HBP Chapter Eleven

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*The title sounds much dirtier than it is, but probably is still better than "The Chapter Where Hermione Cheats and Ron Gets Emasculated—Again!"

*Classes have become really difficult, with even Hermione having to ask for instructions once or twice in Transfigurations. You’ll just have to trust us on this because honestly, how is the author supposed to make pointing a stick and saying a word complicated. Maybe the words have more syllables now. It’s not like they could be doing something like theory. Theory is for cowards.

*Non-verbal spells are now expected everywhere, so I guess it’s not really a Dark Arts thing, though it is a little odd that Harry has apparently never noticed that non-verbal spells are so widespread. Wait, what am I talking about? This is Harry.

*One result of their having more studying to do everyday than any student since the beginning of time even though many of their school subjects are relatively simple compared to Muggle ones, is that they haven’t been able to visit Hagrid. Damn you school work! Damn you to hell!

*Ron describes Hagrid’s teaching in realistic and unflattering terms. Ron, unlike me, is not then subjected to endless fanwank about how he’s really a fine teacher anyone would want, and especially better than Snape, and that he’d be winning awards right now if it weren’t for that Malfoy kid not listening to his great instructions that one day three years ago.

*Hermione, meanwhile, exposits the much more important information that Harry is the dishiest boy in school. No, this does not mean Harry will be giving up his title of underdog leader of a band of outcasts. He’s dishy enough for both roles thank you very much! See how his face is getting hot?

*The werewolf-spy storyline fairy zips through the chapter, and Harry remembers Lupin exists long enough to note he’s not started writing to him when he never has before. Honestly Remus, did those six words you exchanged with Harry in OotP mean nothing?

*The Owls arrive bearing new Potions books and defying all laws of physics, not that anyone cares. Magic totally pwns gravity.

*Meanwhile, Hermione is defying all laws of common sense and the brainiac code by looking scandalized at Harry’s switching the book covers instead of looking scandalized at the idea of getting rid of the book with all the good notes in it. I know Hermione’s supposed to be gifted, but gifted at what I’m just not sure.

*Btw, in American schools we generally cover our books in brown paper so Harry wouldn’t have had to switch covers. Do they not do that in other places? /cultural exchange moment

*Harry knows a spell to remove book covers. Did he actually look that up? Or was that in the Prince’s book too?

*Oh, and did we mention there’s a war on? Yeah, every day the newspaper brings more grim news, everyone’s really distracted by it. Honest. Ron’s totally got to be determined to sound so casual.

*I love the way the Prophet identifies Stan the same way he’d be identified in the book: Conductor of the popular wizard transportation, the Knight Bus. So there’s only one Knight Bus and Stan’s the only conductor? Where would the man find time to be a Death Eater? He’d need a shelf of Time Turners just to cover Westminster during rush hour.

*Harry says there’s no way Stan’s a DE—he’s a spotty youth! Given what Harry’s just been doing with his Advanced Potions, you’d think he’d know not judge a book by its cover, but no.

*Eloise Midgen’s been withdrawn from school by her father. She’s also spotty. Maybe he thought that made her more of a target.

*Ron reminds everyone that Hogwarts is the safest place in England. At least it was until it met its match in…Señor Draco. *strums guitar*

*Harry realizes he hasn’t seen Dumbledore in a week. Remember last year when he was all pissy because Dumbledore was ignoring him? Jeez, they get tall and fanciable and fickle comes soon enough!

*Hermione says things are “getting serious” and Harry remembers a really horrible incident when Hannah Abbot learned her mother’s been found dead. He hasn’t seen Hannah since, but he’s probably thinking about her a lot. You wait; once she comes back the Chosen One is going to make her feel better.

*Lavender smiles at Ron, who begins strutting, something Harry has never done. But Harry doesn’t laugh because Ron didn’t laugh when Harry got his nose broken, which is totally equally funny.

*Hermione gets cold and distant, which Ron deserves for having responded to a girl showing something like affection. Hermione’s been priming this pump for years with the constant bickering; she won’t have Ron start getting used to that!

