Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 25

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[Harry and Ginny are an item now]

Ginny: So, anyway, I told Romilda Vane you have a Hungarian Horntail tattooed on your chest, Harry, because I wanted her to think you were cool.

Harry: Wow, Ginny—you’re the greatest!

Ginny: Anything for you, my future husband! Oh, did I mention I told her Ron has a tattoo of a Pygmy Puff? That’s so much stupider!

Ron: Even my own sister thinks I’m the biggest loser ever! [Cries]

[One day, Hermione approaches him about the Half-Blood Prince]

Hermione: Harry, Harry! I found out something very interesting the other day!

Harry: Like what?

Hermione: Well…there used to be a Hogwarts student named Eileen Prince! Maybe she was the Half-Blood Prince!

Harry: No, I have a very strong feeling that it was a guy.

Hermione: What on earth gives you that idea?!

Harry: It’s just a feeling I have.

Hermione: Oh, honestly!

Ron: I think she’s just upset you still care about him.

Harry: You…you really think that book was alright?

Ron: Of course I do! I’d be dead if it weren’t for the Prince, wouldn’t I?

Harry: So it would appear. But still, there was that one spell that wounded Draco….

Ron: Yes, but he got better! So really it was never an issue!

Harry: Well…I’m still stuck in detention with Snape for the foreseeable future. It means I can’t spend as much time with Ginny as I want to!

[In due course he receives another summons from Dumbledore. But on the way there…]

Harry: I hear a scream from the Room of Requirement! I must investigate!

[He finds Professor Trelawney crawling on the floor]

Harry: It’s you! What are you doing up here?!

Professor Trelawney: Oh, I’m just trying to dispose of some suspicious-looking bottles so people stop making fun of my drinking habits!

Harry: You know about the Room of Requirement?!

Trelawney: Well, yes. It’s been an open secret for as long as I can remember.

Harry: But you couldn’t get in?

Trelawney: It’s not that I couldn’t get in—it’s that there’s someone already inside.

Harry: Someone inside?! Who?! Who is it?! [Grabs Professor Trelawney and shakes her]

Trelawney: I didn’t see. I was thrown out of the room before I could find out anything.

Harry: I’ll bet it was Draco Malfoy, plotting something sinister!

Trelawney: And why not?

Harry: Well, it just so happens that I’m about to talk to Dumbledore right now. Why don’t you come with me, to voice your suspicions?

Trelawney: You’re never this nice to me. I don’t like it.

Harry: Well, I am going to Dumbledore’s office, so you can do whatever you want.

Trelawney: Well it’s not like I’ve got anything to lose.

[She and Harry head toward Dumbledore’s office]

Trelawney: Did you know that when I tried to bring my latest predictions to the centaur he laughed at me and told me I was a loser and a joke?

Harry: Well you are. I’m glad someone realizes it!

Trelawney: Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Dumbledore? He was interviewing me, and I got a vision—but it was interrupted by Snape of all people!

Harry: Snape! Aha! I knew it! Snape is the evil monster who relayed the prophecy to Voldemort!

Trelawney: Prophecy? What prophecy?

Harry: Oh, never mind—you don’t have the brainpower to understand!

[Harry rushes to Dumbledore’s office]

Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Snape was the one who betrayed my parents to Voldemort!

Dumbledore: That’s nice, Harry. Now, do you want to come hunting for a Horcrux with me?

Harry: Oh yes pleeeease! I wanna destroy something!

Dumbledore: Then let us be off. We’re going to the cave that Tom scared those kids in all those years ago. I think that’s where it is.

Harry: Alright, alright. But Dumbledore, SNAPE BETRAYED MY MOTHER AND FATHER TO VOLDEMORT!

Dumbledore: And what on earth makes you say that?

Harry: He overheard Trelawney’s prophecy! I’ll bet he was listening at the door, waiting for the appropriate moment!

Dumbledore: Harry, Harry. Even if that were true, how much information do you think the prophecy contained? After all, all it says is, “This child was born to die.” Snape couldn’t possibly have known what Voldemort would do with the information.

Harry: I don’t know, but, he’s planning something sinister right now, I know he is! He’s helping Draco do something evil and wrong!

Dumbledore: Never you mind. Just come with me to destroy the Horcrux.

Harry: But Dumbledore—!

Dumbledore: Do as I say, dammit!

Harry: Yes, Master.

Dumbledore: Very good. Now then, what we’re about to do is extremely dangerous. Do you promise me that you will do anything I tell you to, no matter what?

Harry: Yes.

Dumbledore: Even if I tell you to sacrifice myself?

Harry: What?! Sacrifice my precious angel?!

Dumbledore: I knew you’d be too scared to come along.

Harry: No, no! I’m not scared! If you really want me to I’ll do it!

Dumbledore: Alright, then! Go get your Cloak and we’ll head to the cave!

[Harry runs to the dormitory]

Harry: Ron, Hermione! I’m off to go destroy a Horcrux with Dumbledore!

Ron: That’s great!

Harry: Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I’m certain Draco is up to something evil and sinister. So I’m going to need you to keep an eye on him using the Marauder’s Map. If you can commandeer anyone from the DA that’s even better. Oh, and you’re welcome to the rest of my luck potion.

Hermione: Don’t you think you’ll need the protection more than us?

Harry: No, I’m with Dumbledore. You’ll be in more danger than me.

Hermione: Point taken.

[Harry meets Dumbledore near the castle entrance and they go to Hogsmeade]

Dumbledore: We’ll apparate from outside the Hog’s Head, so we won’t attract too much attention.

[They go to the Hog’s Head storefront, where they disappear for the cave where the Horcrux is located]