Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 5

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry arrives with Fred and George at the Burrow.]

Harry: So, what was that super-special-awesome tormenting candy you gave my cousin?

Fred: Oh, it’s called Ton-Tongue Toffee. George and I invented them. Aren’t we just ingenious and not at all dangerous or scary?!

[Turns out, all the elder Weasley brothers are there as well.]

Charlie: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Charlie, and you met me in Book 1. I am here to do something important—ssssssh, I can’t say what lest any premature revelations spoil the plot—in this book, and then to vanish and never appear again. Oh, yeah, I was good at Quidditch. But not quite as good as you, Harry!

Bill: And I’m the other older Weasley brother. I’m a totally awesome tomb robber, dude! Oh, and I’ll marry a hot chick you meet later on for no reason. But other than that I have no real purpose either. Peace, man!

[Just then, Mr. Weasley appears, looking very angry.]

Mr. Weasley: It was very wrong indeed of you to mistreat that poor Muggle boy. Note, however, that I am not going to punish you, but merely give you a slap on the wrist. In fact, I am not even going to tell your mother.

Mrs. Weasley: Somebody call me?

Fred and George: AAAAAAAAH!

Mr. Weasley: Oh, it’s nothing—they were just tormenting a Muggle who was a bully to Harry to begin with!

[Just then, Hermione and Ginny enter.]

Ron: By the way, Fred and George are opening a joke shop. Do not ask me how they can turn a profit from doing that, but they can. Now let’s go to our room.

[Percy is the last one on the scene.]

Percy: Oh, hello, everyone. I’m just working on a report about cauldron thickness, and how we, surprise surprise, need some sort of standard or else people will sell dangerously-thin cauldrons just to save money, which will lead to a great many injuries that could have easily been avoided—

Ron: Yeah, whatevs. We’re wizards—pointless danger is our game. If everyone were Gryffindors we wouldn’t worry about this crap.

[Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny all go to Ron’s room.]

Ron: So, you like my new baby owl? His name’s Pigwidgeon, which Ginny called him.

Ginny: He won’t answer to anything else. How he even learned his name in the first place, with how stupid owls are, is another matter….

Ron: Oh, by the way, Percy is very enamored of his employer, Mr. Crouch. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly be important in any way.

Harry: Oh, goodie! We have a genuine…bi character in this story!

Ron: I was joking! Alright, he’s desperately trying to shadow this man because he’s his slave in his quest for power. Or something!

[After a time, the Trio and Ginny go down to help out with dinner. Mrs. Weasley causes creamy sauce to flow from her wand.]

Mrs. Weasley: Any Freudian implications of this image are purely coincidental.

Ginny: You’re secretly a man?!

Mrs. Weasley: Purely coincidental! Now get ye gone!

[The family ends up eating an idyllic dinner outside while Crookshanks chases Gnomes and everyone makes spirited and plot-heavy conversation.]

**LET’S PLAY: SPOT THE PLOT POINT! WITH OUR HOST, PERCY WEASLEY!**

Percy: Alright, I’m going to say a number of words here, and I want you to tell me which ones you think will be plot-relevant! Cauldron bottoms! World Cup! Ludo Bagman! Bertha Jorkins! Missing! Secret Mystery Event for After the World Cup!

Mr. Weasley: Ahem, you will never be the star of anything. Let me just say that Ludo Bagman is awesome because I was able to get my tickets to him through bribery and cutting deals and generally breaking my own laws!

Percy: Alright, at least let me discuss the Secret Mystery Even for After the World Cup?

Ron: No, you can’t do that—we can’t have any Premature Revelations spoil the book’s plot.

Fred: Mind if I cut in? I’ve got a plot-important keyword of my own: Viktor Krum!

Harry: Who?

Charlie: He’s a famous Quidditch player from Eastern Europe. His team will be competing against Ireland in the Quidditch World Cup.

**PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER**

[Harry Potter is the best Quidditch player in his school.]

Wood: Harry, you’re the best!

Angelina: Oh, Harry, I love you so much. Will you let me kiss you?

Harry: Ah… no….

Ron: Wow, I wish I was as good as Harry.

[The only character in the series so far to be comparable to Harry is Charlie.]

Charlie: But now I’m graduated so Harry has no competition in Hogwarts whatsoever!

[Harry owes most of his success to his spectacular broom, the Firebolt!]

Harry: My broom is the best! Even pros don’t always have it! And this does not give me an unfair advantage or anything!

**END OF FLASHBACK INFO DUMP**

Harry: Wow, this is wonderful! I could just stay here for the rest of my life!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, look at the time! We need to get to bed—we’ll be getting up early to go to Diagon Alley and the Quidditch World Cup!

Harry: Why are we getting school supplies before the big game?

Mrs. Weasley: Because professional games sometimes last for many days.

Percy: Oh, I hope that doesn’t happen! I still have to turn in my report before Fred and George put dragon dung or something in it!

Fred: Sorry Percy—your research just isn’t as important as our amusement. And we are totally likeable pranksters!

Comments

[corycides.livejournal.com]

Imagine if she had ended the books with Harry picking up a time-turner and spinning it instead of with the epilogue?