Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 35
Jan. 14th, 2013 04:40 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockHarry: I'm back, everyone!
[He's instantly surrounded by all the people who were in the stands.]
Dumbledore: Oh look! You're alive! Why am I not surprised?
Fudge: Yeah, well... Cedric isn't! He's dead!
Harry: Speaking of, where are Cedric's parents? They need his body.
Dumbledore: We'll make sure his body gets to his parents; never you mind it.
[Just then, Moody comes and starts kidnapping Harry!]
Moody: Come with me! I won't let anyone else be privy to the long-winded exposition speech I'm about to pull out of my ass!
Harry: Oh, great! From one guy threatening me with a long-winded speech to another!
Moody: No, you like it and you know it.
Harry: Dumbledore! I'm being kidnapped! Save me!
Dumbledore: You know, Harry, you look cute as a ragdoll being dragged hither and yon.
Harry: THIS ISN'T COOL!
Dumbledore: I'll catch up with you later. My delicate ears can't handle a long-winded exposition speech by someone not me or under my command.
[So Harry is dragged off by “Moody” to a spare room, where Moody starts interrogating him.]
Moody: I'll start. What all happened once you vanished?
Harry: Well, I was transported to a graveyard, and then, Voldemort came back.
Moody: So he's back? Well, what do you know?
Harry: Oh, by the way, there's a Death Eater at Hogwarts who put my name in the Goblet of Fire. I'm thinking it's that dirty foreigner Karkaroff. What do you say?
Moody: Foolish boy! That was... ME!
Harry: …You?
Moody: Surprised? Did you know that I put the Dark Mark in the sky at the Quidditch World Cup?
Harry: But... that's impossible! You were too awesome to be a bad guy!
Moody: Stupid—this is the part where you're supposed to start questioning whether your first impressions are always correct! I was helping you through the Tournament all along just so you could get express-delivered to Lord Voldie. I even gave that idiot Navel the book on the Eridan Ampora weed just so you would get it in the end!
Harry: But Navel didn't tell me about it! Hah! Score one for me!
Moody: Yes, well... I thought you were better friends with him. That was when I employed the classic “talking really loudly so people can overhear you” ruse on your little elf friend once I made sure he was in the area!
Harry: Impossible!
Moody: Very possible. Truth is, I've always looked up to Voldie as a father figure because my own father sucked so bad. I wonder if this relates to your relationship with Dumbledore in some respects....
Harry: That can't be! My relationship with Dumbledore is pure and wholesome and sparkly and noble, while yours is dark and depraved because you help Voldemort!
Moody: Whatever. I think I'll just kill you now, just so Voldemort won't have to hurt his pretty little brain finding a way later.
[But just then, Dumbledore bursts in, accompanied by McGonagall and Snape! In the ensuing chaos, “Moody” is knocked out.]
Dumbledore: You ludacris fool!
McGonagall: You mediocre dunce!
Snape: You... HOW DARE YOU?!
Harry: Wasn't me!
Dumbledore: So, did you get your long-winded exposition speech out of him, yet?
Harry: Well... yeah, sort of. It was about how he was working for Voldemort and helping me in the Tournament just so he could hand me over to Voldemort by the end of things. But, anyway, how could Moody be the bad guy? He was so cool!
Dumbledore: If he isn't Moody, that's how. All will be revealed soon, but first, I need Snape to fetch Veritaserum and a House Elf named Winky, and I need McGonagall to go catch the black dog that's been sneaking around the school.
McGonagall and Snape: Anything you say, O Dumbledore.
[They depart, and then Dumbledore proceeds to unlock a very large trunk in the back, which opens to reveal the real Mad-Eye Moody in an underground chamber.]
Harry: You mean... this impostor has been disguising himself as Moody all along?! Who would have ever guessed?!
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah. Just give him the fake Moody's cloak and we'll get Madame Pomfrey up here to see him as soon as any long-winded exposition speeches have passed.
[Harry obeys]
Dumbledore: Anyway, you see fake Moody's hip flask? [Produces hip flask and opens it] It's full of Polyjuice Potion—no doubt he was using the fact that Moody only drinks out of his hip flask to his advantage.
Harry: Of course! It's so simple! Why didn't you think of that?!
Dumbledore: I had a headache [Glares at Harry]. But...anyway...Polyjuice Potion wears off, remember?
[Sure enough, fake!Moody is getting younger and cuter by the minute.]
