PS Chapter One
Oct. 13th, 2006 04:31 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sistermagpie.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockA long, long time ago...in 1981...
*Vernon Dursley is a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, though he did have a very large non-sequatorial moustache. He’s never been to Bombay but he does have a sister who’s an accountant.
*I’m already loving Petunia with her extra-long neck that come in handy when she’s peering over the fences at the neighbors. Too bad Harry wasn’t born with an extra long nose to come in handy when he stuck it into Pensieves.
*Mrs. Potter and Mrs. Dursley haven’t met for years, which is all Mrs. Dursley’s fault of course. Lily’s been begging her to visit for years so she and James can look down on them.
*The Potters are as unDursley-ish as they could possibly be. That’s right, they’re both very attractive.
*The Dursleys know the Potters have a son too, and that’s another reason for keeping the Potters away. It’s terrible the way they judge the Potters son. Especially when everyone including the narrator is and will continue to be so non-judgmental about the Dursleys own child.
*The most interesting thing about PS is the way it starts out with JKR trying to lay down the difference between Muggles and Wizards in a way that just not hold up at all throughout the books: Muggles are people who are boring and Wizards are people who are more creative and interesting. It always amazes me when I hear readers who actually do buy into this definition, when the rest of the book makes it clear that the two are distinguished not at all by character, and completely on ability.
*It almost suggests that truly annoying idea that things like science are boring. Believe me, people who are obsessed with thinking with the heart or seeing all the things in the world that science can’t explain are usually far more boring, because what they really mean is "Listen to me prattle on in an empty way and say nothing."
*Granted, it makes the book start out as if the world we’re entering is going to be a lot more pleasant. Mr. Dursley seeing a cat reading a map and focusing his mind on drills is great.
*Mr. Dursley can’t stand the get-ups you see on young people. Shouldn’t Vernon be, like, twenty-three here? Or is he much older than Petunia, who is much older than Lily?
*Guess there’s no point in asking why Wizards are gathering in the middle of a Muggle neighborhood where none of them seem to live, right?
*Nice little psychology of Vernon moment there, eh? He’s afraid of magic and yells and dominates people to feel better. You know what he needs? Somebody to play a magical prank on him, preferably one that simulates murder. That would snap him right out of it. Such a tragedy James died too young to be the one to do it.
*So although the Dursleys are in denial, Vernon is shocked into suspended animation by overhearing the words "Harry" and "Potters." Somehow I imagine Lily could overhear, "Little Dudley Dursley was squashed flat by a garbage truck on Privet Drive," and think "Shall we have pumpkin fluffernuts or pixie pouf pie for dessert tonight?"
*God knows Harry would in her situation. That’s the real reason JKR had to kill off all his family, you know. Not just so he had to stay with the Dursleys. She just knew Harry would never get around to learning all their names.
*Awww. Vernon doesn’t want to upset Petunia by bringing up the painful subject of her sister.
*Vernon runs into a Wizard who tells him even Muggles like himself should be celebrating—I’m sure the first time I read this I didn’t half-expect the wizard to hit Vernon with a dancing spell to make sure the Muggle did as he should.
*Dudley’s new word: shan’t! Hee!
*But more importantly, note how Petunia’s social life is cast in an inescapably negative light. If she tells Vernon how she talked to her neighbor about her problems with her daughter, she’s gossiping. Not at all like Hermione reporting all the news that’s fit for the girl’s bathroom in later books.
*In Godric’s Hollow, Saintly Lily only interacts with her neighbors to protect them from bullies.
*So the Dursleys are the only Muggles in the world who *want* to forget about the existence of Wizards, yet aren’t given Memory-charms. Because while it’s okay to give someone brain damage to make sure they don’t remember that guy who seemed to appear out of nowhere, forgetting the wonder that is Lily Potter would be a tragedy.
*Vernon puts himself to sleep thinking how since the Potters knows how he feels about their kind, they won’t have anything to do with them. Vernon forgot how Wizards feel about *his* kind—namely that they’re pretty much there to do whatever Wizards want.
*And yet according to Hagrid Muggles can’t know about Wizards because they’d be pestering them for help all the time.
