HBP Chapter Three

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*This is the chapter where Dumbledore’s a total asshole, isn’t it? ::sigh::

*Harry snores! And he sleeps with his mouth open! His room’s a mess! He’s so human and flawed—get it?

*Btw, I’m just going to assume that although he’s waiting for Dumbledore to pick him up he hasn’t showered in four days.

*If anybody wants to have a quick argument about “fug” and whether it’s a typo or a real word, and whether if it’s a real word it’s the right word to use here, here’s your time. Harry’s sleeping. He won’t mind.

*I know I already mentioned him being a slob but…apple cores? That’s gross. I’ll bet there’s owl droppings all over everything too.

*So the prophecy is fabled? People didn’t know about it before? Why not, since Dumbledore helpfully had it officially placed in the MoM? Isn’t this the type of thing everyone is supposed to find out about, like Harry and the Philosopher’s Stone?

*Some are going so far as to call Harry Potter “The Chosen One” because being wizards we don’t know that’s Keanu Reeves. And that it’s a really bad cliché.

*Scrimgeor has a “ravaged face.” This is a world where pretty much everything can be cured, yet we’ve got all these Gryffindor men walking around with scarred faces. Don’t tell me that’s not intentional.

*So…does Augusta Longbottom think Neville is a friend of Harry’s because Neville pathetically talks about him all the time, or is she, like everyone else, just desperate to drop Harry’s name?

*The Ministry has come up with tons of new security for Hogwarts. They do not know a man is coming to destroy their petty plans for protection. His house is Slytherin and his name is Señor Draco.

*Dear Harry, if it is convenient to you… Oh man, Albus is laying it on thick. Like he cares if it’s convenient to anyone.

*Harry had not packed. And before you criticize him at all he didn’t pack because he’s an orphan and doesn’t trust anyone to really care about him or for anything to work out well ever. There. Bet you feel badly now for suggesting he might have packed.

*He’s also completely forgotten to warn the Dursleys. Also because he’s an orphan and...well, because it’ll be funnier if the Dursleys get to gape when Albus shows up.

*Harry notes that Vernon can tell Dumbledore is a man difficult to bully. Somehow he manages to do this without considering that this is because Dumbledore is a bigger bully.

*And so begins Dumbledore’s plan of “Bait the Muggles to show what a great guy I really am to Harry so maybe he forgets that I didn’t care how the Muggles treated him until I needed him.”

*Btw, the Dursleys are all still ugly. So I guess they’re still bad people.

*Sadly, I find myself getting my hopes up that the Dursleys will get a chance to show Harry how little they care that Dumbledore has died next year, but presumably Ron and Hermione will descend on their house and move in to bully them for weeks in his place. This will go over with all the readers who haven’t figured out they themselves are Muggles yet.

*The glasses knocking against the Dursleys heads makes me so angry, and makes Dumbledore such a dick, it makes me want to climb into the book and tell him off. And push Ginny out a window. Even though she hasn’t appeared yet.

*Harry couldn’t suppress the suspicion that Dumbledore is enjoying himself with his Muggle-baiting. Well, of course he is. Here he has to be a good liberal all the time and pretend to think well of Muggles. You can imagine his joy when he finds a family of Muggles who have annoyed him so he can magically bully them while telling himself it’s not anything like Death Eaters doing it. Like the Weasleys, Dumbledore has earned himself some righteous Muggle-baiting through all his lip service to Muggle Protection.

*Dumbledore says Sirius’ will was discovered. Could that sound more fake? How long did it take you to write that will before you discovered it, Big D? And he left Harry everything, you say?

*More gold for Harry—phew! The world needs more heirs to fortunes who actually deserve it.

*By the way, Lupin’s been reduced to donating pints of blood for money, but I’m sure he’d want Sirius’ money to go to you. Rich Pureblood money should stay in the family.

*Vernon reminds us how awful he is by looking greedy at the idea of Harry being left a house. Harry, naturally, accepts his second fortune in gold with dignity by not caring at all. Unlike, say, crass, Muggle ME, who would be wondering if I could pay off my student loans. This is why money should stay with money.

