Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 5
Jun. 27th, 2015 10:50 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Harry is retrieved from the mud by Tonks’s parents]
Harry: Where’s Hagrid?! Is he alright?!
Ted Tonks: Well…he’s missing an arm and a leg, and he’s got a giant spider leg around his neck.
Harry: Is that all?
Ted Tonks: All except for a few bruises and broken bones, which are easy to fix.
Harry: Oh. Then he’s fine.
Ted Tonks: I’ll take your word for it. So what happened to you?
Harry: We were ambushed by Death Eaters, that’s what!
Ted Tonks: That’s terrible! Oh, well—they won’t be able to come near our house. We’ve got protective charms around it.
[Hagrid enters the room soon enough]
Hagrid: Harry, Harry! I’m so glad you made it here in one piece!
[Mrs. Tonks enters shortly]
Mrs. Tonks: So, where is our daughter?
Harry: I don’t know. Perhaps she is dead. Perhaps she died protecting me. Yeah.
Mrs. Tonks: That’s terrible! My poor daughter!
Ted Tonks: Now, now, we don’t know for sure that she’s dead. Harry, why don’t you take a portkey I set up to the Burrow with Hagrid? You can report to us from there.
Harry: Capital idea! Where is this portkey?
Ted Tonks: Follow me.
[He leads Harry and Hagrid to a back room, where a hairbrush is sitting conspicuously on a table]
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, what happened to your owl?
Harry: She’s dead, alright?!
Hagrid: Oh. Alright, then.
[They go to the Burrow, where Mrs. Weasley and Ginny are waiting]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Harry! I’m so glad you’re safe! Do you know where anyone else is?
Harry: They’re not back yet?!
Mrs. Weasley: No!
[George and Lupin arrive soon after, though George is missing an ear]
Harry: Oh, no! His ear is missing! This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
Lupin: Now wait just a minute. Harry, how do I know you aren’t an imposter? A spy might have infiltrated the Order and told Voldemort about our plans.
Harry: That can’t be. Voldemort only caught up with us toward the end. If one of us had been the traitor, he would have known right from the start which one was me.
Lupin: That’s a fair point.
Harry: By the way, Stan Shunpike was among them! I remember disarming him! I’m certain he was imperiused, though—there’s no way someone who was nice to me would ever join the Death Eaters willingly!
Lupin: Disarming him? That’s not a very heroic way to go about things, now is it, Harry? Why don’t you try something more deadly?
Harry: Well…I did try to stun some people, and they all fell off their brooms and died.
Lupin: That’s a step in the right direction.
Harry: But I don’t wanna kill people! I can’t look like a magnanimous hero if I kill people!
Lupin: Be that as it may, don’t let Expelliarmus become your signature move, or you’ll make yourself vulnerable.
Harry: Whatever. I’m the Chosen One so I know I’ll make it work for me in the end.
[Hermione and Kingsley arrive]
Kingsley: Voldemort crossed our paths while we were flying. Did anyone know he can fly without a broom?
Harry: Yeah. We saw him too.
[Everyone goes to check on George, who is now bandaged]
Harry: Who’s done this to him?
Lupin: Snape.
Harry: Snape?!
Lupin: The one and only.
Harry: I knew that man was the sadistic bastard to end all sadistic bastards! Cutting poor, innocent George’s ear off like that! Lupin, did you get him for it?
Lupin: I totally would have, honest, but I had to keep George from bleeding to death.
Harry: That’s fair, I suppose.
[Mr. Weasley and Fred arrive…]
George: Fred, Fred! I’ve been injured!
Fred: Oh, no! This is terrible! You could have died, and then where would I be?
George: You’d have to do enough thinking for both of us! The horror!
Fred and George: [Sob into each other’s arms]
Ginny: Harry, I’m restless. Let’s go wait for Ron and Tonks together.
Harry: Capital idea!
