Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 21
Nov. 20th, 2014 06:26 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Hermione tries to trek through the snow to visit Hagrid again, but comes back disappointed]
Hermione: I’ve tried to tell him that his lesson plans are stupid and will make him look bad, but he won’t listen to me!
Ron: Well, since when has he ever listened to any of us?
[Hagrid shows up in the Great Hall at breakfast the next day]
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think the other students who view Hagrid with suspicion are right about him.
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures to see that Hagrid has a dead cow, and looks no less beat up than before.]
Hagrid: Today we’re going to be in the Forbidden Forest.
Draco: Are you trying to kill us again?!
Hagrid: This time you won’t be in any danger of getting killed.
Draco: You expect us to believe that?! How did you get so badly injured?!
Hagrid: I don’t have to tell you that, because you are not a main character.
Draco: Damn you! You’ll pay for this in the next book when I get to keep secrets from all of you!
[They go into the forest, where Hagrid drops off the carcass. Some skeletal winged horses descend and start eating it.]
Harry: W-what are those?!
Ron: What are what?
Harry: Those creepy horses!
Ron: Horses?
Hagrid: Alright, who can see the horses?
[Three people raise their hands, including Harry and Neville]
Draco: Horses?! There’s nothing there at all!
Parvati: Yes there is! Look! It’s eating the cow!
Hagrid: These are called Thestrals.
Parvati: Aren’t Thestrals supposed to be unlucky?
Hagrid: No, they’re not unlucky—they’re actually useful beasts of burden if you happen to be fortunate enough to be a main character or as awesome as Dumbledore.
Parvati: Like, how comforting….
Hermione: Hagrid, is it true that the only people who can see Thestrals are those who have seen death?
Hagrid: That’s very true.
Umbridge: Hello, everybody!
Hagrid: Oh, no—it’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! So…what exactly are you doing today?
Hagrid: We’re studying Thestrals!
Umbridge: Uh-huh. You’re half-giant, aren’t you? Did I mention I’m racist against part-humans?
Hagrid: Oh, you…. Ahem, anyway, Hogwarts is really lucky to have a herd of Thestrals living here—
Umbridge: Aren’t Thestrals a little dangerous to be used in a lesson?
Draco: My savior!
Umbridge: Oh, shut up you brat!
Hagrid: Well, I daresay they’re no more dangerous than the other things these kids face on a regular basis!
Umbridge: You mean like me?—I mean, don’t you think that just makes the school look bad?
Hagrid: The politics of this school don’t concern me. I’m too stupid to understand them in any case.
Umbridge: Yet you’re a teacher here?
Hagrid: Oh, never mind! I can see I can’t win with you!
Hermione: Hagrid, don’t encourage her….
Hagrid: Whatever, can we just get back to the Thestrals? Anyway, as I was saying, Thestrals have such amazing senses of direction that they can take you literally anywhere in the world on a whim. I can think of no way this might become a plot point!
Umbridge: So, Pansy Parkinson, what do you think of Hagrid?
Pansy: I think he’s a horrible teacher, and really stupid too. You know, because he’s half-giant and stuff.
Umbridge: You have a trustworthy face; therefore I believe you unquestioningly.
Pansy: Wow, you really think so?!
Umbridge: Well, you told me what I want to hear, anyway. [walks over to Neville] Navel, can you see those Thestrals?
Neville: Yes, I can. But my name isn’t Navel, thanks, it’s Neville.
Umbridge: That means someone you knew died, right? Who was it?
Neville: It was my grandfather—wait, how is that any of your business?!
Umbridge: It’s my job to get into everyone’s business, thank you very much. Are you scared of the horses?
Neville: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?
Umbridge: Maybe, if I feel like it.
Neville: Aargh! I can’t win with her!
Umbridge: What a rude teacher, and a rude bunch of students! Well, no matter, I have what I need now. Time for me to depart. [Leaves]
[After the lesson…]
Hermione: Umbridge is a horrible person! How dare she pick on Hagrid over the Thestrals! Thestrals are cool—they’re not like last year’s Blast-ended Skrewts!
Ron: Don’t you think it’s a little gruesome that three people in that class could see them, though?
Hermione: I suppose so. I doubt this’ll come up again, though.
Ron: I wouldn’t count on it. Like Hagrid said, these horses seem like they’d make excellent plot devices.
[The holidays approach…]
Harry: And everyone else is going to spend a great time with their families but I have to be stuck at school all alone with Umbridge and no Quidditch! Why is my life so miserable?!
