Deathly Hallows – Chapter 7

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

The Will of Albus Dumbledore

The chapter starts with a dream-vision of Voldemort, searching the villages of Bulgaria, obsessed with finding… someone. I guess we’re back to the technique of withholding names in order to create mystery for approximately six paragraphs.

Ron wakes Harry up and tells him he was muttering “Gregorovitch” in his sleep. I defy anyone to distinguish that name during a mutter.

Harry obsesses about the name Gregorovitch for about a page. I’m guessing there were probably at least a couple hundred fans (none of them me) who shouted at the page, “Gregorovitch! The guy who made Viktor Krum’s wand!” But I have to hand it to JKR, the other 99.99% of us never realized that was going to be a clue back in GoF.

Ron reminds Harry that it’s his birthday and Harry dorks out, just like Fred and George did, by doing all sorts of gratuitous magic. That’s fun.

Then Ron gives Harry a book, Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. Cue the wand=penis jokes.

But, my inner continuity editor raises it’s red pencil when Ron mentions that Fred and George gave him the book. Did they give it to him on his birthday last year? If so, then Ron would have had it before he broke up with Lavender, and had the opportunity to “charm” Hermione during the last three months of school. If not, they must have randomly chucked it at him during the funeral or something.

Downstairs, Harry finds a pile of presents, including a watch from Arthur and Molly. It’s a sweet moment, as the watch once belonged to Fabian, Molly brother, who was killed by Death Eaters. Omigod, I just realized that that isn’t stated here—in order to understand the significance of this present, the reader has to remember that Fabian was one of the people in the photograph Moody showed Harry in OotP, and infer that Fabian and Gideon were Molly’s twin brothers (based on the F and G initials)…. In other words, I am a total dork.

But while I’m dorking out, this is very clever foreshadowing for Fred’s death later on.

Hermione gives Harry a Sneakoscope, maintaining her title as Worst Gift-Giver Ever.

I know I should say something snarky about Hermione washing Ron’s underwear, but, frankly, if he’s going to get upset about that, he ought to wash his own damn undies. (Sigh. What wouldn’t Snape have given for someone—anyone—to wash his shorts?)

Ginny then offers Harry the best gift of all. Oh, I can’t believe I wrote that. Okay, it’s sweet that she’s having sex with him for his birthday, but she’s careful to tie it into her jealousy of Gabrielle, which just makes it seem desperate.

Yet again, Ron interrupts Ginny as she’s making out with a guy. Oddly enough, this time she doesn’t burst into tears, hex him, or scream about how he’s only snogged Aunt Muriel. I guess his months of sucking Lavender Brown’s face have not been in vain after all.

Ron takes Harry outside to yell at him—with Hermione fluttering after them like she has any business being there. As she tries to interrupt, Ron tells her to talk to the hand. I love Ron! Okay, he really doesn’t have any right to butt into Ginny’s love life, but I like how he mans up here and doesn’t get cowed by Harry the way he usually does.

As Ron scolds him, Harry has a sudden vision of Ginny marrying some “tall, faceless, unpleasant stranger.” So, apparently her choices are Harry… or Yaxley.

The color scheme for Harry’s birthday decorations are purple and gold—which is a departure from the usual red and gold symbolism. Purple is usually associated with royalty. So, I guess Harry is a prince? (Ron, of course, didn’t get any decorations as he was in the hospital and we never, ever hear about Hermione having a party or even presents for her birthday—which is supposedly in September or October, although I think her parents once sent her some cash).

Ron compliments Hermione and Harry guesses that he’d find a chapter on doing that in the witch-charming book if he ever had time to read it. Oh Harry, don’t be silly. You’ll spend weeks stuck in a tent with a witch and nothing to do and you still won’t bother to read a book!

Molly levitates Harry’s birthday cake, with Harry thinking that it looks like a beach ball-sized Snitch. That makes it sound like it’s completely spherical. I furrow my brow, wondering how she’s going to set it down without ruining it. But maybe it will just float above the table, and they’ll whack it apart like a piñata?

Hagrid shows up, along with the Lupins. Remus is looking unhappy, while Tonks is radiant. Having read the book, I realize that Remus is feeling guilty, knowing that he’s causing Tonks all kinds of trouble. But man… this image just makes them seem like the worst, most disconnected couple in the world. I mean, the most obvious reading of them right here is that Tonks is in total denial that Remus married her because she vaguely reminded him of Sirius.

