Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 21
Nov. 20th, 2014 06:26 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Hermione tries to trek through the snow to visit Hagrid again, but comes back disappointed]
Hermione: I’ve tried to tell him that his lesson plans are stupid and will make him look bad, but he won’t listen to me!
Ron: Well, since when has he ever listened to any of us?
[Hagrid shows up in the Great Hall at breakfast the next day]
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think the other students who view Hagrid with suspicion are right about him.
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures to see that Hagrid has a dead cow, and looks no less beat up than before.]
Hagrid: Today we’re going to be in the Forbidden Forest.
Draco: Are you trying to kill us again?!
Hagrid: This time you won’t be in any danger of getting killed.
Draco: You expect us to believe that?! How did you get so badly injured?!
Hagrid: I don’t have to tell you that, because you are not a main character.
Draco: Damn you! You’ll pay for this in the next book when I get to keep secrets from all of you!
[They go into the forest, where Hagrid drops off the carcass. Some skeletal winged horses descend and start eating it.]
Harry: W-what are those?!
Ron: What are what?
Harry: Those creepy horses!
Ron: Horses?
Hagrid: Alright, who can see the horses?
[Three people raise their hands, including Harry and Neville]
Draco: Horses?! There’s nothing there at all!
Parvati: Yes there is! Look! It’s eating the cow!
Hagrid: These are called Thestrals.
Parvati: Aren’t Thestrals supposed to be unlucky?
Hagrid: No, they’re not unlucky—they’re actually useful beasts of burden if you happen to be fortunate enough to be a main character or as awesome as Dumbledore.
Parvati: Like, how comforting….
Hermione: Hagrid, is it true that the only people who can see Thestrals are those who have seen death?
Hagrid: That’s very true.
Umbridge: Hello, everybody!
Hagrid: Oh, no—it’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! So…what exactly are you doing today?
Hagrid: We’re studying Thestrals!
Umbridge: Uh-huh. You’re half-giant, aren’t you? Did I mention I’m racist against part-humans?
Hagrid: Oh, you…. Ahem, anyway, Hogwarts is really lucky to have a herd of Thestrals living here—
Umbridge: Aren’t Thestrals a little dangerous to be used in a lesson?
Draco: My savior!
Umbridge: Oh, shut up you brat!
Hagrid: Well, I daresay they’re no more dangerous than the other things these kids face on a regular basis!
Umbridge: You mean like me?—I mean, don’t you think that just makes the school look bad?
Hagrid: The politics of this school don’t concern me. I’m too stupid to understand them in any case.
Umbridge: Yet you’re a teacher here?
Hagrid: Oh, never mind! I can see I can’t win with you!
Hermione: Hagrid, don’t encourage her….
Hagrid: Whatever, can we just get back to the Thestrals? Anyway, as I was saying, Thestrals have such amazing senses of direction that they can take you literally anywhere in the world on a whim. I can think of no way this might become a plot point!
Umbridge: So, Pansy Parkinson, what do you think of Hagrid?
Pansy: I think he’s a horrible teacher, and really stupid too. You know, because he’s half-giant and stuff.
Umbridge: You have a trustworthy face; therefore I believe you unquestioningly.
Pansy: Wow, you really think so?!
Umbridge: Well, you told me what I want to hear, anyway. [walks over to Neville] Navel, can you see those Thestrals?
Neville: Yes, I can. But my name isn’t Navel, thanks, it’s Neville.
Umbridge: That means someone you knew died, right? Who was it?
Neville: It was my grandfather—wait, how is that any of your business?!
Umbridge: It’s my job to get into everyone’s business, thank you very much. Are you scared of the horses?
Neville: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?
Umbridge: Maybe, if I feel like it.
Neville: Aargh! I can’t win with her!
Umbridge: What a rude teacher, and a rude bunch of students! Well, no matter, I have what I need now. Time for me to depart. [Leaves]
[After the lesson…]
Hermione: Umbridge is a horrible person! How dare she pick on Hagrid over the Thestrals! Thestrals are cool—they’re not like last year’s Blast-ended Skrewts!
Ron: Don’t you think it’s a little gruesome that three people in that class could see them, though?
Hermione: I suppose so. I doubt this’ll come up again, though.
Ron: I wouldn’t count on it. Like Hagrid said, these horses seem like they’d make excellent plot devices.
[The holidays approach…]
Harry: And everyone else is going to spend a great time with their families but I have to be stuck at school all alone with Umbridge and no Quidditch! Why is my life so miserable?!
Ron: Harry, did you want to come to my house for the holidays?
Harry: Yay! I feel better now!