Ron: Harry, did you want to come to my house for the holidays?
Harry: Yay! I feel better now!
[On the last DA meeting before the holidays, Dobby decorates the Room of Requirement with ornaments that all bear tribute to Harry!]
Harry: Well Dobby just got…even creepier than he was before!
Luna: Oh, look at this décor. I may copy it for my own bedroom.
Harry: You wouldn’t.
Luna: Oh yes I would. Don’t you know that all hipsters are creepers inside?
Kate: By the way, Harry, we’ve replaced you as Seeker.
Harry: Replace me, the great Harry Potter?! But with who?!
Kate: Jenny Weasley, of course.
Harry: Ginny has been made Seeker?!
Angelina: Yes, and she’s actually not bad at it. Though she’s not quite as good as you, seeing as you’re the main character and all.
[When everyone else arrives, they all practice jinxes and spells…]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re really improving!
Neville: Thanks, but my name isn’t Navel.
[When everyone else is ready to leave, Cho hangs back]
Cho: If only my Cedric had been able to learn all these things—he’d still be alive. [Sobs]
Harry: Don’t worry—it’s not his fault this school can’t teach defense to save its life.
Cho: Yes, but…you’re actually a really good teacher, you know that?
Harry: Aww, you don’t say?
Cho: Yes. If things had turned out differently, well, I might actually have been willing to date you.
Harry: What do you mean, if things had turned out differently?
Cho: Well…you’re destined to marry a major character, like that Jenny Weasley. I can’t compete with that—I’m just a side character.
Harry: Maybe you’ll turn out to be a main character?
Cho: Oh, I wish. I’m not even a Gryffindor. I’m practically chattel. [Cries]
Harry: There, there. Luna Lovegood’s on a fast track to being a main character, and she’s a Ravenclaw just like you.
Cho: No, this could never work. I…I have to go. [Kisses Harry and leaves]
[Harry returns to the common room…]
Hermione: What took you so long? Are you really that enamored of Cho Chang?
Harry: How did you know?
Ron: Did you kiss her?
Harry: Guilty as charged.
Ron: Oh, wow. In these books, that’s practically losing your virginity.
Hermione: I’m surprised. You’d think Cho would be too miserable to kiss anyone.
Ron: Miserable?
Hermione: Over Cedric’s death, remember? And if she does like Harry too, well, that’s even worse.
Ron: Wow, feelings are so complicated.
Hermione: It could be that she’s hoping to become a main character through hooking up with Harry.
Ron: Why do I get an awful sense of foreboding?
Harry: Hey! Only I’m allowed to have those!
Hermione: Maybe you should go on a date with Cho in Hogsmeade or something?
Harry: …I’ll work on it.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, who are you writing that letter to? You’ve been working on it for ages.
Hermione: Viktor Krum, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me…. [Leaves]
Ron: Well, if she can date a foreign guy who only appeared in one other book so far, I guess you’re free to date Cho Chang.
[That night, Harry has a strange dream, that he’s a snake, biting a man]
Harry: Oh, no! My precognition is telling me that Arthur Weasley is in trouble! I must tell Ron!
Neville: Oh, no—I’ll go get Professor McGonagall right away!
Ron: Harry, you just had a bad dream.
Harry: It wasn’t a dream—your father’s been attacked!
Ron: What?
McGonagall: What’s going on here?
Ron: Professor, Professor! Harry says he had a dream my father was attacked!
McGonagall: Oh, dear. We must see Dumbledore.
Hermione: I’ve tried to tell him that his lesson plans are stupid and will make him look bad, but he won’t listen to me!
Ron: Well, since when has he ever listened to any of us?
[Hagrid shows up in the Great Hall at breakfast the next day]
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think the other students who view Hagrid with suspicion are right about him.
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures to see that Hagrid has a dead cow, and looks no less beat up than before.]
Hagrid: Today we’re going to be in the Forbidden Forest.
Draco: Are you trying to kill us again?!
Hagrid: This time you won’t be in any danger of getting killed.
Draco: You expect us to believe that?! How did you get so badly injured?!
Hagrid: I don’t have to tell you that, because you are not a main character.
Draco: Damn you! You’ll pay for this in the next book when I get to keep secrets from all of you!
[They go into the forest, where Hagrid drops off the carcass. Some skeletal winged horses descend and start eating it.]
Harry: W-what are those?!
Ron: What are what?
Harry: Those creepy horses!