I’m going to be wicked and assume that Tonks lures Lupin into bed each night by metamorphmaging herself to resemble Sirius.

Hagrid gives Harry a mokeskin pouch, a thing he describes as being very rare. Great, now Harry has an incredibly special, rare thing. Let’s add that to the list:

1. Incredibly special invisibility cloak: Used to steal into Hogsmeade to buy candies and joke products.

2. Special and expensive broomstick: Used for Quidditch. Destroyed by willow tree.

3. Even more special and expensive broomstick: Used for Quidditch. Dropped out of a motorcycle. (Accio Broomstick never even attempted.)

3. Special and expensive owl: Dropped out of a motorcycle and exploded.

4. Rare and special mokeskin pouch: Used to store broken glass.


Charlie is described as “shorter than Ron.” As though Ron were short. I can’t keep the heights of these Weasleys straight. Now they’re short, now they’re tall…

Hermione reinforces the stereotype of girls who read books as hapless virgins when she asks Charlie how to tell a girl dragon from a boy dragon. How I wish Charlie had replied, “The 12 foot penis is big hint.”

Arthur’s patronus arrives with the message that the Minister of Magic is coming to ruin yet another Weasley celebration. Lupin grabs Tonks by the wrist, hauls her over a fence, and vanishes. Apparently, the Minister of Magic would get annoyed to see her with her werewolf husband. I think he’d be more upset to see her celebrating the birthday of that uppity Chosen One.

Arthur then shows up in person, escorting Minister Scrimgeour into the party. Oddly enough, Fred and George don’t start pelting Arthur with mashed parsnips. What gives? I thought that was the accepted protocol in such situations.

Scrimgeour asks to see the Trio in the sitting room. He sits at the desk, while the Trio find the sofa barely large enough to contain the three of them and their massive indignation.

Hermione suddenly acquires a post-university education in Magical Law, citing the fine print on the Decree of Justifiable Confiscation. Scrimgeour asks if she is planning a career in law. “No, I’m not,” she retorts, “I’m hoping do some good in the world!”

Oooo! Snap! You give him the smackdown, Hermione. Lawyers are merely tools of oppression!

Until you need them to help you suppress the printing of a fan guide, that is.

Scrimgeour swoops down on Ron when he inadvertently lets slip that he wasn’t close to Dumbledore. Watching this guy go after these kids is like watching a hawk hunting fleas. And why this question is being asked is unfathomable, unless it’s merely to give Harry the change to note that Ron was rather insignificant to Dumbledore.

Nobody, of course, is going to question Hermione’s closeness to Dumbledore. As we’ll learn later, everyone and Dumbledore’s brother knew that Hermione was worth getting to know.

Dumbledore left his Deluminator to Ron. This was previously known as the Putter-Outer, back in PS/SS. I’m fascinated by the name change. From an Angle-Saxon name to a more Norman one. This, along with the treatment towards the Delacours, leads me to suspect that JKR is trying to make up to the French for stereotyping in GoF. What? It’s a theory!

By the way, Harry knows that the Deluminator can turn off lights in a room. How Harry knows this is beyond me, unless he can remember all the way back to the night Dumbledore left him on that doorstep.

Scrimgeour says, “Dumbledore had thousands of students, yet the only three he remembered in his will are you three.” Thanks, Snape. Thanks, Lupin and Tonks. Thanks Bill, and Fred, and permanently maimed George. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

God! Hermione is crying again. Hey, Harry, if you’re going to talk about how admirable Ginny is for never crying, let’s hear about how annoying Hermione is for turning on the waterworks every five minutes in this book.

Harry feels disappointed when he learns Dumbledore left him the first snitch he ever caught. It could have been worse, Harry. Dumbledore could have left you a copy of Deathly Hallows.

When Scrimgeour suspects that Dumbledore hid something just for Harry in the snitch, Hermione introduces us all to the concept of “flesh memory.” Did we have to learn this from Hermione? Would it have killed JKR to let Ron give out this Quidditch-specific piece of information? She even comments how surprising it is for Hermione to know an obscure fact about Quidditch when Hermione knows nothing about Quidditch!