[They go to the back to wait for Ron and Tonks, followed by Kingsley and Lupin]
[In due time, Ron and Tonks both arrive]
Tonks: Reeeeemuuuuuus! [Glomps Lupin]
Lupin: Is this really necessary?
Tonks: Oh, come on—at least pretend we’re a happy couple!
Harry: Are you alright, Ron?
Tonks: He actually managed to stun a Death Eater or two. I was impressed!
Ron: Yeah. Offscreen!
Kingsley: Well, this is all well and good, but I’ve got important business to attend to elsewhere.
Harry: What?! You’re leaving?! But what could be more important than paying your respects to me, the Chosen One?!
Kingsley: Let me put this in a language you can understand: I need to go and guard the muggle Prime Minister, because I am a good wizard. You, on the other hand, are a sorry excuse for a wizard. If I stayed I would outshine you in no time.
Harry: Eew! Go away, I don’t want to be outshined by a minor character!
[Kingsley disappears into the night]
[Bill and Fleur arrive shortly thereafter]
Mrs. Weasley: Bill! You’re alive!
Bill: Yes, but Mad-Eye Moody isn’t!
Everyone else: What?!
Fleur: It’s true! I saw the whole thing!
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! Mad-Eye Moody was such a complex, well-realized character who contributed so much to the story! Truly, he will be missed!
Bill: I say we drink away our sorrows!
[He fetches fire whiskey, and everyone takes some]
Lupin: By the way, what about Mundungus?
Bill: Oh, he escaped, coward that he is. Why did we even have him in the Order, again?
Fleur: Well, never mind that now. I still think it’s suspicious that the Death Eaters knew we were moving tonight.
Harry: Oh, come on! Let’s not be like this! Can’t we at least trust each other?! By the power invested in me as the Chosen One, I hereby pardon any one of you who might have let the true date of my move slip!
Lupin: You want to pardon someone who might have set you up to die?!
Harry: Of course. How else will I look good and kind and magnanimous?
Lupin: There’s a difference between magnanimous and stupid, you know.
Harry: Whatever!
Lupin: Well, I’m going to retrieve Mad-Eye Moody’s body! Who’s with me?
Bill: I am!
Harry: I am!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, no you’re not. You’re staying here where it’s safe.
Harry: Oh, good, now I’ll be treated like a pampered prince—I mean, I must nobly go out into the night, so you don’t risk your lives on my account a second time!
Mr. Weasley: We risked our lives to bring you here in the first place, and if you die everything we’ve done will have been for nothing.
Harry: I suppose you’re right.
Hagrid: So, Harry, tell me how you fought off Voldemort!
Harry: Oh, that? That was just my wand acting of its own accord!
Mr. Weasley: I find that hard to believe.
Harry: It’s the truth. I’m rubbish at magic—there’s no way I could have possibly defended myself deliberately!
[So while a few people go out to search, Harry wanders the garden, lost in his own thoughts. Suddenly, his scar starts to hurt, and he’s transported into Voldemort’s memories again!]
Voldemort: You have failed me, Ollivander! You told me that if I had a different wand I’d be able to attack Harry as much as I wanted, but my spell backfired again!
Ollivander: Did you ever think of catching him using some method other than magic?
Voldemort: What are you talking about?
Ollivander: Well, you’re bigger and stronger than he is and you can fly without a broom. Why didn’t you just grab him and disapparate?
Voldemort: How dare you question my methods?! I’m the Dark Lord—therefore the only reason why my plans would fail is through incompetence on the part of some third party! Take that! And that! [Crucios Ollivander]
[Harry comes to his senses]
Ron: Harry, Harry! What happened?!
Harry: I got into Voldemort’s head again.
Hermione: Oh, no! That wasn’t supposed to be happening anymore! This is bad, this is really, really bad!
Harry: Tell me something I don’t already know.
Harry: Where’s Hagrid?! Is he alright?!
Ted Tonks: Well…he’s missing an arm and a leg, and he’s got a giant spider leg around his neck.
