Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 22
Aug. 1st, 2015 06:20 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[They crash-land in a field somewhere]
Ron: I can’t believe that man! To sell Harry to the Death Eaters! Disgusting coward! I can’t believe someone as noble as Luna is related to him!
Hermione: I’m more distracted by the fact that he had an Erumpent horn in his home just to trigger a pointless explosion.
Ron: Well, what can we expect from a stupid, good-for-nothing Ravenclaw?
Hermione: That’s not a very nice thing to say about Luna’s family.
Ron: Speaking of which, what do we think happened to Luna? Do you think she’s locked up in Azkaban? I fear for her safety—it’s not like she’s a True Gryffindor, after all.
Harry: Now, now, she might not be a True Gryffindor but she’s tough in her own way. She never could have been a worthy friend to us Gryffindors if she wasn’t.
Hermione: Well…now that that’s all settled, we’re still no closer to the truth than we were before!
Harry: Maybe we should try searching for the truth beyond?
Hermione: Beyond where?
Harry: You know what I mean.
Ron: Don’t joke about that!
Harry: Well if we assemble all the Deathly Hallows—
Hermione: Harry, the Deathly Hallows are just pretend! For all we know, Lovegood made them up to distract us!
Ron: You saw how upset he was. I don’t think he could have just made them up in an instant like that. Anyway, since when are you any authority on what’s real and what’s not?
Hermione: Since I know everything, of course! There’s no such thing as an unbeatable wand, and there’s no such thing as a stone that can resurrect the dead!
Ron: Well, technically the stone in the story didn’t resurrect the dead per se….
Harry: Why don’t we change the subject? Hermione, did you find out anything about Ignotus Peverell?
Hermione: No, not at all. The only thing I found out about the family was that the name died out long ago. Of course, that doesn’t mean they didn’t have any descendants, just that any they do have would be called something else.
Harry: Aha! That reminds me!
Ron: Of what?
Harry: I met You-Know-Who’s family, see, through Pensieve memories with Dumbledore last year! His grandfather claimed to be related to the Peverells, and he proved it by brandishing a ring with a large stone in the center! Of course! It all makes sense! That stone could have only been the Resurrection Stone from the story!
Hermione: Don’t you think you’re going a bit far?
Harry: No, no, I know this is the truth! I know my cloak is the Invisibility Cloak of Death, and I’m a descendant of Ignotus Peverell, and I’d wager the Resurrection Stone is located within this very Snitch! [Pulls out Golden Snitch] So in conclusion, Tom Rid is after the Elder Wand and I have to find it before he does! [Pause] Of course, it’s hard to imagine that someone like him would be clever enough to know about the Hallows, so he probably just thinks it’s a wand that’ll make him tougher and manlier than he already is.
Hermione: Harry, remember what happened two books ago--?
Harry: Hermione, that’s in the past! I know this is the way forward! The Chosen One always finds the answer in the end!
Hermione: But then why didn’t Dumbledore tell you about it before?!
Harry: Well doubtless he trusted me to figure it out of my own accord!
Hermione: [Sarcastically] Of course, because you’re so skilled at finding things out on your own. [to Ron] Ron, you agree with me, don’t you?
Ron: Well…see…it’s my opinion that…well…these Hallows may or may not be real…but…the Horcruxes should still take priority…because…evil…and it’s what Hermione wants.
Hermione: See, Harry? You’re outnumbered two to one! Ron and I think you’re being ridiculous!
[The next day, they move to the coast]
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Hermione: That’s nice, Harry.
[They continue to move on over the next few days]
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Ron: Whatever.
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Hermione: Later, Harry.
Harry: The Hallows are real, dammit, and it’s my duty and right as the Chosen One to possess them all!
Hermione and Ron: Will you stop saying that?!
Harry: But don’t you want to one-up Death, our lord and master?!
Hermione: Not in particular.
Ron: We want to defeat You-Know-Who.
