Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 28
Aug. 20th, 2015 10:51 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockSince Chapter 27 is so short, I decided to also post Chapter 28.
[No sooner do the Trio arrive in Hogsmeade than they’re interrupted by a loud wailing!]
Harry: Oh, no! Now the Death Eaters will know we’re here!
[Sure enough, Death Eaters and Dementors show up almost immediately!]
Harry: Well, I refuse to allow myself to be kissed by the Dementors so…Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s stag appears and wards off the Dementors, but attracts the attention of the Death Eaters]
Harry: No! They can’t catch me while I’m in this state!
[But just then…]
Old man’s voice: Come with me.
[So Harry obeys, and follows the direction of the voice into the Hog’s Head and up a flight of stairs just as some Death Eaters arrive at the door]
Old man: What do you Death Eaters want?
Death Eaters: Yeah, we just saw Harry Potter’s patronus around here, and we think he went inside.
Old man: Harry Potter? That was my patronus you saw.
Death Eaters: Is your patronus a stag, then?
Old man: No, it was a goat, but close enough.
Death Eaters: Oh. Alright, then….
Old man: Good night! [Slams door]
[Once the Death Eaters are gone, Harry draws the curtains on the window upstairs and then he, Ron, and Hermione reveal themselves]
Old man: Might I ask what in the hell you motherfuckers thought you were doing?
Harry: You know, you remind me of my angel Dumbledore. I wonder why that is?
Old man: It’s because I’m his brother, Aberforth.
Harry: Oh, Aberforth! You’re real!
Aberforth: Yes, I’m real. I’ve even got a magic mirror that I can use to communicate. Some idiot named Mundungus sold it to me.
Harry: Aha! So it was you who sent Dobby to us!
Aberforth: Oh, yes, it was. What ever became of him?
Harry: Alas and alack, he’s dead! Deeeeeeead! Sacrificed on the altar of plot and melodrama!
Aberforth: I suspected as much.
Ron: Say, do you have any food? I’m hungry.
Aberforth: Yeah, I can get you some food. [Produces bread and cheese, which he distributes] Anyway, if you stay the night you’ll be able to leave the next morning and get to safety.
Harry: Safety?! I’m the Chosen One, a True Gryffindor to my very core! Safety isn’t a word in my vocabulary! I can’t even spell the word safety!
Ron: Unfortunately he’s not lying. I checked.
Aberforth: And just what do you intend to do?
Harry: Oh, go to Hogwarts, defeat You-Know-Who, all that kind of thing. Just as your brother wanted!
Aberforth: That was your first mistake!
Harry: [innocently] What was?
Aberforth: Doing something just because my brother wanted it done.
Harry: What?! You dare to imply that my angel Dumbledore might not have known what was best for me?!
Aberforth: You dare to imply that you know my own brother better than I did?
Harry: Oh. I never thought of it that way.
Aberforth: Just think about the logic, please.
Harry: What’s logic?
Aberforth: [Buries face in hands] Think about it this way: do you honestly think that, whatever it was my brother wanted you to do, someone of your age and skill level was qualified to execute it competently?
Harry: Well….
Aberforth: And did my brother even bother to ensure that you had the tools you needed to get the job done?
Harry: Yeaaaaaaaaa—no.
Aberforth: Exactly my point. Think about that.
Hermione: Aberforth, Aberforth!
Aberforth: Yes, young lady?
Hermione: Is that girl on the wall your sister?
Aberforth: Yes, she is. But one thing at a time.
Harry: I just don’t understand. Dumbledore was nice to me. How could he possibly be wrong about anything?
Aberforth: Are you honestly so blind that you think just being nice to you makes someone a good person?
Harry: Well, I am the Chosen One—that does sort of imply that the world revolves around me.
Aberforth: Enough with this “Chosen One” nonsense!
Harry: But it’s truuuuuuuuuuue!
Hermione: Now really, Aberforth, Dumbledore was very fond of Harry.
Aberforth: Oh, please. Do you want to know how hard it was to grow up with Dumbledore as a brother?!
Harry: Not really.
