Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 26
Jun. 16th, 2015 06:11 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[They arrive at the cave…]
Dumbledore: Something tells me this is the place. As you can see, it would be difficult if not impossible for anyone to get here without magic.
Harry: So why would the people from the orphanage come up here on a trip then?
Dumbledore: Perhaps they didn’t. Perhaps Tom Rid was the only one who knew about it. Now, let’s go for a swim!
[He slides into the water and swims toward a crevice in the rock]
Harry: Wait for meeee!
[Harry follows]
Dumbledore: the entrance should be somewhere around here. Now how to get in…?
Harry: Dumbledore, I’m freezing cold. Can you dry me off?
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah. I forgot! [Dries Harry’s robes off with magic] Now, then, where is the opening in the rock? Aah, I see! If we want to get inside we have to provide a blood sacrifice!
Harry: WHAT?!
Dumbledore: Calm down; it won’t need much blood. [Slashes his wrist with a knife and bleeds all over the rock, to reveal a secret passageway]
Harry: DID YOU JUST CUT YOUR WRIST OPEN?!
Dumbledore: Yes, I did. What of it?
Harry: You…you couldn’t just cut your finger or something?!
Dumbledore: It’s much more dark and creepy to cut your wrist. Crying tears of blood would be ideal, but I haven’t yet figured out how to do that. [Heals himself] What, did you think I would actually die from that?
Harry: Well, no….
Dumbledore: Anyway, let’s go inside.
[Inside the cave, they find a glowing lake and an island that’s completely bare except for a birdbath]
Harry: Well this place just got…even creepier than it was before. I can see why the kids came out traumatized.
Dumbledore: I’ll bet the Horcrux is inside that birdbath.
Harry: Cool. I think I’ll try summoning it.
[Harry tries, but something leaps threateningly out of the water]
Dumbledore: Alright, that won’t work. We’ll have to go to the Horcrux ourselves.
Harry: But how?! Won’t whatever’s in the lake attack us?!
Dumbledore: Not if we cross by the proper channels. I’ll just look and see if I can find a boat over here—
Harry: There’s a boat? I don’t see one!
Dumbledore: Here it is! [Grabs something in his hands]
Harry: Where, where?
[Dumbledore taps his hand with his wand, and a chain appears, with a boat on the other end]
Harry: Oh! So that’s where it is! Dumbledore, did Voldemort put this boat here?
Dumbledore: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Harry: Grrrrr….
[They get on the boat]
Harry: Dumbledore, I just realized—this boat is exactly the right size to carry over one adult and one young person!
Dumbledore: So it would appear. [to self] Fuck, he’s starting to develop functioning brain cells.
Harry: Was that Voldemort’s idea?
Dumbledore: Maybe, maybe not.
Harry: Argh!
[They float across the lake. Harry notices that the lake is populated by what appear to be corpses]
Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Why is the lake full of death people?
Dumbledore: Oh, ignore them.
Harry: Ignore a lake full of dead people?!
Dumbledore: These dead bodies provide a convenient window to your ultimate fate.
Harry: My ultimate fate is to be trapped under a lake full of dead people?!
Dumbledore: Oh, never mind.
[They reach the other side to find the birdbath full of glowing green liquid]
Dumbledore: Aha! I knew it!
Harry: Knew what?
Dumbledore: The locket Horcrux is at the bottom of this very birdbath!
Harry: Hooray! Let’s take it and get out of here!
Dumbledore: Not so fast. I am quite sure that we can’t simply take it. [Tries and fails to reach into the liquid to retrieve the Horcrux]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! What are we going to do?!
Dumbledore: We could try drinking the potion.
Harry: Drinking it?! Can’t we just tip it out?
Dumbledore: No. I know all about birdbaths like these—the only way to defeat them is to drink all the liquid they contain.
Harry: Oh, no! How ever will we drink this liquid?!
Dumbledore: You don’t have to worry—I will be the one to do it.
Harry: What?! What if you get yourself killed?!
Dumbledore: I won’t.
Harry: How can you be so sure?!
Dumbledore: I just am. I don’t think this potion will kill me, but the effects could still be…unpleasant. It might give me one of my dreaded headaches.
Harry: Oh, no! Not the headache!
Dumbledore: Therefore, if my headaches make it too hard for me to carry on, I ask that you keep feeding me the potion anyway.
Harry: What?!
Dumbledore: Don’t ask—just do it.
Harry: But I couldn’t bear to see my angel in pain!
Dumbledore: You’ll be doing it for the greater good!
Harry: Well…if it’s for the greater good….
Dumbledore: I knew you’d see it my way!
[Dumbledore conjures a cup and begins to drink. After three cups…]
Dumbledore: Harry…my head hurts.
Harry: Oh, no! The headache is starting!
[Harry retrieves Dumbledore’s cup from him and fills it with potion again]
Harry: You have to keep drinking, remember that!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] My head…my poor head….
