Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 19

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[Later, Ron is in the hospital wing. Fred and George come to visit]

Fred: Now how will we give him our present?

George: It is a shame that you can’t come to Hogsmeade anymore.

Fred: Did we tell you we were thinking of buying Zonko’s? Use it or lose it, and all that.

Harry: Well, anyway, it looks like Ron will be alright. He’ll just be in the hospital wing for about a week. Good thing there was a bezoar in the room, really!

Fred: By the way, do our mother and father know about this?

Ginny: Yeah, they’ve been through here already.

Fred: Well, anyway, just how did the poison get into the mead, anyway? Did Slutborn add it?

Harry: But why would Slutborn want to poison Ron? That would be low even for a Slytherin.

Fred: Could it be that he was trying to poison you instead?

Ginny: Oh! Is Slutborn a Death Eater sent to kill Harry?

Fred: Well, you never know with these slimy Slytherins.

George: There’s also a possibility that he was put under the Imperius curse.

Ginny: Well…it’s possible that someone else put the poison in the bottle, and the poison was meant for Slutborn.

Fred: But who would want to poison Slutborn?

Harry: You never know. Maybe the Death Eaters think he’s too valuable to Dumbledore?

Ginny: Oh! I just thought of something! Could whoever it was be targeting Dumbledore? Harry, you said Slutborn had intended to give Dumbledore the mead as a gift!

Hermione: But why would someone trust a gluttonous slob like Slughorn to give a perfectly-good bottle of mead away?

[Just then, Hagrid enters!]

Hagrid: Ron, Ron! I’m so sorry this happened to you! Why anyone would want to hurt you I have no idea!

Harry: We’ve just been discussing that.

Hagrid: Say, do you think someone has it in for the Gryffindor quidditch team?

George: That’s a possibility, but why would anyone want to do that?

Fred: Well, I could see Oliver Wood doing something like that.

George: That’s a fair point.

Hermione: I don’t know about that, but I do think it’s suspicious that neither attack seems to have reached its intended target.

[Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]

Mrs. Weasley: Wow, Harry—you’ve saved Ron’s life!

Mr. Weasley: I’m so glad we have you as a friend to the family—you’ve saved us so many times!

Madame Pomfrey: Excuse me, but there’s only supposed to be six visitors in here at a time.

Harry: That’s alright—Hermione and I can leave.

Hagrid: I’ll go with you.

[They walk off down the hallway]

Hagrid: This is really bad. If more people get attacked, the school might be shut down.

Hermione: Oh, no! That would be terrible!

Hagrid: Dumbledore seems quite nervous about it, actually. Why, I saw him arguing with Snape just the other day!

Harry: Snape?! What about?!

Hagrid: Well…I just overheard them arguing. Snape said he didn’t want to do a thing anymore. I couldn’t tell what thing he was talking about.

Harry: You couldn’t tell?! But this is so suspicious!

Hagrid: Now, now—it could mean anything.

Harry: I know it means Snape’s up to no good!

Hagrid: You don’t know that!

Harry: Yes I do!

Hagrid: Oh, honestly!

[But just then Filch appears]

Filch: Hey, you! You’re not supposed to be out this late!

Hagrid: But they’re with me. I’m a teacher. You have no right to criticize my judgments, you dirty squib! Now begone!

Filch: Dammit! You’ll eat your words when I become a respected villain on Game of Thrones!

[Harry and Hermione leave Hagrid and return to their rooms]

McLaggen: Hello, Harry! Listen, I heard something terrible happened to Ron. He’s not going to be fit for this week’s match, is he?

Harry: No, I suppose he won’t.

McLaggen: Great! That means I get to be the keeper instead!

Harry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

McLaggen: Hooray!

[Lavender approaches Harry about Ron for most of next week]

Lavender: So, anyway, why won’t Ron let me in to see him? Seriously! He’s always asleep when I arrive and he never invites me in! And I’m his girlfriend!

