Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 25
Aug. 15th, 2015 08:06 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Harry and co. spend the next few days at Shell Cottage with Bill and Fleur]
Harry: I, like, can’t believe I decided not to race You-Know-Who to the Elder Wand! This might well be the first time—this book—that I didn’t act on a lead at once!
Ron: Yeah, Harry. That was a dumb idea.
Harry: You don’t have to remind me every second!
Ron: You know, I wonder if Dumbledore’s really dead.
Hermione: What? You honestly think he’s managed to circumvent or cheat Death, our lord and master? But nobody can do that!
Ron: Think about it: if anyone at all could, it’d be him.
Hermione: But nobody caaaaaan!
Ron: Hermione, you always say that. Who made you the arbiter of what was possible and what wasn’t?
Hermione: You sound like Luna.
Ron: Well you were never the nicest to Luna.
[Just then, Fleur interrupts]
Fleur: Harry, Harry! Griphook was asking for you!
Harry: Oh, good!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to see Griphook]
Harry: So, you’ve decided to help me?
Griphook: Well, yes.
Harry: Oh, good. I knew you’d come around and see the light eventually—
Griphook: On one condition.
Harry: You intend to hold me to a condition? [Shudder]
Griphook: As a matter of fact, yes.
Harry: Well, I’m desperate by now. What is this condition?
Griphook: I want the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: Well you can’t have the Sword of Gryffindor. I’m the Chosen One; therefore it’s rightfully mine.
Griphook: Yours?!
Ron: And anyway, didn’t the sword belong to Gryffindor himself originally?
Griphook: No! That it did not! It belonged to the goblins until he came and took it from us and never gave it back!
Harry: Er…we’ll have to talk about this.
Griphook: [glumly] Oh, I see how it is.
[But he lets Harry, Ron, and Hermione go outside the room to talk]
Ron: I say we don’t give him the sword. We need it a lot more than he does!
Hermione: Well, he might well be telling the truth that the sword was stolen. There’s no account of it, but it wouldn’t exactly be out of character for wizards.
Harry: But for Gryffindor, the ancestor of all that is right and good in the world, the one who put that evil, nasty genocidal racist Slytherin in his place, to do something like that…!
Ron: Well…we could tell him we’ll give it to him after we get to Gringotts. And then just not give it to him.
Hermione: You really think trying to double-cross him would work?
Ron: What, are you suggesting that we, I dunno, treat him with respect?! The horror! He’s clearly a lesser being!
Hermione: [Headwall]
Harry: Well, for all we know Griphook is lying.
Hermione: Really? You’re going with that?
Harry: Why on earth should we consider that miserable goblin’s side of the story anyway? There’s plenty of Hogwarts students and staff whose side of things we’ve gleefully ignored over the years, and they’re humans just like we are!
Ron: You do have a point there.
Harry: I had an idea!
Ron: What kind of idea?
Harry: Why don’t I say he can have the sword, but not when he can have the sword? We’ll keep it until we’ve used it to destroy all the Horcruxes, and then, and ONLY then, we’ll give it back to him!
Hermione: But we don’t even know how long that will take!
Harry: Well, this book is more than half over by now, so it can’t be that long.
Ron: Let’s just go back to Griphook. It’s the best plan we have right now.
[So they return to Griphook]
Harry: Alright, so, er, I’ve decided to let you have the sword after all.]
Griphook: Will you shake on it?
Harry: Well…
Griphook: Come on, shake. [Holds out hand]
Harry: …
Griphook: Shake. Shake! Shaaaaake.
Harry: [Shakes Griphook’s hand]
Griphook: Good boy.
[They spend the next few weeks planning how to break into Gringotts. The other members of the house see them only at meals]
Harry: Griphook, I’m surprised you eat the same food as the rest of us.
Griphook: Why not? It’s perfectly palatable—although it doesn’t have nearly the right kinds of flavoring….
Harry: Well…you’re a goblin. Shouldn’t you be eating raw meat and toadstools?
Griphook: [Smacks Harry] I eat what I please.
Harry: So, ah…how about the fact that wizards are almost certainly going to get hurt on our mission?
Griphook: How about the fact that wizards might get hurt?
Harry: Aren’t you thrilled to see us in pain?
Griphook: Not especially. Truthfully I wish they’d just leave us alone.
Harry: Huh. You’re a lot less ruthless than I thought you would be.
Griphook: Oh, were you hoping you’d be able to come up with some sort of excuse for betraying or double-crossing me?