Harry: Oh, yeah. You-Know-Who. I’m bored. Maybe I should say his name?
Ron: Don’t even think about it.
[One day, Ron acquires a password to tune into the Order’s radio station!]
Lee Jordan: Hello, all you listeners! Welcome to our station, Potterwatch! Giving you all the news not tainted by the views of those awful slimy Death Dealers. I’m your host, Lee Jordan! [Pause] What? What did you say? [Pause] Oh! Oh, I just used my real name, didn’t I?! Never mind, forget I said that! Don’t record that, dammit!
Harry: This radio show doesn’t seem at all secure.
Ron: I know, but it’s the best one we’ve got.
Lee Jordan: Anyway, today I have two regular contributors with me, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin! [Pause] What?! [Pause] Oh, silly me! Did I just use their real names too?! Quick, delete that part!
Harry and Hermione: [Headtable]
Lee Jordan: Anyway, it’s recently come to our attention that there’s been a few deaths among the ranks of side characters, namely Ted Tonks and Dirk Cresswell, as well as a random goblin we don’t care about named Gornuk. Oh, and Dean Thomas and the goblin Griphook have gone missing.
Harry: Oh, no! Ted Tonks was such an integral part of this book! Surely he will be greatly missed!
Lee Jordan: Some muggles we couldn’t be bothered to identify have also been killed, and Bathilda Bagshot’s body has also been discovered, and we think it’s been tampered with. As to how long she’s been dead, we can only speculate.
Harry: Oh, how awful!
Lee Jordan: Anyway, we now turn to our contributor Kings—I mean, Royal, for the latest updates on the muggle home front.
Kingsley: Well…it’s come to my attention…er…that, a number of wizards have taken it upon themselves to help defend muggle friends and neighbors against the Death Eaters. From what I can gather not a single one has asked said muggles’ permission let alone informed them of the situation at hand, but oh well. Oh, and some think we should be putting wizards first. This is shameful, very shameful, and I urge you not to countenance it…more than you already do…if you can avoid it. Thank you!
Ron: Ah, good old Kingsley!
Lee Jordan: Thank you, Kingsle—I mean, Royal, that was very illuminating. And now let’s hear from Lupin—I mean, Romulus!
Lupin: I’m just glad to be here!
Lee Jordan: Now, Luuuuuuuu—Romulus, tell me, do you think Harry Potter is still alive?
Lupin: Considering the books are still going on and we haven’t all fallen into a pit of oblivion, I would say he’s still alive.
Lee Jordan: Oh, good. That saves us the trouble of having to do anything about the war effort.
Lupin: True, true. Harry Potter is the Chosen One, and therefore the only one qualified to do anything at all about this whole mess we’re in. And did I mention he’s always right about everything?
Harry: Oh, Lupin! I know we fought earlier, but now that you recognize that everything I do is right and wonderful and awesome, all is forgiven!
Ron: By the way, Lupin went back to Tonks. Clearly this means they are destined to live happily ever after from now on.
Hermione: Don’t forget to count on Death, our lord and master.
Ron: [Sigh]
Lupin: By the way, it’s recently come to our attention that one Xenophilius Lovegood has been imprisoned. Funny, I didn’t know dirty Ravenclaws could put up any resistance against Death Eaters. Oh, well. Hagrid fell under suspicion recently as well, but he wasn’t taken in. The word on the street, and this is just a rumor, is that the Death Eaters were too busy laughing at the giant spider leg around his neck to take him in.
Lee Jordan: Good, good. Now, let’s bring Fred and George onto the show!
Fred and George: Hooray!
Lee Jordan: What was that? [Pause] Fuck, I used their names too, didn’t it? [Pause] Ah…just…cut this off right here, and pick it up where they start talking! Ahem, anyway, got any updates on You-Know-Who? Last time, you mentioned that as far as anyone can tell, he’s still sitting on his ass, and he’s now developed a taste for East Anglian craft ale and the muggle rock band known as Motörhead.
