deathtocapslock | OotP Chapter Nineteen

* It's called The Lion and the Serpent because The Chapter Where Gryffindor Beats Slytherin At Quidditch As Per Usual doesn’t sound as cool.

* Luna provides a lion, but the closest we get to a serpent is Malfoy curled up in a fetal position on the grass while being stomped. That’s where serpents belong!

* I love that having people from different houses cross the Great Hall to speak to each other too often would look too suspicious. Ah, the house system. Such a brilliant idea!

* Ron became "very excited" when he saw Hermione’s galleons because he though she was giving out real gold. Ron's to have no dignity in this book whatsoever. He now drools at the mere sight of money.

* ETA: In DH Hermione supplies all the money for the Trio while they camp, even though Harry's the one with the fortune. It's good to be the Chosen One!

* Terry Boot seems offended that Hermione's not in Ravenclaw since she can do NEWT level charms. I wonder if this is a sign that all students suspect Dumbledore fixes the house cup to put the best people in Gryffindor.

* I once again find myself thinking there’s no intelligence involved here, just access to powerful magic and skill at using it.

* When I read this the first time I thought surely the fact that the coins reminded Harry of the Dark Mark, and Hermione confirms that’s where she got the idea, was a clear sign that yes, the good guys were indeed becoming what they despised. But maybe it’s just a way to lead to Harry’s joke that "he likes Hermione's way better" because she wasn’t so barbaric as to mark the members' skin. Except she did mark the members' skin, moron.

* Um, the Slytherins are bad, mmmmkay? Hexing people all week. At least Bletchly is. Malfoy sort of steps back in this book and lets other Slytherins do stuff that in the past would be all on him. All we hear about him doing is miming dropping the Quaffle at Ron, which would be funny if it were somebody else doing it. (ETA: Could the point be to have Malfoy already shying away from violence?)

* I hope this is a sign there are no "good" Slytherins waiting to plague me in the next books. ETA: Nope, the good Slytherins will only plague me in interviews.

* Harry's so cool the way he wipes the smirk off Pansy's face. Just thought I'd mention. Gryffindors would never stoop to such methods to psych out other players! They win only on skill!

* Some of the Slytherins insulting Ron are seventh years and far larger than he is! Like George and Fred are larger than Malfoy and those first years sorted into Slytherin! Only now that's a bad thing!

* We're definitely not in fanon—the castle’s drafty and cold, and students react by putting on gloves instead of doing a warming charm. Remember that the next time you see characters having sex on a stone floor in an empty classroom during Christmas break!

* Btw, stupid Muggles with their silly central heating that's only a poor substitute for Wizarding gloves!

* Slytherins are wearing silver and green hats? Are they pointy?

* Luna's supporting Gryffindor as the mascot. So we know she's awesome. Luna's quirky nontraditional thinking led her to Sort herself into Ravenclaw while really being a Gryffindor.

* Once again Harry’s super-vision comes through. He can read the Slytherin badges from no closer than he would ever get to a Slytherin. So can Hermione, because she’s so smart.

* Although Slytherin's been practicing for weeks on the pitch, Angelina has just now found out who’s actually on the team. Harry and Ron claim they know much about Crabbe and Goyle. Really guys? Can you name a single thing they’ve said since you started going to school with them?

* Just so everybody’s clear, Montague is ugly too. He’s built like Dudley, who we all remember was fat as a child, and therefore he must be evil and also stupid. Certainly not fit to share a pitch with the svelte Gryffindor team.

* I have to laugh imagining the Slytherins, actually. An entire team of large, stocky, black-haired hirsute men …and little Draco Malfoy of the white-blonde head. Although Draco, we should remember, is also like Dudley. He’s fat on the inside.

* Crabbe seems to be a better beater than Angelina gave him credit for, since he hits her with a bludger first thing. Jordan gives this an ‘ouch,’ but moments later reports ‘nice bludger work’ from George when he socks Montague in the head with one. Remember, when Slytherins sock people in the head with iron balls it's nasty even if it's the point of the game.

*ETA: Naturally Montague doesn't go unconscious from being knocked out like Harry will in HBP. Remember, bad guys don't get injured.

* As much as I die for Ron, that song’s a pretty awesome psych out from Slytherin—and of course not half as bad as the kind of thing that would probably get yelled at most sports events. I can hear it now: "Hey Weasley, your sister’s got nice tits!" and Ron’s out for the rest of the game.

* Say what you like, that Malfoy boy can scan!

*Not that Jordan’s biased or anything, but Ron is suddenly a "promising new talent" who gets, "Come on, Ron!" unlike new players Crabbe and Goyle.

* I think at the end of the series it should be revealed that the Slytherin students are actually furniture that was temporarily made to look like humans to give the real students at Hogwarts a common enemy to hate. ETA: Damn.

* Even from the back, Pansy is pug-faced.

* Malfoy’s fingernails scrabbling hopelessly at the back of Harry’s hand. There’s an image I carried away from this book and never put down. Scrabbling Without Hope is actually Draco’s Elvish Name (it's in "Voldemort Defeated").

* Moment of note in HP history: Crabbe actually does something to Harry (or anybody) by whamming a bludger at him in frustration when he caught the Snitch. ETA: This clearly shows that Crabbe is psychotic killer and sadist! Can't say that came out of nowhere now!

* Aww, look at little Draco. He’s so used to losing he goes right into Plan B. "Saved Weasley’s neck, did you?" The kid bounces back like a ferret on concrete.

* "Talk about sour grapes," says Angelina. Yeah, nothing like disliking Cedric Diggory for an entire year because he beat Harry to the Snitch, no sir.

* Angelina calls Malfoy a "jumped up little…" I wonder what she was going to say, only because "jumped up" is an expression that usually goes with some sort of personal slur—jumped up little Mudblood, for instance, makes sense.

