Harry Potter Abridged! Cursed Child Part 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Somehow, Albus manages to survive his first year at Hogwarts. At the start of second year…]

Harry: Albus, I’m concerned. It doesn’t seem like you have many friends other than that Malfoy boy.

Albus: It’s not my fault! My brother and Rose won’t ever let them forget the time I added Kudzu leaf to that one potion instead of adding Kudzu root, and--!

Harry: Come now, Albus, what do you care what your brother thinks?

Albus: He told the entire school about it! Every time I make a mistake in class or events Rose tells him and he tells the entire school! They all think I’m the stupidest person alive!

Harry: [to self] But is he stupider even than Voldemort and me? [to Albus] Be that as it may, there must be someone who’ll be friends with you? Someone…not in Slytherin, perhaps?

Albus: Well I tried talking to a few Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, but they all ignored me. Either they believe my brother’s stories about me or they just have their own friends and don’t need any more.

Harry: [to self] Wow, if he’s lowering himself to talking to Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws he must be really desperate. [to Albus] Well…at least there’s a new crop of students this year who don’t know about your mishaps. Maybe you’ll make some new friends then.

Albus: You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.

Harry: Do I? Oh, silly me!

[Meanwhile, Rose is talking to her family]

Rose: And, like, I’m totally the best in my class, and I’m a Quidditch star already and everything! Aren’t you proud of me?!

Ron: Yes, we’re very proud of you, sweetheart.

Scorpius: I just notice that Rose is kind of cute.

Albus: Give it up. Her parents will never let her marry a Slytherin. They’ll find a more suitable mate for her—like my older brother, for instance.

Scorpius: What a shame.

Albus: Anyway, why would you want her when you have me?

Scorpius: Oh, Albus, you’re my best friend and I know how much you love me!

Albus: Oh Scorpius!

Scorpius: Oh Albus!

Rose: Ah…I hope I’m not interrupting anything?

[They board the train.]

[Meanwhile, in Harry’s office…]

Draco: Knock, knock!

Harry: Draco! What do you want?! [Removes glasses] Care for some hot lovin’?

Draco: No, not now! I’m here strictly on business.

Harry: And what does your business have to do with me?

Draco: It’s about my son. I assume you’ve heard the rumors.

Harry: What rumors?

Draco: The rumors that my son is not mine, but instead belongs to Voldemort.

Harry: Your son?! The son of Voldemort?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! [Falls out of chair, overtaken by spasms of laughter]

Draco: This is no laughing matter! My son is being bullied because people think he’s the son of Voldemort!

Harry: [Picks himself up] I don’t believe that. Nobody is that stupid. Even I’m not that stupid!

Draco: Apparently some people are!

Harry: How would Voldemort even have been there at the time!? He would have been dead for years! And last I checked all the time turners were destroyed during the past war!

Draco: Do you think it’s possible that one of them survived?

Harry: But a time turner that would allow your wife to transport herself to a time when Voldemort was alive and convince him to…well…?!

Draco: It does seem absurd. But then stranger things have happened.

Harry: Now that you mention it, I have been getting a bad feeling lately.

Draco: Oh dear.

[Sure enough, next year…]

Harry: [Reading paper] Oh, crap—it says here that someone named Theodore Nott was arrested for possessing an illegal time turner!

Hermione: Harry, I need paperwork from you!

Harry: Yeah, yeah!

Hermione: Have you been filing the reports on magical beings lately?

Harry: Ah…yes?

Hermione: Where is that report on trolls I was promised two weeks ago?

Harry: Oh, come on—trolls are all over the place! We can’t possibly hope to keep track of them all!

Hermione: Sometimes I wonder if you take your job seriously.

Harry: Well sometimes I wonder when you became black.

Hermione: I’m pretty sure I’ve always been black.

Harry: Oh, really?

Hermione: Evidently. [Pause] Wait—that’s beside the point! The point is, you don’t take your job seriously!

Harry: Well I didn’t take my school work seriously either, and look where I am now!

Hermione: [Through clenched teeth] Don’t remind me…! Oh, by the way, Amos Diggory sent for you.

Harry: Who?

Hermione: The father of Cedric Diggory, that’s who.

Harry: Who?

Hermione: The man who was killed by Voldemort at the conclusion of the Triwizard Tournament.

Harry: How can a man who was killed by Voldemort want an audience with me?

Hermione: Not him, you nitwit! Cedric Diggory! He was killed at the Triwizard Tournament and turned into a sparkly vampire!

Harry: Oh, THAT Cedric.

Hermione: Yes, yes.

Harry: But why would I want to meet with a vampire who’d probably just eat me?

Hermione: [Facepalm] Cedric doesn’t want to meet with you! His father Amos Diggory does!

Harry: Oh, alright. That makes sense then.

Hermione: Took you long enough….

[So one night during the Christmas holidays, Amos Diggory comes to Harry’s house]

Amos Diggory: Oh, hello, Harry. [indicates Albus] Is this your son?

Harry: Yes, well, that is to say, he’s my second son.

Albus: Don’t remind me.

Harry: My eldest son is visiting friends and my daughter is shopping with her mother so it’s just me and him.

Amos Diggory: Good good! Harry…I wish to discuss something with you in private, if that’s alright.

Harry: Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Albus, be a good boy and wait upstairs in your room.

Albus: Whatever.