*Lots of first years at the try-out for Quidditch…um, who do they think they are, Harry Potter? First years aren’t supposed to play. Well, at least they’re clutching dreadful school brooms instead of Nimbus 2000s that fell out of the sky and into their laps.

*Harry notes that McClaggen wasn’t at try-outs last year since he was in the infirmary for eating a lot of doxy eggs—which I’m sure happens about once a week in Gryffindor. McClaggen refrains from reminding Harry that unlike everyone else he didn’t have to try out last year, or the year before etc.

*Harry wonders if McClaggen expects special treatment because they’re Old Sluggy’s favorites. As if Harry would give special treatment to Old Sluggy’s favorites. Try becoming one of Dumbledore’s favorites, Cormac, and then we’ll talk!

*Then there’s a group of the silliest girls Harry’s ever encountered, which is no mean feat given that almost every single girl Harry’s ever encountered outside of the ones he chooses to be friends with have been silly. They must be flying upside-down and wearing their underwear on the outside or something.

*The fifth group was Hufflepuffs. I admit it, this makes me laugh. It’s not fair, but a well-placed “stupid Hufflepuff” joke just works. It’s probably the name.

*Btw, since Harry doesn’t say the Hufflepuffs are silly or girls, I now have this wonderful vision of ten lovesick Hufflepuff boys on the pitch who are really just trying to help Harry out of the closet and accept himself for who he is. That’s the Hufflepuff way.

*Ginny out flies everyone, scores 17 goals and irritates the hell out of me by being an insufferable Mary Sue to boot! What, that’s it? Are you sure she didn’t also catch the Snitch blindfolded and get elected Prom Queen?

*Apparently Fred and George were brilliant as beaters. It’s in the blood, you know.

*Jimmy Peakes is a great beater for managing to raise a lump the size of an egg on the back of Harry’s head with a ferociously hit Bludger. I guess the amazing part is that he hit an iron ball ferociously into the back of Harry’s head without actually killing him on the spot.

*Harry looks over to see if Ron’s gotten over his performance anxiety. Yes, Harry, he got over it right after Voldemort became an efficient planner and Snape let by-gones be by-gones.

*The real winner at try-outs, of course, is Hermione, who is assured that Ron owes her for his place on the Quidditch team even though Ron performed just fine on his own. You’re nothing without her, Ron! This is going to be one heck of a marriage!

*Btw, you’d think hexing people at try-outs would be an obvious temptation, so much so that anyone could tell someone had done it to McClaggen. But apparently Hermione’s even ruthless by Quidditch standards.

*As opposed to Lavender who just wishes him luck and believes in him. This chick’s got to go.

*Oh, and if McClaggen’s telling the truth this page includes actual canon of Ginny behaving decently by giving Ron easy saves instead of taking the chance to humiliate him. However, as he’s also being compared to Uncle Vernon, and Harry says otherwise, this seems to be more an example of McClaggen being unfair.

*Hermione comes running out of the stands shouting, “I did brilliantly—err, I mean, you did brilliantly, Ron!”

*Hermione finds Buckbeak a bit scary. Why is she scared? She’s only in danger if she deserves it!

*Harry asks Buckbeak if he’s missing "him.” For the record, Buckbeak honestly couldn’t care less that the puny human who cleaned up after him in the house is gone or not.

*Hagrid throws a tantrum and reminds everyone he’s a sort of savage who lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed a teacher, dammit!

*Hagrid calls the Trio ungrateful for only spending three years defending his sorry arse in class. Luckily they can distract him by acting sympathetic that the big giant spider that might have killed them thanks to Hagrid has been feeling under the weather, and pretending they would have moved time and space to get CoMC into their Timetables if they could.

*Hermione reveals that Cormac was talking bad things about Ron and, more importantly, Ginny! I didn’t remember that before! Her Confunding is totally justified now! She wasn’t cheating for Ron, she was giving him what he deserved!