*I have never been able to remove ESE!McGonagall from the soft spot in my heart. Though perhaps the fact that her tail twitches and her eyes narrow at the sight of Dumbledore just means that as a cat she’s got better taste than as a person.
*Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. Yeah, yeah, he’s the oldest drag queen ever. The street ought to make up a plaque commemorating this momentous visit.
*And anyway, I don’t believe it. I’ll bet Muggle suburban teenagers living there in the 1960s did some pretty bitchin’ things with purple velvet, high-heeled boots and half-moon glasses too.
*Mary Tyler Moore flash: Ted is wearing his conquistador boots.
*His nose looks like it’s been broken at least twice, and as if he’s someone who can’t fix a broken nose with a wave of his hand.
*Later we’ll of course discover he’s merely a Gryffindor who wouldn’t dare let anyone take away battle scars, at least once he’s too old to have them interfere with his looks.
*Btw, thanks Albus for showing up and putting out all the streetlamps. Those aren’t there for a reason at all. Feel free to move the houses around if it suits your purpose as well. Their street is your street.
*Is putting out the streetlamps supposed to be a clever cover so no one sees him abandoning a child? Because in reality putting out the streetlamps would bring all the Muggles to their doors to find out what happened.
*Okay, so why was McGonagall (in her emerald green cloak) trying to hide herself from Dumbledore exactly? And why has she apparently kept the fact she’s an Animagus secret from Dumbledore?
*McGonagall gets the dubious distinction of being the first to introduce Muggle prejudice into the story by saying Muggles aren’t "completely stupid" and so can spot fireworks and owls in the sky.
*An especially odd time to be putting down Muggles when their own world’s been apparently run by a psycho for 11 years, one none of them have been able to do a thing about without a Deus ex Machina.
*McGonagall declines the sherbet lemon coldly, as if this isn’t the time for them. Funny it sounded almost like just the reverse of the stuff we’ve been hearing about the Dursleys since page one—she doesn’t want silly Muggle candy.
*Apparently for 11 years Dumbledore’s been trying to get people to call You-Know-Who by his proper name: Voldemort. Funny, I thought his proper name was Tom Riddle. Oh, I guess he means the proper name that won’t allow Dumbledore to know important information that nobody else knows. Wouldn’t want anybody thinking of Voldemort as anything less than an evil demi-god wouldn’t we?
*Btw, what’s with the 11 years? What happened 11 years ago in 1970 that that’s considered the beginning of the reign of Voldemort?
*For once I’m with Dumbledore—why exactly are we afraid to say Voldemort’s name, when there’s never been any danger attached to it? It sounds reasonable, but only because it seems like there is a reason.
*Everyone knows Voldemort’s frightened of Dumbledore? Wonder why. Only Dumbledore’s PR firm knows for sure.
*Dumbledore says Voldemort’s got powers he doesn’t. McGonagall says Dumbledore’s just too noble to use them. Then she gets on her knees and fellates him right there on the street. Jesus, Minerva. You’d better be ESE and buttering the guy up.
*So everyone’s already somehow aware of the story of how Harry "killed" Voldemort, though Dumbledore’s the one with the real info. Seems more and more like he’s behind the publicity, doesn’t it?
*McGonagall pulls out a handkerchief and dabs her eyes, having learned for real thather beloved Lord Voldemort the Potters are dead.
*Dumbledore gives a big sniff, which I belatedly think is supposed to indicate he gives a damn that the Potters are dead. I think he’s just allergic to privets.
*McGonagall’s reasons for not wanting Harry with the Dursleys are pretty lame. They’re not like us! Their toddler son is a handful! Yup, not like Pureblood prejudice at all!
*That Dudley, already making bad choices.
*Dumbledore’s explained it all in a letter. What, you thought people like the Dursleys deserved a proper sit down?
*Dumbledore explains he’s doing Harry a favor by not letting him grow up a Wizard. Don’t worry; he’ll be backtracking on this once enough people point out that child abuse is not usually considered character-building.
*McGonagall folds like a paper canoe. Yes, Dumbledore, it’s completely impossible for a child to grow up aware that the circumstances of his birth are unique and admired. It’s never been done, ever. Otoh, if a child is openly despised and neglected until the age of 11 and then suddenly fawned over as a hero for something he doesn’t remember, it will be great.
