.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-02-20 11:28 pm (UTC)Yes, in the real world Harry's "in your face" attitude would have much more serious consequences. People get arrested, tortured and killed just for Tweeting the wrong thing these days, let alone for mouthing off at authority.
Throughout the business with Umbridge and the quill, I kept wondering, "Why does Harry insist on antagonizing her? It isn't accomplishing anything." The same for Harry antagonizing Snape and everyone else that he didn't like. It didn't bring about any change; it just made things worse.
And then, alas,
NavelNeville started antagonizing the Carrows, with much the same result. None of these people would have lasted two days in a real-world resistance movement.Harry Potter: The world's worst role-model. :(
no subject
Date: 2015-02-21 11:37 pm (UTC)Not only that, as I can tell you from my real world experience with tyrants at home and work, you don't have to do anything to make them come after you. Tyrants are very insecure; they're always scanning their surroundings, looking for any opposition to their complete control. To incur their wrath, all you have to do is not grovel. That's enough to make them see you as a threat and try to beat you into the ground. If one person gets away with not kissing their feet, other people might get uppity ideas, too. That can't be allowed. So the slightest indication of anything other than complete submission must be ruthlessly crushed.
This series isn't a fantasy because it has unicorns and magic. It's a fantasy because in real life, Harry and his friends would already be dead, their mutilated corpses examples of what happens when you defy Umbridge.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-22 04:22 am (UTC)P.S. Have we ever seen Voldie mutilate anyone? I don’t recall. Avada Kedavra is a clean way to kill.