Aberforth: Well, too bad! It’s time for me, Aberforth Dumbledore, to emerge from the shadows and tell you my horrible, tortured backstory! You see, when Ariana was a little girl she was viciously attacked by some muggle boys, and ended up falling very ill and losing control of her magic. She would have magical accidents, and I was the only one who could calm her down. My brother never bothered about her.
Harry: Inconceivable!
Aberforth: But wait: it gets worse! My mother eventually died during one of Ariana’s accidents when she was about fourteen. My brother was the one who ultimately decided to take care of her.
Harry: See? That was good of him.
Aberforth: Just you wait! That arrangement only lasted until HE came along!
Harry: He?
Aberforth: Gellert Grindlewald! He was the only one my brother ever thought of as an equal, and he loved him, or perhaps his ideals, so much that I just know he neglected Ariana to spend more time with him! Eventually I confronted him, and then we all started fighting, and somehow Ariana ended up dead.
Harry: Somehow?
Aberforth: Yeah, somehow. I didn’t see how or why she ended up dead—she just did. Just like that. And after that Grindlewald ran away and so did Albus. Just like that.
Harry: Well…at least he did it for the greater good?
Aberforth: Evidently the greater good didn’t involve either my sister or you staying alive.
Harry: But so what? Giving up your life for the greater good is the highest cause imaginable! A free ticket to fantasy-heaven by martyrdom-junction!
Aberforth: Do you even realize how awful that sounds?! You say that but you don’t mean it!
Harry: I do too mean it! For the greater good, I would do anything! I would dance the polka with Death, our lord and master if it meant destroying the evilest Dark Lord in the history of evil Dark Lords!
Aberforth: Dance the polka with Death, our lord and master? That’s a new one. Alright, I’m convinced. I’ll help you. All the known secret passageways are guarded, but there’s still one way in, and that’s through my portrait.
Harry: Hooray! You’re almost as awesome as your brother!
Aberforth: I’m ignoring you. [to Ariana] Alright, he’s ready.
[Ariana disappears into her portrait and reemerges with Neville!]
[No sooner do the Trio arrive in Hogsmeade than they’re interrupted by a loud wailing!]
Harry: Oh, no! Now the Death Eaters will know we’re here!
[Sure enough, Death Eaters and Dementors show up almost immediately!]
Harry: Well, I refuse to allow myself to be kissed by the Dementors so…Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s stag appears and wards off the Dementors, but attracts the attention of the Death Eaters]
Harry: No! They can’t catch me while I’m in this state!
[But just then…]
Old man’s voice: Come with me.
[So Harry obeys, and follows the direction of the voice into the Hog’s Head and up a flight of stairs just as some Death Eaters arrive at the door]
Old man: What do you Death Eaters want?
Death Eaters: Yeah, we just saw Harry Potter’s patronus around here, and we think he went inside.
Old man: Harry Potter? That was my patronus you saw.
Death Eaters: Is your patronus a stag, then?
Old man: No, it was a goat, but close enough.
Death Eaters: Oh. Alright, then….
Old man: Good night! [Slams door]
[Once the Death Eaters are gone, Harry draws the curtains on the window upstairs and then he, Ron, and Hermione reveal themselves]
Old man: Might I ask what in the hell you motherfuckers thought you were doing?
Harry: You know, you remind me of my angel Dumbledore. I wonder why that is?
Old man: It’s because I’m his brother, Aberforth.
Harry: Oh, Aberforth! You’re real!
Aberforth: Yes, I’m real. I’ve even got a magic mirror that I can use to communicate. Some idiot named Mundungus sold it to me.
Harry: Aha! So it was you who sent Dobby to us!
Aberforth: Oh, yes, it was. What ever became of him?
Harry: Alas and alack, he’s dead! Deeeeeeead! Sacrificed on the altar of plot and melodrama!
Aberforth: I suspected as much.
Ron: Say, do you have any food? I’m hungry.
Aberforth: Yeah, I can get you some food. [Produces bread and cheese, which he distributes] Anyway, if you stay the night you’ll be able to leave the next morning and get to safety.
Harry: Safety?! I’m the Chosen One, a True Gryffindor to my very core! Safety isn’t a word in my vocabulary! I can’t even spell the word safety!
Ron: Unfortunately he’s not lying. I checked.
Aberforth: And just what do you intend to do?