*Harry points out to Hermione that this is dishonest. This is probably a holdover from the Hagrid scene. There Harry had to pretend Hagrid was a good teacher; now he’s pretending Hermione’s got scruples.

*Hermione wishes Harry would come to dinner with Slughorn because she doesn’t want to go alone. Wouldn’t you just love to be Ron? Not a single one of his friends even considers telling him he’s not objectively inferior to them.

*Crabbe apparently had a shrunken head confiscated when they came into school, because that’s a Dark Object. Err…is it just Dark because he’s ugly? What do Shrunken Heads do? Did they confiscate his Marilyn Manson tee-shirt too? His Preacher comics?? (I am so loving Crabbe in this book!)

*Stymied, Harry gazes at Ginny for a while. Because he likes her, but he doesn’t know it. Get it? It’s just lucky Harry doesn’t notice that the rest of the Common Room is also watching Ginny play with Arnold the Pygmy puff, because it’s such a beautiful sight. Later perhaps Ginny will let us watch her feed Arnold, her bogeys catching the light like precious emeralds.

*Poor Ron, unable to gaze at Ginny because he’s her brother, gazes at Lavender Brown, who, had she been invited to Slughorn’s party, would probably have said she was bringing Ron.

*And the chapter closes with Snape once again saving Harry by getting him out of Slughorn’s party. Bastard.





Designated Hero
And you can tell Harry’s a fair captain by the way he’s glad the try-outs were fixed!

IITS
Poor Ron must not know which end is up or down on the Quidditch Pitch. He triumphed last year, but now he's the goat again. Only for some reason he still stops every goal.

Informed Attributes
Kids should really have to study the Trio in school to learn how good friends treat each other. Lesson one: "which one of you is the loser?"

Also, the war is just oppressing everybody, really.

Misdirected Answering
Pretty much goes for the whole chapter, unless there's someone out there who really cared about who was on the Quidditch team this year.

Final score: 5

Comments

[anime-babble.livejournal.com]

Classes have become really difficult, with even Hermione having to ask for instructions once or twice in Transfigurations. You’ll just have to trust us on this because honestly, how is the author supposed to make pointing a stick and saying a word complicated. Maybe the words have more syllables now. It’s not like they could be doing something like theory. Theory is for cowards.

*Non-verbal spells are now expected everywhere, so I guess it’s not really a Dark Arts thing, though it is a little odd that Harry has apparently never noticed that non-verbal spells are so widespread. Wait, what am I talking about? This is Harry.

*One result of their having more studying to do everyday than any student since the beginning of time even though many of their school subjects are relatively simple compared to Muggle ones, is that they haven’t been able to visit Hagrid. Damn you school work! Damn you to hell!

It'd be interesting to see the trio tackle calculus. Or physics. Honestly, just how hard are these damn "advanced" spells?! Do you have to wish really hard? Squint appropriately? You try things the muggle way, and if their brains don't flinch at REAL work, then we can talk.

[kaskait.livejournal.com]

I love the way the Prophet identifies Stan the same way he’d be identified in the book: Conductor of the popular wizard transportation, the Knight Bus. So there’s only one Knight Bus and Stan’s the only conductor? Where would the man find time to be a Death Eater? He’d need a shelf of Time Turners just to cover Westminster during rush hour.

He death eats on the bus. Its what all the young DE kids are doing. The wave of the future, that maverick Stan Shunpike. Voldie loves him and Stan promised him free rides on the bus.

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

Magic totally pwns gravity.

Oh, dear. Science. (Don't pick JKR up on this, she'll write an angry rant about how magic owls have an extra heavy-package dominant gene or something.)

Um, who do they think they are, Harry Potter? First years aren’t supposed to play. Well, at least they’re clutching dreadful school brooms.

Some of them don't have brooms at all, and apparently this means there's automatically no chance they can join.
(Another notch in the coffin for the 'ZOMG teh Slytherin brooms situation was liek so mean, and unlike the exact same situation in PS with Harry' "theory".)
Apparently some of them also don't have wealthy godfathers or else they just haven't met the fairest teacher of all, strict hardass head of Gryffindor McGonagall, yet.

