10 HP Philosopher’s Stone

[chantaldormand]

Ch10 Halloween

>This is chapter explaining how Quidditch works (not) and with the troll, right? *Groans* Alright let’s get it over.

>Wizards celebrating Halloween instead of Samhain or All Hallows Eve seems odd to me.

>Considering how wizards treat Harry I would expect them to celebrate Voldemort’s Defeat Day instead of Halloween.

>Oh boy, Hogwarts has to be the most boring boarding school in the existence, if 2 eleven year olds cannot find anything more entertaining than speculating what was in a package that may be or may not be protected by a three headed dog that tried to eat them last night.

>Neville acts reasonably thus he is pathetic. Gryffindors.

> If Minerva didn’t want whole school to know that the local Gary Stu just received an expensive broom, perhaps she should just ask Harry to stay after her class and give him the blasted broom. Also who the heck paid for the professional tier broom? School? Well that explains why Dumbledore has such big problems with finding a new Defence teacher each year; Hogwarts’ budget must be in red right now. Or perhaps Dumbledore used that handy key to Potters vault without asking the said rightful owner of it? Either way sounds fishy. +1 to Crime Count

>”As he watched Potter and Weasley laughing at his misfortune, Draco slowly started to realise that some Houses at the Hogwarts are better than others.” Excerpt from first book written from Malfoys POV. Probably.

>Question for today: If Rowling wrote a book from Draco’s perspective would she A) write him like she writes Harry or B) write Passion of the Christ tier Torture Porn?

>Harry, Hermione has a point- Minerva did you a huge disservice when instead of punishing you, she gave you broom and position on sports team. The worst part? You never learn your lesson and either act as a victim or are once again rewarded for breaking rules.

>After students in the Great Hall saw Harry getting the package and Malfoy learning what is inside, I’m honestly surprised that there is no horde of crazy fans in the stadium. 

>Wood being an athlete knows how to get in Harry’s good graces: shower them in compliments.

>Wood releases a Bludger without telling Harry what they do and the cannonball crushes the chosen one’s head. Wait, sorry wrong story. +1 to Death Count

>While Chasers’ and Keeper’s jobs seem reasonable, after including 2 cannonballs that try their best to knock you off your broom I’m starting to question sanity of anyone who wants to play this game. And my hobby is bouldering climbing.

>Bludger never killed anyone at Hogwarts.

>And then Wood introduces Harry to a cheat code for God mode. First seeker to find it wins the match.

>Not only Harry’s position is the most important on the team but also it’s a prime target for fouls and Bludgers. Woe to our protagonist!

>No seriously, I’m not big on team sports, but even to me rules of this game look like they were written with Harry in mind.

>So three evenings a week Wood managed to book the field just for training Harry? None of other teams wanted to train during week or is it continuation of Dumbledore bending rules for Gryffs?

>Heh, it might be fannon, but I seem to recall Dumbledore saying something about Lily’s protection and calling Privet Drive home, yet here Harry admits that Hogwarts feels more like home than Petunia’s house.

>Harry once again stomps over Neville’s attempts of befriending and is glad that he is paired with Seamus. Poor guy, he doesn’t deserve this.

>Ron’s bruised ego uses “Nasty Comment” on Hermione. It was super effective! +1 to Spell Count for Hermione.

>While Harry doesn’t use here any adjective to describe Parvati and Lavender talking about Hermione’s waterfall display, I like to think that there was some kind of satisfaction for them. Every time I try to imagine Hermione as my roommate I get headaches.

>There are thousands of poor scared live bats in the Great Hall.

>Either Quirrell has a “Slytherin side” or Voldie spend time to coach him just how to make such over the top performance.

>Another +1 to Spell Count for Albus.

>There is dangerous monster roaming castle. Headmaster decides that sending off students to their dormitories, instead of forcing them to stay in relative safety of Great Hall, is good idea. Logic? What logic? +1 to Crime Count for endangering students. +1 to Leap of Logic

>Shame that Hogwarts’ doesn’t keep a herd of goats. They would make short work of the troll.

>So Harry the glory hound, instead of informing prefects about missing student, decides to run away during evacuation to look for the said student. You know, if Potter was in building on fire he would be the first victim of the said fire. +1 to Crime Count

>So 3.6 metres tall troll ‘slouches’ into bathroom. Just how tall are doors in this castle?

>Harry and Ron instead of attempting to lure the troll out of the bathroom and trying to outrun it, decides that engaging troll in battle is much better solution. I swear it’s like Harry wants to get triple digits in Death Count in span of just one book. +1 to Death Count.

>I know that Harry is trying to be heroic here, but how the heck he managed to jump high enough to hang from the troll’s neck??

>Harry you should be ashamed of yourself- even your sidekick managed to successfully cast spell before you! +1 to Spell Count for Ron.

>” Quirrell took one look at the troll, let out a faint whimper, and sat quickly down on a toilet, clutching his heart” It seems to me that Quirrell is starting to rethink his life choices. By the end of this book he will probably wonder why the heck he was wasting so much time researching the obstacle course, if 3 first years managed to beat it without any preparations.

>Hermione realises that until now she used a wrong approach to befriending other Gryffindors and decides to lie through her teeth to authority figure in order to endear herself to our Protag.

>Minerva takes 5 points for student supposedly running away from the group during evacuation, going to hunt dangerous monster and endangering 2 other students. Fast-forward a few chapters and just for being outside dormitory during curfew she will slap 150 points penalty and a trip to forest full of hungry monsters during unicorn slaying spree. And students call her fair???

>Also Minnie once again rewards Harry’s recklessness. How anyone expected him to grow up into reasonable adult I don’t know.

>Apparently Gryffindors didn’t notice their child celebrity missing. Nor 3 first years entering common room. Would they notice troll entering the room? Who knows...

>You end up liking each other after knocking out a troll, but witnessing a Dark Lord feeding on dead unicorn has no such effects. Probably not enough of troll’s stench.

Crime Count: 3

Death Count: 2

Freud Would Be Proud: 0

Leap of Logic: 1

Uncovered: 0

Spell Count: 1 for Hermione, 1 for Albus, 1 for Ron

Comments

[chantaldormand]

...that is actually both plausible explanation and very in character for Lockhart. Huh. Who could have guessed that Jo's bad writing in this scene could be explained so well.

[sunnyskywalker]

It's unsettling when crack conspiracy theories actually turn out to sound in character and plausible. but I don't think I've found anything that rules it out, and it fits too well.