Ron: Horses?
Hagrid: Alright, who can see the horses?
[Three people raise their hands, including Harry and Neville]
Draco: Horses?! There’s nothing there at all!
Parvati: Yes there is! Look! It’s eating the cow!
Hagrid: These are called Thestrals.
Parvati: Aren’t Thestrals supposed to be unlucky?
Hagrid: No, they’re not unlucky—they’re actually useful beasts of burden if you happen to be fortunate enough to be a main character or as awesome as Dumbledore.
Parvati: Like, how comforting….
Hermione: Hagrid, is it true that the only people who can see Thestrals are those who have seen death?
Hagrid: That’s very true.
Umbridge: Hello, everybody!
Hagrid: Oh, no—it’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! So…what exactly are you doing today?
Hagrid: We’re studying Thestrals!
Umbridge: Uh-huh. You’re half-giant, aren’t you? Did I mention I’m racist against part-humans?
Hagrid: Oh, you…. Ahem, anyway, Hogwarts is really lucky to have a herd of Thestrals living here—
Umbridge: Aren’t Thestrals a little dangerous to be used in a lesson?
Draco: My savior!
Umbridge: Oh, shut up you brat!
Hagrid: Well, I daresay they’re no more dangerous than the other things these kids face on a regular basis!
Umbridge: You mean like me?—I mean, don’t you think that just makes the school look bad?
Hagrid: The politics of this school don’t concern me. I’m too stupid to understand them in any case.
Umbridge: Yet you’re a teacher here?
Hagrid: Oh, never mind! I can see I can’t win with you!
Hermione: Hagrid, don’t encourage her….
Hagrid: Whatever, can we just get back to the Thestrals? Anyway, as I was saying, Thestrals have such amazing senses of direction that they can take you literally anywhere in the world on a whim. I can think of no way this might become a plot point!
Umbridge: So, Pansy Parkinson, what do you think of Hagrid?
Pansy: I think he’s a horrible teacher, and really stupid too. You know, because he’s half-giant and stuff.
Umbridge: You have a trustworthy face; therefore I believe you unquestioningly.
Pansy: Wow, you really think so?!
Umbridge: Well, you told me what I want to hear, anyway. [walks over to Neville] Navel, can you see those Thestrals?
Neville: Yes, I can. But my name isn’t Navel, thanks, it’s Neville.
Umbridge: That means someone you knew died, right? Who was it?
Neville: It was my grandfather—wait, how is that any of your business?!
Umbridge: It’s my job to get into everyone’s business, thank you very much. Are you scared of the horses?
Neville: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?
Umbridge: Maybe, if I feel like it.
Neville: Aargh! I can’t win with her!
Umbridge: What a rude teacher, and a rude bunch of students! Well, no matter, I have what I need now. Time for me to depart. [Leaves]
[After the lesson…]
Hermione: Umbridge is a horrible person! How dare she pick on Hagrid over the Thestrals! Thestrals are cool—they’re not like last year’s Blast-ended Skrewts!
Ron: Don’t you think it’s a little gruesome that three people in that class could see them, though?
Hermione: I suppose so. I doubt this’ll come up again, though.
Ron: I wouldn’t count on it. Like Hagrid said, these horses seem like they’d make excellent plot devices.
[The holidays approach…]
Harry: And everyone else is going to spend a great time with their families but I have to be stuck at school all alone with Umbridge and no Quidditch! Why is my life so miserable?!
Ron: Harry, did you want to come to my house for the holidays?
Harry: Yay! I feel better now!
[On the last DA meeting before the holidays, Dobby decorates the Room of Requirement with ornaments that all bear tribute to Harry!]
Harry: Well Dobby just got…even creepier than he was before!
Luna: Oh, look at this décor. I may copy it for my own bedroom.
Harry: You wouldn’t.
Luna: Oh yes I would. Don’t you know that all hipsters are creepers inside?
Kate: By the way, Harry, we’ve replaced you as Seeker.
Harry: Replace me, the great Harry Potter?! But with who?!
Kate: Jenny Weasley, of course.
Harry: Ginny has been made Seeker?!
Angelina: Yes, and she’s actually not bad at it. Though she’s not quite as good as you, seeing as you’re the main character and all.
[When everyone else arrives, they all practice jinxes and spells…]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re really improving!
Neville: Thanks, but my name isn’t Navel.
