Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

And now for something ELSE completely different!

[Two hooded figures appear in front of a dirty, decrepit old building]

Bellatrix: I’m bored. I want to kill something. Avada kedavra! [Kills a nearby fox]

Narcissa: You’re going to give us away if you do that.

Bellatrix: I still don’t know what you’re playing at going to Snape for help!

Narcissa: That’s for me to know and you to wonder at.

Bellatrix: But he’s not even trustworthy!

Narcissa: Of course he is.

Bellatrix: How do you know?

Narcissa: The Dark Lord trusts him, right? If we can’t trust his judgment who can we trust?

Bellatrix: …A fair point. But, still, I just have a secret, sneaking suspicion he’s not to be trusted! And you don’t need any evidence if you’ve got instinct!

Narcissa: I’m way past the point of setting store by instinct, you know!

[They knock on the door…]

Snape: Oh, hello.

Narcissa: Severus, Severus! I need your help with something urgent!

Snape: Does it have to do with the plot?

Narcissa: Of course it has to do with the plot! Why on earth would a side character like me get to appear for a full chapter if it didn’t have to do with the plot?!

Snape: I see I have no choice then. Come in.

Wormtail: Hello! I don’t suppose you remember me from two books ago?

Snape: Go away, Snaketail—nobody likes you!

Wormtail: You of all people call me by some stupid nickname?

Snape: Why the hell not? You’re a coward; therefore you automatically deserve to be treated like vermin. Now go away and don’t even think of eavesdropping on our conversation!

Wormtail: That is so not fair! Give me one thing I’ve done that was cowardly!

Snape: Er…

Wormtail: Aha! You can’t, can you?

Snape: Just go away and leave me alone!

Wormtail: Fine, whatever! [Leaves]

Narcissa: So, anyway, there’s a super-secret plot that I need your help with—

Bellatrix: This is a bad idea….

Snape: What are you on about?

Bellatrix: Why on earth should my sister trust you with anything?

Snape: Well, what reason do you have to think I’m not trustworthy?

Bellatrix: Because, you haven’t directly aided us in our cause for years! And you consort with that asshole Dumbledore! Why, you haven’t even managed to kill a single schoolboy!

Snape: Oh, really? And do you not think the Dark Lord is aware of this? And do you not think he has questioned me about it himself? And do you not think he would have punished me if he wasn’t satisfied with my answers?

Bellatrix: Ah….

Snape: Did you know that it was on the Dark Lord’s instructions I took the post at Hogwarts in the first place? And that I consorted with Dumbledore? And that I didn't kill Harry?

Bellatrix: Well…about that….

Snape: Did he not mention any of this to you?

Bellatrix: He…. No….

Snape: I’m afraid Daddy Dark Lord no longer views you as his favorite, if indeed he ever did.

Bellatrix: Shut up!

Narcissa: Ah…why are we arguing about this? Can we get back to me?

Bellatrix: Oh, stay out of this, Narcissa! Snape, why did you not kill Harry Potter while he was under your power?

Snape: And throw suspicion on myself by murdering Dumbledore’s favorite student?! I’d have to be mad to even try it! Although I was sorely tempted at points, I admit, given how lazy and stupid and cowardly he is….

Narcissa: Oh will you pay attention to me?!

Snape: Oh, yes. Sorry.

Narcissa: Thank you! So, anyway, my husband is in jail and I think the Dark Lord has evil designs on my son.

Snape: And? You do realize that these evil designs are not to be spoken of.

Narcissa: Well…yes…but….

Snape: Lucky for you, I know of them already.

Narcissa: Wow, what a relief!

Snape: But you do realize, there’s nothing I can do to change his mind.

Bellatrix: I don’t know what your problem is, really. If I had sons I’d let the Dark Lord do what he wanted with them.

Narcissa: You say that because you don’t have any!

Bellatrix: True, true.

Narcissa: Anyway, I’m virtually certain the Dark Lord is doing this just to punish my family for Lucius’s mistake!

Snape: Doesn’t surprise me. It’s not like he had any use for families except as bargaining chips. Because he’s just evil like that.

Narcissa: You’re not helping!

Snape: There might be a way.

Narcissa: A way?

Snape: Yes, a way.

Narcissa: Could you do it instead of Draco?

Snape: Well…I wouldn’t say no….

Bellatrix: Ahaha! You say that but you don’t mean it! You’re a dirty, stinking coward and you know it!

Snape: Oh, please—it’s bad enough to hear that kind of talk from Dumbledore and my Gryffindor students! Don’t you start too!

Bellatrix: I’m saying it because it’s true.

Snape: It is not true, and I’ll prove it! Narcissa, I will make an Unbreakable Vow with you, to protect Draco!

Narcissa: Really?! You would do that?!

Snape: Absolutely!

Bellatrix: I can’t believe this is happening.

[Snape takes Narcissa’s hand, and Bellatrix begins to apply the spell]

Bellatrix: Severus Snape, do you promise to help Draco fulfill this top-secret evil dark plot which I cannot reveal on account of knowing nothing about it having fallen out of Daddy Dark Lord’s favor?

Snape: Yes, I do.

Bellatrix: And will you attempt to fulfill Draco’s totally top-secret and highly-dangerous role if he doesn’t?

Snape: Yes, for Draco I will.

[The spell binds them together]

Narcissa: Wow, Severus—you’re the greatest!

Snape: I live to serve. Literally!