*Now that Sirius is dead, Harry is free to love him the way he knows best, by making wild, violent gestures in the direction of his enemies. When he was alive he had to, like, speak to him and stuff and he didn’t care for that.

*"It would have been better manners to drink it, you know." Fuck you Dumbledore. Seriously. Fuck you with your own dead black hand. *pushes Ginny out the window because she would think this was hilarious.*

*Yay! Kreacher’s back!

*Petunia shrieks. Nothing this filthy has entered her house in living memory. Um, I beg to differ. Harry lives right upstairs.

*So if Sirius hadn’t left a will Kreacher would have gone to Bellatrix? That was pretty stupid on the Order’s part, wasn’t it? Or is Dumbledore lying because he wants Harry to have Kreacher for some reason? When in doubt, it’s usually best to assume DD is lying.

*So. Harry’s a slave-owner now. I’m sure Hermione will have something to say about that. After two books of non-stop SPEW it’s sure to just come to a head in this book. Funny how it doesn’t enter Harry’s head here. Could this be the shape of things to come?

*Dumbledore helpfully suggests Harry could let Kreacher work for him. So Dumbledore gets another house elf out of the bargain. Always gets something out of the deal, does Dumbledore.

*Hagrid would be delighted to have Buckbeak live with him. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson about being recklessly stupid with animals. That is, he’s learned that if other people are recklessly stupid enough to get bitten by them, it’s not his fault.

*The Ministry would never guess Buckbeak is the same hippogriff they once sentenced to death why, exactly? I would think it would be obvious to anyone. Do all hippogriffs look alike to them? Speciests.

*Harry finds his invisibility cloak under the bed. Dude, what did he do in that room in two weeks?

*Since this is the last time Dumbledore will be speaking with the Dursleys, he takes the opportunity to make a big ridiculous speech about how their treating Harry badly was an affront to him. I think he waits until after Kreacher’s gone to do this because Kreacher would have totally called him on the hypocrisy.

*He also zings the Dursleys on their horrible upbringing of Dudley. Trivia question: which of these two cousins is going to eviscerate a fellow student before year’s end?

*Dumbledore says he and Harry are now stepping out into the night to pursue that flighty temptress, adventure. Amazingly, Harry does not turn back around and remain with the Dursleys on the grounds of extreme gayness.



Designated Hero
See that guy teasing the family like a cross between the bully football player and the Mafia don intimidating witnesses? That’s our epitome of goodness.

Informed Attributes
He’s our epitome of goodness because of how much he cared about Harry being brought up in a loving home. He cares enough to scold his abusers at least two weeks before Harry’s never going to see them again.

IITS
Blood doesn’t matter. Except that actually it’s being with family that’s protected Harry all these years. Except that his real family are the Weasleys who love him. Except that he has to live here…look, IITS, okay?

Superfluous Racking
Dumbledore’s doing this throughout the scene because he’s such a badass with his wand and look at how scared the Dursleys are.

Final score: 4

p.s. I feel funny about using this mood. I almost feel like it should be retired in honor of potterstinks

Comments

more tomorrow - ooh, april fools! must upload my pro-life and h/g icons...

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

I know I already mentioned him being a slob but…

Men are always slobs. Because it's women's/slave's jobs to clean for them. If they're lucky, we'll cluck at their endearingly mucky natures and blow their noses on our handkerchiefs.

Some are going so far as to call Harry Potter “The Chosen One” because being wizards we don’t know that’s Keanu Reeves.

He really has matured this year. From heretic to Christ himself.

The Ministry has come up with tons of new security for Hogwarts. They do not know a man is coming to destroy their petty plans for protection. His house is Slytherin and his name is Señor Draco.

LOL! Of course, if they really want to guarantee safety, they could always fire Hagrid and Dumbledore. Oh, wait, then the terrorists win.

Dear Harry, if it is convenient to you… Oh man, Albus is laying it on thick. Like he cares if it’s convenient to anyone.

Guess how surprised I was to note the next sentence is him mentioning that he wants something.

Um, I beg to differ. Harry lives right upstairs.

But his heart is pure and pristine.