[Albus retreats to his room. In the hallway, he bumps into a strange-looking young woman.]

Girl: Oh, hello there, little boy! My name is Delphie Laclair Absentia Lucy Alice Osbourne!

Albus: That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard.

Delphie: Nobody asked you!

Albus: Who are you, anyway? What are you doing here?

Delphie: Hmph! I just so happen to be Amos Diggory’s niece!

Albus: But…you look young enough to be his granddaughter.

Delphie: I’m…ah…the daughter of a much, much, much, MUCH younger sister!

Albus; Oh, really?

Delphie: Yeah, exactly! [Pause] Well…anyway, what say you we go up to that door over there and eavesdrop?

Albus: I don’t know—they said it was private.

Delphie: Oh, come on—your father practically made eavesdropping into an art form when he was a student!

Albus: True, true. But… I don’t have anything we can use to listen.

Delphie: Fear not! [Pulls out a pair of Extendable Ears]

Albus: You’ve been to Zonko’s?

Delphie: Oh, yes. I just love all the merchandise there. It’s so much fun, and so useful as well. Aren’t I just so quirky and unique?

Albus: That’s funny—I know the people who run the store and they’ve never mentioned seeing anyone like you.

Delphie: Well I’m sure they’re busy—they can’t possibly keep track of everybody.

Albus: But somebody who looks like you? I mean you’ve got silver hair with blue streaks in it that goes all the way down to your mid-back!

Delphie: [Irritably] Like I said, they’re busy people and can’t keep track of everybody.

Albus: Just asking.

[They let the Extendable Ears dangle over the stairwell]

Harry: You want me to…what?

Amos Diggory: I want you to go back through time and rescue my son.

Harry: We can’t do that! We must never cheat Death, our lord and master!

Amos Diggory: Then explain to me how you survived so many things that should have gotten you killed, when you clearly have the brain of a dung beetle!

Harry: That’s different because I’m the Chosen One. Your son was just an insignificant little Hufflepuff who probably would never have amounted to anything anyway.

Amos Diggory: Is that really how you think of him? An insignificant little Hufflepuff?

Harry: Well, that’s what he was.

Amos Diggory: Be that as it may, he was MY insignificant little Hufflepuff! Does that mean nothing to you?!

Harry: Why should it? I mean, he was a Hufflepuff!

Amos Diggory: Well, clearly I can’t appeal to your compassion. But I will find another way.

Harry: I’d like to see you try. Look, even if I wanted to rescue your son I couldn’t. You know time travel doesn’t work that way.

Amos Diggory: Well…there’s always hope. I mean, you never know what magic will do.

Albus: I just had…an idea!

Delphie: Where did this come from?

Albus: My father won’t rescue Cedric Diggory. But…maybe my friend Scorpius and I can!

Delphie: How is that—I mean, yes, yes, I sympathize wholeheartedly. Just…let me know if there’s…anything you need me to do for you. [Shifty eyes]

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Someone…not in Slytherin, perhaps?/

Because heaven forbid people stop caring about Houses. Again, why did the writers think that this was a good idea? Why did JKR even bother trying to retcon what happened in DH by saying that Slytherins did show up for the battle if this play was just going to dump on Slytherin again?

/Scorpius: I just notice that Rose is kind of cute./

Scorpius: She's also an egotistical, prejudiced snot and was completely rude to me when we first met and hasn't changed her attitude since then, but it's not like rudeness stopped her parents from hooking up, so why not?

/Albus: Anyway, why would you want her when you have me?/

I'm not even a slash fan generally (most of my ships are het) and I find myself asking the same question.

/Draco: This is no laughing matter! My son is being bullied because people think he’s the son of Voldemort!/

So, what? The more you fuss about it, the more that people are going to wonder if it's true. Just point out how stupid it is or ignore it.

/Harry: Well sometimes I wonder when you became black./

*snorts*

/Hermione: I’m pretty sure I’ve always been black./

Yeah...no. It would be one thing if JKR said, "I have no problem with a black actress playing Hermione. I'm sure she'll do a great job!" and left it at that. But to go one step further and claim, "Oh, yeah, Hermione was always black!" is just disingenuous. JKR may not reread her books, but her fans do.

/I mean you’ve got silver hair with blue streaks in it that goes all the way down to your mid-back!/

Was there even a point to giving her that hair? Both Tom and Bellatrix had black hair. So, why couldn't the play just say that she has dark hair?

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Was there even a point to giving her that hair? Both Tom and Bellatrix had black hair. So, why couldn't the play just say that she has dark hair?

If I saw a fanfiction story with that description - V daughter - silver & blue hair, it would be one I automatically skip. I wouldn't read it. The whole Cursed Child sounds like a really bad fan fic.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

That's why I thought that this was a joke when I first learned about what happens in the play. I mean, dear Lord, I thought that "The Prince's Tale" and HBP sounded like fanfiction while I was reading them. This surpasses both of them.

So many times I've seen HP fans mock HP fanfics for having these exact elements: an OC who has unique hair, an OC who's the long-lost relative of a canon character, time travel that doesn't make any sense, canon characters who've been made OOC, etc. But this story has all of those things and it's published. It's been approved by J.K. Rowling herself.

So, as far as I'm concerned, anybody who loves this play but rips apart HP fanfics because they have these exact same elements has no room to talk.