Hehe. And then, in the most dramatic passing of a tiny gold metal ball from one person to another in the history of magic, Scrimgeour hands the Snitch to Harry and… nothing happens!

Scrimgeour refuses to hand over the Sword of Gryffindor, declaring it the property of the school, and not Dumbledore’s to give to anyone. Yes! Go Scrimgeour! I want to have your babies now!

Tempers flare as Scrimgeour demands to know if Dumbledore thought Harry was indeed “chosen” to defeat Voldemort. Who freakin’ cares? If Dumbledore had a plan, you’re not in on it, Scrimgeour. And if it involves putting Harry up against Voldemort, it’s obviously the stupidest plan ever, so you might as well go back to your office and wait to be killed.

I do find it pretty funny that Harry, who is one of the most passive heroes ever written, suddenly turns into Che Guevara every time Scrimgeour shows up.

“I don’t like your methods, remember?” Harry snarls, raising his Mighty Fist of Integrity. “How dare you ask for a coordinated effort against a terrorist when you refuse to fire the woman who has never been accused of anything! She was raped by centaurs! What more proof do you need of her guilt?”

The rest of the party is glossed over, as Harry focuses on getting the Trio together in Ron’s room. While they wait for Hermione, Harry fills his new pouch with the shard of mirror, the R.A.B. locket, and the Marauder’s Map. So, this neck pouch is either bigger inside than out, or else that map has shrunk to the size of a postage stamp.

Hermione casts Muffliato. Ron remarks that she didn’t approve of the spell the year before. “Times change,” Hermione says. I guess this should prepare us for Harry’s later casting of unforgivable curses. In the meantime, it just makes Hermione look like a big hypocrite.

Ron demonstrates the power of the Deluminator by turning out the lights. Hermione can’t help commenting on how lame a piece of magic that is. While I agree with her, I don’t blame Ron for getting defensive about it. s

But it really is lame. Granted, the book and the snitch don’t look any better, but it’s just Ron in a nutshell, isn’t it? If he went out Trick-or-Treating with the Peanuts gang, Ron would end up getting a rock in his candy sack, just like Charlie Brown.

Harry and Hermione are flabbergasted at the thought of Ron reading a book that Hermione had not read. But the natural order of the universe is restored when Ron explains that he didn’t really read The Tales of Beedle the Bard, he just heard the stories as a child.

Hermione explains that, as Muggles, she and Harry heard different stories. Harry remains silent on the subject, but I wonder if he actually ever heard Snow White or Cinderella, considering that he spent his childhood locked in a cupboard.

So, in the last six chapters, we have covered approximately four days. At this rate, in order to cover the entire school year, this book will need to be… about as long as it actually is.

Fan Service:
Harry finally gets a birthday party!
Harry and Ginny get it on!


Fan Slappage:
Remember the big built-up when Scrimegeour’s character was introduced? What the hell was the point of him, anyway?


DVD Extras:
INT. DAY – HEADMASTER’S OFFICE AT HOGWARTS
Albus Dumbledore is scribbling at a parchment. On the desk are an old leatherbound book, a Deluminator, two halves of a golden snitch, and a small, cracked pebble. Most of the headmaster portraits are sleeping, but ARNOLD DIPPET watches curiously.

Dumbeldore pauses, then pulls out his wand. With the wand, he carefully levitates the pebble into one half of the golden snitch. Then, with a flourish, he closes the two halves up, sealing it tight. He resumes his writing.

Dippet cranes forward to look over Dumbledore’s shoulder.

DIPPET
Finally making out your will, eh, Albus?

ALBUS
I suppose it is high time.

Dumbledore waves his blackened hand.

PHINEAS NIGELLUS (from his portrait)
Figured out you aren’t immortal? So, you’re leaving the boy a stone?

ALBUS
Not just any stone. It’s the Resurrection Stone.

The portraits laugh at this.

ALBUS (cont’d)
Scoff if you must. But the legend is true. And leaving the book to Miss Granger will ensure that he learns about the Deathly Hallows.

DIPPET
Why not just give him the stone, Albus? Tell him what it is and how it works.

ALBUS
That would be far too easy. It may take Harry many years to destroy Lord Voldemort’s Horcruxes. Without something to puzzle over, he could get bored and start having children or something silly like that.

DIPPET
True enough!