*This is what happens when you grow up in a world without TV. No one who ever saw that Brady Bunch episode where Peter saved the little girl at the toy store and became insufferable would ever agree to this plan.
*Dumbledore would trust Hagrid with his life—by which he means he trusts Hagrid to be loyal to him like a favorite dog, not in a way that suggests Hagrid is moral or skilled. He basically trusts Hagrid in a similar way that James trusts Peter.
*So Hagrid is twice as tall as a man, five times as wide, with hands the size of dustbin lids and feet like baby dolphins. Take a moment to try to picture that and wonder why Hagrid isn’t shot at more often.
*Young Sirius Black lent him the bike. Hey, isn’t that the guy Harry’s parents and later Harry himself wants to live with? The guy who loves him regardless of his part in a prophecy? Yeah, we’ll take care of him soon enough.
*Hagrid says he was able to get Harry out before the Muggles started swarmin’ around. Because everything Muggles do must be stupid and animal like. Highly trained first responders who’ve arrived with the ability to save the lives of the injured? Just more Muggles swarming around.
*Btw, how on earth did Hagrid get there before Muggles in the area? Oh right, I forgot. Muggles in these books are unaccountably slow at everything so the Wizards can be just that much more competent.
*Which is, of course, why no Muggles have come down the street with flashlights by now asking about the streetlights. If the street got dark it must be because they closed their eyes and didn’t know it.
*Even if Dumbledore could do something about Harry’s scar, he won’t, because scars are useful. Especially when you’re planning to use a kid publicly to your own ends. Why, if his scar was covered up he might not be recognizable and your "imagine how horrible it would be if that happened to him as a kid" would kind of go away.
*Hagrid has his first crying fit. As Malfoy would say: Pathetic.
*He bends over to give Harry a scratchy kiss. I imagine the kiss reeking of booze.
*Hagrid is crying not just for the death of the former Prom King and Queen, but at the horrible idea that little Harry must live with Muggles. You can see why JKR had to invent little Malfoy to show Harry that prejudice exists in the WW as well. They seem so much more spiritually evolved than we are so far.
*Dumbledore pulls everyone away. They’ve got no business staying there. They abandoned the kid on the doorstep. They’ve done all that’s responsibly possible here.
*Hagrid goes to take Sirius back his bike—and be easily convinced that Sirius was in fact a Death Eater all this time even though he handed Harry over when you’d think a DE would have taken him himself.
*AU: They sniffle at the baby for a full minute, and then disappear. Barty Crouch jumps out of a bush, carries Harry off, and eats him alive under the full moon in the name of Voldemort. The end.
*Good luck, Harry, says Dumbledore. Don’t write if you need me!
*Apparently Petunia won’t come out and find Harry for a few hours. Oh well, nothing bad could happen to an under-two-year old in a couple of hours outside in late October, right?
Atomic Grenade
"You’re telling me that whatever was in that little baby blew up that entire building?! He must have swallowed an Atomic Grenade!"
The Cricket Rule
Day-for-Night
The day for night keeps the Muggles from noticing they’re in the middle of a blackout.
Designated Hero
::sniff:: Isn’t it wonderful the way the nice man abandoned the baby on the doorstep of the people terrified somebody would do something like that before going off to his party?
Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
And so it begins!
Idiot World
You know, no matter how many times you Wizards insult the Muggles, you’re still all idiots whose Evil Overlord was killed by his own oopsie. And he’s not even really dead. And in ten years you won’t have thought of any other possible way to destroy him.
Informed Attributes
Wizards are just wonderfully unordinary and creative. Really. If you take all the fun creative people in the world and gave them their own world, they’d totally produce this one.
McGuffin
Not a generic whatsis driving the plot of an action or suspense picture but Jim McGuffin, intrepid Muggle weatherman.
Monster Death Trap Proviso
Well, the only thing that killed Voldemort before was this kid with the black hair, so I guess we shouldn’t try to do anything ourselves about it.
Final score: 9
Shape of Things to Come Count: Hagrid and McGonagall both put down Muggles for no reason. Dumbledore arbitrarily decides what’s right for everyone. Hagrid blubbers.
