GoF Chapter Eighteen

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Winner of the Most Freudian Chapter Title Award, 2000. And deserving of it too, as you’ll see when you get the dirty bits. This chapter is way wanky.

*When Harry woke up on Sunday it took him a while to remember why he was so miserable and worried. There were just so many possible choices. Was it the weight of being the soon-to-be-Chosen-One currently the Boy-Who-Lived? Being an orphan? The fact that no one understood him? The Evil Overlord after him? His painful separation from that guy he spoke to for half an hour a few months ago? Harry thought and thought…

*I love the way the Creevy brothers are both frantically fan-boying Harry in fourth year (that makes year 2-4 for Colin), and just give it up in fifth. Much the way Hermione will yammer on incessantly about SPEW for TWO WHOLE YEARS and then not say a peep about it in sixth year, even when Harry becomes a slave owner.

*"She brought him toast" is often considered the ultimate example of what a great friend Hermione is—-better than Ron, obviously. I admit it doesn’t seem quite that big of a deal to me. Especially since if I were her I would be itching to talk over this turn of events and figure out how it happened. She saw him come down to breakfast and leave, after all.

*Btw, people have also asked me why I think H/Hr seems like mother/son incest. Hermione bringing Harry toast takes on a maternal vibe for me with these two, perhaps especially because in an earlier chapter Hermione was actually spooning casserole onto both boys’ plates. I missed it the first time but—-dude, what? That’s one tiny step away from cutting their meat for them.

*OMG, please stop me. I can’t help looking through this book for H/Hr proof not because I ship it but because I can’t stop myself from looking for the things I assume were considered signs of interest when other people were reading it. Was the fact that Hermione refers to the look on Harry’s face when his name was announced considered proof? Because Hermione was giving him personal attention, watching Harry instead of the Goblet or something?

*Hermione knows a student couldn’t have done it. Hermione totally overestimates Dumbledore’s precautions here. A student could indeed have done it, but none of them did so let’s have Hermione hustle us past that possibility.

*Hermione says Ron doesn’t really think Harry entered the tournament on his own. Is that true? I mean, doesn’t Ron probably think he thinks that Harry entered it on purpose? It sounded like he did last night when he was trying and failing to be nice about it. Why wouldn't Ron think it?

*More H/Hr flashes: I can imagine people assuming that Hermione would not be interested in someone she saw as being pathetically jealous this way.

*It’s too bad Harry doesn’t tell Ron he’d like to swap lives with him etc. It would be kind of great for somebody to tell Harry off about all the things he takes for granted, he’s so busy pointing out things that other people take for granted. Nothing more satisfying than a celebrity being told off by the common folk. Although of course here it wouldn’t work because Ron really does think Harry is superior to him in every way, because Harry is.

*Write to Sirius? That’s what Harry has to do? I admit I never would have thought of that. What’s Sirius going to do from miles away? Isn’t Dumbledore more the person to go to?

*LOL—-Harry’s "Whose owl am I going to use? " is one of the whiniest, childish lines ever. One of the billion owls sitting in the owlrey for that purpose, perhaps? Here, let Mummy Hermione lead you there.

*The sad thing is that by the Laws of Gryffindor Affection in HP Hedwig really likes Harry.

*The Hufflepuffs were usually on excellent terms with the Gryffindors, by which we mean they looked up to them—like the way Claire explains Brian’s friends look up to her friends in The Breakfast Club.

*Harry normally gets on well with Ernie and Justin, by which we mean he never speaks to them but they usually pay him homage when arriving at class.

*So the Hufflepuffs are cold to Harry, and so is Ron, and so is Professor Sprout. Can we get one of the plants to snub him? That would really make the scene complete.

*Crabbe and Goyle guffaw "sycophantically" at Malfoy’s joke about Champion Harry? Because they’re both actually really worried that Harry will be hurt in the tournament? Because they’re glad Harry’s the champion? Because they secretly have really liked Harry ever since that time he threw a firecracker in their Potion and then had them knocked out and stripped? I think Harry’s kidding himself with his adverbs here.

*"Take this thing for a walk? " [Malfoy] repeated in disgust, staring into one of the boxes. "And where exactly are we supposed to fix the leash? Around the sting, the blasting end or the sucker? " Sister Magpie guffaws not in the least sycophantically.

*Btw, walking these damn things is the class? Snape should really take some lessons from Hagrid: "Everyone, today you will spend the class rearranging my ingredients shelves while I do a crossword.”

*Sadly, the kids might actually learn something useful from rearranging the ingredients so it would still much better than Hagrid’s class.

*Hagrid’s real intention was to talk to Harry during the class. Duh. It’s not like anybody thought his real intention was to prepare the kids for their OWLS.

