deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 20

This is a really short chapter, so this abridged chapter may be quite short as well.

[The group all leaves to take Peter to the castle.]

Sirius: Oh, by the way, Harry, I’m your godfather.

Harry: My dogfather?

Sirius: No- your godfather.

Harry: Oooooh, I get it now.

Sirius: So, if you really want to, I suppose I could allow you to move in with me once I’m free and this whole business blows over. If you don’t mind leaving your Muggle family terribly.

Harry: Oh, hell no I don’t mind! I’ll move in with you at once! My Muggle family abuses me so much- you don’t need to worry about them. Did I ever tell you about the time Aunt Petunia held me down while Uncle Vernon and Dudley teamed up and-?

Sirius: I’ll pass, thanks....

Harry: Wow! This is a dream come true! I get to live with a cool wizard after all and leave my psychotically-abusive Muggle relatives behind for good!

[But just as they leave the tunnel, Lupin starts to turn into a Werewolf!]

Sirius: Oh, snap! He forgot to take his potion, didn’t he! [Turns to Harry] Harry, run away- now!

Harry: But Ron’s still attached to the Werewolf!

Sirius: Leave that to me- just go!

[Harry and Hermione start to run as Sirius attacks Lupin to distract him.]

Peter: Aha! I knew something like this would happen! [Turns into a rat and runs for his life.]

Harry: Oh teh noes! Peter Pettigrew’s getting away!

[Eventually, the Werewolf runs away- but now Sirius and Harry are surrounded by Dementors!]

Harry: Oh, no! Quick, think of Sirius naked- Expecto Patronum!

Hermione: What ever shall I do? I will have no inkling of how to fend off Dementors until the fifth book!

Harry: Oh, no! They’re getting closer! Come on, naked Sirius, naked Sirius, naked Sirius... Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum!

Dementor: Your pitiful masturbation attempts will get you nowhere. Try taking counseling.

[But just then, a giant silver deer appears out of nowhere and charges at the Dementors, frightening them away!]

Harry: I... I just jizzed myself. [Falls asleep]