[Harry fills the cup again and gives it to Dumbledore before he can protest]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] Oh shit…! My head…! It feels like it’s about to explode…!
Harry: It won’t explode if you drink more potion! [Refills cup again] This will stop your head from exploding!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] OOOOOW THE PAAAAIN! MY HEAD HUUUUUURTS!
Harry: This will make it stop! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] Wow, I can see rainbows around everything in this room.
Harry: Stay focused on your goals! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] FUCK OFF YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!
Harry: This is bad! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] YOU LUDACRIS FOOL! YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCE! I NEVER CARED ABOUT DRACO ANYWAY!
Harry: How’s this for a Ludacris fool?! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] YOUR MOTHER WAS A--! [The rest of this rant has had to be censored because of all the lines it crossed]
Harry: How very nasty of you! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] [This rant has been censored because it crosses so many lines Harry’s brain kindly wiped all recollection of it from its memory bank so he could have any prayer of living a normal life afterward]
Harry: AAAAGH THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE! [Refills cup with the last of the potion] Dumbledore, my angel, this will make your headache go away!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion, then lies motionless for a time. Eventually, though, he begins to stir]
Harry: Master, you’ve returned! [Glomps Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: Yes, I have returned. I’m thirsty, however.
Harry: Right. [Runs over to the lake to retrieve water] Here you go! [Splashes Dumbledore with it]
[Unfortunately, the lake is now boiling over with angry Inferi!]
Harry: Oh, no! What should we do?! Sectumsempra! Sectumsempra!
[Harry succeeds in cutting the Inferi, but as they are all dead it doesn’t slow them down]
Dumbledore: Don’t worry—just let me handle this! [Whips up a giant flamethrower, which forces the Inferi under water again] There we are!
Harry: Hooray! My hero! [Glomps Dumbledore a second time]
Dumbledore: Get off me so I can retrieve the locket!
Harry: Sorry….
[Dumbledore takes the locket, and they travel back across the lake]
Harry: So…ah…how are you feeling?
Dumbledore: I feel as though I’ve transcended the boundaries of the cosmos and had my brain scrambled and served with a side of bacon and roasted tomatoes!
Harry: I see.
[Harry received a cut from the rock, which he uses to open the door of the cave]
Harry: This time I get to apparate you!
Dumbledore: Excellent, my pet.
Dumbledore: Something tells me this is the place. As you can see, it would be difficult if not impossible for anyone to get here without magic.
Harry: So why would the people from the orphanage come up here on a trip then?
Dumbledore: Perhaps they didn’t. Perhaps Tom Rid was the only one who knew about it. Now, let’s go for a swim!
[He slides into the water and swims toward a crevice in the rock]
Harry: Wait for meeee!
[Harry follows]
Dumbledore: the entrance should be somewhere around here. Now how to get in…?
Harry: Dumbledore, I’m freezing cold. Can you dry me off?
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah. I forgot! [Dries Harry’s robes off with magic] Now, then, where is the opening in the rock? Aah, I see! If we want to get inside we have to provide a blood sacrifice!
Harry: WHAT?!
Dumbledore: Calm down; it won’t need much blood. [Slashes his wrist with a knife and bleeds all over the rock, to reveal a secret passageway]
Harry: DID YOU JUST CUT YOUR WRIST OPEN?!
Dumbledore: Yes, I did. What of it?
Harry: You…you couldn’t just cut your finger or something?!
Dumbledore: It’s much more dark and creepy to cut your wrist. Crying tears of blood would be ideal, but I haven’t yet figured out how to do that. [Heals himself] What, did you think I would actually die from that?
Harry: Well, no….
Dumbledore: Anyway, let’s go inside.
[Inside the cave, they find a glowing lake and an island that’s completely bare except for a birdbath]
Harry: Well this place just got…even creepier than it was before. I can see why the kids came out traumatized.
Dumbledore: I’ll bet the Horcrux is inside that birdbath.
Harry: Cool. I think I’ll try summoning it.
[Harry tries, but something leaps threateningly out of the water]
Dumbledore: Alright, that won’t work. We’ll have to go to the Horcrux ourselves.
Harry: But how?! Won’t whatever’s in the lake attack us?!
Dumbledore: Not if we cross by the proper channels. I’ll just look and see if I can find a boat over here—
Harry: There’s a boat? I don’t see one!
Dumbledore: Here it is! [Grabs something in his hands]
Harry: Where, where?
[Dumbledore taps his hand with his wand, and a chain appears, with a boat on the other end]
Harry: Oh! So that’s where it is! Dumbledore, did Voldemort put this boat here?
Dumbledore: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Harry: Grrrrr….
[They get on the boat]
Harry: Dumbledore, I just realized—this boat is exactly the right size to carry over one adult and one young person!
Dumbledore: So it would appear. [to self] Fuck, he’s starting to develop functioning brain cells.
Harry: Was that Voldemort’s idea?
Dumbledore: Maybe, maybe not.
