Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 37
Jan. 18th, 2013 11:36 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockThe home stretch!
[The next day, Harry goes to speak to Diggory's parents.]
Mr. Diggory: So, this is what happens to people who try to question Harry's eminence?
Harry: I DIDN'T DO IT! But, I'd be more than happy to give you my winnings. After all, they were rightfully Cedric's.
Mrs. Diggory: Oh, no—you keep them.
Harry: Really? Come on—don't spoil my chance to play the martyr here.
Mrs. Diggory: We insist. We can't just take money from you.
Harry: Alright, then. If it's any consolation, Cedric will be back—in a lame-ass vampire movie! Where he sparkles!
Diggories: Don't remind us! [Cries]
[Other than that, life goes on.]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! Everyone's still blaming me for what happened! They still believe that horrible Rita Skeeter! [Cries]
Ron: If it cheers you up, my mum asked us if you could come home this summer.
Harry: Ooh! Can I?
Ron: Ah... no—Dumbledore wants you back at the Dursleys.
Harry: Why does he keep sending me to the abusive Dursleys?! They're abusive! They ABUSE ME!
Ron: Beats me. But I'm sure he's got a plan.
Harry: The world hates me! [Cries some more]
[They go to see Hagrid later]
Harry: Hagrid, are you having tea with Madame Maxime?
Hagrid: Yes I am! We half-giants have to stay together for reasons of the next book's subplot.
Ron: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Dumbledore told me everything. You were so brave. You're as brave as your father.
Harry: Oh, wow! That's, like, the highest possible compliment!
Hagrid: You're damn right it is—your father was a great man. Well, that's what Dumbledore's been saying, anyway, and I have no reason to doubt Dumbledore. Anyway, things are about to get a lot worse than they've been now that Voldemort's back, but you'll persevere, right Harry?
Harry: I'll certainly try. Hagrid, what are the odds I'll make it through this whole series without either dying or turning into a whiny, useless emo teen?
Hagrid: Well... ah... I believe in you! Really!
Harry: How encouraging....
Ron: Hagrid, what say you we make a bet? I say Harry's going to go emo; you say he's going to die!
Hagrid: Ron! That's a terrible thing to suggest!
Ron: Alright, you say he'll go emo; I'll say he'll die.
Hagrid: Honestly, Ron, what kind of friend are you?
[The end-of-year feast arrives in due time]
Dumbledore: I'd like to take a moment to remember Cedric Diggory—the Hufflepuff who dared to be plot-relevant, and ended up dead for it—murdered by Voldemort, to be exact. May he enjoy many long years as a sparkly vampire for his trouble.
Cho: You insensitive brute! [Cries] I liked him better when he was a real person with flaws.
Dumbledore: By the way, just for the record, Cedric WAS murdered my Voldemort. Accept no other explanation. If the Minister of Magic Cornelia Fuck tries to tell you his death was an accident, just ignore it.
Draco: Haha! Cornelia Fuck!
Crabbe: That's a good one!
Goyle: It sure is! [beat] Doesn't your imaginary girlfriend call him that, Draco?
Draco: Oh, shut up!
Harry: Oh! Draco is talking! With Crabbe and Goyle! Clearly he is disgracing the good name of Cedric Diggory by opening his filthy, filthy mouth!
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah, and Harry Potter was the hero in this story, who risked his very life to save Cedric. Isn't he the bravest wizard in this place?
[The school drinks a toast to Harry—except for Draco and his friends]
Harry: It's just like Draco to not worship me! Hmph!
Dumbledore: Anyway, I'd just like to say for the record that any of you foreigners who want to take asylum in Hogwarts are more than welcome to do so. After all, our school is so superior to yours that it can protect you within Voldemort's home country better than your schools on the continent can! I'd just like to close by saying that dark and difficult times lie ahead, and soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. And if you ever get stuck, just remember Cedric Diggory, who was a good Samaritan and a model Hufflepuff and Mommy's and Daddy's prince and still got killed by Voldemort for no real reason just because he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Cho: ...Oh, come on! Those two things aren't even related! ...Are they?
[Sometime later the students all depart Hogwarts for their homes.]
Harry: I still can't believe that after everything I've gone through they're sending me back to my abusive guardians AGAIN! [Cries]
Fleur: So, just for your information, I'll be visiting England again after I finished school. I'm determined to remain relevant, whatever it takes.
Ron: We'll be happy to have you... I guess....
Hermione: How dare you look at that French girl! You're supposed to marry me!
Ron: Anyway, how do you think those Durmstrang kids will get back to school? Don't they need their headmaster to help them steer?
Krum: Nope! He was just a lazy bum like that—we had to do all the work! It's almost like he knew something like this would happen.... Anyway, I did like Cedric. He actually treated the other Durmstrang students and me like we were people, which was more than I could say for the rest of those at Hogwarts. Well, besides the Slytherins....