Harry: Is that all?
Ted Tonks: All except for a few bruises and broken bones, which are easy to fix.
Harry: Oh. Then he’s fine.
Ted Tonks: I’ll take your word for it. So what happened to you?
Harry: We were ambushed by Death Eaters, that’s what!
Ted Tonks: That’s terrible! Oh, well—they won’t be able to come near our house. We’ve got protective charms around it.
[Hagrid enters the room soon enough]
Hagrid: Harry, Harry! I’m so glad you made it here in one piece!
[Mrs. Tonks enters shortly]
Mrs. Tonks: So, where is our daughter?
Harry: I don’t know. Perhaps she is dead. Perhaps she died protecting me. Yeah.
Mrs. Tonks: That’s terrible! My poor daughter!
Ted Tonks: Now, now, we don’t know for sure that she’s dead. Harry, why don’t you take a portkey I set up to the Burrow with Hagrid? You can report to us from there.
Harry: Capital idea! Where is this portkey?
Ted Tonks: Follow me.
[He leads Harry and Hagrid to a back room, where a hairbrush is sitting conspicuously on a table]
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, what happened to your owl?
Harry: She’s dead, alright?!
Hagrid: Oh. Alright, then.
[They go to the Burrow, where Mrs. Weasley and Ginny are waiting]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Harry! I’m so glad you’re safe! Do you know where anyone else is?
Harry: They’re not back yet?!
Mrs. Weasley: No!
[George and Lupin arrive soon after, though George is missing an ear]
Harry: Oh, no! His ear is missing! This is the worst possible thing that could have happened!
Lupin: Now wait just a minute. Harry, how do I know you aren’t an imposter? A spy might have infiltrated the Order and told Voldemort about our plans.
Harry: That can’t be. Voldemort only caught up with us toward the end. If one of us had been the traitor, he would have known right from the start which one was me.
Lupin: That’s a fair point.
Harry: By the way, Stan Shunpike was among them! I remember disarming him! I’m certain he was imperiused, though—there’s no way someone who was nice to me would ever join the Death Eaters willingly!
Lupin: Disarming him? That’s not a very heroic way to go about things, now is it, Harry? Why don’t you try something more deadly?
Harry: Well…I did try to stun some people, and they all fell off their brooms and died.
Lupin: That’s a step in the right direction.
Harry: But I don’t wanna kill people! I can’t look like a magnanimous hero if I kill people!
Lupin: Be that as it may, don’t let Expelliarmus become your signature move, or you’ll make yourself vulnerable.
Harry: Whatever. I’m the Chosen One so I know I’ll make it work for me in the end.
[Hermione and Kingsley arrive]
Kingsley: Voldemort crossed our paths while we were flying. Did anyone know he can fly without a broom?
Harry: Yeah. We saw him too.
[Everyone goes to check on George, who is now bandaged]
Harry: Who’s done this to him?
Lupin: Snape.
Harry: Snape?!
Lupin: The one and only.
Harry: I knew that man was the sadistic bastard to end all sadistic bastards! Cutting poor, innocent George’s ear off like that! Lupin, did you get him for it?
Lupin: I totally would have, honest, but I had to keep George from bleeding to death.
Harry: That’s fair, I suppose.
[Mr. Weasley and Fred arrive…]
George: Fred, Fred! I’ve been injured!
Fred: Oh, no! This is terrible! You could have died, and then where would I be?
George: You’d have to do enough thinking for both of us! The horror!
Fred and George: [Sob into each other’s arms]
Ginny: Harry, I’m restless. Let’s go wait for Ron and Tonks together.
Harry: Capital idea!
[They go to the back to wait for Ron and Tonks, followed by Kingsley and Lupin]
[In due time, Ron and Tonks both arrive]
Tonks: Reeeeemuuuuuus! [Glomps Lupin]
Lupin: Is this really necessary?
Tonks: Oh, come on—at least pretend we’re a happy couple!