Harry: Oh, go to Hogwarts, defeat You-Know-Who, all that kind of thing. Just as your brother wanted!
Aberforth: That was your first mistake!
Harry: [innocently] What was?
Aberforth: Doing something just because my brother wanted it done.
Harry: What?! You dare to imply that my angel Dumbledore might not have known what was best for me?!
Aberforth: You dare to imply that you know my own brother better than I did?
Harry: Oh. I never thought of it that way.
Aberforth: Just think about the logic, please.
Harry: What’s logic?
Aberforth: [Buries face in hands] Think about it this way: do you honestly think that, whatever it was my brother wanted you to do, someone of your age and skill level was qualified to execute it competently?
Harry: Well….
Aberforth: And did my brother even bother to ensure that you had the tools you needed to get the job done?
Harry: Yeaaaaaaaaa—no.
Aberforth: Exactly my point. Think about that.
Hermione: Aberforth, Aberforth!
Aberforth: Yes, young lady?
Hermione: Is that girl on the wall your sister?
Aberforth: Yes, she is. But one thing at a time.
Harry: I just don’t understand. Dumbledore was nice to me. How could he possibly be wrong about anything?
Aberforth: Are you honestly so blind that you think just being nice to you makes someone a good person?
Harry: Well, I am the Chosen One—that does sort of imply that the world revolves around me.
Aberforth: Enough with this “Chosen One” nonsense!
Harry: But it’s truuuuuuuuuuue!
Hermione: Now really, Aberforth, Dumbledore was very fond of Harry.
Aberforth: Oh, please. Do you want to know how hard it was to grow up with Dumbledore as a brother?!
Harry: Not really.
Aberforth: Well, too bad! It’s time for me, Aberforth Dumbledore, to emerge from the shadows and tell you my horrible, tortured backstory! You see, when Ariana was a little girl she was viciously attacked by some muggle boys, and ended up falling very ill and losing control of her magic. She would have magical accidents, and I was the only one who could calm her down. My brother never bothered about her.
Harry: Inconceivable!
Aberforth: But wait: it gets worse! My mother eventually died during one of Ariana’s accidents when she was about fourteen. My brother was the one who ultimately decided to take care of her.
Harry: See? That was good of him.
Aberforth: Just you wait! That arrangement only lasted until HE came along!
Harry: He?
Aberforth: Gellert Grindlewald! He was the only one my brother ever thought of as an equal, and he loved him, or perhaps his ideals, so much that I just know he neglected Ariana to spend more time with him! Eventually I confronted him, and then we all started fighting, and somehow Ariana ended up dead.
Harry: Somehow?
Aberforth: Yeah, somehow. I didn’t see how or why she ended up dead—she just did. Just like that. And after that Grindlewald ran away and so did Albus. Just like that.
Harry: Well…at least he did it for the greater good?
Aberforth: Evidently the greater good didn’t involve either my sister or you staying alive.
Harry: But so what? Giving up your life for the greater good is the highest cause imaginable! A free ticket to fantasy-heaven by martyrdom-junction!
Aberforth: Do you even realize how awful that sounds?! You say that but you don’t mean it!
Harry: I do too mean it! For the greater good, I would do anything! I would dance the polka with Death, our lord and master if it meant destroying the evilest Dark Lord in the history of evil Dark Lords!
Aberforth: Dance the polka with Death, our lord and master? That’s a new one. Alright, I’m convinced. I’ll help you. All the known secret passageways are guarded, but there’s still one way in, and that’s through my portrait.
Harry: Hooray! You’re almost as awesome as your brother!
Aberforth: I’m ignoring you. [to Ariana] Alright, he’s ready.
[Ariana disappears into her portrait and reemerges with Neville!]
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-20 03:31 pm (UTC)I cackled.
Aberforth: [Buries face in hands] Think about it this way: do you honestly think that, whatever it was my brother wanted you to do, someone of your age and skill level was qualified to execute it competently?
Severus Snape: *drops into a chair with a sigh* FINALLY. I hate being the only one with brains around here. Nobody listens to you.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-21 08:44 am (UTC)Have the direct link to Voldemort's mind (and not be misled or bran-fried in return);
Have so much LOVE he could choke on it;
Have the deus ex machina wandlore bullsh*t work for him in the end.