Harry: [Sweating] No, that’s not it at all! Really! Ahahahahaha! Silly paranoid goblin!
Griphook: [Smacks Harry]
[One day, as everyone sits down at dinner, Lupin arrives!]
Bill: Ah, Lupin! To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?
Lupin: Well, you see, Tonks just had a baby, and we decided to name him Ted, after her father, and also make Harry his godfather. That way if we die horribly at some point in the near future we’ll at least know that his godfather will live on to take care of him.
Harry: Hey, you don’t know that I’ll still be alive at the end of this series!
Lupin: Well, we figured the odds were most in your favor out of any cast members.
Harry: They are? I, I mean, they are! Of course! Ahahahaha!
[After Lupin leaves, Bill calls Harry aside]
Bill: So, anyway, I know you and Griphook are plotting something.
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Bill: Did he, by any chance, ask for something as payment?
Harry: Come to think of it, yes. He asked for the Sword of Gryffindor. I can’t imagine why he would want it—
Bill: Yeah, about that. See, goblins consider the person who makes an object to be the owner of it. If something is made by goblins they view it as rightfully theirs. They don’t take kindly to wizards passing goblin-made items around amongst themselves.
Harry: What? That’s dumb!
Bill: That kind of attitude is precisely what Griphook is afraid of.
Harry: What?! But I’m the Chosen One! I love all creatures! There can’t possibly be anything wrong with how I’m treating Griphook!
Bill: Look, just don’t upset Griphook, alright?! You will definitely regret it if you do!
Harry: Well…I will certainly try. Can we go back to dinner now?
Bill: I suppose so.
[So they return to dinner]
Harry: I, like, can’t believe I decided not to race You-Know-Who to the Elder Wand! This might well be the first time—this book—that I didn’t act on a lead at once!
Ron: Yeah, Harry. That was a dumb idea.
Harry: You don’t have to remind me every second!
Ron: You know, I wonder if Dumbledore’s really dead.
Hermione: What? You honestly think he’s managed to circumvent or cheat Death, our lord and master? But nobody can do that!
Ron: Think about it: if anyone at all could, it’d be him.
Hermione: But nobody caaaaaan!
Ron: Hermione, you always say that. Who made you the arbiter of what was possible and what wasn’t?
Hermione: You sound like Luna.
Ron: Well you were never the nicest to Luna.
[Just then, Fleur interrupts]
Fleur: Harry, Harry! Griphook was asking for you!
Harry: Oh, good!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to see Griphook]
Harry: So, you’ve decided to help me?
Griphook: Well, yes.
Harry: Oh, good. I knew you’d come around and see the light eventually—
Griphook: On one condition.
Harry: You intend to hold me to a condition? [Shudder]
Griphook: As a matter of fact, yes.
Harry: Well, I’m desperate by now. What is this condition?
Griphook: I want the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: Well you can’t have the Sword of Gryffindor. I’m the Chosen One; therefore it’s rightfully mine.
Griphook: Yours?!
Ron: And anyway, didn’t the sword belong to Gryffindor himself originally?
Griphook: No! That it did not! It belonged to the goblins until he came and took it from us and never gave it back!
Harry: Er…we’ll have to talk about this.
Griphook: [glumly] Oh, I see how it is.
[But he lets Harry, Ron, and Hermione go outside the room to talk]
Ron: I say we don’t give him the sword. We need it a lot more than he does!
Hermione: Well, he might well be telling the truth that the sword was stolen. There’s no account of it, but it wouldn’t exactly be out of character for wizards.
Harry: But for Gryffindor, the ancestor of all that is right and good in the world, the one who put that evil, nasty genocidal racist Slytherin in his place, to do something like that…!
Ron: Well…we could tell him we’ll give it to him after we get to Gringotts. And then just not give it to him.
Hermione: You really think trying to double-cross him would work?
Ron: What, are you suggesting that we, I dunno, treat him with respect?! The horror! He’s clearly a lesser being!
Hermione: [Headwall]
Harry: Well, for all we know Griphook is lying.
Hermione: Really? You’re going with that?
Harry: Why on earth should we consider that miserable goblin’s side of the story anyway? There’s plenty of Hogwarts students and staff whose side of things we’ve gleefully ignored over the years, and they’re humans just like we are!
Ron: You do have a point there.
Harry: I had an idea!
Ron: What kind of idea?
Harry: Why don’t I say he can have the sword, but not when he can have the sword? We’ll keep it until we’ve used it to destroy all the Horcruxes, and then, and ONLY then, we’ll give it back to him!