*Vernon Dursley is a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, though he did have a very large non-sequatorial moustache. He’s never been to Bombay but he does have a sister who’s an accountant.
*I’m already loving Petunia with her extra-long neck that come in handy when she’s peering over the fences at the neighbors. Too bad Harry wasn’t born with an extra long nose to come in handy when he stuck it into Pensieves.
*Mrs. Potter and Mrs. Dursley haven’t met for years, which is all Mrs. Dursley’s fault of course. Lily’s been begging her to visit for years so she and James can look down on them.
*The Potters are as unDursley-ish as they could possibly be. That’s right, they’re both very attractive.
*The Dursleys know the Potters have a son too, and that’s another reason for keeping the Potters away. It’s terrible the way they judge the Potters son. Especially when everyone including the narrator is and will continue to be so non-judgmental about the Dursleys own child.
*The most interesting thing about PS is the way it starts out with JKR trying to lay down the difference between Muggles and Wizards in a way that just not hold up at all throughout the books: Muggles are people who are boring and Wizards are people who are more creative and interesting. It always amazes me when I hear readers who actually do buy into this definition, when the rest of the book makes it clear that the two are distinguished not at all by character, and completely on ability.
*It almost suggests that truly annoying idea that things like science are boring. Believe me, people who are obsessed with thinking with the heart or seeing all the things in the world that science can’t explain are usually far more boring, because what they really mean is "Listen to me prattle on in an empty way and say nothing."
*Granted, it makes the book start out as if the world we’re entering is going to be a lot more pleasant. Mr. Dursley seeing a cat reading a map and focusing his mind on drills is great.
*Mr. Dursley can’t stand the get-ups you see on young people. Shouldn’t Vernon be, like, twenty-three here? Or is he much older than Petunia, who is much older than Lily?
*Guess there’s no point in asking why Wizards are gathering in the middle of a Muggle neighborhood where none of them seem to live, right?
*Nice little psychology of Vernon moment there, eh? He’s afraid of magic and yells and dominates people to feel better. You know what he needs? Somebody to play a magical prank on him, preferably one that simulates murder. That would snap him right out of it. Such a tragedy James died too young to be the one to do it.
*So although the Dursleys are in denial, Vernon is shocked into suspended animation by overhearing the words "Harry" and "Potters." Somehow I imagine Lily could overhear, "Little Dudley Dursley was squashed flat by a garbage truck on Privet Drive," and think "Shall we have pumpkin fluffernuts or pixie pouf pie for dessert tonight?"
*God knows Harry would in her situation. That’s the real reason JKR had to kill off all his family, you know. Not just so he had to stay with the Dursleys. She just knew Harry would never get around to learning all their names.
*Awww. Vernon doesn’t want to upset Petunia by bringing up the painful subject of her sister.
*Vernon runs into a Wizard who tells him even Muggles like himself should be celebrating—I’m sure the first time I read this I didn’t half-expect the wizard to hit Vernon with a dancing spell to make sure the Muggle did as he should.
*Dudley’s new word: shan’t! Hee!
*But more importantly, note how Petunia’s social life is cast in an inescapably negative light. If she tells Vernon how she talked to her neighbor about her problems with her daughter, she’s gossiping. Not at all like Hermione reporting all the news that’s fit for the girl’s bathroom in later books.
*In Godric’s Hollow, Saintly Lily only interacts with her neighbors to protect them from bullies.
*So the Dursleys are the only Muggles in the world who *want* to forget about the existence of Wizards, yet aren’t given Memory-charms. Because while it’s okay to give someone brain damage to make sure they don’t remember that guy who seemed to appear out of nowhere, forgetting the wonder that is Lily Potter would be a tragedy.
*Vernon puts himself to sleep thinking how since the Potters knows how he feels about their kind, they won’t have anything to do with them. Vernon forgot how Wizards feel about *his* kind—namely that they’re pretty much there to do whatever Wizards want.
*And yet according to Hagrid Muggles can’t know about Wizards because they’d be pestering them for help all the time.
*I have never been able to remove ESE!McGonagall from the soft spot in my heart. Though perhaps the fact that her tail twitches and her eyes narrow at the sight of Dumbledore just means that as a cat she’s got better taste than as a person.
*Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. Yeah, yeah, he’s the oldest drag queen ever. The street ought to make up a plaque commemorating this momentous visit.
*And anyway, I don’t believe it. I’ll bet Muggle suburban teenagers living there in the 1960s did some pretty bitchin’ things with purple velvet, high-heeled boots and half-moon glasses too.
*Mary Tyler Moore flash: Ted is wearing his conquistador boots.
*His nose looks like it’s been broken at least twice, and as if he’s someone who can’t fix a broken nose with a wave of his hand.
*Later we’ll of course discover he’s merely a Gryffindor who wouldn’t dare let anyone take away battle scars, at least once he’s too old to have them interfere with his looks.
*Btw, thanks Albus for showing up and putting out all the streetlamps. Those aren’t there for a reason at all. Feel free to move the houses around if it suits your purpose as well. Their street is your street.
*Is putting out the streetlamps supposed to be a clever cover so no one sees him abandoning a child? Because in reality putting out the streetlamps would bring all the Muggles to their doors to find out what happened.
*Okay, so why was McGonagall (in her emerald green cloak) trying to hide herself from Dumbledore exactly? And why has she apparently kept the fact she’s an Animagus secret from Dumbledore?
*McGonagall gets the dubious distinction of being the first to introduce Muggle prejudice into the story by saying Muggles aren’t "completely stupid" and so can spot fireworks and owls in the sky.
*An especially odd time to be putting down Muggles when their own world’s been apparently run by a psycho for 11 years, one none of them have been able to do a thing about without a Deus ex Machina.
*McGonagall declines the sherbet lemon coldly, as if this isn’t the time for them. Funny it sounded almost like just the reverse of the stuff we’ve been hearing about the Dursleys since page one—she doesn’t want silly Muggle candy.
*Apparently for 11 years Dumbledore’s been trying to get people to call You-Know-Who by his proper name: Voldemort. Funny, I thought his proper name was Tom Riddle. Oh, I guess he means the proper name that won’t allow Dumbledore to know important information that nobody else knows. Wouldn’t want anybody thinking of Voldemort as anything less than an evil demi-god wouldn’t we?
*Btw, what’s with the 11 years? What happened 11 years ago in 1970 that that’s considered the beginning of the reign of Voldemort?
*For once I’m with Dumbledore—why exactly are we afraid to say Voldemort’s name, when there’s never been any danger attached to it? It sounds reasonable, but only because it seems like there is a reason.
*Everyone knows Voldemort’s frightened of Dumbledore? Wonder why. Only Dumbledore’s PR firm knows for sure.
*Dumbledore says Voldemort’s got powers he doesn’t. McGonagall says Dumbledore’s just too noble to use them. Then she gets on her knees and fellates him right there on the street. Jesus, Minerva. You’d better be ESE and buttering the guy up.
*So everyone’s already somehow aware of the story of how Harry "killed" Voldemort, though Dumbledore’s the one with the real info. Seems more and more like he’s behind the publicity, doesn’t it?
*McGonagall pulls out a handkerchief and dabs her eyes, having learned for real that
*Dumbledore gives a big sniff, which I belatedly think is supposed to indicate he gives a damn that the Potters are dead. I think he’s just allergic to privets.
*McGonagall’s reasons for not wanting Harry with the Dursleys are pretty lame. They’re not like us! Their toddler son is a handful! Yup, not like Pureblood prejudice at all!
*That Dudley, already making bad choices.
*Dumbledore’s explained it all in a letter. What, you thought people like the Dursleys deserved a proper sit down?
*Dumbledore explains he’s doing Harry a favor by not letting him grow up a Wizard. Don’t worry; he’ll be backtracking on this once enough people point out that child abuse is not usually considered character-building.
*McGonagall folds like a paper canoe. Yes, Dumbledore, it’s completely impossible for a child to grow up aware that the circumstances of his birth are unique and admired. It’s never been done, ever. Otoh, if a child is openly despised and neglected until the age of 11 and then suddenly fawned over as a hero for something he doesn’t remember, it will be great.