If McClaggen’s telling the truth this page includes actual canon of Ginny behaving decently by giving Ron easy saves instead of taking the chance to humiliate him. However, as he’s also being compared to Uncle Vernon, this seems to be more an example of McClaggen being unfair.

You can't trust big people. Their fat clouds their brains. (McLaggen could just be big, but apparently in the Mean Bully way, rather than the Strapping Healthy Lad way.)
The pass Ginny did to Ron was the one he nearly missed, according to Harry, who is obviously unbiased also.
(If anything, I'd guess that Ginny wouldn't make anything easy for Ron - hey, if he gets kicked off the team, it just leaves more time for Harry to appreciate the real star of the family! Plus he's a stupid virgin and all.)

Hermione reveals that Cormac was talking bad things about Ron and, more importantly, Ginny! I didn’t remember that before!

Perhaps he's like Zacharias, or the Slytherins, and has recognized the complete lack of fairness in situations faced by anyone daring to compete with or even disagree with the Quartet is a jealous vindictive brat! (I hope the rest of the school has parties where they bitch about this. It'll be like that Zacharias/Draco fic Maya wrote.)

That, and Cormac has a nasty temper and hates to lose. Which means he wouldn't fit in at all on the Gryffindor team! (That line actually made me laugh for about ten minutes straight. And people say JKR's skill isn't in comic writing!)

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

Did they confiscate his Marilyn Manson tee-shirt too? His Preacher comics??

Heh. You know JKR associates comics with like, the Beano. (I kinda wished she'd expanded on that, just to bring the righteous fury of all the DC and Marvel fans down on her head.)

(Ron) gazes at Lavender, who, had she been invited to Slughorn’s party, would probably have said she was bringing Ron.

Slut. Have some pride, Lavender, at least try a five-year scheme based around jealousy and manipulation. God, no wonder she ends up dumped.

Non-verbal spells are now expected everywhere, so I guess it’s not really a Dark Arts thing, though it is a little odd that Harry has apparently never noticed that non-verbal spells are so widespread.

Is this another example of the Accio thing, where a spell never appears until Harry needs it (and darnit, if he doesn't know an evisceration spell, yet, well then the DEs will just have to throw dancing spells at him!)? So non-verbals are important enough to be taught in every lesson, but so unimportant that in battles to the death and everyday wizarding life, they've never appeared. And this will coincidentally be the book Harry needs to use a non-verbal spell in? (Actually, I've no idea. Does he use one in HBP for anything important? I don't want JKR to say people are oppressing her right to free speech for no good reason.)

Harry says there’s no way Stan’s a DE—he’s a spotty youth!

Gotta love how Ron's all 'reasonable' and 'Geez, maybe it was an Imperius'. Shut up, Ron, we know this guy, which automatically excepts him from suspicion! Remember the time he got excited over the honour of having Harry on his bus? This guy has impeccable taste!
(I also like how the whole basis for JKR's defense of him is that he bragged to Veela. Um, sure, but they're Veela - surely if men do something stupid for the sake of them, it's their fault for being pretty and 'turning it on' and shit! Not indicative of the guy's character, other than that he may be straighter less mentally disciplined than Harry. Which isn't saying much since he's a total queen The Chosen One!1!!)

The chapter closes with Snape once again saving Harry from Slughorn’s party. Bastard.

Poor Harry. He's either forced to have his modesty compromised by going to a party full of people who are less worthy of their celebrity and fortunes than him, or else he's forced to accept consequences for his actions! Life's a vale of tears for this guy.

Kids should really have to study the Trio in school to learn how good friends treat each other. Lesson one: "which one of you is the loser?"