NIGELLUS
What else are you giving away?

ALBUS
My books to the library. My inventions to the school. I’m leaving a left-handed corkscrew to Minerva.

DIPPET
Whatever for?

ALBUS
No reason. Just something for her to wonder about. Same with Elphias Doge. I’m leaving him a portrait of Celestrina Warbeck, signed “With all my love” in invisible ink. I’m leaving two copies of “A History of Hogwarts” to Madam Pompfrey, one copy of which is missing the pages 237-346, and the other of which is defaced with large red Xs on pages 45 and 68. I’m leaving all my houseplants to Hagrid and my rare magical insect collection to Madam Sprout. Oh, and I’m leaving my reading glasses to Alistair Moody.

NIGELLUS
And what about Professor Snape? Are you leaving him anything?

ALBUS
No point. I assume that, within a year or two, he’ll either be dead or in prison.

NIGELLUS
It might help if you note in your will that bit about asking him to kill you.

ALBUS
That’s far too easy—no, wait! That’s the stroke of genius! “To Professor Snape, my fond hope that he will succeed me in my position as Headmaster.” Excellent! That will keep people guessing for decades!

Humming, he pops a lemon drop in his mouth and continues writing. Nigellus and Dippet exchange exasperated looks and go back to sleep.

FADE OUT

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I admit. I actually did remember Gregorovich. Probably due to recapping that incredibly Freudian chapter in GoF, but still I did remember it. You'd think that should be fairly recognizable a name for any Wizard, though.

You're right, that's a nice foreshadowing of Fred's death. Too bad Fred's death itself is such a non-events. Sorry, I mean a world-stopping event.

Snape had House Elves washing his shorts. I think the greyness must have been permenant, like the Slytherin stain on his soul or something.

Heh. I suppose we never noticed that clever juxtoposition of Harry and Snape there. What if Ginny married some other man? Harry would have to pine for her forever!

I mean, the most obvious reading of them right here is that Tonks is in total denial that Remus married her because she vaguely reminded him of Sirius

Yup. I seriously never saw anything R/S in canon until this book where if nothing else I knew Remus never wanted to get married.

“The 12 foot penis is big hint.”

LOL! That would have been funny. Though it makes me think of Hermione announcing to Ron on their wedding night that he's smaller than Harry (which she knows from being Harry via Polyjuice).

Btw, it's sad the way the death of Moody still hangs over this chapter, isn't it?

Until you need them to help you suppress the printing of a fan guide, that is.

True to form, Hermione did become a lawyer.

Seriously, why does the deluminator find lost people again? It's got to be one of the most random bits of magic ever.

Of course by "random" I mean not random at all, since it's totally plot-dictated.

Dumbledore's will is like the suicide notes in Heathers--like just leaving behind your copy of Moby dick with ESKIMO scrawled in it.

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

As Ron scolds him, Harry has a sudden vision of Ginny marrying some “tall, faceless, unpleasant stranger.” So, apparently her choices are Harry… or Yaxley.

Harry wishes.

I mean, the most obvious reading of them right here is that Tonks is in total denial that Remus married her because she vaguely reminded him of Sirius.

It's the blood-relation thing. Maybe they smell similar to him when he's wolfish.

“The 12 foot penis is big hint.”

The male's is three feet longer.

Lupin grabs Tonks by the wrist, hauls her over a fence, and vanishes.

Ah-hah! That's how she did it. She glommed onto his arousal at danger and was constantly threatening the Ministry or Dementors. Behind the wall today, who knows where it was last week or the week before.

Oddly enough, Fred and George don’t start pelting Arthur with mashed parsnips. What gives? I thought that was the accepted protocol in such situations.

Parsnips are so last year. This year it's subtle ignoring.

How Harry knows this is beyond me, unless he can remember all the way back to the night Dumbledore left him on that doorstep.

Dudley passed him his copy of SS/PS.

Dumbledore could have left you a copy of Deathly Hallows.

He just thought Dudley would do that.

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

I defy anyone to distinguish that name during a mutter.

Ron's probably frequently woken up by Harry moaning the names of various wizards, and is now adept at identifying who's who.

if he’s going to get upset about that, he ought to wash his own damn undies.