*How is it that people can read obvious moments like the one where Hagrid looks at the class struggling with the Skrewts and says "they" look like they’re having fun and not get that Hagrid is one of those morons who puts pampering his animals over protecting people?

*The next few days were among Harry’s worst at Hogwarts. To review, they were worse than when the time everyone unfairly thought he was the Heir of Slytherin, worse than when Sirius Black was out to get him, worse than when Snape was making his life miserable. They were not worse than the time Dumbledore died and all of Fifth year, which will also be described that way.

*Note that Harry considers himself unpopular with all of Slytherin, not just Malfoy’s gang. *drives another stake into the heart of the Good Slytherin* Of course Harry comes up with a wonderfully flattering reason for his unpopularity: they’re just jellus cuz he beats them at Quidditch. Probably more people review his fanfic as well and he’s got a big flist.

*Harry gets his first sign here that Ravenclaws think with their heads and not their hearts and so can not be counted on to support him and therefore be good people. You can’t trust anyone who thinks the heart is a muscle for pumping blood and not the organ you use to do long division.

*I hold out hope that the Ravenclaws don’t *care* enough about the Tournament to openly support Harry and are only interested in their mistaken psychoanalysis of him. It does sort of sound that way.

*The real problem is that Cedric looks more like a champion, according to Harry, because he’s reeeeeeally cute. So cute that even Harry has noticed and he’s straight as an arrow. Really! He is!

*spoiler warning* In case you’re worried that Harry himself is not a champion, don’t. HBP confirms, thank god, that by sixth year Harry will indeed be the dishiest guy in school.

*Harry and Neville are the bottom of the class at Charms that day, because they lack confidence the most. Remember, inflated ego=good in school. That’s how come we have that stereotype of the popular girl and the captain of the football team going on to win Nobel prizes, while the shy nerd cleans pools for a living.

*Cedric walks around with a bunch of "simpering" girls. Welcome to your destiny, Harry. It’s awful, isn’t it?

*So…what is it that the Slytherins are supposedly doing to punish Harry in the class of Snape the Strict? What does Harry have to ignore?

*LOL—-I always thought the Potter Stinks badges were just about the stupidest thing ever and that Draco should hide his head in shame for coming up with them, but when he says, "Like them, Potter? And this isn’t all they do—look!" I admit I laughed. What a goofball. I’ll bet that’s very advanced magic and nobody’s noticed.

*You know, if Harry hadn’t had Malfoy with him at school he just may have exploded from stress. He tends to show up and provoke Harry just when Harry really needs somebody he can hit or hex.

*I’d like to point out Hermione’s reaction to a curse that makes her teeth grow. She’s panic stricken, hiding her face, lets out a terrified cry. Funny how it’s portrayed so sympathetically and horribly, isn’t it? A big change from the Slytherins in either train hexing, or even Marietta. This is, like, the only time in canon Hermione The Ruthless gets hexed like this and she acts like it’s not something she’d ever do to anyone. Given the fact it’s done accidentally by the kid she slapped, it’s kind of funny.

*Btw, although Harry and Malfoy’s spells hit in mid-air, Harry’s was a counter-hex. Boils counter growing teeth. Or something.

*Btw, Phoenix Rising update--note that JKR is showin two spells hitting each other at the same time to show what happens when two wands that *aren't* brothers do this.

*And then Snape comes out and…oooh no he di’nt! No he di’nt. He did not tell Hermione he di’nt see no diff’rence! Dat is cold!

*In passing I note Snape shows little regard for Goyle as well. It’s not like he yells at Harry for hexing him, he just tells him to get his face fixed.

*Remember when we thought this duel between Harry and Draco was the best?

*Hee! Malfoy’s such a little shit in this scene, flashing his badge to Harry.

*Awww, look. It’s Harry’s first fantasy of doing the Cruciatious curse. He wants to have Snape lying on the ground before him, lying on his back, twitching like a spider, writhing, crying out Harry’s name, his raven hair spread out on the ground like a silken fan while his breath comes in short, rough gasps and…I’m sorry, what was I talking about?

*Harry notices Fleur happier than he’s ever seen her when she’s with Cedric, throwing her pretty hair back and laughing. You know why she’s happy, don’t you? That bitch is trying to make time with Cedric! Cedric who is so very handsome and good! She’s not good enough for him, right Harry? Even if she does have highlights and low-lights and uses conditioner to prevent split ends!

*Is there any need for this pointless wand weighing ceremony except to introduce Rita Skeeter?