Hermione: But we don’t even know how long that will take!
Harry: Well, this book is more than half over by now, so it can’t be that long.
Ron: Let’s just go back to Griphook. It’s the best plan we have right now.
[So they return to Griphook]
Harry: Alright, so, er, I’ve decided to let you have the sword after all.]
Griphook: Will you shake on it?
Harry: Well…
Griphook: Come on, shake. [Holds out hand]
Harry: …
Griphook: Shake. Shake! Shaaaaake.
Harry: [Shakes Griphook’s hand]
Griphook: Good boy.
[They spend the next few weeks planning how to break into Gringotts. The other members of the house see them only at meals]
Harry: Griphook, I’m surprised you eat the same food as the rest of us.
Griphook: Why not? It’s perfectly palatable—although it doesn’t have nearly the right kinds of flavoring….
Harry: Well…you’re a goblin. Shouldn’t you be eating raw meat and toadstools?
Griphook: [Smacks Harry] I eat what I please.
Harry: So, ah…how about the fact that wizards are almost certainly going to get hurt on our mission?
Griphook: How about the fact that wizards might get hurt?
Harry: Aren’t you thrilled to see us in pain?
Griphook: Not especially. Truthfully I wish they’d just leave us alone.
Harry: Huh. You’re a lot less ruthless than I thought you would be.
Griphook: Oh, were you hoping you’d be able to come up with some sort of excuse for betraying or double-crossing me?
Harry: [Sweating] No, that’s not it at all! Really! Ahahahahaha! Silly paranoid goblin!
Griphook: [Smacks Harry]
[One day, as everyone sits down at dinner, Lupin arrives!]
Bill: Ah, Lupin! To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?
Lupin: Well, you see, Tonks just had a baby, and we decided to name him Ted, after her father, and also make Harry his godfather. That way if we die horribly at some point in the near future we’ll at least know that his godfather will live on to take care of him.
Harry: Hey, you don’t know that I’ll still be alive at the end of this series!
Lupin: Well, we figured the odds were most in your favor out of any cast members.
Harry: They are? I, I mean, they are! Of course! Ahahahaha!
[After Lupin leaves, Bill calls Harry aside]
Bill: So, anyway, I know you and Griphook are plotting something.
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Bill: Did he, by any chance, ask for something as payment?
Harry: Come to think of it, yes. He asked for the Sword of Gryffindor. I can’t imagine why he would want it—
Bill: Yeah, about that. See, goblins consider the person who makes an object to be the owner of it. If something is made by goblins they view it as rightfully theirs. They don’t take kindly to wizards passing goblin-made items around amongst themselves.
Harry: What? That’s dumb!
Bill: That kind of attitude is precisely what Griphook is afraid of.
Harry: What?! But I’m the Chosen One! I love all creatures! There can’t possibly be anything wrong with how I’m treating Griphook!
Bill: Look, just don’t upset Griphook, alright?! You will definitely regret it if you do!
Harry: Well…I will certainly try. Can we go back to dinner now?
Bill: I suppose so.
[So they return to dinner]
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-16 01:07 am (UTC)Harry: I, like, can’t believe I decided not to race You-Know-Who to the Elder Wand! This might well be the first time—this book—that I didn’t act on a lead at once!
Headdesk. This book omg.
Lupin: Well, you see, Tonks just had a baby, and we decided to name him Ted, after her father, and also make Harry his godfather. That way if we die horribly at some point in the near future we’ll at least know that his godfather will live on to take care of him.
Harry: Hey, you don’t know that I’ll still be alive at the end of this series!
Lupin: Well, we figured the odds were most in your favor out of any cast members.
Maybe Lupin got hold of the previous books and realized that Harry's name is on them, heh?
Though Dumbledore the Exposition Chief would have been a close second.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-16 03:47 am (UTC)Yeah, right, whatever you say.
(Pay no attention to the time when he wasn't studying for 2nd Task, and most damningly NOT EMPTYING YOUR F@&KING MIND BEFORE SLEEP IN YEAR 5. If Voldemort had actual supervillain smarts like, say, Lex Luthor, he'd try to remote-control Harry's brain so that it fries himself and he'd be a vegetable and much easier to kill, cuz he'd just have to take out the Guard and Harry would most definitely not be defending himself. V could capture Harry and put him in a jar in his room, even if he's wary of AKing him again and had to go down the Elder Wand route, because then at least Harry won't be actively destroying *him*.)
no subject
Date: 2015-08-19 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-21 03:09 pm (UTC)