* Malfoy knows Harry’s been brought up by Muggles. Is that common knowledge?

* People are unable to stop from punching someone and getting in trouble because he says their house smells. Seventeen year old people. WTF? Good thing Malfoy didn’t bring out the cootie card—-he wouldn’t have gotten off the pitch alive!

* I have to believe that Harry is struck by the fact that Malfoy correctly pointed out that Harry likes being at the Weasleys because he pathetically wants his mum, and not because Malfoy suggested that Harry's mother’s house was also stinky. Because otherwise it’s just too dumb.

* ETA: That taunt of Malfoys rings in Harry's ears years later everytime he has sex with Ginny.

* Harry was not aware of letting go of George, see, so he’s not really pummeling Malfoy two against one, with an older student. If you’re not aware of it, it doesn’t count.

* Harry was trying to punch "every inch of Malfoy he could reach" and use of the phrase "every inch of Malfoy he could reach" immediately gets this sentence a slash rating of at least an R. You don’t punch every inch of a person, you KISS every inch of a person. It’s hard to imagine Harry, even as angry as he is, desperate to punch Malfoy in the ankle.

* George has a fat lip—did Draco manage to get a lick in from the bottom of the pile? If so this should not in any way count against the idea that Malfoy can’t fight anyone because he’s a wuss and a coward because…because it’s still Malfoy.

* Fred is being forcibly restrained from ALSO jumping on top of Malfoy, presumably to bravely protect Harry and George who are getting their knuckles bruised. Its’ self-defense, I tell you! Malfoy’s provoking him! ETA: I hope Malfoy thanked them later--it's this kind of training that helped him survive living with Voldemort.

* Crabbe is laughing—I assume at Harry’s being knocked out by the spell, since it seems an odd way to reveal that Crabbe is, in fact, the Good Slytherin Who Hates Malfoy, especially since he’s the one what hit Harry with the bludger. ETA: I think it's more foreshadowing of Crabbe being the all-around psycho! He hates everybody in the scene!

* Harry’s still holding the Snitch. He’s just that cool.

* McGonogall refers to the fight as "an exhibition in Muggle dueling." Muggles are the catch-all insult for everyone!

* Just as McGonogall is saying something teacher-like about how what Malfoy said didn’t justify what they did, the focus conveniently switches to evil Umbridge and Harry and George as victims. Phew!

* Apparently Umbridge was already going to keep the Gryffindor team from re-forming by going to Fudge. Harry and George’s outburst may have actually saved the team by getting them banned instead.

* Just to be clear, this is a world where your school sports team gets disbanded by going to the Prime Minister. This is like that time in my school when the Twirlers wanted to raise money with a bake sale and had to wait to get approval from the Secretary of State.

* A lifelong Quidditch ban with the locked up broom is so something a teenager would fantasize about and would never happen. You could only be banned from playing a sport professionally. Why would a teacher be allowed to stop anybody from playing a game until THEY DIED OMG!!11

* It did not feel like they won the match at all. Malfoy would be smiling down in Slytherin if his face wasn’t so swollen, I’m sure!

* Crabbe got lines for whacking the bludger at Harry, at least, and since whacking a bludger at someone is part of the actual game I guess that’s not SO bad, though he should have at least gotten detention. Oh wait, if they're Umbridge lines that's pretty bad.

* I’m sorry to say I suspect if George had whacked a bludger at Malfoy after he caught the Snitch (pretend we’re in a universe where that would ever happen) George would claim he slipped and it would be funny and cool that Malfoy got hit and they got away with it. ETA: Did I call that Ginny plowing into Zacharias thing here or what ??!

* Fred’s still frustrated he didn’t get to pound the "little scumbag" (and he does mean little, being two years older and larger) as well.

* So in a book for young people in which two boys just jumped on one kid (who was younger than one of them) and beat him up, there’s no reason whatsoever for them to reconsider their own actions at all, thanks partially to Umbridge, but I don’t think they would have anyway. I guess we should just assume that Malfoy didn’t sustain any of the serious physical damage he would have sustained from this kind of thing. His awful personality shields him from actual injury.

* Not that I'm at all suggesting the boys' reactions were wrong. Draco said their Mums smelled. Self defense, remember!

* Harry does nobly point out Ron didn’t make him punch Draco. (Draco made him punch Draco!)

* Ron says the song wound him up and is assured it would have wound anyone up, though of course this is not true, because we just had a chapter telling us how it wouldn’t have wound Harry up. It is so hard for Harry having a loser friend like Ron. He has the patience of a saint.

* LOL! Harry gets angry at Ron for blaming himself for everything. Godammit, Ron, stop trying to horn in on Harry’s pity party! ETA: Just follow Harry's lead and tell yourself "all is well" when really you're still dying inside because your parents that you don't remember got killed when you were a baby.

* Hagrid’s back. NOOOOOOOO!

Designated Hero
In this chapter, our heroes pile up on a truly obnoxious but smaller kid and then mope about not getting to play Quidditch. Except Fred, who mopes about not being able to make it 3 on 1 as well as not getting to play Quidditch. It doesn’t even feel like they won the game! Their only small consolation is that hopefully Slytherin doesn’t feel like they won the game either.

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
Malfoy might lose a game by not concentrating on the Snitch for minutes at a time, but Harry sure won’t.

IITS
Why would a fifteen or seventeen year old react that violently to some kid telling him yo momma smells?

And by the way, everybody wants Gryffindor to win even when they themselves are ultimately hoping to win. Don’t ask how that works. It's what will have to do in place of actual house unity.

Informed Attributes
Advanced charm work is the result of intelligence. Even though there’s no actual thinking involved, except what’s necessary to produce the right emotion or physical gesture.

Jabootu score: 4.5