Hahaha, as if a man could wash his own underwear! If you don't get a wife or house elf (same thing), they just stay dirty.
Hermione's excellent wife material, though, I can't say I'd be willing to do my SO's laundry at seventeen. (Or...now.) I guess Molly's accepted this, too, since there's no tedious argument over who gets the supreme honour of serving the menfolk, like there was with Fleur.

Harry has a sudden vision of Ginny marrying some “tall, faceless, unpleasant stranger.”

Notice it's always, always about a competition with other men for Harry. (Ginny has the same thing, but hers seems to be more generic 'Girls hate other girls' than it actually being the rivalry turning her on.) The times when he wants Ginny most are always when he thinks another guy might, too.
Anyway, his vision about Ginny marrying an unpleasant guy came true, even if the details were off.

Oddly enough, Fred and George don’t start pelting Arthur with mashed parsnips. What gives?

Fred and George always seem to rein in their hilarious japes when there's someone powerful around. (Not in a Slytherin way, obviously!)

Lawyers are merely tools of oppression!

LOL, ever get the feeling Rowling dislikes rules, authority and laws not so much because she's so awesomely free-spirited, but because she just likes to get her way all the time?

Harry feels disappointed when he learns Dumbledore left him the first snitch he ever caught. It could have been worse, Harry. Dumbledore could have left you a copy of Deathly Hallows.

ROFL!

[eir-de-scania.livejournal.com]

I’m going to be wicked and assume that Tonks lures Lupin into bed each night by metamorphmaging herself to resemble Sirius.
***I've read a fanfic like that...or five.

Charlie is described as “shorter than Ron.” As though Ron were short. I can’t keep the heights of these Weasleys straight. Now they’re short, now they’re tall…
***Bill, Percy and Ron = tall and rangy. Charlie and twins = shorter and stockier. See? If I can remember that, anyone can.


Hermione reinforces the stereotype of girls who read books as hapless virgins when she asks Charlie how to tell a girl dragon from a boy dragon. How I wish Charlie had replied, “The 12 foot penis is big hint.”
***Perhaps dragons are like most birds in that aspect. Cocks doesn't have cocks, y'know.
Really, I think it was JKR skirting the edge here. I suspect she'd rather like to have put in your answer if her publishers wouldn't have veto'ed it.


Harry feels disappointed when he learns Dumbledore left him the first snitch he ever caught. It could have been worse, Harry. Dumbledore could have left you a copy of Deathly Hallows.
***JKR made Harry *live through* DH. And she says she loves him...

[aasaylva.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, this time she doesn’t burst into tears, hex him, or scream about how he’s only snogged Aunt Muriel.
Ginny II would have done that, but DH-Ginny is essentially the resurrected GoF-Ginny, so her meekness fits.

...Harry guesses that he’d find a chapter on doing that in the witch-charming book if he ever had time to read it.
Of course he won't. Charming witches only means "getting them" and Harry already "has" Ginny. So why would he want to charm her?


I’m going to be wicked and assume that Tonks lures Lupin into bed each night by metamorphmaging herself to resemble Sirius.
LOL! That would explain how intelligent Lupin could be prevailed on to get her up the duff in the first place - he thought conception needed a female body during intercourse.

Hermione suddenly acquires a post-university education in Magical Law, citing the fine print on the Decree of Justifiable Confiscation.
Yes! She reminded me of Trinity in Matrix who - when asked whether she knew how to fly a helicopter - said "not yet", because she promptly downloaded the required knowledge. Hermione, OTOH, is supposed to have read and learnt all the stuff beforehand.

Lawyers are merely tools of oppression! Until you need them to help you suppress the printing of a fan guide, that is.
Another hint Rowling never bothered to know who worked for Amnesty international or how that work is done - I'm ready to take any bet she just thought AI looked good as part of her public image.

Harry knows that the Deluminator can turn off lights in a room. How Harry knows this is beyond me, unless he can remember all the way back to the night Dumbledore left him on that doorstep.
No! After the sectumsempra incident, Harry was consumed with remorse and while lying awake at night, he realized he'd never fallen for the evil machinations of the Prince if he'd known at least rudimentary Latin. And so he applied himself and learnt it, thus being able to translate the Deluminator's name. AU, I know, but a girl can dream!