Kingsley: Yes, evidently he’s been availing himself of muggle entertainment, now. The scandal! I can only imagine what his followers would think if they knew!
George: Of course, with so many rumors it’s hard to know what to believe. But, based on our sources we have good reason to think he’s finally gotten up off his ass, and has left the country. The popular explanation for this is that he’s hoping to go to Germany and Austria to study the looks and behaviors of a muggle dictator named Adolf Hitler, whom he seems to have taken an interest in for no clear reason. I imagine it’d be somewhat difficult for him to fashion himself after a man with a nose and normal-looking eyes but there you go.
Harry: Aha! Doubtless the real reason he’s going abroad is to search for the Elder Wand!
Hermione: You don’t know that!
Fred: Of course, be advised that we don’t actually know this is true; it’s just what we think. Therefore we urge you to remain safe. Yes, we know the Dark Lord is even dumber than we are, but don’t tempt fate!
Lee Jordan: So, that’s about all the time we have. We can’t say when we’ll be on the air next but the password will be Mad-Eye. See you then!
Ron: Wasn’t that cool?
Harry: Yeah, that was cool! I feel like I could just get up and go! I feel like I could fight a whole army of Death Eaters!
Hermione: Harry, don’t get carried away!
Harry: In fact, I think that’s what I’m going to do!
Ron: Harry, what do you mean?!
Harry: If you can hear me, Death Eaters, I’m saying Voldemort’s name this very instant!
Ron and Hermione: Harry, stop!
Harry: Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldie-Voldie-Voldemort! Come and get me, Death Eaters! I’ll show you what the Chosen One can really do!
[There’s movement outside the tent]
Death Eater’s voice: That’s quite enough of that. Come out here right now or else.
Hermione: You little…!
Ron: I can’t believe that man! To sell Harry to the Death Eaters! Disgusting coward! I can’t believe someone as noble as Luna is related to him!
Hermione: I’m more distracted by the fact that he had an Erumpent horn in his home just to trigger a pointless explosion.
Ron: Well, what can we expect from a stupid, good-for-nothing Ravenclaw?
Hermione: That’s not a very nice thing to say about Luna’s family.
Ron: Speaking of which, what do we think happened to Luna? Do you think she’s locked up in Azkaban? I fear for her safety—it’s not like she’s a True Gryffindor, after all.
Harry: Now, now, she might not be a True Gryffindor but she’s tough in her own way. She never could have been a worthy friend to us Gryffindors if she wasn’t.
Hermione: Well…now that that’s all settled, we’re still no closer to the truth than we were before!
Harry: Maybe we should try searching for the truth beyond?
Hermione: Beyond where?
Harry: You know what I mean.
Ron: Don’t joke about that!
Harry: Well if we assemble all the Deathly Hallows—
Hermione: Harry, the Deathly Hallows are just pretend! For all we know, Lovegood made them up to distract us!
Ron: You saw how upset he was. I don’t think he could have just made them up in an instant like that. Anyway, since when are you any authority on what’s real and what’s not?
Hermione: Since I know everything, of course! There’s no such thing as an unbeatable wand, and there’s no such thing as a stone that can resurrect the dead!
Ron: Well, technically the stone in the story didn’t resurrect the dead per se….
Harry: Why don’t we change the subject? Hermione, did you find out anything about Ignotus Peverell?
Hermione: No, not at all. The only thing I found out about the family was that the name died out long ago. Of course, that doesn’t mean they didn’t have any descendants, just that any they do have would be called something else.
Harry: Aha! That reminds me!
Ron: Of what?
Harry: I met You-Know-Who’s family, see, through Pensieve memories with Dumbledore last year! His grandfather claimed to be related to the Peverells, and he proved it by brandishing a ring with a large stone in the center! Of course! It all makes sense! That stone could have only been the Resurrection Stone from the story!
