Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 7
Aug. 24th, 2013 09:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Harry wakes up super early to get to his hearing.]
Harry: and RON gets to sleep in peace! Life's not faaaaair!
[He heads to the kitchen to find his usual support team there and Mrs. Weasley making him breakfast.]
Tonks: If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep last night any better than you did.
Lupin: By the way, I've recently corresponded with a mysterious man named Scrimgeour. I wonder if he's going to turn out to be important.
Tonks: No, it couldn't be!
Mr. Weasley: So just so you're aware, Harry, the hearing will be held in Amelia Bones's room.
Harry: Who?
Tonks: A witch who is fair and totally not in the corrupt pockets of whoever sent the Dementors, so you'll have nothing to worry about from her, I promise.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, you simply must comb your hair so that you look presentable! [Attacks Harry with comb] Why is your hair not straightening out?
Harry: Must be my rebellious personality showing through.
Mrs. Weasley: You have a rebellious personality?
Harry: Sure, why not?
[Harry eats his breakfast and departs with Mr. Weasley]
Mr. Weasley: We'll be taking the Underground this time. You'll have to help me because remember, I know absolutely nothing whatsoever about muggles in any way shape or form.
Harry: Yet you're interested in their toys?
Mr. Weasley: That's just so I don't look as patronizing as I really am! ...Haven't you figured that out yet?
[They go to the train station...]
Mr. Weasley: Ooh—ticket-dispensing machines! This is so new and exciting!
Harry: You're not touching complicated machinery like that! We'll buy our tickets from the man behind the booth.
[They buy tickets and board the train, eventually getting off at an old telephone booth.]
Harry: So it's becoming “Doctor Who?” Where's Barty Crouch Jr. when you need him?
[Mr. Weasley picks up the telephone and dials a secret code, which activates the Ministry of Magic's intercom system.]
Mr. Weasley: So, I am here to bring Harry Potter to his hearing.
Intercom: Thank you. One moment, please.
Mr. Weasley: By the way, I have no idea how to use the telephone that's in here properly.
Harry: Well, if that's common, then why do they even have a telephone system?
[Eventually, the booth dispenses badges and drags them both underground]
Harry: I'm about to pee my pants!
[They touch ground at the Ministry, which opens up to reveal an immense golden hallway with a sky-blue ceiling inlaid with moving symbols]
Harry: Wow, this is so completely amazing I don't even know where to start!
Mr. Weasley: You may want to observe that fountain over there—it'll become a plot point.
Harry: What fountain?
[He looks to see a fountain containing golden statues of a witch, a wizard, and a bunch of magical beings, all seemingly happy that the wizard and witch are in charge.]
Harry: Well this place just got creepy.
Mr. Weasley: You're exposed to this viewpoint day and night in the wizarding world, and you're creeped out by a little fountain?
Harry: You were the one who said it was a plot point.
[They continue on their way until they come across a security wizard]
Security wizard: Your wand, please?
Harry: I...I don't make a point of whipping it out for just anyone....
Security wizard: You're in no position to argue. Give me your wand.
Harry: Very well.... [Reaches into his pants and pulls out his wand]
Security wizard: I see. [Takes wand and inspects it] So, you have had this wand for four years now, correct?
Harry: [Moans] That's...ahhhhh...c-correct, sir...ooh, that feels goooooooooood....
Security wizard: Very well—you have a nice wand, as wands go, with just the right girth for your hands.
Harry: Gee, thanks.... [Reclaims wand]
[Along the way to the hearing, Harry and Mr. Weasley pass a man carrying a fire-breathing chicken.]
Man with chicken: I'm pretty sure someone bred this chicken illegally.
Harry: You mean it's actually illegal to breed dangerous animals?
Mr. Weasley: Well...yes....
Harry: Then how come Ha—ah, I mean, that might be the most sensible wizard law I've seen yet!
Mr. Weasley: What was that?
Harry: [to self] Shit, how do I get out of telling him that my beloved Hagrid illegally bred dangerous animals? [to Mr. Weasley] Ah...it's nothing—I'm just nervous about the hearing is all!
