Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 7
Aug. 24th, 2013 09:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Harry wakes up super early to get to his hearing.]
Harry: and RON gets to sleep in peace! Life's not faaaaair!
[He heads to the kitchen to find his usual support team there and Mrs. Weasley making him breakfast.]
Tonks: If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep last night any better than you did.
Lupin: By the way, I've recently corresponded with a mysterious man named Scrimgeour. I wonder if he's going to turn out to be important.
Tonks: No, it couldn't be!
Mr. Weasley: So just so you're aware, Harry, the hearing will be held in Amelia Bones's room.
Harry: Who?
Tonks: A witch who is fair and totally not in the corrupt pockets of whoever sent the Dementors, so you'll have nothing to worry about from her, I promise.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, you simply must comb your hair so that you look presentable! [Attacks Harry with comb] Why is your hair not straightening out?
Harry: Must be my rebellious personality showing through.
Mrs. Weasley: You have a rebellious personality?
Harry: Sure, why not?
[Harry eats his breakfast and departs with Mr. Weasley]
Mr. Weasley: We'll be taking the Underground this time. You'll have to help me because remember, I know absolutely nothing whatsoever about muggles in any way shape or form.
Harry: Yet you're interested in their toys?
Mr. Weasley: That's just so I don't look as patronizing as I really am! ...Haven't you figured that out yet?
[They go to the train station...]
Mr. Weasley: Ooh—ticket-dispensing machines! This is so new and exciting!
Harry: You're not touching complicated machinery like that! We'll buy our tickets from the man behind the booth.
[They buy tickets and board the train, eventually getting off at an old telephone booth.]
Harry: So it's becoming “Doctor Who?” Where's Barty Crouch Jr. when you need him?
[Mr. Weasley picks up the telephone and dials a secret code, which activates the Ministry of Magic's intercom system.]
Mr. Weasley: So, I am here to bring Harry Potter to his hearing.
Intercom: Thank you. One moment, please.
Mr. Weasley: By the way, I have no idea how to use the telephone that's in here properly.
Harry: Well, if that's common, then why do they even have a telephone system?
[Eventually, the booth dispenses badges and drags them both underground]
Harry: I'm about to pee my pants!
[They touch ground at the Ministry, which opens up to reveal an immense golden hallway with a sky-blue ceiling inlaid with moving symbols]
Harry: Wow, this is so completely amazing I don't even know where to start!
Mr. Weasley: You may want to observe that fountain over there—it'll become a plot point.
Harry: What fountain?
[He looks to see a fountain containing golden statues of a witch, a wizard, and a bunch of magical beings, all seemingly happy that the wizard and witch are in charge.]
Harry: Well this place just got creepy.
Mr. Weasley: You're exposed to this viewpoint day and night in the wizarding world, and you're creeped out by a little fountain?
Harry: You were the one who said it was a plot point.
[They continue on their way until they come across a security wizard]
Security wizard: Your wand, please?
Harry: I...I don't make a point of whipping it out for just anyone....
Security wizard: You're in no position to argue. Give me your wand.
Harry: Very well.... [Reaches into his pants and pulls out his wand]
Security wizard: I see. [Takes wand and inspects it] So, you have had this wand for four years now, correct?
Harry: [Moans] That's...ahhhhh...c-correct, sir...ooh, that feels goooooooooood....
Security wizard: Very well—you have a nice wand, as wands go, with just the right girth for your hands.
Harry: Gee, thanks.... [Reclaims wand]
[Along the way to the hearing, Harry and Mr. Weasley pass a man carrying a fire-breathing chicken.]
Man with chicken: I'm pretty sure someone bred this chicken illegally.
Harry: You mean it's actually illegal to breed dangerous animals?
Mr. Weasley: Well...yes....
Harry: Then how come Ha—ah, I mean, that might be the most sensible wizard law I've seen yet!
Mr. Weasley: What was that?
Harry: [to self] Shit, how do I get out of telling him that my beloved Hagrid illegally bred dangerous animals? [to Mr. Weasley] Ah...it's nothing—I'm just nervous about the hearing is all!
