Into the Valley of Death[ly Hallows]: An Introduction

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

In the Deadly Hollows Sporking Community, erastes began the festivities by saying this: “I have to just mention the preface page with excerpts from Aeschylus and William Penn. This made my heart sink, because invariably I find that crap books are prefaced by arty-farty poetry and prose. Just once I'd like to see a preface quoting Enid Blyton or Dan Brown. It would sing to me of hope.” With that in mind, I decided to emulate JKR by beginning my sporking of DH by quoting Alfred, Lord Tennyson. “The Charge of the Light Brigade” seems to express the attitude a person needs have when sporking the second-longest and (first) dullest of the Harry Potter books. If that sounds grandiose, well, just remember that in the five-and-a-half years since DH came out, only one person on DTCL, montavilla, has made it through sporking the entire book. Saylee tried, but had to quit after seven chapters because she just couldn’t take any more.

1.

Half a league, half a league,
 Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
 Rode the six hundred.
"Forward, the Light Brigade!
"Charge for the guns!" he said:
Into the valley of Death
 Rode the six hundred.

2.

"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
 Someone had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
 Rode the six hundred.

3.

...Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
 Rode the six hundred.

4.

...Then they rode back, but not
 Not the six hundred....

My first quarrel with DH is with its title. To “hallow” something is to hold it holy or revere it, according to the dictionary that came in my computer:

(verb, transitive)

honor as holy

(formal): make holy, consecrate

(as adjective): greatly revered or respected

(noun, archaic): a saint or holy person

But what are the “deathly hallows”? Nothing but three trinkets given by Death to sucker humans into either dying quickly, or throwing their lives away by hiding and cowering for decades in a vain attempt to avoid dying, i.e., a kind of living death. In other words, they’re particularly nasty gag gifts or practical joke toys. This makes Death look like a superhuman, immortal version of the Weasley twins; he certainly has the same nasty sense of humor.

Hmmm. That would make an interesting fanfic: Fred and George vs. Death in a practical joke duel to the death. Two against one isn’t really fair, though, is it?

No, not for this silly book is the simple dignity and nobility of Abraham Lincoln in the Gettysburg Address:

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow, this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here; while it can never forget what they did here.

I’m sometimes sorry Lincoln became a politician. He was one of America’s best prose stylists.

Before I started this project, I reread David Hemmens’s sporking of DH on Ferretbrain. One of the salient points he made is that JKR has a habit of writing chapters with portentous titles in which nothing much happens. That reminded me of something I read many years ago about Henry VIII’s wives. It said that if a woman is beautiful, she should wear plain gowns and a minimal amount of jewelry so as not to compete with or cover up her own natural charms. But if a woman is not great-looking, she should wear elaborate clothing and jewelry to compensate for her lack of beauty.

That applies to things besides feminine pulchritude, couture, and accessorizing. Think of all the novels, plays, and movies with bland titles that are nonetheless masterpieces: e.g., The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Misanthrope, and The Haunting (1962). These works don’t need fancy titles because their greatness is where it counts: on the page or screen. Elaborate titles would only distract the reader or viewer from the excellence of the final product.

This sporking took three months to write rather than the one I expected for two reasons: (1) DH is such a turgid, depressing book that by the time I reached the last third of it, I was so worn down emotionally I had to take some time off. (2) The series quickly evolved from a straight sporking into something much bigger. While most of the shorter installments are just sporks, the longer ones include essays on subjects relevant to the chapter content, such as an explanation of J. K. Rowling’s underdeveloped spirituality and how it affected the series and characters, a definitive diagnosis for Ariana Dumbledore (she wasn’t crazy), and an examination of the impossible bind communication patterns of Albus Dumbledore and how he used those patterns to ensnare and control Severus Snape. I was even inspired to write an original song for one chapter.

