deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 8

[Harry is still stuck on the floor of the cabin, unable to free himself]

Harry: That asshole! What have I ever done to him, that he treats me this way!? [Cries]

[But just then…]

Tonks: Harry, are you here?!

Harry: Tonks! My savior!

Tonks: [Frees Harry] Come, we have to get out of here now.

[She leads Harry to the train door, where they jump off just as the train begins to move]

Tonks: Just put your Cloak on, and we’ll go up to Hogwarts together

Harry: What are you doing here, anyway?

Tonks: I’ve been stationed in Hogsmeade with a few other aurors for extra protection.

[They get up to the gate, but it’s chained shut]

Tonks: They’ve really increased security this year. Oh, but look! Someone’s coming!

Snape: Hello, you two!

Harry: Aaagh! It’s Snape!

Snape: Yes it is. Evidently I’m the only one who could ever be bothered to greet those who arrive late. I see you’re not dressed properly.

Harry: That was totally not my fault! Draco attacked me!

Snape: Did you ever think that maybe you could have avoided this by just not tailing Draco? When will you learn to stay out of trouble?

Harry: I don’t go looking for trouble, I swear! Trouble just finds me!

Snape: Whatever. Tonks, your services are no longer required.

Tonks: Very well, then.

Snape: Oh, and your patronus is not looking good. Get that checked out.

Tonks: Don’t you think I’m aware of all that?!

Snape: Whatever. Good night.

[Tonks leaves]

Harry: Snape, I still think you’re to blame for Sirius’s death.

Snape: That’s fine by me, because I know that isn’t true.

Harry: Also you’re a heartless monster for not caring that he died.

Snape: Yes, I’m heartless because I’m not sad that the man who made an attempt on my life and still isn’t sorry about it died. Tell me, Harry, would you mourn Draco if he were to die an untimely, pointless death?

Harry: Well…maybe…?

Snape: There. Now you’re thinking.

Harry: Damn you! I’m not supposed to think!

[Snape escorts Harry to the Great Hall, where he takes his seat by his friends]

Hermione: We’ve been so worried about you! What the hell happened?!

Harry: I’ll tell you later, when we’ve got more privacy. Right now I’m hungry.

[But before he can get any food, the entrees disappear and are replaced with desserts]

Harry: [Sulks]

Ron: By the way, everyone’s been trying to interview us on whether we really think you’re the Chosen One.

Hermione: Oh, yes—nobody’s been able to give us a moment’s peace.

[Just then, Dumbledore comes to the front of the room]

Hermione: Oh, God—look at his hand! What the hell happened to it?!

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s been like that since this summer.

Hermione: Wow, if it hasn’t healed by now there must be a really awful curse on it!

Dumbledore: So, anyway, I have some important announcements to make. Chief among them, I hope you will join me in welcoming Professor Horace Slutborn as our new Potions Master!

Slughorn: My name is Slughorn! Not Slutborn! Slughorn!

Ron: What? He’s going to teach Potions?!

Dumbledore: Yes, you heard that right, everyone! This year he’s taking over at Potions, so that Severus Snape can have the Defense against the Dark Arts post!

Harry: …What?! …Oh, well, at least this means he’ll be gone by the end of the year. Maybe he’ll die, just like Professor Quirrell!

Hermione: That’s not a very nice thing to say!

Harry: What? You don’t agree with me?

Hermione: Not really, no.

Dumbledore: Anyway, in light of the recent rise of Voldemort I urge all of you to take safety seriously. Don’t go out after hours, do what the teachers tell you to do to remain safe. Keep yourselves healthy, strong, and well-rested, the better for me to use you as weapons in the fight against evil. But, most importantly, get a good night’s sleep for your classes tomorrow!

[As they exit the Great Hall, Harry imparts to Ron what he saw on the train]

Ron: So you really think Draco’s a Death Eater?

Harry: Yeah! He openly said he supported Voldemort!

Ron: How do you know he wasn’t just showing off to look cool for his friends?

Harry: Because…ah…

Hagrid: Hello!

Harry: Oh, hello, Hagrid!

Hagrid: So, I can expect to see you three for class tomorrow, right?!

Harry: Ah…yeah…sure. Why not?

Hagrid: Good chaps! [Leaves]

Harry: Neither you nor Hermione are in that class, are you?

Ron: Nope.

Harry: That’s probably wise.