Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 4

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry spends most of his time hanging out at the Leaky Cauldron and around Diagon Alley.]

Harry: As if I would ever go into the Muggle world when Wizard shops are so much more interesting just by being magical! There’s even an ice-cream store that gives me free sundaes every half-hour! Clearly the Wizarding World treats you nicely and Muggles treat you like crap!

[One day, he comes across a shiny new broom.]

Random Wizard: So... that’s a Firebolt, the most epically awesome broom in the world! Professional Quidditch players use them- if they can afford them, that is!

Harry: Wow, cool! I wonder if I’ll get one by the end of the year! Only the best for me, after all! Gee, it’s a shame I already have a perfectly good broom, isn’t it?

[Harry wanders into the bookstore to discover a book with a black dog on the cover.]

Harry: That looks exactly like the dog I saw earlier on the cover! And it’s a book about Death! Okay, now I’m scared!

[It takes awhile for him to pull his eyes away and buy his actual spellbooks.]

[One day, Harry runs into Ron and Hermione.]

Ron: So, Dad said you blew up your aunt!

Harry: Well, yeah....

Hermione: I’m surprised you weren’t expelled.

Harry: It’s part of my universal fame, clearly.

Ron: For sure. I know I never would have gotten away with things like that. Oh, by the way, my family’s staying at the Leaky Cauldron, along with Hermione.

Harry: Cheers! [He notices all of Hermione’s books.] Ah... you sure do have an awful lot!

Hermione: Yeah, well... I’m taking all the electives.

Ron: Including Muggle Studies?

Hermione: Sure, why not?!

Ron: But WHY?!

Hermione: I heard it’s loads of fun- you spend most of your time watching a movie.

Harry: Well... I guess that’s a motive...? Listen, Hermione, you’re not going to drive yourself insane from all the hard work and stress you’ll be under, are you?

Hermione: Ah... maybe? *Cheesy smile* Anyway I have some money left over so I thought I’d go buy a pet!

Ron: Speaking of which... [Pulls out Scabbers] Scabbers is looking mysteriously weak and sick. I wonder if that’s going to be somehow important?

[So they go to the pet shop.]

Ron: Ah... listen, Ms. Shopkeeper, could you look at my rat?

Shopkeeper: Sure thing. What sort of magical powers does he have?

Ron: Ah... none that I know of, really....

Shopkeeper: Well, how old is he?

Ron: He used to belong to my much-older brother.

Shopkeeper: He’s been alive for awhile, then? Well, maybe he’s just getting old- he’s just an ordinary rat, after all. Maybe you’d like a nice new one?

Ron: Ah... no, I don’t think so.

[Just then, a cat springs at Ron]

Hermione: No, don’t! [Retrieves cat]

Ron: That’s... that’s your pet?!

Hermione: Ah... yeah. Believe it!

Ron: He seems kinda... dangerous.

Hermione: Nonsense, when am I ever wrong about anything?

Ron: He’s going to kill my pet rat!

Hermione: Not if he stays in my dorm!

[Once they get back to the Leaky Cauldron they run into Mr. Weasley]

Harry: So, any luck catching Sirius Black?

Mr. Weasley: Nope, none. If only we had a little boy who could catch him for us.

[Just then, the rest of the Weasleys enter.]

Percy: Oh... hello....

All except Percy: Hello, Harry! *Tackleglomp*

Percy: So, anyway, I’ve been made Head Boy, not that any of you care!

Fred: Honestly, Percy, when will you learn that subscribing to law and order will get you nowhere in life? You ought to lighten up!

Percy: Why should I listen to you? You tried to lock me in a pyramid!

George: It was just practice for when we throw slimy Slytherins in Vanishing Cabinets a couple years down the road!

[Harry and Hermione eat dinner with the Weasleys, and the discussion turns serious.]

Mr. Weasley: So, the Ministry is providing cars to get us to school.

Percy: Really? Why would they do that?

Mr. Weasley: Why do you think?

George: To celebrate you becoming Head Boy?

Ron: A favor since you no longer have a car?

Mrs. Weasley: To conceal our weird luggage from Muggles?

Harry: Because Sirius Black is on the loose and will target us?

Mr. Weasley: Alas and alack, Harry Potter is right.

[Later that night...]

Percy: I lost my Head Boy badge!

Ron: I lost Scabbers’ tonic!

