CoS Chapter Three
Feb. 23rd, 2007 04:17 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock*How much would Malfoy love to know that the Weasleys’ house is called a burrow?
*So even though Arthur has nothing to do with this department, everyone at the Ministry knows about Harry’s use of magic. Since it’s Arthur we can assume he was gossiping in someone’s office instead of doing his own work.
*Ron tells Harry to stop gibbering. Ron hasn’t lost his cool yet. It seems like it was at puberty that we needed to have this clear delineation between cool Harry and Hermione (yeah, right) and loser!Ron.
*Hedwig realizes how important this all is, so stays silent. Or else she just wants to get out of her damn cage. Or else she’s an animal and couldn’t care less who Harry’s talking to at the window.
*Fred can pick locks the Muggle way, which is totally Gary Stu, Rowling. Totally Stu.
*Uncle Vernon bursts into Harry’s bedroom thinking there are intruders and shoots Fred and George dead. The end.
*Ron announces Hedwig wants to fly behind them because she hasn’t stretched her wings for ages. Hey, has anyone even ever noticed Ron speaks owl? Why no respect for the Bubotongue?
*Draco’s been working out with an Evil Overlord trainer over the summer. Last year he couldn’t even get Harry in trouble for stuff he actually did. Now he can completely cut him off from the mail service and bring the Ministry to his door all by himself.
*Harry says Draco must be Lucius Malfoy’s son, as Malfoy is not a very common name. Which apparently Harry would know, having been a Wizard for almost a year now.
*Heh. This suddenly make me think of playing concentration with the kids next door when I was a kid. We’d all just met and had to list "unusual names" when it was our turn, and we all just named each others names, because we were, like, four years old and probably had ever heard 100 names between us total.
*Fred says when Lord Voldemort disappeared Lucius claimed he "never meant any of it," which sounds really stupid until you remember that the Imperius curse just hasn’t been introduced yet so Fred can’t explain that’s what he means.
*Harry is not at all surprised to think of Draco’s father in Voldemort’s inner circle, since Draco is as bad as Dudley and Dudley’s father is a Death Eater too. Or a drill salesman. One of those.
*Draco himself makes Dudley look kind, thoughtful and sensitive. In Harry’s imagination.
*Why do you have to be in an old Wizarding family to own a House-Elf?
*Btw, old Wizarding family and rich=Malfoys.
*House elves come with big old manors and castles. But wait, the Malfoy Manor is only big in fanfic. Really it is but a cottage, probably without indoor plumbing.
*Harry judges Draco to have the best of everything. Except brooms, Harry. You’ve got the best broom.
*Also, what else does Malfoy own, exactly, that you’ve noticed is the best?
*Still, funny to see Harry indulge in some Malfoy Manor fantasies himself. Don’t forget to put snakeheads on all the gold plumbing fixtures Harry. Those are pretty standard at this point. And great big bathtubs.
*Harry begins to wonder if he was stupid to take Dobby seriously. Did he take Dobby seriously?
*Btw, I doubt Draco would have sent Dobby to tell you how much his own family sucks, but that’s me.
*Anyway, sending the family servant to keep Harry from going back to Hogwarts sounds exactly like something Malfoy might do. Although it apparently never really entered his mind. What’s wrong, Draco? Harry not good enough to pay attention to anymore? Hmm?
*Harry’s all confused about Errol and Hermes long after it should be apparent Ron’s talking about the family owls. Harry hasn’t eaten, remember. He’s gone a bit dim from hunger.
*Percy’s been acting weird this summer. Combination of red herring romance and oncoming evil, no doubt.
*He’s spending a lot of time locked up in his room, and there’s only so many times one can polish a Prefects badge. Yes, George, but there are other things a boy can’t polish too many times. They usually discover them around the same time they realize practical jokes are stupid.
*Even Harry, who can’t figure out what the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department could possibly be about, recognizes that Arthur is a big fat hypocrite with his flying car.
*Ron says if Arthur raided his own house he’d have to put himself under arrest. That won’t stop dozens of Internet lawyers explaining how what Arthur is doing isn’t exactly what he’s hired to stop other people from doing. Charming a tea set is totally different from charming a car! Even if neither of you intended it to get back into Muggle hands!
