Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 19

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[That night, Harry has a very strange dream]

Harry: Oooh, yes, Nagini—let me stroke your mighty head! Aaaaaaaaaah….

[But eventually the wind makes him wake up so many times that they have to move again. Hermione apparates them away]

Harry: So, where are we now?

Hermione: Oh, just the Forest of Dean.

Harry: Aah! The Forest of Dean! [Pause] Is that significant?

Hermione: Well the name sounds vaguely mystical.

Harry: But are there any legends associated with it?

Hermione: Oh, you know—ancient wells, healing springs.

Harry: That’s good enough for me!

[Two days go by with no news]

Harry: I’m so bored I spend all my time looking at the Marauder’s Map hoping for some trace of my One True Love Ginny! But she’s not there! In fact, nobody’s there! Is the Map getting worn out?!

Hermione: Harry, it’s the winter holiday. Most of the students and staff are at home.

Harry: Ahaha! Of course! I knew it all the time!

[But one night, Harry finds himself out of bed when he sees a strange, white light]

Harry: Oh, good! Something’s finally happening!

[The light materializes in the form of a silver doe]

Harry: Mother? Is that you?

Doe: [Stares rather indignantly]

Harry: I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but I’m so bored I’ll do anything that promises to be remotely stimulating! Silver doe, I am yours to command!

[Harry follows the doe deep, deep, deep into the woods, until at long last he arrives at a frozen lake]

Harry: And at the lake I see a shiny! Ooh! This must be important! Now I must gallantly jump into the water and hope I don’t drown in the process of retrieving the shiny!

[Harry breaks the ice using the wand, strips naked of everything BUT the Horcrux and jumps into the water without hesitation]

Harry: [thinking] Just a bit closer and I’ll have the shiny in my grasp! [Grabs the shiny, which turns out to be Gryffindor’s sword] But—what’s this? It’s the Horcrux! It’s strangling me! Oh, if only I’d removed the damn thing and hidden it before jumping into the water wearing nothing but it around my neck! Now I’m going to die! This is the end! Good-bye, cruel world!

[However, before he can die he’s pulled out of the water by Ron!]

Harry: Ron! It’s you! It’s really you!

Ron: Yes, it’s me. And I’ve helped retrieve the sword. Aren’t I so much manlier now?

Harry: Perhaps. If you can prove your manhood by destroying the Horcrux!

Ron: What?!

[Harry gets dressed, and then they find a nice, flat rock to put the Horcrux on]

Ron: I really think you should reconsider.

Harry: What? Are you not enough of a man to stick a sword inside one little piece of jewelry?

Ron: Well…when you put it like that….

Harry: I’ll just open this thing with Parseltongue, and then you stab it to death! [Harry does thus] Oh, look—it has Tom Rid’s real eyes in it!

Ron: Alright, then. I’ll just stab this fucking thing and we can all go home. Great.

Locket: Oh, pish tosh!

Ron: AAAGH! It can talk!

Harry: Really? After everything that’s happened you’re scared of a talking locket?

Locket: Do you honestly think someone as pathetic as you stands any chance at all of defeating me?!

Ron: I am not pathetic!

Locket: You are so pathetic.

Ron: Am not!

Locket: Are too!

Harry: What are you waiting for?! Stab the damn thing already, don’t argue with it!

Locket: You’re so pathetic your whole family hates you! Even Hermione would rather have Harry than you any day of the week!

Ron: That is so not true! Hermione is my destined wife and we are going to be married and live happily ever after!

Locket: I don’t believe you. In fact, let me show you a scene of Harry and Hermione kissing with every sign of enjoyment to rub in how utterly pathetic you are!

Ron: I’ll pass, thanks.

Locket: And on top of all that? You’re a coward!

Ron: Coward, you say?! How dare you insult me like that! Now you must pay with your life! [Stabs locket with sword] Huh. Did I do that?

Harry: See? I knew you could do it.

Ron: Yes. The one time I get to prove myself useful it’s in a situation you engineered.

Harry: Well it’s still better than nothing, right?

Ron: Say, Harry…Hermione hasn’t decided to leave me for you, has she?

Harry: As if I would ever want someone like her as my wife when I have dear Ginny!

Ron: Oh, good.

[They return to the tent]

Harry: Hermione, Hermione! Ron is back!

Hermione: So it would appear. So, Ron, you’ve decided to mend your cowardly ways of questioning the Chosen One?

Ron: Well, when I realized there was no screen time to be had elsewhere, I knew I had to return.

Hermione: Screen time? That’s the only reason you came back?! You doubt the Chosen One?!

Ron: You’re scaring me.

Hermione: Good. It’s my best quality.

Ron: And we’re supposed to end up married.

Hermione: I’m not looking forward to it any more than you.

Ron: I do have one useful bit of news from the front. Apparently the Death Eaters are now sending out Snatchers to apprehend muggleborns on the run. I ran into a few of them, but they were even stupider than we were and actually believed that I was Stan Shunpike long enough for me to run away.

Hermione: Well…anyway, how exactly did you find us?

Ron: Well, I don’t understand it myself, but I took out my Deluminator and somehow it created a bubble of light that showed me where you were, and then it went into me and transported me to you!

Harry and Hermione: [Snicker]

Ron: What?

Harry and Hermione: [Burst out laughing]

Hermione: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!

Ron: It’s true, I tell you!

Hermione: Wow, the author must be really scraping the barrel.

Ron: Oh, I also have a spare wand, by the way.

Harry: Oh, good! Give it to me, my own wand is history!

Ron: Er…alright, then. Take it. [Hands it over to Harry]

Hermione: I think I’ll give you two some privacy while you play with your wands. [Climbs into bed]