Hermione: Don’t you think you’re going a bit far?
Harry: No, no, I know this is the truth! I know my cloak is the Invisibility Cloak of Death, and I’m a descendant of Ignotus Peverell, and I’d wager the Resurrection Stone is located within this very Snitch! [Pulls out Golden Snitch] So in conclusion, Tom Rid is after the Elder Wand and I have to find it before he does! [Pause] Of course, it’s hard to imagine that someone like him would be clever enough to know about the Hallows, so he probably just thinks it’s a wand that’ll make him tougher and manlier than he already is.
Hermione: Harry, remember what happened two books ago--?
Harry: Hermione, that’s in the past! I know this is the way forward! The Chosen One always finds the answer in the end!
Hermione: But then why didn’t Dumbledore tell you about it before?!
Harry: Well doubtless he trusted me to figure it out of my own accord!
Hermione: [Sarcastically] Of course, because you’re so skilled at finding things out on your own. [to Ron] Ron, you agree with me, don’t you?
Ron: Well…see…it’s my opinion that…well…these Hallows may or may not be real…but…the Horcruxes should still take priority…because…evil…and it’s what Hermione wants.
Hermione: See, Harry? You’re outnumbered two to one! Ron and I think you’re being ridiculous!
[The next day, they move to the coast]
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Hermione: That’s nice, Harry.
[They continue to move on over the next few days]
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Ron: Whatever.
Harry: The Hallows are real and we ought to be looking for them.
Hermione: Later, Harry.
Harry: The Hallows are real, dammit, and it’s my duty and right as the Chosen One to possess them all!
Hermione and Ron: Will you stop saying that?!
Harry: But don’t you want to one-up Death, our lord and master?!
Hermione: Not in particular.
Ron: We want to defeat You-Know-Who.
Harry: Oh, yeah. You-Know-Who. I’m bored. Maybe I should say his name?
Ron: Don’t even think about it.
[One day, Ron acquires a password to tune into the Order’s radio station!]
Lee Jordan: Hello, all you listeners! Welcome to our station, Potterwatch! Giving you all the news not tainted by the views of those awful slimy Death Dealers. I’m your host, Lee Jordan! [Pause] What? What did you say? [Pause] Oh! Oh, I just used my real name, didn’t I?! Never mind, forget I said that! Don’t record that, dammit!
Harry: This radio show doesn’t seem at all secure.
Ron: I know, but it’s the best one we’ve got.
Lee Jordan: Anyway, today I have two regular contributors with me, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin! [Pause] What?! [Pause] Oh, silly me! Did I just use their real names too?! Quick, delete that part!
Harry and Hermione: [Headtable]
Lee Jordan: Anyway, it’s recently come to our attention that there’s been a few deaths among the ranks of side characters, namely Ted Tonks and Dirk Cresswell, as well as a random goblin we don’t care about named Gornuk. Oh, and Dean Thomas and the goblin Griphook have gone missing.
Harry: Oh, no! Ted Tonks was such an integral part of this book! Surely he will be greatly missed!
Lee Jordan: Some muggles we couldn’t be bothered to identify have also been killed, and Bathilda Bagshot’s body has also been discovered, and we think it’s been tampered with. As to how long she’s been dead, we can only speculate.
Harry: Oh, how awful!
Lee Jordan: Anyway, we now turn to our contributor Kings—I mean, Royal, for the latest updates on the muggle home front.
Kingsley: Well…it’s come to my attention…er…that, a number of wizards have taken it upon themselves to help defend muggle friends and neighbors against the Death Eaters. From what I can gather not a single one has asked said muggles’ permission let alone informed them of the situation at hand, but oh well. Oh, and some think we should be putting wizards first. This is shameful, very shameful, and I urge you not to countenance it…more than you already do…if you can avoid it. Thank you!
Ron: Ah, good old Kingsley!
Lee Jordan: Thank you, Kingsle—I mean, Royal, that was very illuminating. And now let’s hear from Lupin—I mean, Romulus!