I love how they go to such lengths to spare each other's feelings. Don't feel like helping me win my argument and indulge my homosexual fixation no. 28934? Well, quit feeling sorry for yourself! It's really tough for me and Hermione to have to attend parties with famous and rich people, and have privileges and assistance lavished on us! We didn't ask for all that, you know! (Why is Ginny just sitting around here, anyway? Someone vaguely disagreed with Harry's opinion! Battle stations!)
And Harry and Hermione all staring. 'What's up with Gene?' 'I don't know, it's almost like he thinks he's people!'

Harry asks Buckbeak if he’s missing "him.”

Aw. Harry's anthromorphizing creatures, just like Hagrid! That's the sign of being a truly pure soul.

There are maggots and bogeys in Hagrid's kitchen, too. I'm beginning to ship him with Ginny. (You can tell JKR's planning for it, because there was that one line in CoS four books ago about how she'd been lurking outside his hut!)

Do they not do that in other places?

Ugh, Americans. Don't you guys have unprounouncable food names and care too much about teeth and plastic surgery and stuff? Well, you'll find that in England, we have a better way of learning, thank you very much.
(I don't think so. Of course, I didn't go to boarding school. They probably paper their books with bank notes there. A lot of people in my classes used to cover our books when we were pre-teens, but laziness ensued...)

[ishtar79.livejournal.com]

*Hermione, meanwhile, exposits the much more important information that Harry is the dishiest boy in school. No, this does not mean Harry will be giving up his title of underdog leader of a band of outcasts. He’s dishy enough for both roles thank you very much! See how his face is getting hot?

And to think we used to *mock* 'Over the summer, Harry grew half a foot, got contacts and new Hot Topic shirts fitting snugly over his Quiddich-toned body' fics.

*Btw, since Harry doesn’t say the Hufflepuffs are silly or girls, I now have this wonderful vision of ten lovesick Hufflepuff boys on the pitch who are really just trying to help Harry out of the closet and accept himself for who he is. That’s the Hufflepuff way.

Aw. And here I thought the gay subtext couldn't get more blantant than Harry's various odes to the dishyness of Tom 'Hot Stuff' Riddle.

*Crabbe apparently had a shrunken head confiscated when they came into school, because that’s a Dark Object. Err…is it just Dark because he’s ugly? What do Shrunken Heads do? Did they confiscate his Marilyn Manson tee-shirt too? His Preacher comics?? (I am so loving Crabbe in this book!)


Crabbe is a rebel, yo! I bet he has Sex Pistols posters over his bed.

[cleverthylacine]

I went to American schools and we pretty much didn't cover our books at all. Well, some people did, but they were the sort of people who gift-wrap packages with different layers of paper and slap stickers all over it in patterns instead of shoving the item in a pretty bag with some tissue paper and shoving it at you. The kind of person I was, when I was married and only worked part time and didn't have chronic pain yet, LOL.

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

Did he actually look that up? Or was that in the Prince’s book too?

LOL. The idea of Harry knowing a general learning-related spell. He probably used it to destroy all the commie Slinkhard textbooks when Umbridge left.

Given what Harry’s just been doing with his Advanced Potions, you’d think he’d know not judge a book by its cover, but no.

Now you're just being pedantic. You know that phrase doesn't mean judging people on whether they're spotty, fat or greasy. (Object to buck teeth, poor eyesight or long hair, and you're just being shallow, though.) These are the little clues God gives us into his creations. Otherwise we could waste years on finding out stranger's personalities, rather than immediately realising that Harry Potter/Hermione Granger/Ginny Weasley's bad-ass exterior conceals a bad-ass interior.

Ron begins strutting, something Harry has never done.

Showing off for girls is something straight guys losers do. It means you're a) unmanly enough to think a girl's opinion matters and b) reacting to praise, rather than accepting it as your due.

he’d be winning awards right now if it weren’t for that Malfoy kid not listening to his great instructions that one day three years ago.

That, and the racism inherent in the system (not Dumbledore's system, obviously! Just...the general...you know, bureaucracy. People, authority, that kind of thing. Ooh, the Ministry, maybe?!)


Misdirected Answering
Pretty much goes for the whole chapter, unless there's someone out there who really cared about who was on the Quidditch team this year.