*After Malfoy recovered from the knowledge that Ron lives in a burrow, he’d collapse again from the news it used to be a pig-sty. I won’t even ask how that happened.
*The Weasleys don’t actually eat their chickens or do anything with the eggs. They’re mostly just there to show they’re salt of the earth.
*Molly is short and plump and kind-faced. She’s kind-faced in case you didn’t note that "plump" is the non-evil kind of fat person.
*Molly tells the boys she never had any of this trouble with Bill, Charlie or Percy…but Fred fastens his resentment on "Perfect Percy."
*Mrs. Weasley is listening to a Make-Believe Ballroom type show on the radio, because in case you haven’t noticed, the Weasleys live in post-World War II England.
*Apparently Arthur and Molly had already decided to go get Harry themselves if he hadn’t written back to Ron, because they’re Harry’s parents now.
*Molly does housework with a flick of her wand—but she’s still an overworked housewife. Apparently that stereotype is more a state of mind than something connected to actual work.
*Ginny’s been talking about Harry all summer. And understanding him better than anyone else, based on her glimpse into his true soul at the train station.
*Molly glares at Fred to stop him making fun of Ginny’s crush on Harry. Remember Ginny isn’t a horrible she-beast yet.
*Molly tips 8 or 9 sausages onto Harry’s plate. Easy there, Molly! How many ration tickets did those take?
*You know, the Weasley family is in fact really boring. Can we visit the Malfoy manor? Maybe we can catch Draco and Theo’s conversation in the garden.
*I wonder what time period Draco grew up in.
*Ron may be totally ignorant about most things Muggle, but of course he’s seen garden gnomes. Jeez, he’s not completely clueless!
*Btw, do they have lawn jockeys in the UK, or are those American?
*Ron claims that it doesn’t hurt a gnome to spin them round and round his head. So it’s totally okay to do this to a sentient being. Cute even. Yeah.
*Harry learns quickly not to feel sorry for the gnomes, since when he tries to molest them they bite. He will, of course, feel sorry for Buckbeak when it attacks someone for mildly insulting language. Totally different thing in that it was somebody else who got hurt.
*Ron says the gnomes aren’t too bright. This while engaging in a totally pointless exercise that will probably keep the garden gnome-free until brunch.
*Apparently gnomes like the Weasleys because Dad’s too soft on them. Meaning what, he doesn’t torture them for kicks? We know he allows them to be used as Christmas ornaments.
*I will never get used to Mr. Weasley being thin.
*His robes are travel worn. Just pretend he actually travels rather than teleports.
*I love the way in a book where the good guys fancy themselves rebels, Arthur’s job is raiding peoples’ private homes. Yeah, that’s not disturbing. Especially when his own’s safe due to his job.
*It must be difficult selling Muggles fake keys when you can’t make Muggle money work. That’s our only real protection from Wizard japes.
*Still, thanks for the condescension, Arthur. Forgot for a second why I have no respect for you as a character.
*Heads-up for Molly’s finest moment where she, too, proves she knows Arthur is breaking the law.
*I guess that’s why Arthur’s such an idiot about Muggle stuff. He’s not really studying it, he just enchants it.
*Molly goes on to brilliantly attack Arthur for writing a loophole into a law that makes his own job pretty much redundant. What do you know, silly housewife?
*In any event, well done letting Arthur write the laws, enforce the laws and break the laws. That’s fair.
*Ron claims it’s weird for Ginny to be shy, that she normally never shuts up. He sadly does not warn us that this is supposed to mean that usually Ginny can’t go for ten minutes without insulting or hexing someone. But to be fair, Ron doesn’t yet know that’s what he means.
*Even though Harry’s played Quidditch for a year, Ron politely waited to introduce him to the Cannons until now. Way to spread out the exposition, Ron.
*Ron nervously awaits Harry’s opinion of his small bedroom. I think that’s the Harry/Ron-est moment in all of canon.
Misdirected Answering
As with most Weasley chapters, the story stops dead for several pages of magical twee-ness.
Nut o’ Fun
Thought there was going to be one, didn’t you? Well, there isn’t! Not in the entire fricken’ Weasley house! The attic ghoul, cutesy clock, magic radio, magic housework, garden fricken’ gnomes? Not fun!