Lupin: I’m just glad to be here!
Lee Jordan: Now, Luuuuuuuu—Romulus, tell me, do you think Harry Potter is still alive?
Lupin: Considering the books are still going on and we haven’t all fallen into a pit of oblivion, I would say he’s still alive.
Lee Jordan: Oh, good. That saves us the trouble of having to do anything about the war effort.
Lupin: True, true. Harry Potter is the Chosen One, and therefore the only one qualified to do anything at all about this whole mess we’re in. And did I mention he’s always right about everything?
Harry: Oh, Lupin! I know we fought earlier, but now that you recognize that everything I do is right and wonderful and awesome, all is forgiven!
Ron: By the way, Lupin went back to Tonks. Clearly this means they are destined to live happily ever after from now on.
Hermione: Don’t forget to count on Death, our lord and master.
Ron: [Sigh]
Lupin: By the way, it’s recently come to our attention that one Xenophilius Lovegood has been imprisoned. Funny, I didn’t know dirty Ravenclaws could put up any resistance against Death Eaters. Oh, well. Hagrid fell under suspicion recently as well, but he wasn’t taken in. The word on the street, and this is just a rumor, is that the Death Eaters were too busy laughing at the giant spider leg around his neck to take him in.
Lee Jordan: Good, good. Now, let’s bring Fred and George onto the show!
Fred and George: Hooray!
Lee Jordan: What was that? [Pause] Fuck, I used their names too, didn’t it? [Pause] Ah…just…cut this off right here, and pick it up where they start talking! Ahem, anyway, got any updates on You-Know-Who? Last time, you mentioned that as far as anyone can tell, he’s still sitting on his ass, and he’s now developed a taste for East Anglian craft ale and the muggle rock band known as Motörhead.
Kingsley: Yes, evidently he’s been availing himself of muggle entertainment, now. The scandal! I can only imagine what his followers would think if they knew!
George: Of course, with so many rumors it’s hard to know what to believe. But, based on our sources we have good reason to think he’s finally gotten up off his ass, and has left the country. The popular explanation for this is that he’s hoping to go to Germany and Austria to study the looks and behaviors of a muggle dictator named Adolf Hitler, whom he seems to have taken an interest in for no clear reason. I imagine it’d be somewhat difficult for him to fashion himself after a man with a nose and normal-looking eyes but there you go.
Harry: Aha! Doubtless the real reason he’s going abroad is to search for the Elder Wand!
Hermione: You don’t know that!
Fred: Of course, be advised that we don’t actually know this is true; it’s just what we think. Therefore we urge you to remain safe. Yes, we know the Dark Lord is even dumber than we are, but don’t tempt fate!
Lee Jordan: So, that’s about all the time we have. We can’t say when we’ll be on the air next but the password will be Mad-Eye. See you then!
Ron: Wasn’t that cool?
Harry: Yeah, that was cool! I feel like I could just get up and go! I feel like I could fight a whole army of Death Eaters!
Hermione: Harry, don’t get carried away!
Harry: In fact, I think that’s what I’m going to do!
Ron: Harry, what do you mean?!
Harry: If you can hear me, Death Eaters, I’m saying Voldemort’s name this very instant!
Ron and Hermione: Harry, stop!
Harry: Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldie-Voldie-Voldemort! Come and get me, Death Eaters! I’ll show you what the Chosen One can really do!
[There’s movement outside the tent]
Death Eater’s voice: That’s quite enough of that. Come out here right now or else.
Hermione: You little…!
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 07:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 04:12 pm (UTC)I do believe it was terri who once called them "f*cking Quislings, all," wasn't it?
I have to agree. I mean, wtf even was the *point* of the Order, going by what they *do*?
no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 08:12 pm (UTC)Oh god, I remember the first time I read that I was cringing so bad. The aliases are so obvious a four year old could figure them out!