*This is what happens when you grow up in a world without TV. No one who ever saw that Brady Bunch episode where Peter saved the little girl at the toy store and became insufferable would ever agree to this plan.
*Dumbledore would trust Hagrid with his life—by which he means he trusts Hagrid to be loyal to him like a favorite dog, not in a way that suggests Hagrid is moral or skilled. He basically trusts Hagrid in a similar way that James trusts Peter.
*So Hagrid is twice as tall as a man, five times as wide, with hands the size of dustbin lids and feet like baby dolphins. Take a moment to try to picture that and wonder why Hagrid isn’t shot at more often.
*Young Sirius Black lent him the bike. Hey, isn’t that the guy Harry’s parents and later Harry himself wants to live with? The guy who loves him regardless of his part in a prophecy? Yeah, we’ll take care of him soon enough.
*Hagrid says he was able to get Harry out before the Muggles started swarmin’ around. Because everything Muggles do must be stupid and animal like. Highly trained first responders who’ve arrived with the ability to save the lives of the injured? Just more Muggles swarming around.
*Btw, how on earth did Hagrid get there before Muggles in the area? Oh right, I forgot. Muggles in these books are unaccountably slow at everything so the Wizards can be just that much more competent.
*Which is, of course, why no Muggles have come down the street with flashlights by now asking about the streetlights. If the street got dark it must be because they closed their eyes and didn’t know it.
*Even if Dumbledore could do something about Harry’s scar, he won’t, because scars are useful. Especially when you’re planning to use a kid publicly to your own ends. Why, if his scar was covered up he might not be recognizable and your "imagine how horrible it would be if that happened to him as a kid" would kind of go away.
*Hagrid has his first crying fit. As Malfoy would say: Pathetic.
*He bends over to give Harry a scratchy kiss. I imagine the kiss reeking of booze.
*Hagrid is crying not just for the death of the former Prom King and Queen, but at the horrible idea that little Harry must live with Muggles. You can see why JKR had to invent little Malfoy to show Harry that prejudice exists in the WW as well. They seem so much more spiritually evolved than we are so far.
*Dumbledore pulls everyone away. They’ve got no business staying there. They abandoned the kid on the doorstep. They’ve done all that’s responsibly possible here.
*Hagrid goes to take Sirius back his bike—and be easily convinced that Sirius was in fact a Death Eater all this time even though he handed Harry over when you’d think a DE would have taken him himself.
*AU: They sniffle at the baby for a full minute, and then disappear. Barty Crouch jumps out of a bush, carries Harry off, and eats him alive under the full moon in the name of Voldemort. The end.
*Good luck, Harry, says Dumbledore. Don’t write if you need me!
*Apparently Petunia won’t come out and find Harry for a few hours. Oh well, nothing bad could happen to an under-two-year old in a couple of hours outside in late October, right?
Atomic Grenade
"You’re telling me that whatever was in that little baby blew up that entire building?! He must have swallowed an Atomic Grenade!"
The Cricket Rule
Day-for-Night
The day for night keeps the Muggles from noticing they’re in the middle of a blackout.
Designated Hero
::sniff:: Isn’t it wonderful the way the nice man abandoned the baby on the doorstep of the people terrified somebody would do something like that before going off to his party?
Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
And so it begins!
Idiot World
You know, no matter how many times you Wizards insult the Muggles, you’re still all idiots whose Evil Overlord was killed by his own oopsie. And he’s not even really dead. And in ten years you won’t have thought of any other possible way to destroy him.
Informed Attributes
Wizards are just wonderfully unordinary and creative. Really. If you take all the fun creative people in the world and gave them their own world, they’d totally produce this one.
McGuffin
Not a generic whatsis driving the plot of an action or suspense picture but Jim McGuffin, intrepid Muggle weatherman.
Monster Death Trap Proviso
Well, the only thing that killed Voldemort before was this kid with the black hair, so I guess we shouldn’t try to do anything ourselves about it.
Final score: 9
Shape of Things to Come Count: Hagrid and McGonagall both put down Muggles for no reason. Dumbledore arbitrarily decides what’s right for everyone. Hagrid blubbers.
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Date: 2006-10-15 03:29 pm (UTC)http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/76910.html