Harry Potter Abridged! Cursed Child Part 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Somehow, Albus manages to survive his first year at Hogwarts. At the start of second year…]

Harry: Albus, I’m concerned. It doesn’t seem like you have many friends other than that Malfoy boy.

Albus: It’s not my fault! My brother and Rose won’t ever let them forget the time I added Kudzu leaf to that one potion instead of adding Kudzu root, and--!

Harry: Come now, Albus, what do you care what your brother thinks?

Albus: He told the entire school about it! Every time I make a mistake in class or events Rose tells him and he tells the entire school! They all think I’m the stupidest person alive!

Harry: [to self] But is he stupider even than Voldemort and me? [to Albus] Be that as it may, there must be someone who’ll be friends with you? Someone…not in Slytherin, perhaps?

Albus: Well I tried talking to a few Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, but they all ignored me. Either they believe my brother’s stories about me or they just have their own friends and don’t need any more.

Harry: [to self] Wow, if he’s lowering himself to talking to Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws he must be really desperate. [to Albus] Well…at least there’s a new crop of students this year who don’t know about your mishaps. Maybe you’ll make some new friends then.

Albus: You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.

Harry: Do I? Oh, silly me!

[Meanwhile, Rose is talking to her family]

Rose: And, like, I’m totally the best in my class, and I’m a Quidditch star already and everything! Aren’t you proud of me?!

Ron: Yes, we’re very proud of you, sweetheart.

Scorpius: I just notice that Rose is kind of cute.

Albus: Give it up. Her parents will never let her marry a Slytherin. They’ll find a more suitable mate for her—like my older brother, for instance.

Scorpius: What a shame.

Albus: Anyway, why would you want her when you have me?

Scorpius: Oh, Albus, you’re my best friend and I know how much you love me!

Albus: Oh Scorpius!

Scorpius: Oh Albus!

Rose: Ah…I hope I’m not interrupting anything?

[They board the train.]

[Meanwhile, in Harry’s office…]

Draco: Knock, knock!

Harry: Draco! What do you want?! [Removes glasses] Care for some hot lovin’?

Draco: No, not now! I’m here strictly on business.

Harry: And what does your business have to do with me?

Draco: It’s about my son. I assume you’ve heard the rumors.

Harry: What rumors?

Draco: The rumors that my son is not mine, but instead belongs to Voldemort.

Harry: Your son?! The son of Voldemort?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! [Falls out of chair, overtaken by spasms of laughter]

Draco: This is no laughing matter! My son is being bullied because people think he’s the son of Voldemort!

Harry: [Picks himself up] I don’t believe that. Nobody is that stupid. Even I’m not that stupid!

Draco: Apparently some people are!

Harry: How would Voldemort even have been there at the time!? He would have been dead for years! And last I checked all the time turners were destroyed during the past war!

Draco: Do you think it’s possible that one of them survived?

Harry: But a time turner that would allow your wife to transport herself to a time when Voldemort was alive and convince him to…well…?!

Draco: It does seem absurd. But then stranger things have happened.

Harry: Now that you mention it, I have been getting a bad feeling lately.

Draco: Oh dear.

[Sure enough, next year…]

Harry: [Reading paper] Oh, crap—it says here that someone named Theodore Nott was arrested for possessing an illegal time turner!

Hermione: Harry, I need paperwork from you!

Harry: Yeah, yeah!

Hermione: Have you been filing the reports on magical beings lately?

Harry: Ah…yes?

Hermione: Where is that report on trolls I was promised two weeks ago?

Harry: Oh, come on—trolls are all over the place! We can’t possibly hope to keep track of them all!

Hermione: Sometimes I wonder if you take your job seriously.

Harry: Well sometimes I wonder when you became black.

Hermione: I’m pretty sure I’ve always been black.

Harry: Oh, really?

Hermione: Evidently. [Pause] Wait—that’s beside the point! The point is, you don’t take your job seriously!

Harry: Well I didn’t take my school work seriously either, and look where I am now!

Hermione: [Through clenched teeth] Don’t remind me…! Oh, by the way, Amos Diggory sent for you.

Harry: Who?