I'm feeling much more excited about who's going to win the Cup! Don't spoil it for me, guys, I'm all a-tingle with the suspense!

Hermione exposits the much more important information that Harry is the dishiest boy in school.

This is breaking news, because now there'll be sluts after him for his looks/fame, rather than the girl who loved him all along for um...his fame.

No, this does not mean Harry will be giving up his title of underdog leader of a band of outcasts. He’s dishy enough for both roles thank you very much!

So for the Miraculous Make-Overs, we've now got Harry, Hermione and Ginny. (Plus Taller!But!Greyer!Draco?) Wow, and people mock ff.net.

Harry remembers Lupin exists long enough to note he’s not started writing to him when he never has before. Honestly Remus, did those six words you exchanged with Harry in OotP mean nothing?

Are you minimising the sugar moment? Fuck you, that was moving!
I guess Harry could always *gasp* write to him. (sure, Remus is with the DEs, but they could use that awesome uncrackable code!) But really, someone who doesn't immediately recognise Harry as the most important person in their life doesn't even deserve letters!
If only Remus had known how lucky he was to be briefly considered as default pseudo-daddy...

McClaggen was in the infirmary for eating doxy eggs—which I’m sure happens about once a week in Gryffindor.

Spoken like a true cowardly Ravenclaw. Would you have the chivalrous lions refuse a dare? What would people think? Not that they're conformist, or anything. Rawr! (Why is it everytime I picture the inevitable product of this particular house, I end up seeing a forty year old Marty McFly who can't even get his TV fixed - 'Well, when the repairman came and called Dad a chicken, Dad threw him out of the house!')

You’re nothing without her, Ron! This is going to be one heck of a marriage!

These Weasleys! Ron won't be allowed an existence independent of his wife (and of course, the ever-present Harry, just in case he ever achieves some kind of future happiness. Meet Harry! His marriage and career will always be better than yours. FOREVER.) and Ginny doesn't have a personality beyond her no doubt future husband. Don't like it (of course, Ginny will, being the sassy Stepford bot she is)? Tough luck. Your spouse can just hang the fact that you owe any success you've had to them over your head. (Of course with Harry, it's your entire life.) And then there's Molly and Arthur - nuff said. Wow, this sure is one big happy family, after all!

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

Hagrid throws a tantrum and reminds everyone he’s a sort of savage who lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed a teacher, dammit!

LOL. I enjoyed the stupid-ass 'You're treating me/acting like a teacher? There must be something wrong!' interaction.
As well as Harry's first instinct being to blast open the door. (I'm wondering about wizarding insurance now, if such a cowardly concept exists in this utopia. How many doors a year do you think they go through in the Gryffindor dorm? Shit, you mean this things have a knob?! I just threw my mighty man muscles against it!)
And of course the inevitable 'Hagrid is much happier hearing about how awful G-P is, and how miserable his apparent friends the Trio were under her tuition.' Someone should try and rewrite these books where all positive emotions connected with other people's misery are removed. It could be the replacement for JKR's editor, who's probably killed themselves out of professional embarrassment by now.

Hagrid calls the Trio ungrateful for only spending three years defending his sorry arse in class.

Ungrateful? Seriously, I'm trying to think of what they could possibly be grateful for... Rock cakes? Naw, they have Molly for food. Favouritism? Er, get in line, Hagrid, you haven't bought anyone a broom yet.
Stupid fool, if you want to guilt them/get them to sign up for CoMC, just tell them they're obviously too chicken to take a class with such dangerous animals.
He kinda reminds me of Harry, here, though. 'Sure you guys have risked your lives repeatedly in order to assist me with my asinine plots, but still! You've disagreed with me once, so you're DEAD to me!'

There Harry had to pretend Hagrid was a good teacher; now he’s pretending Hermione’s got scruples.