*Btw, Rita has a heavy-jaw. As in man-like. Which is why she defines herself through her career and seeks to destroy our hero. She’s only a parody of real femininity. Real girls are naturally beautiful. Their curls are not “rigid” but natural and bouncy. Real girls have delicate jaws and don’t wear make up to disguise their evil ugliness. Rita also has a strong grip, not to be confused with girl!power. She’s a she-male with no business trying to pass for a woman.

*Wait, so the quill doesn’t write what Rita says, it seems to just turn everything into a tabloid story. It even makes her look bad.

*I think Ollivander’s disappearance is important in Book VI. Or will be in Book VII. Just saying.

*Harry makes a note to tell Ron Fleur is a Veela, which Ron naturally has already picked up on, being a guy who is attracted to women.

*Cedric polished his wand last night. [Your masturbation joke goes here]

*Harry is embarrassed he doesn’t polish his own wand. Well, of course not Harry, you haven’t felt that urge yet. You’re younger than the other contestants and a bit of a late bloomer. Seriously, it seems like that could be the idea.

*It’s very very hard to not draw dirty conclusions from everything Ollivander says about these wands, especially the fact that Viktor’s is thicker than average, very stiff and goes off like a gun. (As opposed to Fleur’s, which sprouts Georgia O’Keefe-like flowers.)

*Poor Cedric’s Unicorn wand merely blows off some smoke, symbolizing that his seed will know no fruition. Look, once I get on a symbolism kick I can’t stop.

*Btw, Viktor’s wand is so thick because it’s the shortest of the three male wands. Can’t have Viktor considered inadequate. Wands follow the slash rule.

*The spell used on Viktor’s wand is the one Hermione sics on Ron, isn’t it? Only Ollivander just sends the birds out into the cold instead of ordering them to peck out anyone’s eyes. Hopefully the birds were created with winter survival skills.

*Ollivander casts a Flashabacka charm with Harry’s wand, and we’re all reminded of that scene from three books ago when Harry bought it.

*I like the way Harry compares his wand’s relationship to Voldemort to his being related to Aunt Petunia.

*Naturally Ollivander spends longer with Harry’s wand than anyone else’s, but eventually chooses a spell more reminiscent of urination than ejaculation (because that’s still what Harry mostly uses his wand for: DEEP SYMBOLISM) and gives it back to him.

*Btw, kids can produce wine out of their wands? And their not drunk off their arses all the time why?

*Harry would have thought Krum would be used to this sort of publicity photo thing—obviously he is, Harry, which is why he’s acting exactly like you!

*Hermione’s teeth are taking hours to fix, apparently. Malfoy should be expelled!





Designated Hero
Yes, the whiny one. That would be our designated hero.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
Look, you can tell me as often as you want, through as many characters as you want, that a student couldn’t have put Harry’s name in the Goblet, but obviously it could be a student. Especially considering the students all seem so interested and some of them are Harry-obsessed fans. If Clay Aiken’s name came out of the Goblet of Fire who would you suspect first: Osama bin Laden or Brittany Frieburger, President of the Spokane Chapter of CLAYNATION?

Idiot Picture
So, um, is anybody doing an investigation to find out who put Harry in the Tournament? Because it doesn’t actually seem to be a major concern for anyone. Even the people who bring it up do it in just a "Gee, I wonder…" kind of way, even while reminding us that the Tournament could end in Harry’s death. The one idea Hermione had was to write to Sirius, who is not able to investigate anything at the school. CSI Las Vegas would nail fake!Crouch in an episode. Yet another example of how inadequate we Muggles are.

Idiot World
In case you forgot, we’re going to remind you again how easily Harry may die in this Tournament. Harry, the guy the world is counting on to save them from the Evil Overlord.

Informed Attributes
God, Harry just can’t stand being a celebrity in any way and knows nothing of what it is like!

Also, Harry likes girls.

McGuffin
Did I mention the now inaccurately named Tri-Wizard Tournament?

Misdirected Answering
I can’t remember…is there ultimately any reason for this weighing of the wands ceremony beyond telling us about everyone’s wands and giving me a chance to make phallic symbol jokes?

Final score: 8

Comments

[meritjubet.livejournal.com]

Harry thought and thought…

At least he is thinking!

"Whose owl am I going to use?"

Just shows how narrow his viewpoint is. He loves Hogwarts and yet hardly knows anything about it, only seeing it for it's surface value, nice that. I just wonder how Harry is going to manage after book 7? Or will JKR sort that out with an eulogy? Only time will tell...

HBP confirms, thank god, that by sixth year Harry will indeed be the dishiest guy in school.

Thank you! I was getting seriously concerned, because as everyone knows it is looks that matter!

And with the wand testing, with the waving of the wands, you wonder why the birds and wine don't come out more often with a careless wave. Right! Plot point...