GoF Chapter Thirty-Four

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Harry might have run, but damn that injured leg! Looks like he’ll have to kick arse instead. Could not be manlier.

*Embarrassing as it sounds, I’m quite proud of the Death Eaters for closing their circle to get rid of the gaps. I would not have trusted these guys to do that.

*Harry’s remembering that former life again, when people cared about silly things like dueling clubs and lunch and homework and all that stuff you ordinary kids should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking about when Harry is dealing with real problems like facing certain death. You’re thinking about them right now, aren’t you? Damn cake-eaters!

*I wonder if Harry could have bought time by telling Voldemort he didn’t know how to duel and could he, the greatest Wizard ever, please teach him sir. I can’t believe Voldemort would pass up the chance to teach him. ("I wanted to teach DADA, but Dumbledore thwarted my plans and nobody cared!")

*Bow to death, Harry. And the DEs dutifully laugh. Good one Voldemort. (Being a DE is SO embarrassing! Even Draco stops doing that sort of thing for Snape in sixth year.)

*Look at all sexy tortured and defiant Harry. You can see where the capslock came from in OotP—Harry finds strength in surliness.

*Seriously, DEs, when you see the 14-year-old defying Voldemort and throwing off the Imperio you might want to reconsider your own bowing and scraping.

*Reflexes born of Quidditch training. Right.

*Too bad Harry only knows that one Expelliariumus spell. Except didn’t he actually spend half the book practicing spells? Why is he suddenly thinking all he knows is the one thing he learned two years ago?

*He totally learned expelliarimus from Snape, you know! That's why it's the best!

*Next year, of course, he'll decide he knows loads of defensive spells that he can teach the DA.

*Yes, they’re wizards, but sometimes in a duel you need a little light sabre action. Let’s see those streams of different colored lights!

*The Death Eaters are dealing as expected, running around like idiots asking for instructions.

*Don’t break the connection says someone like a friend in his ear. A friend who has just been connected to the Phoenix song and Dumbledore. Clearly this is the voice of Ginny, Harry’s true love, who knows all about obscure magical snafus. What do you mean that’s ridiculous? You just can’t do literary interpretation.

*So what would come out of Harry’s wand if the bead had gone over to him? Endless attempts at Accio etc.? Lots of ghostly pillows? Goyle, covered with boils telling Voldemort Harry sucks?

*Harry must really be stressed. He forgot to tell us how attractive Cedric’s ghost is.

*Now, in my book James appears after Bertha. Has that been changed in later issues when somebody remembered Lily should be first? Oh dear, maths.

*And the crowd of Death Eaters who can do magic can’t even stop Harry from running away in an open graveyard. Bravo, Death Eaters.

*Ah, there’s that Accio. Knew Jo would find one more use for it.

*Well, that went well. Voldemort’s return is off to a smashing start. Sideshow Bob could have done no better.

*However, this is all Shakespeare next to the travesty that is the movie adaptation of The Dark is Rising that is opening today. Bastards!

*Honestly, how did any of these guys ever think LV was going to win this war?



Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
See Harry run through a graveyard alone with dozens of DEs aiming spells at him. See Harry dodge every single one even though they’re behind him. See Harry take out a Death Eater with a spell shot over his shoulder.

Idiot World
Two dozen to one and you still lost. Seriously guys, find a new Evil Overlord.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
Um, so maybe James got killed first but sort of hung around and refused to go into the wand and then he stepped aside and let Lily go into the after life first so when the Priori Incantatum started…

Ken’s Rule of Guns
Not one DE tries to hex Harry until he’s got a good lead. And then they miss anyway, see Hero’s Death Battle Exemption.

"Watermelon, watermelon, cantaloupe, cantaloupe"
Just about the only thing the DEs do in this scene.

Final score: 5