[Harry and Mr. Weasley enter an elevator, where they're joined by several witches and wizards, and a bunch of flying paper airplanes.]
Harry: What are those paper airplanes doing here?
Mr. Weasley: They're memos. We used to use owls but they made messes all over the place so we had to switch to a new way of doing things.
Harry: Wow, I had no idea the wizarding world actually had the capacity for changing its ways!
[Eventually, they arrive at the auror's office, where they run into Kingsley.]
Kingsley: Oh, hello Mr. Weasley. Did you know that my department is officially on the hunt for Sirius Black? They think he might be on a flying motorcycle. Oh, and also thanks for the report on firelegs.
Mr. Weasley: You mean...firearms?
Harry: Unbelievable—Mr. Weasley actually knows the proper word for a muggle thing!
Kingsley: ...Ever feel outside of an inside joke?
[Harry follows Mr. Weasley to his office...]
Mr. Weasley: Here—take this magazine. It's called The Quibbler—aka, the Press of Plot Points.
Harry: Ooh—another plot point!
Mr. Weasley: Me, I have to file a report on regurgitating toilets. Remember kids—if your toilets overflow, it's because a wizard did it!
[Just then, Mr. Weasley's assistant, Perkins, enters!]
Perkins: Mr. Weasley, I've just dropped in to tell you that the Ministry has changed Harry Potter's hearing to right now in Courtroom Ten, just because they felt like being a bunch of douches. That won't be a problem for you, will it?
Mr. Weasley: Holy shit—Harry, we've got to get to Courtroom Ten right away!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! When ever will my hardships end?
[Mr. Weasley and Harry make a mad dash to the nearest elevator, which takes them to a much lower level, which is STILL a few levels above the courtroom and they have to go down a flight of stairs.]
Harry: Mr. Weasley, will you stay with me for emotional support?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, this is top secret stuff that you'll have to face all alone like the martyr you are. Good luck!
Harry: THIS IS SOOOO ANNOYIIIIIING!!!!
Harry: and RON gets to sleep in peace! Life's not faaaaair!
[He heads to the kitchen to find his usual support team there and Mrs. Weasley making him breakfast.]
Tonks: If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep last night any better than you did.
Lupin: By the way, I've recently corresponded with a mysterious man named Scrimgeour. I wonder if he's going to turn out to be important.
Tonks: No, it couldn't be!
Mr. Weasley: So just so you're aware, Harry, the hearing will be held in Amelia Bones's room.
Harry: Who?
Tonks: A witch who is fair and totally not in the corrupt pockets of whoever sent the Dementors, so you'll have nothing to worry about from her, I promise.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, you simply must comb your hair so that you look presentable! [Attacks Harry with comb] Why is your hair not straightening out?
Harry: Must be my rebellious personality showing through.
Mrs. Weasley: You have a rebellious personality?
Harry: Sure, why not?
[Harry eats his breakfast and departs with Mr. Weasley]
Mr. Weasley: We'll be taking the Underground this time. You'll have to help me because remember, I know absolutely nothing whatsoever about muggles in any way shape or form.
Harry: Yet you're interested in their toys?
Mr. Weasley: That's just so I don't look as patronizing as I really am! ...Haven't you figured that out yet?
[They go to the train station...]
Mr. Weasley: Ooh—ticket-dispensing machines! This is so new and exciting!
Harry: You're not touching complicated machinery like that! We'll buy our tickets from the man behind the booth.
[They buy tickets and board the train, eventually getting off at an old telephone booth.]
Harry: So it's becoming “Doctor Who?” Where's Barty Crouch Jr. when you need him?
[Mr. Weasley picks up the telephone and dials a secret code, which activates the Ministry of Magic's intercom system.]
Mr. Weasley: So, I am here to bring Harry Potter to his hearing.
Intercom: Thank you. One moment, please.
Mr. Weasley: By the way, I have no idea how to use the telephone that's in here properly.
Harry: Well, if that's common, then why do they even have a telephone system?
[Eventually, the booth dispenses badges and drags them both underground]
Harry: I'm about to pee my pants!
[They touch ground at the Ministry, which opens up to reveal an immense golden hallway with a sky-blue ceiling inlaid with moving symbols]
Harry: Wow, this is so completely amazing I don't even know where to start!