Harry: Are you alright, Ron?
Tonks: He actually managed to stun a Death Eater or two. I was impressed!
Ron: Yeah. Offscreen!
Kingsley: Well, this is all well and good, but I’ve got important business to attend to elsewhere.
Harry: What?! You’re leaving?! But what could be more important than paying your respects to me, the Chosen One?!
Kingsley: Let me put this in a language you can understand: I need to go and guard the muggle Prime Minister, because I am a good wizard. You, on the other hand, are a sorry excuse for a wizard. If I stayed I would outshine you in no time.
Harry: Eew! Go away, I don’t want to be outshined by a minor character!
[Kingsley disappears into the night]
[Bill and Fleur arrive shortly thereafter]
Mrs. Weasley: Bill! You’re alive!
Bill: Yes, but Mad-Eye Moody isn’t!
Everyone else: What?!
Fleur: It’s true! I saw the whole thing!
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! Mad-Eye Moody was such a complex, well-realized character who contributed so much to the story! Truly, he will be missed!
Bill: I say we drink away our sorrows!
[He fetches fire whiskey, and everyone takes some]
Lupin: By the way, what about Mundungus?
Bill: Oh, he escaped, coward that he is. Why did we even have him in the Order, again?
Fleur: Well, never mind that now. I still think it’s suspicious that the Death Eaters knew we were moving tonight.
Harry: Oh, come on! Let’s not be like this! Can’t we at least trust each other?! By the power invested in me as the Chosen One, I hereby pardon any one of you who might have let the true date of my move slip!
Lupin: You want to pardon someone who might have set you up to die?!
Harry: Of course. How else will I look good and kind and magnanimous?
Lupin: There’s a difference between magnanimous and stupid, you know.
Harry: Whatever!
Lupin: Well, I’m going to retrieve Mad-Eye Moody’s body! Who’s with me?
Bill: I am!
Harry: I am!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, no you’re not. You’re staying here where it’s safe.
Harry: Oh, good, now I’ll be treated like a pampered prince—I mean, I must nobly go out into the night, so you don’t risk your lives on my account a second time!
Mr. Weasley: We risked our lives to bring you here in the first place, and if you die everything we’ve done will have been for nothing.
Harry: I suppose you’re right.
Hagrid: So, Harry, tell me how you fought off Voldemort!
Harry: Oh, that? That was just my wand acting of its own accord!
Mr. Weasley: I find that hard to believe.
Harry: It’s the truth. I’m rubbish at magic—there’s no way I could have possibly defended myself deliberately!
[So while a few people go out to search, Harry wanders the garden, lost in his own thoughts. Suddenly, his scar starts to hurt, and he’s transported into Voldemort’s memories again!]
Voldemort: You have failed me, Ollivander! You told me that if I had a different wand I’d be able to attack Harry as much as I wanted, but my spell backfired again!
Ollivander: Did you ever think of catching him using some method other than magic?
Voldemort: What are you talking about?
Ollivander: Well, you’re bigger and stronger than he is and you can fly without a broom. Why didn’t you just grab him and disapparate?
Voldemort: How dare you question my methods?! I’m the Dark Lord—therefore the only reason why my plans would fail is through incompetence on the part of some third party! Take that! And that! [Crucios Ollivander]
[Harry comes to his senses]
Ron: Harry, Harry! What happened?!
Harry: I got into Voldemort’s head again.
Hermione: Oh, no! That wasn’t supposed to be happening anymore! This is bad, this is really, really bad!
Harry: Tell me something I don’t already know.
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Date: 2015-06-27 09:59 pm (UTC)This made me laugh and think Voldy and Dumbles really are two of a kind!
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Date: 2015-06-27 11:42 pm (UTC)Although Voldemort does acknowledge at one point that the fact that Harry’s still alive is due more to his “mistakes” than Harry’s “triumphs," which is more than Dumbledore will admit, I think.