[Harry and Mr. Weasley enter an elevator, where they're joined by several witches and wizards, and a bunch of flying paper airplanes.]
Harry: What are those paper airplanes doing here?
Mr. Weasley: They're memos. We used to use owls but they made messes all over the place so we had to switch to a new way of doing things.
Harry: Wow, I had no idea the wizarding world actually had the capacity for changing its ways!
[Eventually, they arrive at the auror's office, where they run into Kingsley.]
Kingsley: Oh, hello Mr. Weasley. Did you know that my department is officially on the hunt for Sirius Black? They think he might be on a flying motorcycle. Oh, and also thanks for the report on firelegs.
Mr. Weasley: You mean...firearms?
Harry: Unbelievable—Mr. Weasley actually knows the proper word for a muggle thing!
Kingsley: ...Ever feel outside of an inside joke?
[Harry follows Mr. Weasley to his office...]
Mr. Weasley: Here—take this magazine. It's called The Quibbler—aka, the Press of Plot Points.
Harry: Ooh—another plot point!
Mr. Weasley: Me, I have to file a report on regurgitating toilets. Remember kids—if your toilets overflow, it's because a wizard did it!
[Just then, Mr. Weasley's assistant, Perkins, enters!]
Perkins: Mr. Weasley, I've just dropped in to tell you that the Ministry has changed Harry Potter's hearing to right now in Courtroom Ten, just because they felt like being a bunch of douches. That won't be a problem for you, will it?
Mr. Weasley: Holy shit—Harry, we've got to get to Courtroom Ten right away!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! When ever will my hardships end?
[Mr. Weasley and Harry make a mad dash to the nearest elevator, which takes them to a much lower level, which is STILL a few levels above the courtroom and they have to go down a flight of stairs.]
Harry: Mr. Weasley, will you stay with me for emotional support?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, this is top secret stuff that you'll have to face all alone like the martyr you are. Good luck!
Harry: THIS IS SOOOO ANNOYIIIIIING!!!!
Harry: and RON gets to sleep in peace! Life's not faaaaair!
[He heads to the kitchen to find his usual support team there and Mrs. Weasley making him breakfast.]
Tonks: If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep last night any better than you did.
Lupin: By the way, I've recently corresponded with a mysterious man named Scrimgeour. I wonder if he's going to turn out to be important.
Tonks: No, it couldn't be!
Mr. Weasley: So just so you're aware, Harry, the hearing will be held in Amelia Bones's room.
Harry: Who?
Tonks: A witch who is fair and totally not in the corrupt pockets of whoever sent the Dementors, so you'll have nothing to worry about from her, I promise.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, you simply must comb your hair so that you look presentable! [Attacks Harry with comb] Why is your hair not straightening out?
Harry: Must be my rebellious personality showing through.
Mrs. Weasley: You have a rebellious personality?
Harry: Sure, why not?
[Harry eats his breakfast and departs with Mr. Weasley]
Mr. Weasley: We'll be taking the Underground this time. You'll have to help me because remember, I know absolutely nothing whatsoever about muggles in any way shape or form.
Harry: Yet you're interested in their toys?
Mr. Weasley: That's just so I don't look as patronizing as I really am! ...Haven't you figured that out yet?
[They go to the train station...]
Mr. Weasley: Ooh—ticket-dispensing machines! This is so new and exciting!
Harry: You're not touching complicated machinery like that! We'll buy our tickets from the man behind the booth.
[They buy tickets and board the train, eventually getting off at an old telephone booth.]
Harry: So it's becoming “Doctor Who?” Where's Barty Crouch Jr. when you need him?
[Mr. Weasley picks up the telephone and dials a secret code, which activates the Ministry of Magic's intercom system.]
Mr. Weasley: So, I am here to bring Harry Potter to his hearing.
Intercom: Thank you. One moment, please.
Mr. Weasley: By the way, I have no idea how to use the telephone that's in here properly.
Harry: Well, if that's common, then why do they even have a telephone system?
[Eventually, the booth dispenses badges and drags them both underground]
Harry: I'm about to pee my pants!