I'm beginning to ship H/Hr. It's hilarious, really, they could just take it in turns to flatter the other's awesome hexing skills and overestimate each other's nobility.
Gotta love Harry's 'LOLZ, Wasn't that dishonest, you're a prefect?' (Because if she wasn't, it'd be totally fair! Example 3829 of 'We should follow the rules/break the rules because they're rules themselves, not because dishonesty, in this case, is wrong objectively.') I guess as team captain you could always step in and demand a retrial if you feel strongly enough?

It’s just lucky Harry doesn’t notice that the rest of the Common Room is also watching Ginny play with Arnold the Pygmy puff.

Other people peeing on his territory admiring her beauty could only encourage him. (Gotta love how we're still in the 'Feh, Ginny's kinda cute' stage. It takes seeing her with another guy for him to realise he wants her - and to romantically despise her sluttiness!)

Poor Ron must not know which end is up on the Quidditch Pitch. He triumphed last year, but now he's the goat again. Only for some reason he still stops every goal.

Here's a tip Ron. Practise only for the games where Harry's off the team for fighting (a regular occurence.) While your sister and friend are on the team, you will suddenly become more pathetic than usual, in order to showcase their glory. Now get back into the plot cupboard and wait for their call.

He hasn’t seen Hannah since, but he’s probably thinking about her a lot. You wait; once she comes back the Chosen One is going to make her feel better.

'My mum died for me! Still, cheer up, yours might have loved you enough to have done the same!'

[jollityfarm.livejournal.com]

Theory is for cowards.

Bad teachers make people use theory! Bad teachers like Umbridge and Snape! Boo etc. Instead of learning stuff for exams, listen to what's in YOUR HEART!! My heart says "ba-dum" right now, although sometimes it says "badumbadumbadumbadumbadum!" Not right now, though :/

Ron, unlike me, is not then subjected to endless fanwank about how he’s really a fine teacher anyone would want

It only counts as true if Rowling says it. Not that people who argued the opposite (to the DEATH!!) are about to be laughed at for getting stuff "wrong". They are honourable, because they defended Hagrid (people who defend Draco or similar might as well slip on those white robes with the pointy hoods right now!) and all his mates.

Hermione, meanwhile, exposits the much more important information that Harry is the dishiest boy in school. No, this does not mean Harry will be giving up his title of underdog leader of a band of outcasts.

My heart bleeds for Harry, it really does. Oh noes, a lot of people fancy me! What torture! I still get to be an outcast, right, guyz? Even someone who hates people, like me, would find it hard to see what Harry is whining about (watch out for chapter fifteen, in which the rest of the school waits under mistletoe for Harry!)

Harry remembers Lupin exists long enough to note he’s not started writing to him when he never has before.

Harry needs a daddy substitute! Ask Fernwithy anyone! Oh dear :(

Magic totally pwns gravity

Magic pwns a lot of things, including normal snake biology (snakes do tear people up with their teeth, YES THEY DO), cosmetics and medicine.

I know Hermione’s supposed to be gifted, but gifted at what I’m just not sure.

She knows enough to do what is "right" rather than what is "easy". Of course, all Gryffindors do this, which is why Harry forgives people who upset him, rather than swearing to kill them, or something.

Where would the man find time to be a Death Eater?

Obviously, magic also pwns normal bus timetables.

Harry says there’s no way Stan’s a DE—he’s a spotty youth!

Obviously, Voldemort knows the spell for clear skin. Draco knows that it's better than Clearasil :) Of course, he had to turn to the side of unforgivable evil for his beauty secrets, rather than being born naturally lovely like Harry :P

She’s also spotty.

I think Hermione said that her face got cleared up in GoF, actually. Of course, she hexed her own nose off, and Ron says you can see it wasn't put back on straight. Poor Eloise :(

McClaggen refrains from reminding Harry that unlike everyone else he didn’t have to try out last year, or the year before etc.

Well, obviously, just because nobody mentioned the tryouts, it doesn't mean they didn't happen! It's like Harry's washing and shaving, methinks (cuz he totally doesn't stink, u guyz!) If this is the excuse, one wonders why we weren't spared this time.

It’s not fair, but a well-placed “stupid Hufflepuff” joke just works. It’s probably the name.