[The Hogwarts students board the train...]
Ron: So, did you ever figure out Rita Skeeter's secret?
Hermione: As a matter of fact I did. [She produces a jar with a large beetle in it.] This is Rita Skeeter.
Ron: She's an animagus! Well color me shocked!
Hermione: As a matter of fact she's an unregistered animagus. And now that I've got her in my custody I can do anything I want with her.
[Harry and Ron start shivering]
Ron: Y-you're scaring me....
Harry: M-me too....
[Just then, Draco passes them by, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.]
Draco: Oh, hello you three. Just in case you've forgotten what an asshole I am, I'll just remind you that Voldemort is likely to target every one of you for death first chance he gets. Mua ha ha.
[Just then Fred and George appear, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione join with them in hexing Draco and his friends until they're unconscious.]
Fred: By the way, you know who we spent the year trying to blackmail? Ludo Bagman.
Harry: Bagman is a bad guy after all? Holy shit!
Fred: I'll say he is. When we made a bet with him at the Quidditch World Cup he paid us back in Leprechaun gold.
George: On purpose!
Ron: Wasn't that all your money, though?
George: Well, yes... but... anyway, don't you want to know about what a scumbag Bagman is?
Ron: Oh, do tell.
George: So, anyway, Bagman is deep in debt to the goblins and can't get out because he loses all his money gambling. He bet that Harry would win the Triwizard Tournament, just so he could repay them.
Harry: I knew there was some nefarious reason he was helping me cheat! Only my friends help me cheat for good reasons!
George: Exactly! And when you tied instead of won, he lost the bet and had to run away.
Harry: Wow! Imagine that—Death Eater or no, Bagman really was a slimeball, right from the start!
[The rest of the train ride passes without incident]
Harry: By the way, Fred, George, I'm giving you my tournament winnings.
Fred: But... why would you do that? It's your money.
Harry: But I don't want this money! It's evil and dirty and I can't accept it! Now take it and use it to make your joke shop or I'll throw it down the drain!
George: Well... if you're going to throw perfectly good money down the drain... I don't suppose we can refuse.
Fred: No indeed.
[They accept Harry's money and part ways with him.]
Harry: Well, now that that's settled, it's time for me to brace myself and prepare for the worst. I have a feeling it's yet to come.
[The next day, Harry goes to speak to Diggory's parents.]
Mr. Diggory: So, this is what happens to people who try to question Harry's eminence?
Harry: I DIDN'T DO IT! But, I'd be more than happy to give you my winnings. After all, they were rightfully Cedric's.
Mrs. Diggory: Oh, no—you keep them.
Harry: Really? Come on—don't spoil my chance to play the martyr here.
Mrs. Diggory: We insist. We can't just take money from you.
Harry: Alright, then. If it's any consolation, Cedric will be back—in a lame-ass vampire movie! Where he sparkles!
Diggories: Don't remind us! [Cries]
[Other than that, life goes on.]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! Everyone's still blaming me for what happened! They still believe that horrible Rita Skeeter! [Cries]
Ron: If it cheers you up, my mum asked us if you could come home this summer.
Harry: Ooh! Can I?
Ron: Ah... no—Dumbledore wants you back at the Dursleys.
Harry: Why does he keep sending me to the abusive Dursleys?! They're abusive! They ABUSE ME!
Ron: Beats me. But I'm sure he's got a plan.
Harry: The world hates me! [Cries some more]
[They go to see Hagrid later]
Harry: Hagrid, are you having tea with Madame Maxime?
Hagrid: Yes I am! We half-giants have to stay together for reasons of the next book's subplot.
Ron: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Dumbledore told me everything. You were so brave. You're as brave as your father.
Harry: Oh, wow! That's, like, the highest possible compliment!
Hagrid: You're damn right it is—your father was a great man. Well, that's what Dumbledore's been saying, anyway, and I have no reason to doubt Dumbledore. Anyway, things are about to get a lot worse than they've been now that Voldemort's back, but you'll persevere, right Harry?
Harry: I'll certainly try. Hagrid, what are the odds I'll make it through this whole series without either dying or turning into a whiny, useless emo teen?
Hagrid: Well... ah... I believe in you! Really!
Harry: How encouraging....
Ron: Hagrid, what say you we make a bet? I say Harry's going to go emo; you say he's going to die!
Hagrid: Ron! That's a terrible thing to suggest!
Ron: Alright, you say he'll go emo; I'll say he'll die.
Hagrid: Honestly, Ron, what kind of friend are you?
[The end-of-year feast arrives in due time]
Dumbledore: I'd like to take a moment to remember Cedric Diggory—the Hufflepuff who dared to be plot-relevant, and ended up dead for it—murdered by Voldemort, to be exact. May he enjoy many long years as a sparkly vampire for his trouble.
