OotP Chapter 1

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• The title suggests Dudley is demented and he was attacked by dementors. Get it?! Funny stuff, I tells ya.

• We are told that Harry grew a lot, which is a prelude to Harry getting a perfect body, a cool haircut, and the Monster Pubertus getting to him. That, and becoming the object of the average Hogwarts girl’s teenage lust

• Mrs Figg is always described as being batty, and before I checked dear ole dictionary, I thought it referred to her bat wings. You know, the loose skin under women’s arms? Yeah, I don’t think Harry was ever keen on flattering older women.

• I don’t understand why Harry seems to think that a wizard in hiding would be the first item in the news. I mean, siriusly.

• The Dursleys must lead such a peaceful life. Their biggest concern at the moment is that Harry wants to watch the News. OMG! If Ickle Diddykins followed Harry’s bad bad influence, the world would totally end!!! Bye bye Stepford, hello HELL!!!

• Yes Harry, you heard a cracking sound, so fucking Dobby is probably in the neighborhood. Awzum logic.

• Poor Ickle Hawee was left alone at Privet Drive while everyone else went out to have fun. Yes Harry, being in a place where the evil wizard that’s after you can’t find you is totally unfair. You should be put in a cage in the middle of Knockturn Alley, wearing a t-shirt with the words “CHECK MY FOREHEAD” on it. Yeah. That’d be more fun, now wouldn’t it? <3

• I can’t help but wonder if the nickname “Big D” is a witty reference to Dudley’s man-boobs.

• Dudley says Harry isn’t brave in bed, while the Chosen One makes up a lame excuse. Guess Harry hasn’t introduced Malfoy to the family yet.

• Dudley says Harry was moaning. In bed.

• Oh wait, he was revisiting book 4 in his sleep. Right. Moving on…

• Harry does NOT have the power to turn off the stars. But he’s THE CHOSEN ONE.

• Harry struggling to produce a patronus *yawn* Here we have PoA in an nutshell.