Final score: 1
Signs of things to come: Stay tuned for OotP: The doxies, aka, De-Gnoming II: It wasn’t funny the first time. Yes, Molly will pretty much always be yelling from now on. And she will continue to stuff everyone with loads of food that don’t make you fat.
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Date: 2007-02-23 09:32 pm (UTC)You know why evil people always have big bathtubs? Because of the cat. Seriously. You get one of those standard-issue white, fluffy Plotting Cats and then, inevitably, it rolls in something nasty or gets the mother of all dingleberries and you have to bathe the little bastard, and the only way to do that without losing an eye is to fill a bathtub at least as big as a '57 Chevy and throw it in the far end and then flee for your life.
Apparently gnomes like the Weasleys because Dad’s too soft on them. Meaning what, he doesn’t torture them for kicks?
Well, that's the standard for being kind to Muggles...
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Date: 2007-02-23 09:54 pm (UTC)Tasteful dress-robes. No, wait, Harry didn't realize they were the best. After all, his matched his eyes.
*Anyway, sending the family servant to keep Harry from going back to Hogwarts sounds exactly like something Malfoy might do. Although it apparently never really entered his mind. What’s wrong, Draco? Harry not good enough to pay attention to anymore? Hmm?
He's having an affair with his flying instructor. (Undoubtedly whips are involved.) That's why he never gets any better at Quidditch. He's doing anything but practicing.
*Apparently Arthur and Molly had already decided to go get Harry themselves if he hadn’t written back to Ron, because they’re Harry’s parents now.
You know, I'd be kind of disturbed if my friend's parents, who I've very briefly talked to twice, would be acting like my parents. Are they after my money? And what was the Christmas present all about? Do they make a habit of sending Christmas presents to every person who asks them for directions?
*I guess that’s why Arthur’s such an idiot about Muggle stuff. He’s not really studying it, he just enchants it.
It's so pathetic, really, that the Weasleys are so ignorant of everything Muggle, whereas Draco talks about helicopters as if he knew what they are. Molly probably didn't allow the children to go to Ottery St. Catchpole. Wouldn't do to mix with the Muggles, you know. Draco, OTOH, has probably been sneaking to
Malfoy Intrinsicathe village near Malfoy Manor to talk to the fascinating Muggles since he could walk. Can't you just see him wandering around and trying everything because he just had to know what being a Muggle is all about?no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 10:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-24 02:52 am (UTC)Definitely. What's the point of being better than other people if you can't take a close look at just how inferior they are so you can have a good laugh about it? =]
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Date: 2007-02-24 04:53 pm (UTC)Also he can live in a Muggle neighborhood without being noticed. And he has a piano!
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Date: 2007-02-23 10:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-24 01:22 am (UTC)I never noticed that weirdness until you mentioned it. But now I'm having visions of Fred and George hanging around with the local, non-magical teens any chance they get. Not with the good kids either.
*Percy’s been acting weird this summer. Combination of red herring romance and oncoming evil, no doubt.
Percy really enjoys being with his girl. That just screams EVIL. He is abandoning the Weasely Family Code! I don't know what that code would be...I don't know..."Deliverance are us?"
*The Weasleys don’t actually eat their chickens or do anything with the eggs. They’re mostly just there to show they’re salt of the earth.
No, chickens are to pretty. They must be eating the garden gnomes. That is why Molly slaves over her stove all day long. She has to cook the gnomes just right.
*Ron says the gnomes aren’t too bright. This while engaging in a totally pointless exercise that will probably keep the garden gnome-free until brunch.
What would the Weaselys eat if there are no garden gnomes? Garden Gnome diets make girls beautiful. GINNYSUE, need I say more?
*Ron claims it’s weird for Ginny to be shy, that she normally never shuts up. He sadly does not warn us that this is supposed to mean that usually Ginny can’t go for ten minutes without insulting or hexing someone. But to be fair, Ron doesn’t yet know that’s what he means.
That is the downside to the Gnome meal beauty diet, it makes girls hexy. But no matter, that is where the "Wonder Witch LP" comes in.
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Date: 2007-02-24 01:25 am (UTC)*He’s spending a lot of time locked up in his room, and there’s only so many times one can polish a Prefects badge. Yes, George, but there are other things a boy can’t polish too many times. They usually discover them around the same time they realize practical jokes are stupid.