So if Sirius hadn’t left a will Kreacher would have gone to Bellatrix? That was pretty stupid on the Order’s part, wasn’t it? Or is Dumbledore lying because he wants Harry to have Kreacher for some reason?

I guess it doesn't matter. What Dumbledore wants, Dumbledore gets, laws or no. (It's why he loves Harry so much, they have that in common.) Or has he puts: "We shall have to think of some other means of keeping him from his rightful mistress."

So. Harry’s a slave-owner now. I’m sure Hermione will have something to say about that. After two books of non-stop SPEW it’s sure to just come to a head in this book.

I love that Harry finds the idea 'repugnant' because he's owning the creature that betrayed Sirius, rather than because he owns another living being. (Iirc, later Harry's described as 'rarely felt more in sympathy with
SPEW.' Surely that's supposed to read 'rare felt sympathy'?)

And don't worry about Hermione, she has the miraculous power to overcome her objections to behaviour when it's her friends that are acting up. They must endow you with this when you get your Gryffindor tie. Plus she has no time for SPEW now it's all about landing a man.

More gold for Harry—phew! The world needs more heirs to fortunes who actually deserve it.

Harry's the Paris Hilton of the WW. Except at least she actually spends her's.

By the way, Lupin’s been reduced to donating pints of blood for money, but I’m sure he’d want Sirius’ money to go to you.

LOL. But Lupin's a good guy, so naturally he would put Harry's getting extra riches above his own welfare. All good guys love Harry before themselves, as with any religion. (Don't bring it up, or JKR will hit us over the head with 'Harry so generous' anvils like in GoF!)
Also you don't get money for donating blood in the UK! :(

Sirius’ will was discovered. Could that sound more fake? How long did it take you to write that will before you discovered it, Big D? And he left Harry everything, you say?

Seriously. Sirius, the caricature of rebellion managed to fill in a will? Officially and everything? Through some kind of pansy-assed lawyer? (I bet it was just written on a cigarette paper.)

The Ministry would never guess Buckbeak is the same hippogriff they once sentenced to death why, exactly?

I must say, I have no idea what the current conspiracy theory about this is/was (something to do with H/Hr having Buckbeak as their symbol, so JKR chosing to spite them? Would JKR really be capable of such subtlety?...) but I don't get the point of including Buckbeak in this book, let alone changing his name.
Anyway, what if the Slytherins see him? Is Hagrid still teaching lessons with hippogryffs?

Re: more tomorrow - ooh, april fools! must upload my pro-life and h/g icons...

[lilith-morgana.livejournal.com]

Seriously. Sirius, the caricature of rebellion managed to fill in a will? Officially and everything? Through some kind of pansy-assed lawyer? (I bet it was just written on a cigarette paper.)

Bwahaha!

SIRIUS: *smoking, which is cool when he does it and it doesn't even stain his fingers because his skin is like marble, 'cept it's rugged and manly marble* "Fuck everything! Omg! Fuck wills! Fuck this life! Fuck the afterlife! I just want... um, well, Jo what IS it that I want? Oh, right - JUSTICE! Fuck justice!"
REMUS: *angstily and woefully* "Sirius, since we are Teh Tragic Heroes, maybe you should write that will after all. You've got a lot of shiny things..."
SIRIUS: "You want my house? In this world without any concept whatsoever about male friendship I suppose you'd be my wife or some shit. And if I gave you money you could buy some NEW FRIGGING CLOTHES. Whatever. Fuck you."
REMUS: *woefully and angstily* "Oh no, I could never make any sort of claim on anything that is good and pure, my friend. For I am the only werewolf in the village. I am DOOMED to lead a lonely and tragic life, untouched by human kindness and the bonds of friendship."
SIRIUS: *scribbling something on the back of something Cool* "Okay then, I give everything to Harry. You self-pitying pansy."
REMUS: *angstily, woefully AND bitterly because doesn't he just have it all?* "A good decision, Sirius. *carves I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER into his arm, to the delight of all fangirls and Tonks* Now I must leave you, and go tear my soul apart, for it's a full moon and you know I tend to be a little sloppy with my preventive potions."
SIRIUS: "Whatever. Fuck off."