Harry: Holy shit! It's Barty Crouch, Junior! Wow... he's sexy even in this disheveled state!
Crouch: And I know it!
Dumbledore: Hey! You're supposed to be unconscious!
Crouch: Whatever! You don't want to mess with me! I've got a time-traveling telephone booth and I'm not afraid to use it!
[But just then, McGonagall and Snape return, with Winky in tow.]
Winky: It's you!
Crouch: Yes, it's me. And no, you may not accompany me on my time-traveling adventures.
Winky: So... what are you going to do to him?!
Snape: We shall give him Veritaserum—for when the long-winded exposition speeches do not flow willingly!
Winky: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Snape drugs Crouch up with Veritaserum, and he immediately begins to talk.]
Crouch: My mother smuggled me out of Azkaban, right, and since she was dying anyway she just took my place to fool the Dementors—they're blind, see. Unfortunately, when I got home my father put me under the Imperius curse. The only one who was still kind to me was Winky over there.
Winky: Don't tell them that, you idiot! You're going to get us in trouble!
Crouch: I have to, Winky! The power of the long-winded exposition speech is compelling me!
Winky: You monsters!
Crouch: Bertha Jorkins was the only one who discovered the truth about me—quite by accident, of course. My father put a memory charm on her to keep her quiet but it ended up giving her brain damage.
Winky: Hey! The brain-damage bit was an accident!
Crouch: Winky persuaded me to go to the Quidditch World Cup (safely under an invisibility cloak, of course) by invoking my dead mother, and my father agreed. Little did he know, by that point I was beginning to resist the Imperius Curse.
Harry: Wow! And here I thought only I could do that!
Crouch: Yeah, well... maybe it only takes one try for a special snowflake like you, but for the rest of us...!
Dumbledore: Stay focused, you!
Crouch: At the match I stole this chump's wand [indicates Harry] just for the hell of it because my father had never allowed me a wand.
Winky: I knew I should've hidden those porn magazines....
Crouch: ANYWAY, I ran into some former Death Eaters who hadn't been worshipping Voldemort enough or gone to Azkaban to demonstrate the sheer force of their loyalty so I decided to intimidate them by launching a Dark Mark. The reason why Winky appeared when she did was that she'd been binding herself to me with magic this entire time. Father was furious when he saw that Winky hadn't been able to keep me perfectly obedient.
Winky: So THAT'S why he abandoned me! Oh, why me...? [Cries]
Crouch: And that's when my dear Lord Voldie came back for me. He had apparently found out everything from Bertha Jorkins, and when he returned he put my father under the Imperius Curse and freed me. So I was free to go about my Dark duty. Voldemort told me that I needed to impersonate Moody and infiltrate Hogwarts, which at length I did, with Wormtail's help.
Harry: Wormtail?! Impossible! Wormtail's not good for anything!
Crouch: Oh, come on! You were there in the graveyard when he helped Voldemort return—you must have seen with your own eyes that he was good for something!
Harry: No! It can't be true! I refuse to believe it!
Crouch: Whatever, jackass. So I've been brewing Polyjuice potion from stolen potion ingredients ever since and interviewing Moody to find out exactly how he behaves so I could fool even you, Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Well... I... I assure you that this will not become a pattern! Nope, nope!
Crouch: Anyway, Wormtail was placed in charge of my father at his house, but my father got away and ran for Hogwarts. So I killed him. Oh, and that was also when I stunned that dirty foreigner.
Winky: There go your TV privileges, young man!
Crouch: And... that's that. Oh, by the way, Harry, thanks for letting me borrow your special map so I could make absolutely sure nobody was around before I buried my father's body.
Harry: You bastard! How dare you pervert the good names of Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs so!
Crouch: Oh, yeah? Well what can YOU do about it? [Sticks out tongue]
Dumbledore: And then you... transformed the Triwizard Cup into a portkey.
Crouch: Yes I did! Oh, won't my Lord Voldie be so proud of me!
Dumbledore: Well... you keep telling yourself that. Everyone, this long-winded exposition speech is now over. Let's take Crouch into custody and clean up.
[He's instantly surrounded by all the people who were in the stands.]
Dumbledore: Oh look! You're alive! Why am I not surprised?
Fudge: Yeah, well... Cedric isn't! He's dead!
Harry: Speaking of, where are Cedric's parents? They need his body.
Dumbledore: We'll make sure his body gets to his parents; never you mind it.
[Just then, Moody comes and starts kidnapping Harry!]