*I wonder what time period Draco grew up in.
Oh man, I would love to know!
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Date: 2009-06-09 08:44 pm (UTC)Oh man, I would love to know!
I'd be inclined to opt for going for the interwar years, especially the twenties. I reckon the Malfoy's could work the combination of devestation, a need to return to the "good old days" of Victoriana, debauchery and a Modernist inclination towards fascism...
...man, I love the twenties
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Date: 2007-02-24 02:49 am (UTC)Well, he's got a very spiffy owl... =]
*Percy’s been acting weird this summer. Combination of red herring romance and oncoming evil, no doubt.
I totally fell for that red herring the first time I read the book, darn it. And I felt all smug about figuring out who the villain was. ^_^;;
*His robes are travel worn. Just pretend he actually travels rather than teleports.
Pet peeve - why is it "Apparation," not "teleportation"? In fact, why are authors (it's not just Rowling, far from it) so dead set against using the word "teleportation"? That's what it is! It's a perfectly good word and everyone knows what it means! "Apparation" I had to look up, and it turns out it just means "teleportation"!
Actually, I suppose I do know why. It's for the same reason why Legilimency is of course not mind-reading, it just looks like it to the untrained eye. ;)
*I love the way in a book where the good guys fancy themselves rebels, Arthur’s job is raiding peoples’ private homes.
Heh. I once wrote a very long and very angry rant about the idiocy of the "rogue hero" stereotype in these books... =]
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Date: 2007-02-24 05:28 pm (UTC)Looking at Harry's idea of Hygiene, big bathtubs=evil. Or maybe any bathtub=evil
*I wonder what time period Draco grew up in.
Late Eighteenth Century, somewhere between De Laclos and gothic romance, reading Lord Chesterfield letters but learning nothing from them. Narcissa can play a nice Richardson kind of heroine, too. And their heads totally deserve to be cut off.
*Apparently gnomes like the Weasleys because Dad’s too soft on them. Meaning what, he doesn’t torture them for kicks? We know he allows them to be used as Christmas ornaments.
Yes, but he must do this because the Weasleys are too poor to buy anything plasticky. And they deserve it because they insist to infest their garden
(when happened that the garden became the junkyard described in HBP?)
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Date: 2007-02-25 10:43 am (UTC)I bet that Draco would love to know that he has so much power and not, you know, have none at all.
*Draco himself makes Dudley look kind, thoughtful and sensitive. In Harry’s imagination.
Sure, Dudley made Harry's life and home and school hell for ten years, but Draco made Harry feel stupid for a few minutes and that's so much worse.
*The Weasleys don’t actually eat their chickens or do anything with the eggs. They’re mostly just there to show they’re salt of the earth.
And neither do they seem to feed or care for them in any way. They also seem to mysteriously disappear in the later books or at least I don't remember them being mentioned again.
*It must be difficult selling Muggles fake keys when you can’t make Muggle money work. That’s our only real protection from Wizard japes.
Why would anybody buy just a key from anyone anyway? Normally they come with whatever they open and otherwise you make copies at those little stores.
Btw, aren't you going to re-post the next GoF chapter this week?
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Date: 2007-02-25 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 06:49 pm (UTC)Maybe Ginny killed them, in practice for her plot this book?
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Date: 2007-03-01 07:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 11:22 pm (UTC)So what would that make him the heir of? Ron Weasley, heir of the founder of the wizarding post.
*Btw, I doubt Draco would have sent Dobby to tell you how much his own family sucks, but that’s me.
I think if Draco were going to send Dobby to do anything to Harry, it would be to taunt him.
Draco: "Call him 'Potty', and make sure you toss the word 'Scarhead' in there a few times, too. But don't tell him I sent you."
Nut o’ Fun
Thought there was going to be one, didn’t you? Well, there isn’t!
To be fair, I thought the very odd ferrets at the Ministry were fun. I'm with you on the Weasley house, though.
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Date: 2009-02-08 02:57 pm (UTC)And Harry and Ron become policemen, and Hermione a civil servant. Fight the power!
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Date: 2009-02-08 04:58 pm (UTC)