Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 5

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry arrives with Fred and George at the Burrow.]

Harry: So, what was that super-special-awesome tormenting candy you gave my cousin?

Fred: Oh, it’s called Ton-Tongue Toffee. George and I invented them. Aren’t we just ingenious and not at all dangerous or scary?!

[Turns out, all the elder Weasley brothers are there as well.]

Charlie: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Charlie, and you met me in Book 1. I am here to do something important—ssssssh, I can’t say what lest any premature revelations spoil the plot—in this book, and then to vanish and never appear again. Oh, yeah, I was good at Quidditch. But not quite as good as you, Harry!

Bill: And I’m the other older Weasley brother. I’m a totally awesome tomb robber, dude! Oh, and I’ll marry a hot chick you meet later on for no reason. But other than that I have no real purpose either. Peace, man!

[Just then, Mr. Weasley appears, looking very angry.]

Mr. Weasley: It was very wrong indeed of you to mistreat that poor Muggle boy. Note, however, that I am not going to punish you, but merely give you a slap on the wrist. In fact, I am not even going to tell your mother.

Mrs. Weasley: Somebody call me?

Fred and George: AAAAAAAAH!

Mr. Weasley: Oh, it’s nothing—they were just tormenting a Muggle who was a bully to Harry to begin with!

[Just then, Hermione and Ginny enter.]

Ron: By the way, Fred and George are opening a joke shop. Do not ask me how they can turn a profit from doing that, but they can. Now let’s go to our room.

[Percy is the last one on the scene.]

Percy: Oh, hello, everyone. I’m just working on a report about cauldron thickness, and how we, surprise surprise, need some sort of standard or else people will sell dangerously-thin cauldrons just to save money, which will lead to a great many injuries that could have easily been avoided—

Ron: Yeah, whatevs. We’re wizards—pointless danger is our game. If everyone were Gryffindors we wouldn’t worry about this crap.

[Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny all go to Ron’s room.]

Ron: So, you like my new baby owl? His name’s Pigwidgeon, which Ginny called him.

Ginny: He won’t answer to anything else. How he even learned his name in the first place, with how stupid owls are, is another matter….

Ron: Oh, by the way, Percy is very enamored of his employer, Mr. Crouch. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly be important in any way.

Harry: Oh, goodie! We have a genuine…bi character in this story!

Ron: I was joking! Alright, he’s desperately trying to shadow this man because he’s his slave in his quest for power. Or something!

[After a time, the Trio and Ginny go down to help out with dinner. Mrs. Weasley causes creamy sauce to flow from her wand.]

Mrs. Weasley: Any Freudian implications of this image are purely coincidental.

Ginny: You’re secretly a man?!

Mrs. Weasley: Purely coincidental! Now get ye gone!

[The family ends up eating an idyllic dinner outside while Crookshanks chases Gnomes and everyone makes spirited and plot-heavy conversation.]

**LET’S PLAY: SPOT THE PLOT POINT! WITH OUR HOST, PERCY WEASLEY!**

Percy: Alright, I’m going to say a number of words here, and I want you to tell me which ones you think will be plot-relevant! Cauldron bottoms! World Cup! Ludo Bagman! Bertha Jorkins! Missing! Secret Mystery Event for After the World Cup!

Mr. Weasley: Ahem, you will never be the star of anything. Let me just say that Ludo Bagman is awesome because I was able to get my tickets to him through bribery and cutting deals and generally breaking my own laws!

Percy: Alright, at least let me discuss the Secret Mystery Even for After the World Cup?

Ron: No, you can’t do that—we can’t have any Premature Revelations spoil the book’s plot.

Fred: Mind if I cut in? I’ve got a plot-important keyword of my own: Viktor Krum!

Harry: Who?

Charlie: He’s a famous Quidditch player from Eastern Europe. His team will be competing against Ireland in the Quidditch World Cup.

**PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER**

[Harry Potter is the best Quidditch player in his school.]

Wood: Harry, you’re the best!

Angelina: Oh, Harry, I love you so much. Will you let me kiss you?

Harry: Ah… no….

Ron: Wow, I wish I was as good as Harry.

[The only character in the series so far to be comparable to Harry is Charlie.]

Charlie: But now I’m graduated so Harry has no competition in Hogwarts whatsoever!

[Harry owes most of his success to his spectacular broom, the Firebolt!]

Harry: My broom is the best! Even pros don’t always have it! And this does not give me an unfair advantage or anything!

**END OF FLASHBACK INFO DUMP**

Harry: Wow, this is wonderful! I could just stay here for the rest of my life!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, look at the time! We need to get to bed—we’ll be getting up early to go to Diagon Alley and the Quidditch World Cup!

Harry: Why are we getting school supplies before the big game?

Mrs. Weasley: Because professional games sometimes last for many days.

Percy: Oh, I hope that doesn’t happen! I still have to turn in my report before Fred and George put dragon dung or something in it!

Fred: Sorry Percy—your research just isn’t as important as our amusement. And we are totally likeable pranksters!

Comments

[terri-testing.livejournal.com]

I speculated years ago that Tom arranged for some of his would-be followers to serve short terms in Azkaban for exactly that reason.

[sunnyskywalker]

That makes a lot of sense. Plus, it's a great tool for convincing recruits that yes, the Ministry is The Enemy who does horrible things to political dissidents and people they just don't like (you don't even need spin, really). A lot would probably cling more tightly to Voldemort after that as the alternative who can save them.

[condwiramurs.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Good fodder for fanfic, too. ;) But yes, I totally agree. The WW really is rather dystopic once you get right down to it.