[On the last DA meeting before the holidays, Dobby decorates the Room of Requirement with ornaments that all bear tribute to Harry!]
Harry: Well Dobby just got…even creepier than he was before!
Luna: Oh, look at this décor. I may copy it for my own bedroom.
Harry: You wouldn’t.
Luna: Oh yes I would. Don’t you know that all hipsters are creepers inside?
Kate: By the way, Harry, we’ve replaced you as Seeker.
Harry: Replace me, the great Harry Potter?! But with who?!
Kate: Jenny Weasley, of course.
Harry: Ginny has been made Seeker?!
Angelina: Yes, and she’s actually not bad at it. Though she’s not quite as good as you, seeing as you’re the main character and all.
[When everyone else arrives, they all practice jinxes and spells…]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re really improving!
Neville: Thanks, but my name isn’t Navel.
[When everyone else is ready to leave, Cho hangs back]
Cho: If only my Cedric had been able to learn all these things—he’d still be alive. [Sobs]
Harry: Don’t worry—it’s not his fault this school can’t teach defense to save its life.
Cho: Yes, but…you’re actually a really good teacher, you know that?
Harry: Aww, you don’t say?
Cho: Yes. If things had turned out differently, well, I might actually have been willing to date you.
Harry: What do you mean, if things had turned out differently?
Cho: Well…you’re destined to marry a major character, like that Jenny Weasley. I can’t compete with that—I’m just a side character.
Harry: Maybe you’ll turn out to be a main character?
Cho: Oh, I wish. I’m not even a Gryffindor. I’m practically chattel. [Cries]
Harry: There, there. Luna Lovegood’s on a fast track to being a main character, and she’s a Ravenclaw just like you.
Cho: No, this could never work. I…I have to go. [Kisses Harry and leaves]
[Harry returns to the common room…]
Hermione: What took you so long? Are you really that enamored of Cho Chang?
Harry: How did you know?
Ron: Did you kiss her?
Harry: Guilty as charged.
Ron: Oh, wow. In these books, that’s practically losing your virginity.
Hermione: I’m surprised. You’d think Cho would be too miserable to kiss anyone.
Ron: Miserable?
Hermione: Over Cedric’s death, remember? And if she does like Harry too, well, that’s even worse.
Ron: Wow, feelings are so complicated.
Hermione: It could be that she’s hoping to become a main character through hooking up with Harry.
Ron: Why do I get an awful sense of foreboding?
Harry: Hey! Only I’m allowed to have those!
Hermione: Maybe you should go on a date with Cho in Hogsmeade or something?
Harry: …I’ll work on it.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, who are you writing that letter to? You’ve been working on it for ages.
Hermione: Viktor Krum, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me…. [Leaves]
Ron: Well, if she can date a foreign guy who only appeared in one other book so far, I guess you’re free to date Cho Chang.
[That night, Harry has a strange dream, that he’s a snake, biting a man]
Harry: Oh, no! My precognition is telling me that Arthur Weasley is in trouble! I must tell Ron!
Neville: Oh, no—I’ll go get Professor McGonagall right away!
Ron: Harry, you just had a bad dream.
Harry: It wasn’t a dream—your father’s been attacked!
Ron: What?
McGonagall: What’s going on here?
Ron: Professor, Professor! Harry says he had a dream my father was attacked!
McGonagall: Oh, dear. We must see Dumbledore.
Hermione: I’ve tried to tell him that his lesson plans are stupid and will make him look bad, but he won’t listen to me!
Ron: Well, since when has he ever listened to any of us?
[Hagrid shows up in the Great Hall at breakfast the next day]
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think the other students who view Hagrid with suspicion are right about him.
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures to see that Hagrid has a dead cow, and looks no less beat up than before.]
Hagrid: Today we’re going to be in the Forbidden Forest.
Draco: Are you trying to kill us again?!
Hagrid: This time you won’t be in any danger of getting killed.
Draco: You expect us to believe that?! How did you get so badly injured?!
Hagrid: I don’t have to tell you that, because you are not a main character.
Draco: Damn you! You’ll pay for this in the next book when I get to keep secrets from all of you!
[They go into the forest, where Hagrid drops off the carcass. Some skeletal winged horses descend and start eating it.]
Harry: W-what are those?!
Ron: What are what?
Harry: Those creepy horses!
Ron: Horses?
Hagrid: Alright, who can see the horses?
[Three people raise their hands, including Harry and Neville]
Draco: Horses?! There’s nothing there at all!
Parvati: Yes there is! Look! It’s eating the cow!
Hagrid: These are called Thestrals.
Parvati: Aren’t Thestrals supposed to be unlucky?
