deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 31

[Ron is still ecstatic about his victory days later]

Ron: Harry, you don’t seem to be as happy about my victory as I thought you would.

Harry: Oh, you just remind me of my horrible bullying little shit of a father, is all.

Ron: What?

Harry: Nothing….

Ron: By the way, Cho Chang cried and threw a tantrum when Ginny caught the Snitch. Because she’s so delicate and feminine like that, right?

Harry: Oh, yeah. That’s hilarious.

Ron: …Anyway, where did you sneak off to? You didn’t even watch my glorious victory, did you?!

Harry: Well…no….

Ron: Why would you abandon me like that?!

Harry: Because Hagrid press-ganged us into visiting his giant half-brother, alright!

Ron: He’s got a giant half-brother? And he brought him back here to torment us?!

Hermione: As a matter of fact, yes. And said half-brother has been abusing Hagrid. Who abuses him right back!

Ron: What the hell?! The man’s insane!

Hermione: I could have said the same thing. It’s just…

Ron: It’s just what?!

Hermione: I just can’t see this being anything other than a plot point.

Ron: That’s your only concern?! Hagrid routinely brings monsters around and we always end up having to take care of them!

Hermione: Yes, but be that as it may, they usually are plot devices.

Ron: Fair point.

[OWL season arrives]

Harry: We have so much work! It’s just as well that I don’t have to take Occlumency lessons anymore!

Hermione: By the way, be on the lookout for people trying to sell you things to make you better test-takers! Those things are always fake! This has been a public-service announcement from Hermione Granger, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

[Eventually, the examiners arrive]

Hermione: It looks like they’re talking to Umbridge! Let’s spy on them!

Harry: Good idea!

Umbridge: Welcome to my school! It is my school, you know. Never doubt that I’m the one who’s in charge.

Professor Marchbanks: By the way, where is Dumbledore?

Umbridge: Who cares about where that senile old man has gotten to?! Can we get back to talking about me?!

Professor Marchbanks: Well, I don’t suppose he’s been caught?

Umbridge: Well, no, but…! I’m fabulous, alright?! Why aren’t you praising me for my awesome evilness?!

Professor Marchbanks: I remember the days when Dumbledore was my student, and all the creative things he would do with his wand…if you know what I mean.

Umbridge: …I’d rather you not elaborate, thanks.

Hermione: Well that was boring.

Harry: Whyyyyyy hasn’t my angel Dumbledore resurfaced yet?!

[They have exams, and they’re largely uneventful, until…]

Professor Tofty: Harry, Harry. You can perform a corporeal patronus, correct?

Harry: Well, yes….

Professor Tofty: Care to demonstrate?

Harry: Eew! You pervert!

Professor Tofty: It was just a suggestion.

Harry: Well, to prove my awesome manhood, I suppose I can oblige. Why don’t I visualize…Umbridge being violated by centaurs? …Works for me. Expecto patronum! [His patronus appears] Ooh, that was goooooood!

Professor Tofty: Amazing! You can share my bed anytime!

Harry: …Thanks….

Umbridge: And this is why I don’t allow wandplay in my class!

[Later that day…]

Hermione: So in Hagrid news, someone’s let a Niffler into Umbridge’s office, where it’s been making a mess of things and trying to chew her to bits.

Harry: That’s hilarious!

Ron: But what’s it got to do with Hagrid?

Hermione: Well…don’t you think she’ll blame Hagrid? And get him in trouble?

Harry: But Hagrid’s busy teaching. She can’t actually think he’s done it.

Hermione: Yes, but this is Umbridge we’re talking about. She’ll look for any excuse to pick on our friends because she’s so evil and hates us so much.

[The rest of their exams are uneventful…]

Harry: So, did you fail Divination like I did?

Ron: Absolutely. I described an ugly man in the crystal ball—which turned out to be the reflection of my examiner!

Harry: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid!

Ron: Yeah, yeah.

Harry: You’re so pathetic you make me look clever, and I’ve got Golden Snitches for brains!

Ron: Of course, Harry dear—whatever you say.

Harry: I’m so glad you always hang out with me, so you can make my utter failure of myself look good by comparison!

Ron: That’s what friends are for, and all that.

Harry: Do you hope that someday my barest minimum of skill and worthiness will rub off on your utter worthlessness?

Ron: Oh will you stop belittling me?!

Harry: …Wait, you haven’t said anything to contradict my self-deprecating remarks!

Ron: AAAAAAAAARGH!

[At the Arithmancy exam…]

Harry: Is…is that Umbridge walking in the courtyard below?

[Sure enough, Umbridge and a group of others are advancing on Hagrid’s hut!]

Harry: What on earth--?

Hagrid: You’ll never take me alive! You know I may be a Hogwarts…groundkeeper, and professor…but I am also--!

Umbridge: [to Hagrid] Oh, quiet, you moron! [to crowd] Stun the useless waste of space so we can go home and have tea!

McGonagall: Oh, no you’re not! You will never hurt my friend!

Umbridge: I can’t be bothered with this nonsense anymore. Stun her too!

[The crowd does likewise]

Hagrid: How dare you attack my protector! Just for that, see how you like this! [He attacks some people, which is enough to frighten them off]

Umbridge: Oh, come on—he’s just a stupid half-giant!

[After the exam…]

Ron: Hermione, how come they couldn’t take Hagrid in?

Hermione: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid. As it turns out, the fact that he’s half-giant gives him certain protections against magic. I’m more worried about Professor McGonagall, seeing as she’s getting on in years.

Angelina: I just don’t understand why Umbridge would expel Hagrid. I mean, it’s true he’s a completely incompetent teacher, but that’s just what makes learning from him exciting and thus fun!

Hermione: It must be because he’s half-giant! You know, Umbridge, evil racist that she is, hates part-humans!

Lee Jordan: Yeah! That must be it! There’s no way those Nifflers I’ve been surreptitiously sneaking into Umbridge’s office had anything to do with it at all!*

[They go to bed, but Harry can’t sleep]

Harry: Thoughts of doing terrible things to Umbridge for hurting my friend just keep racing through my head. What I wouldn’t give to impale her on a spike…or drown her in a lake of sulfuric acid…or force-feed her glass coated with lemon juice and salt…or feed her to a cage full of Blast-ended Skrewts…or have her violated by some centaurs….

[And in the last exam…]

Harry: Oh, this exam is so hard. Why do I have to take these stupid exams? What am I, some sort of nerd?

[He falls asleep…]

Harry: Oh, look…it’s that corridor from my dreams again. Shouldn’t I be resisting this dream…? Oh, but that’s hard. I’ll just go where it takes me instead…. Holy shit, I’m Voldemort! AAAAAAH! He’s—I’m—torturing Sirius!

[Harry wakes up]

Examiner: Good heavens, child—what ever is the matter with you?!

Harry: I’ve…I’ve been playing with madness again…!

*A/N: This could have been a fairly nice segue into the consequences that result when people try to flout tyrannical leaders too openly and recklessly. Sigh for the road not taken.