Mr. Weasley: You may want to observe that fountain over there—it'll become a plot point.
Harry: What fountain?
[He looks to see a fountain containing golden statues of a witch, a wizard, and a bunch of magical beings, all seemingly happy that the wizard and witch are in charge.]
Harry: Well this place just got creepy.
Mr. Weasley: You're exposed to this viewpoint day and night in the wizarding world, and you're creeped out by a little fountain?
Harry: You were the one who said it was a plot point.
[They continue on their way until they come across a security wizard]
Security wizard: Your wand, please?
Harry: I...I don't make a point of whipping it out for just anyone....
Security wizard: You're in no position to argue. Give me your wand.
Harry: Very well.... [Reaches into his pants and pulls out his wand]
Security wizard: I see. [Takes wand and inspects it] So, you have had this wand for four years now, correct?
Harry: [Moans] That's...ahhhhh...c-correct, sir...ooh, that feels goooooooooood....
Security wizard: Very well—you have a nice wand, as wands go, with just the right girth for your hands.
Harry: Gee, thanks.... [Reclaims wand]
[Along the way to the hearing, Harry and Mr. Weasley pass a man carrying a fire-breathing chicken.]
Man with chicken: I'm pretty sure someone bred this chicken illegally.
Harry: You mean it's actually illegal to breed dangerous animals?
Mr. Weasley: Well...yes....
Harry: Then how come Ha—ah, I mean, that might be the most sensible wizard law I've seen yet!
Mr. Weasley: What was that?
Harry: [to self] Shit, how do I get out of telling him that my beloved Hagrid illegally bred dangerous animals? [to Mr. Weasley] Ah...it's nothing—I'm just nervous about the hearing is all!
[Harry and Mr. Weasley enter an elevator, where they're joined by several witches and wizards, and a bunch of flying paper airplanes.]
Harry: What are those paper airplanes doing here?
Mr. Weasley: They're memos. We used to use owls but they made messes all over the place so we had to switch to a new way of doing things.
Harry: Wow, I had no idea the wizarding world actually had the capacity for changing its ways!
[Eventually, they arrive at the auror's office, where they run into Kingsley.]
Kingsley: Oh, hello Mr. Weasley. Did you know that my department is officially on the hunt for Sirius Black? They think he might be on a flying motorcycle. Oh, and also thanks for the report on firelegs.
Mr. Weasley: You mean...firearms?
Harry: Unbelievable—Mr. Weasley actually knows the proper word for a muggle thing!
Kingsley: ...Ever feel outside of an inside joke?
[Harry follows Mr. Weasley to his office...]
Mr. Weasley: Here—take this magazine. It's called The Quibbler—aka, the Press of Plot Points.
Harry: Ooh—another plot point!
Mr. Weasley: Me, I have to file a report on regurgitating toilets. Remember kids—if your toilets overflow, it's because a wizard did it!
[Just then, Mr. Weasley's assistant, Perkins, enters!]
Perkins: Mr. Weasley, I've just dropped in to tell you that the Ministry has changed Harry Potter's hearing to right now in Courtroom Ten, just because they felt like being a bunch of douches. That won't be a problem for you, will it?
Mr. Weasley: Holy shit—Harry, we've got to get to Courtroom Ten right away!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! When ever will my hardships end?
[Mr. Weasley and Harry make a mad dash to the nearest elevator, which takes them to a much lower level, which is STILL a few levels above the courtroom and they have to go down a flight of stairs.]
Harry: Mr. Weasley, will you stay with me for emotional support?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, this is top secret stuff that you'll have to face all alone like the martyr you are. Good luck!
Harry: THIS IS SOOOO ANNOYIIIIIING!!!!
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-02 02:21 am (UTC)Good thing he doesn't have a job that involves muggles - oh wait what was his job again?
no subject
Date: 2013-09-15 08:17 pm (UTC)The paper airplane memos are surprisingly modern, for wizards. Maybe in another thirty years they'll have set up magically linked quills at different locations so that you can write something on one end and have it appear on the other. Wizarding proto-fax machines!