Harry: I’ll get them- you probably left them at the bar.

[As Harry goes down the hallway he overhears a conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.]

Mr. Weasley: *Loudly* You know, it’s a good thing Harry isn’t around so we can talk about this very important information!

Mrs. Weasley: I know, right?! He’d be terrified if he knew just how bad the situation really is!

Mr. Weasley: Oh, but don’t you think he ought to know at least why he isn’t safe? So he doesn’t do anything stupid?!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, but Harry will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts! Gee, I’m so glad there’s no earthly way Harry could be eavesdropping at this point in time!

Mr. Weasley: Not if Black is clever enough to escape Azkaban and is targeting Harry!

Mrs. Weasley: But Dumbledore is stronger and he’ll protect Harry! I’m sure of it! Never mind the fact that students face near-death experiences at Hogwarts all the time!

Mr. Weasley: You know... Harry could be listening in on us right now! Why couldn’t it be like in the movie where I just pull him aside without this meaningless scene!?

Mrs. Weasley: I dunno. So, how about them Azkaban guards?!

Mr. Weasley: Oh, they’re scaaaary, aren’t they? I wish we didn’t need to use them on a school full of children!

[Eventually the conversation ends and Harry goes into the bar, where he finds Scabbers’ tonic.]

Fred and George: Hello, Harry! Look- we’ve bewitched Percy’s Head Boy badge to say Bighead Boy! Aren’t we clever?!

Harry: Sure, why not?!

[He climbs into bed that night feeling worried.]

Harry: You know, I’m not really all that scared of Black- I’m sure Dumbledore will protect me. No, my biggest concern is that I can’t go to Hogsmeade. I really wish I could risk my life by going out in the open with a mass murderer on the loose- I need to work that Gryffindor courage somehow, don’t I?! Oh, well, I guess I can sneak there illegally.... But... there was that dog, which the book said was an omen of death. Oh, well- I am the main character. I can’t die this early in the series!

Comments

[sunnyskywalker]

I've always wondered, if he gets sundaes every half hour, how many sundaes does this add up to? Do wizard children have increased resistance to getting sick from too much sugar (especially with no other food) the same way they don't get injured as easily? Because otherwise you would expect him to get sick. And probably gain a few pounds, unless wizards also have better metabolisms and rarely get overweight no mater what they do (which would then beg the question just how much Slughorn eats, or whether he has a medical disorder).

And just imagine what Harry would say if Dudley were eating sundaes every half hour.

[oryx_leucoryx]

How many fat wizards are there beside Horace? We have Molly (what's the euphemism used for her?). Crabbe and Goyle are large. Anyone else? Maybe magic uses up tons of energy so being fat is exceptionally humiliating for a wizard.

[sunnyskywalker]

I think Molly is "plump." Sprout was "dumpy," wasn't she? So probably at least not skinny. I can't recall the description for Madame Pomfrey. Um. Millicent Bulstrode is also "large," but that could mean actually (not euphemistically) big-boned and muscly. I'm not sure whether that's how we're supposed to read Crabbe and Goyle, and can't remember whether we got any other indication for them. There's also the sweet trolley witch on the train, I think?

Was Neville also a bit plump in the early years, or did he just have a round face and the rest is movie contamination? Either way, I don't think he was plump by the time the series ended.

So, mostly bad guys, ambiguous Slughorn, or complete non-entities (my apologies to Sprout and Pomfrey, who at least have more lines than the trolley witch, but it isn't like we ever get to know them or that the couldn't have been cut with very little difference to the books). So I think that leaves Molly, and possibly young Neville who then slimmed down as he gained confidence.

Magic might use more calories (our brains use a ton just sitting there doing brain things, so why wouldn't channeling magic?). If that's the case, though, you'd expect to see a lot of kids coming back from summer holidays having gained a few pounds from not doing magic, unless just having the capability burns more calories whether you use it or not.

[sunnyskywalker]

Wait, Umbridge too, right? She was at least stout with stubby fingers, wasn't she? So another villain. And I'm not sure whether Hagrid and Madame Maxime are at ideal weights for their height, but Harry would probably mention it if they waddled around with their fat jiggling (it would be hard to miss that on a half-giant).

[sharaz-jek.livejournal.com]

Hagrid is described once as twice as tall as a normal person and five times as wide, but I think that's the first time Harry sees him so he's probably exaggerating a bit.