Moody: Come with me! I won't let anyone else be privy to the long-winded exposition speech I'm about to pull out of my ass!
Harry: Oh, great! From one guy threatening me with a long-winded speech to another!
Moody: No, you like it and you know it.
Harry: Dumbledore! I'm being kidnapped! Save me!
Dumbledore: You know, Harry, you look cute as a ragdoll being dragged hither and yon.
Harry: THIS ISN'T COOL!
Dumbledore: I'll catch up with you later. My delicate ears can't handle a long-winded exposition speech by someone not me or under my command.
[So Harry is dragged off by “Moody” to a spare room, where Moody starts interrogating him.]
Moody: I'll start. What all happened once you vanished?
Harry: Well, I was transported to a graveyard, and then, Voldemort came back.
Moody: So he's back? Well, what do you know?
Harry: Oh, by the way, there's a Death Eater at Hogwarts who put my name in the Goblet of Fire. I'm thinking it's that dirty foreigner Karkaroff. What do you say?
Moody: Foolish boy! That was... ME!
Harry: …You?
Moody: Surprised? Did you know that I put the Dark Mark in the sky at the Quidditch World Cup?
Harry: But... that's impossible! You were too awesome to be a bad guy!
Moody: Stupid—this is the part where you're supposed to start questioning whether your first impressions are always correct! I was helping you through the Tournament all along just so you could get express-delivered to Lord Voldie. I even gave that idiot Navel the book on the Eridan Ampora weed just so you would get it in the end!
Harry: But Navel didn't tell me about it! Hah! Score one for me!
Moody: Yes, well... I thought you were better friends with him. That was when I employed the classic “talking really loudly so people can overhear you” ruse on your little elf friend once I made sure he was in the area!
Harry: Impossible!
Moody: Very possible. Truth is, I've always looked up to Voldie as a father figure because my own father sucked so bad. I wonder if this relates to your relationship with Dumbledore in some respects....
Harry: That can't be! My relationship with Dumbledore is pure and wholesome and sparkly and noble, while yours is dark and depraved because you help Voldemort!
Moody: Whatever. I think I'll just kill you now, just so Voldemort won't have to hurt his pretty little brain finding a way later.
[But just then, Dumbledore bursts in, accompanied by McGonagall and Snape! In the ensuing chaos, “Moody” is knocked out.]
Dumbledore: You ludacris fool!
McGonagall: You mediocre dunce!
Snape: You... HOW DARE YOU?!
Harry: Wasn't me!
Dumbledore: So, did you get your long-winded exposition speech out of him, yet?
Harry: Well... yeah, sort of. It was about how he was working for Voldemort and helping me in the Tournament just so he could hand me over to Voldemort by the end of things. But, anyway, how could Moody be the bad guy? He was so cool!
Dumbledore: If he isn't Moody, that's how. All will be revealed soon, but first, I need Snape to fetch Veritaserum and a House Elf named Winky, and I need McGonagall to go catch the black dog that's been sneaking around the school.
McGonagall and Snape: Anything you say, O Dumbledore.
[They depart, and then Dumbledore proceeds to unlock a very large trunk in the back, which opens to reveal the real Mad-Eye Moody in an underground chamber.]
Harry: You mean... this impostor has been disguising himself as Moody all along?! Who would have ever guessed?!
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah. Just give him the fake Moody's cloak and we'll get Madame Pomfrey up here to see him as soon as any long-winded exposition speeches have passed.
[Harry obeys]
Dumbledore: Anyway, you see fake Moody's hip flask? [Produces hip flask and opens it] It's full of Polyjuice Potion—no doubt he was using the fact that Moody only drinks out of his hip flask to his advantage.
Harry: Of course! It's so simple! Why didn't you think of that?!
Dumbledore: I had a headache [Glares at Harry]. But...anyway...Polyjuice Potion wears off, remember?
[Sure enough, fake!Moody is getting younger and cuter by the minute.]
Harry: Holy shit! It's Barty Crouch, Junior! Wow... he's sexy even in this disheveled state!
Crouch: And I know it!
Dumbledore: Hey! You're supposed to be unconscious!
Crouch: Whatever! You don't want to mess with me! I've got a time-traveling telephone booth and I'm not afraid to use it!
[But just then, McGonagall and Snape return, with Winky in tow.]
Winky: It's you!
Crouch: Yes, it's me. And no, you may not accompany me on my time-traveling adventures.