Harry: Not my problem. Maybe he’s finally realized that you’re just an insignificant side character and Hermione is the only one for him.

[Before the quidditch match, Harry goes to visit Ron]

Ron: So how is McLaggen holding up?

Harry: Ugh, I hate that asshole! He’s a smug jerk who thinks he’s better than everyone else on the team! Oh, by the way, Lavender won’t leave me alone.

Ron: She isn’t? I can’t imagine why.

Harry: It’s because you never see her!

Ron: Oh, alright. Well, I suppose I can make some time for her.

Harry: If you want to break up with her, just say so. Don’t prolong my agony!

[On the way out to the quidditch pitch Harry runs into Draco!]

Harry: Draco, Draco! Where are you going?!

Draco: That’s none of your damn business, you freak! [Stalks off]

[Harry goes to the quidditch pitch and goes out with his team]

Luna: Hello, Hogwarts! Today I, Luna Lovegood, will be your commentator! [Pause] Well, anyway, it looks like Zacharias Smith is uncomfortable today. I wonder if the incident from the last game had anything to do with it. Oh, well. Ginny’s playing a good match as usual. Did I mention she’s really good and kind and stuff? Please don’t kill me, Ginny! Oh, and there’s a goal scored by Hufflepuff!

McLaggen: That was totally not my fault! Ginny distracted me by dropping her ball!

Harry: What are you talking about?! You are the one who needs to keep your eye on the goal posts!

Luna: Huh. It looks like Harry’s arguing with his keeper. If he keeps this up he’ll never catch the Snitch.

Harry: Oh, no! She’s right! I must look for the Snitch!

Luna: By the way, Zacharias Smith appears to be having trouble keeping the quaffle in his possession. I can’t imagine why. Maybe he’s coming down with a rare disease….

[After a time, McLaggen starts harassing one of the beaters]

Harry: McLaggen! You leave that poor, innocent beater alone!

McLaggen: [ignoring Harry] Give me that club!

Beater: But why? You're not even trained as a beater.

McLaggen: Shut up! I'm such an asshole that my own glory is more important than this game I profess to love so much!

[Unfortunately, just then a bludger comes toward them, and McLaggen swings it just in time for it to hit Harry!]

[Harry wakes up in the hospital wing]

Ron: Harry! What happened?!

Harry: McLaggen is an annoying dumbass who deserves to die!

Madame Pomfrey: Harry, don’t get so excited! You’ll aggravate your injury!

Ron: Well, needless to say we lost the game. But on a more positive note, Luna is the best quidditch commentator this school has ever seen!

Harry: By the way, did I tell you that I saw Draco on the way out to the match?

Ron: Draco?!

Harry:  Yes! I totally would have followed him if I could have gotten out of the stupid match.

Ron: But there was no way you could have—you’re the captain!

Harry: Yeah, like I don’t know that. Oh, if only there was some way I could keep tabs on Draco. But how?

[Later that night, Harry has a brainwave]

Harry: Of course! Dobby and Kreacher!

[Just then, the two house-elves appear]

Dobby: You called?

Kreacher: What do you want this time?! Can’t you just let me work in the kitchens in peace?

Dobby: That’s not a very nice thing to say to him!

Kreacher: I don’t like you!

Dobby: I’ll get you for being mean to Harry! [Attacks Kreacher]

Kreacher: Honestly, you’re so pathetic. Real house-elves fight with magic.

Harry: Never mind that now! Listen to me!

Dobby: Yes?

Kreacher: Yes?

Harry: I’d like the two of you to spy on Draco. Follow him around and see what he’s up to. And Kreacher?

Kreacher: Yes?

Harry: You are not to contact or aid Draco. All I want you to do is follow him, and report to me regularly. Only me, mind—no one else. And both of you, don’t get caught.

Dobby: Will do!

Kreacher: If you say so….

[The house-elves disappear]