Harry: Argh!
[They float across the lake. Harry notices that the lake is populated by what appear to be corpses]
Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Why is the lake full of death people?
Dumbledore: Oh, ignore them.
Harry: Ignore a lake full of dead people?!
Dumbledore: These dead bodies provide a convenient window to your ultimate fate.
Harry: My ultimate fate is to be trapped under a lake full of dead people?!
Dumbledore: Oh, never mind.
[They reach the other side to find the birdbath full of glowing green liquid]
Dumbledore: Aha! I knew it!
Harry: Knew what?
Dumbledore: The locket Horcrux is at the bottom of this very birdbath!
Harry: Hooray! Let’s take it and get out of here!
Dumbledore: Not so fast. I am quite sure that we can’t simply take it. [Tries and fails to reach into the liquid to retrieve the Horcrux]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! What are we going to do?!
Dumbledore: We could try drinking the potion.
Harry: Drinking it?! Can’t we just tip it out?
Dumbledore: No. I know all about birdbaths like these—the only way to defeat them is to drink all the liquid they contain.
Harry: Oh, no! How ever will we drink this liquid?!
Dumbledore: You don’t have to worry—I will be the one to do it.
Harry: What?! What if you get yourself killed?!
Dumbledore: I won’t.
Harry: How can you be so sure?!
Dumbledore: I just am. I don’t think this potion will kill me, but the effects could still be…unpleasant. It might give me one of my dreaded headaches.
Harry: Oh, no! Not the headache!
Dumbledore: Therefore, if my headaches make it too hard for me to carry on, I ask that you keep feeding me the potion anyway.
Harry: What?!
Dumbledore: Don’t ask—just do it.
Harry: But I couldn’t bear to see my angel in pain!
Dumbledore: You’ll be doing it for the greater good!
Harry: Well…if it’s for the greater good….
Dumbledore: I knew you’d see it my way!
[Dumbledore conjures a cup and begins to drink. After three cups…]
Dumbledore: Harry…my head hurts.
Harry: Oh, no! The headache is starting!
[Harry retrieves Dumbledore’s cup from him and fills it with potion again]
Harry: You have to keep drinking, remember that!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] My head…my poor head….
[Harry fills the cup again and gives it to Dumbledore before he can protest]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] Oh shit…! My head…! It feels like it’s about to explode…!
Harry: It won’t explode if you drink more potion! [Refills cup again] This will stop your head from exploding!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] OOOOOW THE PAAAAIN! MY HEAD HUUUUUURTS!
Harry: This will make it stop! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] Wow, I can see rainbows around everything in this room.
Harry: Stay focused on your goals! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] FUCK OFF YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!
Harry: This is bad! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] YOU LUDACRIS FOOL! YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCE! I NEVER CARED ABOUT DRACO ANYWAY!
Harry: How’s this for a Ludacris fool?! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] YOUR MOTHER WAS A--! [The rest of this rant has had to be censored because of all the lines it crossed]
Harry: How very nasty of you! [Refills cup again]
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion] [This rant has been censored because it crosses so many lines Harry’s brain kindly wiped all recollection of it from its memory bank so he could have any prayer of living a normal life afterward]
Harry: AAAAGH THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE! [Refills cup with the last of the potion] Dumbledore, my angel, this will make your headache go away!
Dumbledore: [Drinks potion, then lies motionless for a time. Eventually, though, he begins to stir]
Harry: Master, you’ve returned! [Glomps Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: Yes, I have returned. I’m thirsty, however.
Harry: Right. [Runs over to the lake to retrieve water] Here you go! [Splashes Dumbledore with it]
[Unfortunately, the lake is now boiling over with angry Inferi!]
Harry: Oh, no! What should we do?! Sectumsempra! Sectumsempra!
[Harry succeeds in cutting the Inferi, but as they are all dead it doesn’t slow them down]
Dumbledore: Don’t worry—just let me handle this! [Whips up a giant flamethrower, which forces the Inferi under water again] There we are!
Harry: Hooray! My hero! [Glomps Dumbledore a second time]
Dumbledore: Get off me so I can retrieve the locket!
Harry: Sorry….
[Dumbledore takes the locket, and they travel back across the lake]
Harry: So…ah…how are you feeling?
Dumbledore: I feel as though I’ve transcended the boundaries of the cosmos and had my brain scrambled and served with a side of bacon and roasted tomatoes!
Harry: I see.
[Harry received a cut from the rock, which he uses to open the door of the cave]
Harry: This time I get to apparate you!
Dumbledore: Excellent, my pet.
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Date: 2015-06-17 12:07 pm (UTC)At 17, isn't Harry an adult in the WW? At 17, even if he's still a juvenile by law, he's adult in size. How does that work with the boat? Does it know a full-grown person's legal status?
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Date: 2015-06-17 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-17 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-21 05:19 am (UTC)He acts like he is just figuring it out, but he knew exactly what they were getting into.