Because the Rowling sycophants like to spy on this forum so they can throw tantrums about our unauthorized beliefs, I wanted to quote a very astute observation that explains what I’m doing here. On the 2/18/13 edition of The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell, political commentator Ari Melber talked about the enmity between President Obama and  the Republicans in the U. S. House of Representatives. He said, “It goes to the difference between critics and haters. Critics may disagree, but they disagree for a reason. They usually have a point or an alternative. Haters are just gonna hate.” I don’t hate either J. K. Rowling or her books. I am convinced the Harry Potter series is very screwed up, technically (i.e., grammar and sentence structure), morally, and artistically. My anger and frustration with the series stems from my feeling of being ripped off by something that could and should have been a lot better than it was, and that gets undue adulation, particularly for being something it’s not: a paean to love and self-sacrifice.

I used the American Scholastic hardcover edition of the book when writing this spork. Thanks go to my local library for allowing me to check DH out for three months so I could complete this project.

Installments will be posted twice a week, on Sunday and Wednesday, probably in the evening, Central Time U. S.

On with the sporking!

Comments

[albichorizon.livejournal.com]

I'm really looking forward to this. Onwards, indeed.

[condwiramurs.livejournal.com]

Oh, yay! I am looking forward to this - especially the essays mentioned, but also the fun of a new deserved ripping up of the so-called book into the shreds of cardboard it came from.

[snapes-witch.livejournal.com]

My anger and frustration with the series stems from my feeling of being ripped off by something that could and should have been a lot better than it was, and that gets undue adulation, particularly for being something it’s not: a paean to love and self-sacrifice.


WORD!!! I'm eagerly awaiting your spork!

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

Thank you all for your faith in me. It's very flattering. I hope you won't be disappointed.

[madderbrad.livejournal.com]

Heh. I knew someone in another forum who, at the heights of our critiquing DH resolved to re-read the novel and list every single error.

Ultimately she wasn't able to muster the resolve to do it.

And none of us could blame her. DH is just that bad. Who amongst us could re-read that thing?

(Well, except you. :-))

My anger and frustration with the series -

Well, when I think of HP I do have a sense of the absence of *justice* - or the need for same. It's just a sorry world where trash like HP was so awesomely successful. And Rowling so celebrated. And so few people daring to say "but it was garbage!".

(Well, the closing of the series anyway. Which failed the whole set.)

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

Who amongst us could re-read that thing?

(Well, except you. :-))

I had the advantage of not having read it for almost 4 years. I certainly could not have sporked it without having a few years in between readings to let my memory fade.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, Amen! About the misuse of the word "Hallows", I mean. That has bothered me, too, and your explanation as to why is perfect. As to the rest, what a tremendous amount of energy you put out on this! I couldn't have done it, but I certainly am looking forward to reading it, just like everyone else.

And yes, I was a true fan of Rowling's through the first five books, even though their flaws were obvious. This series could and should have been so much better than it was.

[oryx_leucoryx]

This makes Death look like a superhuman, immortal version of the Weasley twins; he certainly has the same nasty sense of humor.

Hmmm. That would make an interesting fanfic: Fred and George vs. Death in a practical joke duel to the death. Two against one isn’t really fair, though, is it?

Death already beat 3 brothers.

While most of the shorter installments are just sporks, the longer ones include essays on subjects relevant to the chapter content, such as an explanation of J. K. Rowling’s underdeveloped spirituality and how it affected the series and characters, a definitive diagnosis for Ariana Dumbledore (she wasn’t crazy), and an examination of the impossible bind communication patterns of Albus Dumbledore and how he used those patterns to ensnare and control Severus Snape. I was even inspired to write an original song for one chapter.

Looking forward to your essays! The canon version of what happened the day Ariana was attacked as well as the day she died seems full of holes, so I'm interested in your solutions.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

Death already beat 3 brothers.

Yeah, but they weren't practical joke geniuses like Fred and George.

The canon version of what happened the day Ariana was attacked as well as the day she died seems full of holes, so I'm interested in your solutions.

Well, I don't get into what happened the day she was attacked, although if you want my explanation for that, I can sum it up here: I think Albus was the one who attacked Ariana. He was either tormenting her for entertainment or experimenting on her, and she ended up damaged. Then he either terrorized or Confunded her (probably the latter) into going along with the story about "muggle boys" to cover up his crime. This is consistent with the habit psychopaths have of tormenting animals or other children.