[tdotm.livejournal.com]

- “When Scrimgeour suspects that Dumbledore hid something just for Harry in the snitch, Hermione introduces us all to the concept of “flesh memory.” Did we have to learn this from Hermione? Would it have killed JKR to let Ron give out this Quidditch-specific piece of information?”

That would have been sensible, realistic characterization, instead of the Hollywood, over-the-top, know it all without having to learn it all, I know what a Mudblood is, Super Hermione that JKR enthusiastically adopted from WB. I’m no fan, but Kloves apparently had to take the rap for poor decisions by WB when building characters. JKR *chooses* to follow their painfully uninspired ideas.

- “Scrimgeour refuses to hand over the Sword of Gryffindor, declaring it the property of the school and not Dumbledore’s to give to anyone. Yes! Go Scrimgeour! I want to have your babies now!”

I’m prepared to offer him a night of naughtiness! I remember reading a review where someone said they couldn’t believe Scrimgeour died rather than talk, because there was no sign of his liking Harry in this scene, as if that was should be the deciding factor. He HATED Harry - that’s his most attractive feature! He was a wonderful rare character who despised the Chosen One, yet wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. He made the right decision for its own sake, not because of Harry worship. Obviously this meant he had to die, but it was probably for the best. If he’d retired, than lived to see his eventual replacement (wasn't he previously Head Auror?) – it would probably have killed him. Or Harry would have ended up a teacher because Scrimgeour would never have accepted Harry as an Auror. Sigh.

Snape for 6.75 books was the uber example of someone on the good side who hated Harry, but wasn’t a baddie – he just didn’t act out of love for GoldenPolyJuiceBoy. Then JKR revealed his true motivations, which were even more tiresome – the woman had been dead for some 15 years and had never loved him anyway. Pathetic waste.

- “Remember the big built-up when Scrimegeour’s character was introduced? What the hell was the point of him, anyway?”

More of JKR’s runaway plot? After she struggled to pull her story together after Goblet, I wish she’d hired a ghost-writer then. Or had a serious editor/input from Bloomsbury - and none from WB. There are so many things/people that could be extremely interesting, but just fizzle to nothing. Was there really never meant to be any more point to Tonks being a metamorphagus? Or to Tonks in general?

[eri1980b.livejournal.com]

"this image just makes them seem like the worst, most disconnected couple in the world"
- This is what happens when a person is forced into marriage. In the space of about 2 months, Remus has gone from being old, poor and dangerous to being all of the above, plus married with a kid on the way. I wonder why Tonks thought a baby would be a good idea in the middle of a war? And have these people not thought of using contraception? Yes Lupin, I am talking to you!

"Harry, if you’re going to talk about how admirable Ginny is for never crying, let’s hear about how annoying Hermione is for turning on the waterworks every five minutes in this book."
- I hated that bit where he is going on about Ginny not being weepy and that being a good thing. I presume he is comparing her to Cho, who was grieving all the way through her relationship with Harry. By that comparison, Ginny comes across about as soft and warm as Margaret Thatcher. Also, I think it sets a poor example for the kiddies who read this; I hope they listen to other people who say its ok to cry when you feel sad.

"Go Scrimgeour! I want to have your babies now!"
- I don't get Harry's outrage with Scrimgeor. When he went through all that with Umbridge that was under Fudge's regime. Scrimgeour had nothing to do with it. Throughout the last book Scrimgeour knew he had to raise morale, and looked to harry to help him do it. Scrimgeour's downfall is he seems to be operating on the basis that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the (chosen) one, whereas everyone else is doing the exact opposite. I liked him throughout his brief stay within this story, and he is on my list of wizards actually using common sense with success!


"Granted, the book and the snitch don’t look any better, but it’s just Ron in a nutshell, isn’t it? If he went out Trick-or-Treating with the Peanuts gang, Ron would end up getting a rock in his candy sack, just like Charlie Brown"
-I don't see it that way. The problem with Ron is that he never appreciates what he's got. Over the course of the series we've seen him moan about Scabbers (Only stopping when Crookshanks started attacking him), the presents from his mum at Christmas, Pigwidgeon, the list goes on! Ron would be one of those people that is never satisfied with his lot, and doesn't know how to make the best of a situation.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

Hermione reinforces the stereotype of girls who read books as hapless virgins when she asks Charlie how to tell a girl dragon from a boy dragon. How I wish Charlie had replied, “The 12 foot penis is big hint.”