At least we know Zacharias Smith isn't stupid. Oh, he's probably evil or something, but not a moron, at least :)

[violaswamp.livejournal.com]

You’re nothing without her, Ron! This is going to be one heck of a marriage!

...yeah. Good thing the books end before the Trio could get married.

Hagrid calls the Trio ungrateful for only spending three years defending his sorry arse in class.

Yeah, what ingrates. What are a few near-death experiences between friends?

Later perhaps Ginny will let us watch her feed Arnold, her bogeys catching the light like precious emeralds.

LOL!!

Kids should really have to study the Trio in school to learn how good friends treat each other. Lesson one: "which one of you is the loser?"

Hee! The loser must never be right about anything, or have the last word; he must always be tripping or blushing or stuffing his face with something; people will make fun of him for his lack of intelligence and sexual experience and usefulness and just EVERYTHING...but he'll still be fanatically loyal to the group and they'll still maintain that he's their Best Friend.

[galaxianomiko.livejournal.com]

Ron, unlike me, is not then subjected to endless fanwank about how he’s really a fine teacher anyone would want, and especially better than Snape, and that he’d be winning awards right now if it weren’t for that Malfoy kid not listening to his great instructions that one day three years ago.

There are really people arguing that Hagrid's a good teacher? *facepalm* In what universe?? I'm trying to imagine him teaching in a regular school...and no, I just can't see it. He'd be one of the ones that don't last very long (Snape, on the other hand, would be one of the teachers who is there FOREVER and students pray for their retirement every year.)

Arnold the Pygmy puff

Oh no, did you have to remind me of Fred and George's line of accessory pets? (I still wonder if we were supposed to think it was a cute idea.)

[static-pixie.livejournal.com]

*Ginny out flies everyone, scores 17 goals and irritates the hell out of me by being an insufferable Mary Sue to boot! What, that’s it? Are you sure she didn’t also catch the Snitch blindfolded and get elected Prom Queen?

I actually laughed out loud when I got here. It was beyond Sue; it’s like one of those examples of a Sue you’d find in Urban Dictionary that have been deliberately exaggerated for easy comprehension.

Ron, unlike me, is not then subjected to endless fanwank about how he’s really a fine teacher anyone would want, and especially better than Snape, and that he’d be winning awards right now if it weren’t for that Malfoy kid not listening to his great instructions that one day three years ago.

It's not like in the Malfoy case he deliberately brought a very dangerous and sensitive creature into a class full of adolescent boys or anything.

*The Owls arrive bearing new Potions books and defying all laws of physics, not that anyone cares. Magic totally pwns gravity.

And nature too, if you think about it. Anything larger than a letter that arrives at Hogwarts should probably be covered in bird shit.

*Then there’s a group of the silliest girls Harry’s ever encountered, which is no mean feat given that almost every single girl Harry’s ever encountered outside of the ones he chooses to be friends with have been silly. They must be flying upside-down and wearing their underwear on the outside or something.

Yeah, you know, really. It’s a good thing all the boys at Hogwarts outside of Harry are either completely shallow, desperate, or Draco, otherwise these bimbos would never get dates.

*Lavender smiles at Ron, who begins strutting, something Harry has never done. But Harry doesn’t laugh because Ron didn’t laugh when Harry got his nose broken, which is totally equally funny.

Of course it is, what kind of silly girl would actually be interested in Ron?

*Btw, since Harry doesn’t say the Hufflepuffs are silly or girls, I now have this wonderful vision of ten lovesick Hufflepuff boys on the pitch who are really just trying to help Harry out of the closet and accept himself for who he is. That’s the Hufflepuff way.

I bet one of them was Zacharias.

*Hermione wishes Harry would come to dinner with Slughorn because she doesn’t want to go alone. Wouldn’t you just love to be Ron? Not a single one of his friends even considers telling him he’s not objectively inferior to them.

Of course not, they need to be the warm-up act for that well-deserved tongue-lashing Ginny gives him later.