I have a lengthy explanation of what happened the day she died, but I'll save that for chapters 27 and 35, part 2. (Chapters 33 and 35 ran so long, they had to be broken into 2 parts each.)

[terri-testing.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I too came to the conclusion that Albus had injured Ariana.

(Why else would Percival and Kendra been so desperate to hush it up that Percival sent himself to Azkaban to cover for it, and the parents NEVER ONCE took Ariana to St. Mungo's to see a Healer?--well, there's Swythyv's theory that Ariana suffered from a hereditary disorder which her parents recognized for what it was when she maimed those three boys.)

I did, think, though, that it was accidental.

When I wrote an abusive!James fic, someone commented that s/he thought the foremost member of James's fan club was James himself. And that therefore his misbehavior would be restricted by his own need to support that self-image. He'd only do what he could excuse (to himself) as either a joke or justified.

I see Twinkles the same way, as wanting to believe himself benevolent and wise, as well as cleverer than anyone else. So I don't really see him doing things he has to admit are appalling.

Admit being the operative term. Remember the letter to Gellert--anything is justified, as long ("this, I think, is the crucial point" as it's "fOR THE GREATER GOOD."

Note what he says to Harry about his relationship with Gellert in the "train station": "Well, Grindelwald fled [after Ariana's murder], as anyone but I could have predicted. He vanished, with his plans for seizing power, and his schemes for torturing Muggles, and his dreams of the Deathly Hallows, dreams in which I had encouraged him and helped him."

Um. So, Albus, you were well aware that your great friend, the future scourge of Europe, "planned" to seize absolute power, and "schemed" to torture (not just rule over) Muggles, and "dreamed' of uniting the Hallows and becoming Master of Death. Only, according to you, the only part of this you actually participated in, the only part you encouraged and helped him with, was the "dreams of the Deathly Hallows"--and you feigned not to know what bieng "Master of Death" might mean.

See, that epitomizes Albus to me. I really think he lies to himself, at least as much as he lies to everyone else. I.e., nonstop.

A cheerful little sadist like Tom is healthy in comparison. Though terribly dangerous, of course

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

I don’t hate either J.K. Rowling or her books. I am convinced the Harry Potter series is very screwed up, technically (i.e., grammar and sentence structure), morally, and artistically.

I certainly don't hate J.K. Rowling, but I think I really do hate DH, or at least some of the ideas that it contains. I can dismiss the technically and artistically screwed up aspects as the result of inadequate effort on the part of its creator. If those were the only problems, I would have forgotten the books long ago. The "morally screwed up" part is another matter, however. DH praises some attitudes and types of behaviour that I find reprehensible, thus I continue to want to express my disgust.

So on with the sporking!

[malic-ba.livejournal.com]

This sounds great, really looking forward to reading it.
But mainly, just wanted to comment to let you know your hard work and suffering is appreciated :)

[sunnyskywalker]

Oh, I'm very much looking forward to this!

The "hallows" concept would have worked a lot better if it had been the Hogwarts Hallows or Founders' Hallows or Merlin's Hallows or something, if she absolutely had to use the idea. Things connected with the founding of Hogwarts and other ancient, known witches and wizards seem like the closest thing to (non-religious) "sacred/venerated objects" the wizarding world has. Ravenclaw's diadem and the rest could have been hallowed, or at least hallowed-ish. And, you know, not come completely out of nowhere.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

In va32H's excellent HP and the DH Redux, she uses the Hallows of Hogwarts. It's been several years since I read the story, so I don't remember how.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

Don't forget that "deathly" means resembling/suggesting/reminiscent of death, it doesn't make much sense in this context.

Also, what exactly was this meant to mean?

“Oh, the torment bred in the race,
the grinding scream of death
and the stroke that hits the vein,
the hemorrhage none can staunch, the grief,
the curse no man can bear.

But there is a cure in the house, and not outside it, no,
not from others but from them,
their bloody strife. We sing to you,
dark gods beneath the earth.

Now hear, you blissful powers underground --
answer the call, send help.
Bless the children, give them triumph now.”

I can't really see how it has relevance in the HP-verse, especially as there are no "dark gods beneath the earth" or "blissful powers underground".

[terri-testing.livejournal.com]

Swythyv says there are!