Hermione: The father of Cedric Diggory, that’s who.

Harry: Who?

Hermione: The man who was killed by Voldemort at the conclusion of the Triwizard Tournament.

Harry: How can a man who was killed by Voldemort want an audience with me?

Hermione: Not him, you nitwit! Cedric Diggory! He was killed at the Triwizard Tournament and turned into a sparkly vampire!

Harry: Oh, THAT Cedric.

Hermione: Yes, yes.

Harry: But why would I want to meet with a vampire who’d probably just eat me?

Hermione: [Facepalm] Cedric doesn’t want to meet with you! His father Amos Diggory does!

Harry: Oh, alright. That makes sense then.

Hermione: Took you long enough….

[So one night during the Christmas holidays, Amos Diggory comes to Harry’s house]

Amos Diggory: Oh, hello, Harry. [indicates Albus] Is this your son?

Harry: Yes, well, that is to say, he’s my second son.

Albus: Don’t remind me.

Harry: My eldest son is visiting friends and my daughter is shopping with her mother so it’s just me and him.

Amos Diggory: Good good! Harry…I wish to discuss something with you in private, if that’s alright.

Harry: Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Albus, be a good boy and wait upstairs in your room.

Albus: Whatever.

[Albus retreats to his room. In the hallway, he bumps into a strange-looking young woman.]

Girl: Oh, hello there, little boy! My name is Delphie Laclair Absentia Lucy Alice Osbourne!

Albus: That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard.

Delphie: Nobody asked you!

Albus: Who are you, anyway? What are you doing here?

Delphie: Hmph! I just so happen to be Amos Diggory’s niece!

Albus: But…you look young enough to be his granddaughter.

Delphie: I’m…ah…the daughter of a much, much, much, MUCH younger sister!

Albus; Oh, really?

Delphie: Yeah, exactly! [Pause] Well…anyway, what say you we go up to that door over there and eavesdrop?

Albus: I don’t know—they said it was private.

Delphie: Oh, come on—your father practically made eavesdropping into an art form when he was a student!

Albus: True, true. But… I don’t have anything we can use to listen.

Delphie: Fear not! [Pulls out a pair of Extendable Ears]

Albus: You’ve been to Zonko’s?

Delphie: Oh, yes. I just love all the merchandise there. It’s so much fun, and so useful as well. Aren’t I just so quirky and unique?

Albus: That’s funny—I know the people who run the store and they’ve never mentioned seeing anyone like you.

Delphie: Well I’m sure they’re busy—they can’t possibly keep track of everybody.

Albus: But somebody who looks like you? I mean you’ve got silver hair with blue streaks in it that goes all the way down to your mid-back!

Delphie: [Irritably] Like I said, they’re busy people and can’t keep track of everybody.

Albus: Just asking.

[They let the Extendable Ears dangle over the stairwell]

Harry: You want me to…what?

Amos Diggory: I want you to go back through time and rescue my son.

Harry: We can’t do that! We must never cheat Death, our lord and master!

Amos Diggory: Then explain to me how you survived so many things that should have gotten you killed, when you clearly have the brain of a dung beetle!

Harry: That’s different because I’m the Chosen One. Your son was just an insignificant little Hufflepuff who probably would never have amounted to anything anyway.

Amos Diggory: Is that really how you think of him? An insignificant little Hufflepuff?

Harry: Well, that’s what he was.

Amos Diggory: Be that as it may, he was MY insignificant little Hufflepuff! Does that mean nothing to you?!

Harry: Why should it? I mean, he was a Hufflepuff!

Amos Diggory: Well, clearly I can’t appeal to your compassion. But I will find another way.

Harry: I’d like to see you try. Look, even if I wanted to rescue your son I couldn’t. You know time travel doesn’t work that way.

Amos Diggory: Well…there’s always hope. I mean, you never know what magic will do.

Albus: I just had…an idea!

Delphie: Where did this come from?

Albus: My father won’t rescue Cedric Diggory. But…maybe my friend Scorpius and I can!

Delphie: How is that—I mean, yes, yes, I sympathize wholeheartedly. Just…let me know if there’s…anything you need me to do for you. [Shifty eyes]