Cho: You insensitive brute! [Cries] I liked him better when he was a real person with flaws.
Dumbledore: By the way, just for the record, Cedric WAS murdered my Voldemort. Accept no other explanation. If the Minister of Magic Cornelia Fuck tries to tell you his death was an accident, just ignore it.
Draco: Haha! Cornelia Fuck!
Crabbe: That's a good one!
Goyle: It sure is! [beat] Doesn't your imaginary girlfriend call him that, Draco?
Draco: Oh, shut up!
Harry: Oh! Draco is talking! With Crabbe and Goyle! Clearly he is disgracing the good name of Cedric Diggory by opening his filthy, filthy mouth!
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah, and Harry Potter was the hero in this story, who risked his very life to save Cedric. Isn't he the bravest wizard in this place?
[The school drinks a toast to Harry—except for Draco and his friends]
Harry: It's just like Draco to not worship me! Hmph!
Dumbledore: Anyway, I'd just like to say for the record that any of you foreigners who want to take asylum in Hogwarts are more than welcome to do so. After all, our school is so superior to yours that it can protect you within Voldemort's home country better than your schools on the continent can! I'd just like to close by saying that dark and difficult times lie ahead, and soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. And if you ever get stuck, just remember Cedric Diggory, who was a good Samaritan and a model Hufflepuff and Mommy's and Daddy's prince and still got killed by Voldemort for no real reason just because he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Cho: ...Oh, come on! Those two things aren't even related! ...Are they?
[Sometime later the students all depart Hogwarts for their homes.]
Harry: I still can't believe that after everything I've gone through they're sending me back to my abusive guardians AGAIN! [Cries]
Fleur: So, just for your information, I'll be visiting England again after I finished school. I'm determined to remain relevant, whatever it takes.
Ron: We'll be happy to have you... I guess....
Hermione: How dare you look at that French girl! You're supposed to marry me!
Ron: Anyway, how do you think those Durmstrang kids will get back to school? Don't they need their headmaster to help them steer?
Krum: Nope! He was just a lazy bum like that—we had to do all the work! It's almost like he knew something like this would happen.... Anyway, I did like Cedric. He actually treated the other Durmstrang students and me like we were people, which was more than I could say for the rest of those at Hogwarts. Well, besides the Slytherins....
[The Hogwarts students board the train...]
Ron: So, did you ever figure out Rita Skeeter's secret?
Hermione: As a matter of fact I did. [She produces a jar with a large beetle in it.] This is Rita Skeeter.
Ron: She's an animagus! Well color me shocked!
Hermione: As a matter of fact she's an unregistered animagus. And now that I've got her in my custody I can do anything I want with her.
[Harry and Ron start shivering]
Ron: Y-you're scaring me....
Harry: M-me too....
[Just then, Draco passes them by, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.]
Draco: Oh, hello you three. Just in case you've forgotten what an asshole I am, I'll just remind you that Voldemort is likely to target every one of you for death first chance he gets. Mua ha ha.
[Just then Fred and George appear, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione join with them in hexing Draco and his friends until they're unconscious.]
Fred: By the way, you know who we spent the year trying to blackmail? Ludo Bagman.
Harry: Bagman is a bad guy after all? Holy shit!
Fred: I'll say he is. When we made a bet with him at the Quidditch World Cup he paid us back in Leprechaun gold.
George: On purpose!
Ron: Wasn't that all your money, though?
George: Well, yes... but... anyway, don't you want to know about what a scumbag Bagman is?
Ron: Oh, do tell.
George: So, anyway, Bagman is deep in debt to the goblins and can't get out because he loses all his money gambling. He bet that Harry would win the Triwizard Tournament, just so he could repay them.
Harry: I knew there was some nefarious reason he was helping me cheat! Only my friends help me cheat for good reasons!
George: Exactly! And when you tied instead of won, he lost the bet and had to run away.
Harry: Wow! Imagine that—Death Eater or no, Bagman really was a slimeball, right from the start!
[The rest of the train ride passes without incident]
Harry: By the way, Fred, George, I'm giving you my tournament winnings.
Fred: But... why would you do that? It's your money.
Harry: But I don't want this money! It's evil and dirty and I can't accept it! Now take it and use it to make your joke shop or I'll throw it down the drain!
George: Well... if you're going to throw perfectly good money down the drain... I don't suppose we can refuse.
Fred: No indeed.
[They accept Harry's money and part ways with him.]
Harry: Well, now that that's settled, it's time for me to brace myself and prepare for the worst. I have a feeling it's yet to come.
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Date: 2013-01-27 10:27 pm (UTC)Harry really does assume the worst. Because evil Slythirns only think evil thoughts. They couldn't be talking about their plans for summer break.