Winky: So... what are you going to do to him?!
Snape: We shall give him Veritaserum—for when the long-winded exposition speeches do not flow willingly!
Winky: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Snape drugs Crouch up with Veritaserum, and he immediately begins to talk.]
Crouch: My mother smuggled me out of Azkaban, right, and since she was dying anyway she just took my place to fool the Dementors—they're blind, see. Unfortunately, when I got home my father put me under the Imperius curse. The only one who was still kind to me was Winky over there.
Winky: Don't tell them that, you idiot! You're going to get us in trouble!
Crouch: I have to, Winky! The power of the long-winded exposition speech is compelling me!
Winky: You monsters!
Crouch: Bertha Jorkins was the only one who discovered the truth about me—quite by accident, of course. My father put a memory charm on her to keep her quiet but it ended up giving her brain damage.
Winky: Hey! The brain-damage bit was an accident!
Crouch: Winky persuaded me to go to the Quidditch World Cup (safely under an invisibility cloak, of course) by invoking my dead mother, and my father agreed. Little did he know, by that point I was beginning to resist the Imperius Curse.
Harry: Wow! And here I thought only I could do that!
Crouch: Yeah, well... maybe it only takes one try for a special snowflake like you, but for the rest of us...!
Dumbledore: Stay focused, you!
Crouch: At the match I stole this chump's wand [indicates Harry] just for the hell of it because my father had never allowed me a wand.
Winky: I knew I should've hidden those porn magazines....
Crouch: ANYWAY, I ran into some former Death Eaters who hadn't been worshipping Voldemort enough or gone to Azkaban to demonstrate the sheer force of their loyalty so I decided to intimidate them by launching a Dark Mark. The reason why Winky appeared when she did was that she'd been binding herself to me with magic this entire time. Father was furious when he saw that Winky hadn't been able to keep me perfectly obedient.
Winky: So THAT'S why he abandoned me! Oh, why me...? [Cries]
Crouch: And that's when my dear Lord Voldie came back for me. He had apparently found out everything from Bertha Jorkins, and when he returned he put my father under the Imperius Curse and freed me. So I was free to go about my Dark duty. Voldemort told me that I needed to impersonate Moody and infiltrate Hogwarts, which at length I did, with Wormtail's help.
Harry: Wormtail?! Impossible! Wormtail's not good for anything!
Crouch: Oh, come on! You were there in the graveyard when he helped Voldemort return—you must have seen with your own eyes that he was good for something!
Harry: No! It can't be true! I refuse to believe it!
Crouch: Whatever, jackass. So I've been brewing Polyjuice potion from stolen potion ingredients ever since and interviewing Moody to find out exactly how he behaves so I could fool even you, Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Well... I... I assure you that this will not become a pattern! Nope, nope!
Crouch: Anyway, Wormtail was placed in charge of my father at his house, but my father got away and ran for Hogwarts. So I killed him. Oh, and that was also when I stunned that dirty foreigner.
Winky: There go your TV privileges, young man!
Crouch: And... that's that. Oh, by the way, Harry, thanks for letting me borrow your special map so I could make absolutely sure nobody was around before I buried my father's body.
Harry: You bastard! How dare you pervert the good names of Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs so!
Crouch: Oh, yeah? Well what can YOU do about it? [Sticks out tongue]
Dumbledore: And then you... transformed the Triwizard Cup into a portkey.
Crouch: Yes I did! Oh, won't my Lord Voldie be so proud of me!
Dumbledore: Well... you keep telling yourself that. Everyone, this long-winded exposition speech is now over. Let's take Crouch into custody and clean up.
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no subject
Date: 2013-01-14 10:21 pm (UTC)No, because it turned out that he was a Death Eater, not that he was a “good guy” who was actually bad. Besides, Harry doesn’t acknowledge his mistaken impressions later anyway, since he has no problem thinking or telling people that he learned useful things from Moody, who was actually Barty in disguise.
/Dumbledore: I had a headache/
Like the “My Immortal” references! XD
/Crouch: I have to, Winky! The power of the long-winded exposition speech is compelling me!/
I really liked this line. :)
/Dumbledore: Well... I... I assure you that this will not become a pattern!/
Didn’t it already become a pattern when Quirrell fooled Dumbledore back in PS/SS?
no subject
Date: 2013-01-16 01:41 am (UTC)Or the Mauraders becoming Animagi, letting Lupin run lose in the forbidden forest.