Many male lizards would have concealed penises. Or so I think.

But it really is lame. Granted, the book and the snitch don’t look any better, but it’s just Ron in a nutshell, isn’t it? If he went out Trick-or-Treating with the Peanuts gang, Ron would end up getting a rock in his candy sack, just like Charlie Brown.

And Hermione would be Lucy!

[the-bitter-word.livejournal.com]

Hagrid gives Harry a mokeskin pouch, a thing he describes as being very rare. Great, now Harry has an incredibly special, rare thing. Let’s add that to the list:

1. Incredibly special invisibility cloak: Used to steal into Hogsmeade to buy candies and joke products.

2. Special and expensive broomstick: Used for Quidditch. Destroyed by willow tree.

3. Even more special and expensive broomstick: Used for Quidditch. Dropped out of a motorcycle. (Accio Broomstick never even attempted.)

3. Special and expensive owl: Dropped out of a motorcycle and exploded.

4. Rare and special mokeskin pouch: Used to store broken glass.

5. Accidental and special horcrux Voldie-vision: Excuse for not learning Occlumency and not taking action in a crisis.

6. Most specially brightest witch of her age: Sulked at, guilt-tripped, taken for granted, undermined.

7. Special and most sought-after young witch at Hogwarts: Object of chest monster rage, creepy hours of dot ponderings, and Stepfordization with children to serve as proxies for the dead.

8. Special rock of rebirth: Conjured death's cheering squad.

9. Special potion of luck: Got his teacher drunk.

10. Special luck beyond compare: Needed, but stretched credulity of readers.

11. Spooky, special Dark mansion: Still haunted by Dustledore to this day, with a special, untouchable schoolbag of garbage and clutter by the stand in the hall.

12. Special Beavis best friend: Suspected if not blamed him for constantly being jealous.

13. Special hand of love: Killed Quirrell.

14. Special writing on hand: Used to highlight Mighty Fist of Integrity!

15. Special sword of vengeance: Dove in an ice pond for it, then handed it off to Beavis.

16. Special map of Hogwarts: Used to steal into Hogsmeade to buy candies, etc. ... and to spy on girlfriend's movements.

17. Special house elf No. 1: Used to harass house elf no. 2, then forgot about until, "Wake up! It's time to die!"

18. Special house elf No. 2: Forgot about until used to make imaginary sandwich.

19. Special adult friends who wanted to help: Told them to get lost, he had the special instructions from Dumbledore and only he could do the job.

20. Special instructions from Dumbledore: That's right: special.

21. Special trust of a goblin: Planned to betray.

22. Unique and special popularity: Despised those who looked up to him, as well as those who didn't.

23. Special leadership skills: Hid in a forest for months.

24. Special Giant friend: Eventually avoided like an embarrassing plague.

25. Special ghost friend: Used, then left as seconds for Draco Malfoy.

26. Special mirror: Forgot about it, leading others to death and injury, then remembered incongruously, leading other to death.

27. Special wand no. 1: See "special luck beyond compare" above, then broke it thanks to Voldie-vision.

28. Special and unbeatable wand no. 2: Used to repair special wand no. 1.

29. Special annotated Potions text: Passed the improvements in it off as his own, basking in adulation, then lied about it, hid it, and forgot about it.

30. Special and rare snake-talking ability: Fell right into Nagini's, er, arms.

31. Special magical education: Let Hermione learn it.

32. Special, time-limited mother's blood protection: Resented it for keeping him at Dursleys.

33. Special mom: Never thought about her.

34. Special vault of gold: Felt guilty about it, if he ever thought of it.

35. Special trial before Wizengamot: Learned to lie from the best.

36. Special and poignant memories of Severus Snape: Convinced death was the only answer, then bragged to Voldemort about how Snape loved his mom, nyah nyah nyah.

37. Special near-death experience: Squandered due to lack of a well-organized mind.

38. Super-special relationship with Albus Dumbledore: Hated him for one year, then followed him almost without question the next, then angsted over him and followed him blindly at the end.

39. Extra special and only love of Albus Dumbledore: Deserved it.

40. Special ability to love that makes him unique: ... ah ...

(I love a list.)

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

“The 12 foot penis is big hint.”

Technically, since dragons are reptile-like creatures, I don't think they would have penises....