[When everyone else is ready to leave, Cho hangs back]
Cho: If only my Cedric had been able to learn all these things—he’d still be alive. [Sobs]
Harry: Don’t worry—it’s not his fault this school can’t teach defense to save its life.
Cho: Yes, but…you’re actually a really good teacher, you know that?
Harry: Aww, you don’t say?
Cho: Yes. If things had turned out differently, well, I might actually have been willing to date you.
Harry: What do you mean, if things had turned out differently?
Cho: Well…you’re destined to marry a major character, like that Jenny Weasley. I can’t compete with that—I’m just a side character.
Harry: Maybe you’ll turn out to be a main character?
Cho: Oh, I wish. I’m not even a Gryffindor. I’m practically chattel. [Cries]
Harry: There, there. Luna Lovegood’s on a fast track to being a main character, and she’s a Ravenclaw just like you.
Cho: No, this could never work. I…I have to go. [Kisses Harry and leaves]
[Harry returns to the common room…]
Hermione: What took you so long? Are you really that enamored of Cho Chang?
Harry: How did you know?
Ron: Did you kiss her?
Harry: Guilty as charged.
Ron: Oh, wow. In these books, that’s practically losing your virginity.
Hermione: I’m surprised. You’d think Cho would be too miserable to kiss anyone.
Ron: Miserable?
Hermione: Over Cedric’s death, remember? And if she does like Harry too, well, that’s even worse.
Ron: Wow, feelings are so complicated.
Hermione: It could be that she’s hoping to become a main character through hooking up with Harry.
Ron: Why do I get an awful sense of foreboding?
Harry: Hey! Only I’m allowed to have those!
Hermione: Maybe you should go on a date with Cho in Hogsmeade or something?
Harry: …I’ll work on it.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, who are you writing that letter to? You’ve been working on it for ages.
Hermione: Viktor Krum, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me…. [Leaves]
Ron: Well, if she can date a foreign guy who only appeared in one other book so far, I guess you’re free to date Cho Chang.
[That night, Harry has a strange dream, that he’s a snake, biting a man]
Harry: Oh, no! My precognition is telling me that Arthur Weasley is in trouble! I must tell Ron!
Neville: Oh, no—I’ll go get Professor McGonagall right away!
Ron: Harry, you just had a bad dream.
Harry: It wasn’t a dream—your father’s been attacked!
Ron: What?
McGonagall: What’s going on here?
Ron: Professor, Professor! Harry says he had a dream my father was attacked!
McGonagall: Oh, dear. We must see Dumbledore.
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no subject
Date: 2014-11-23 07:25 pm (UTC)I had thought this would be the the transition book after I read it. That all his anger, leading the DA, losing Sirus would move him to step up and take responsibility.
I thought the next 2 books would be Harry growing up, taking charge. Instead of child Harry we would now get a young man.
HBP was a big step backwards, instead of building on the DA Harry just drops it. Instead of relying on himself he goes back to trusting DD to make all the decisions.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-23 08:33 pm (UTC)Now, if JKR had taken it in the direction of Harry feeling like his leadership had been a bad thing, taking his followers into danger because his judgment was faulty, and so he disbanded the DA because he didn't trust himself, that would have made sense. Or some other emotional reason. But that wasn't his motivation that I saw. He just snipped that subplot in a businesslike manner so JKR wouldn't have to deal with potential complications and so there would be more time for chest monsters.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-25 07:11 am (UTC)HARRY: Not really, now that Umbridge's gone.
Me: WTF?! Now he's retconning his own decisions? He started DA because Voldemort's out there and they have to learn basic self-protection skills. Passing their DADA exams and pissing the Ministrybehind its back were mere bonuses.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-25 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-11-25 10:27 pm (UTC)Imagine Luna saying, "You're right, of course, Harry. Professor Snape is so knowledgable and experienced that we don't need the D.A. There's nothing you could teach us that he couldn't do so much better. And he always makes sure everyone learns, no matter how lazy they are. But I'll miss it anyway. It was almost like having friends."
Harry would have re-established his study group that very day.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-27 01:37 am (UTC)I think we only hear about DADA that year for Snape's opening speech and the time he and Harry disagree somehow over the best way to counter Dementors. If Harry thought Snape was doing a poor job, I'm sure we would never have heard the end of it. So I can only assume that, furious he has nothing to complain about, Harry resolutely blocked the subject of Snape's DADA teaching skills from his mind and thus the narrative ;-)
no subject
Date: 2014-11-27 01:50 am (UTC)I love that flatter Snape and DA is back so fast your head spins.