[They touch ground at the Ministry, which opens up to reveal an immense golden hallway with a sky-blue ceiling inlaid with moving symbols]
Harry: Wow, this is so completely amazing I don't even know where to start!
Mr. Weasley: You may want to observe that fountain over there—it'll become a plot point.
Harry: What fountain?
[He looks to see a fountain containing golden statues of a witch, a wizard, and a bunch of magical beings, all seemingly happy that the wizard and witch are in charge.]
Harry: Well this place just got creepy.
Mr. Weasley: You're exposed to this viewpoint day and night in the wizarding world, and you're creeped out by a little fountain?
Harry: You were the one who said it was a plot point.
[They continue on their way until they come across a security wizard]
Security wizard: Your wand, please?
Harry: I...I don't make a point of whipping it out for just anyone....
Security wizard: You're in no position to argue. Give me your wand.
Harry: Very well.... [Reaches into his pants and pulls out his wand]
Security wizard: I see. [Takes wand and inspects it] So, you have had this wand for four years now, correct?
Harry: [Moans] That's...ahhhhh...c-correct, sir...ooh, that feels goooooooooood....
Security wizard: Very well—you have a nice wand, as wands go, with just the right girth for your hands.
Harry: Gee, thanks.... [Reclaims wand]
[Along the way to the hearing, Harry and Mr. Weasley pass a man carrying a fire-breathing chicken.]
Man with chicken: I'm pretty sure someone bred this chicken illegally.
Harry: You mean it's actually illegal to breed dangerous animals?
Mr. Weasley: Well...yes....
Harry: Then how come Ha—ah, I mean, that might be the most sensible wizard law I've seen yet!
Mr. Weasley: What was that?
Harry: [to self] Shit, how do I get out of telling him that my beloved Hagrid illegally bred dangerous animals? [to Mr. Weasley] Ah...it's nothing—I'm just nervous about the hearing is all!
[Harry and Mr. Weasley enter an elevator, where they're joined by several witches and wizards, and a bunch of flying paper airplanes.]
Harry: What are those paper airplanes doing here?
Mr. Weasley: They're memos. We used to use owls but they made messes all over the place so we had to switch to a new way of doing things.
Harry: Wow, I had no idea the wizarding world actually had the capacity for changing its ways!
[Eventually, they arrive at the auror's office, where they run into Kingsley.]
Kingsley: Oh, hello Mr. Weasley. Did you know that my department is officially on the hunt for Sirius Black? They think he might be on a flying motorcycle. Oh, and also thanks for the report on firelegs.
Mr. Weasley: You mean...firearms?
Harry: Unbelievable—Mr. Weasley actually knows the proper word for a muggle thing!
Kingsley: ...Ever feel outside of an inside joke?
[Harry follows Mr. Weasley to his office...]
Mr. Weasley: Here—take this magazine. It's called The Quibbler—aka, the Press of Plot Points.
Harry: Ooh—another plot point!
Mr. Weasley: Me, I have to file a report on regurgitating toilets. Remember kids—if your toilets overflow, it's because a wizard did it!
[Just then, Mr. Weasley's assistant, Perkins, enters!]
Perkins: Mr. Weasley, I've just dropped in to tell you that the Ministry has changed Harry Potter's hearing to right now in Courtroom Ten, just because they felt like being a bunch of douches. That won't be a problem for you, will it?
Mr. Weasley: Holy shit—Harry, we've got to get to Courtroom Ten right away!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! When ever will my hardships end?
[Mr. Weasley and Harry make a mad dash to the nearest elevator, which takes them to a much lower level, which is STILL a few levels above the courtroom and they have to go down a flight of stairs.]
Harry: Mr. Weasley, will you stay with me for emotional support?
Mr. Weasley: Nope, this is top secret stuff that you'll have to face all alone like the martyr you are. Good luck!
Harry: THIS IS SOOOO ANNOYIIIIIING!!!!
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Date: 2013-09-02 02:21 am (UTC)Good thing he doesn't have a job that involves muggles - oh wait what was his job again?