Hagrid: No, they’re not unlucky—they’re actually useful beasts of burden if you happen to be fortunate enough to be a main character or as awesome as Dumbledore.
Parvati: Like, how comforting….
Hermione: Hagrid, is it true that the only people who can see Thestrals are those who have seen death?
Hagrid: That’s very true.
Umbridge: Hello, everybody!
Hagrid: Oh, no—it’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! So…what exactly are you doing today?
Hagrid: We’re studying Thestrals!
Umbridge: Uh-huh. You’re half-giant, aren’t you? Did I mention I’m racist against part-humans?
Hagrid: Oh, you…. Ahem, anyway, Hogwarts is really lucky to have a herd of Thestrals living here—
Umbridge: Aren’t Thestrals a little dangerous to be used in a lesson?
Draco: My savior!
Umbridge: Oh, shut up you brat!
Hagrid: Well, I daresay they’re no more dangerous than the other things these kids face on a regular basis!
Umbridge: You mean like me?—I mean, don’t you think that just makes the school look bad?
Hagrid: The politics of this school don’t concern me. I’m too stupid to understand them in any case.
Umbridge: Yet you’re a teacher here?
Hagrid: Oh, never mind! I can see I can’t win with you!
Hermione: Hagrid, don’t encourage her….
Hagrid: Whatever, can we just get back to the Thestrals? Anyway, as I was saying, Thestrals have such amazing senses of direction that they can take you literally anywhere in the world on a whim. I can think of no way this might become a plot point!
Umbridge: So, Pansy Parkinson, what do you think of Hagrid?
Pansy: I think he’s a horrible teacher, and really stupid too. You know, because he’s half-giant and stuff.
Umbridge: You have a trustworthy face; therefore I believe you unquestioningly.
Pansy: Wow, you really think so?!
Umbridge: Well, you told me what I want to hear, anyway. [walks over to Neville] Navel, can you see those Thestrals?
Neville: Yes, I can. But my name isn’t Navel, thanks, it’s Neville.
Umbridge: That means someone you knew died, right? Who was it?
Neville: It was my grandfather—wait, how is that any of your business?!
Umbridge: It’s my job to get into everyone’s business, thank you very much. Are you scared of the horses?
Neville: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?
Umbridge: Maybe, if I feel like it.
Neville: Aargh! I can’t win with her!
Umbridge: What a rude teacher, and a rude bunch of students! Well, no matter, I have what I need now. Time for me to depart. [Leaves]
[After the lesson…]
Hermione: Umbridge is a horrible person! How dare she pick on Hagrid over the Thestrals! Thestrals are cool—they’re not like last year’s Blast-ended Skrewts!
Ron: Don’t you think it’s a little gruesome that three people in that class could see them, though?
Hermione: I suppose so. I doubt this’ll come up again, though.
Ron: I wouldn’t count on it. Like Hagrid said, these horses seem like they’d make excellent plot devices.
[The holidays approach…]
Harry: And everyone else is going to spend a great time with their families but I have to be stuck at school all alone with Umbridge and no Quidditch! Why is my life so miserable?!
Ron: Harry, did you want to come to my house for the holidays?
Harry: Yay! I feel better now!
[On the last DA meeting before the holidays, Dobby decorates the Room of Requirement with ornaments that all bear tribute to Harry!]
Harry: Well Dobby just got…even creepier than he was before!
Luna: Oh, look at this décor. I may copy it for my own bedroom.
Harry: You wouldn’t.
Luna: Oh yes I would. Don’t you know that all hipsters are creepers inside?
Kate: By the way, Harry, we’ve replaced you as Seeker.
Harry: Replace me, the great Harry Potter?! But with who?!
Kate: Jenny Weasley, of course.
Harry: Ginny has been made Seeker?!
Angelina: Yes, and she’s actually not bad at it. Though she’s not quite as good as you, seeing as you’re the main character and all.
[When everyone else arrives, they all practice jinxes and spells…]
Harry: Wow, Navel—you’re really improving!
Neville: Thanks, but my name isn’t Navel.
[When everyone else is ready to leave, Cho hangs back]
Cho: If only my Cedric had been able to learn all these things—he’d still be alive. [Sobs]
Harry: Don’t worry—it’s not his fault this school can’t teach defense to save its life.
Cho: Yes, but…you’re actually a really good teacher, you know that?
Harry: Aww, you don’t say?
Cho: Yes. If things had turned out differently, well, I might actually have been willing to date you.
Harry: What do you mean, if things had turned out differently?
Cho: Well…you’re destined to marry a major character, like that Jenny Weasley. I can’t compete with that—I’m just a side character.
Harry: Maybe you’ll turn out to be a main character?
Cho: Oh, I wish. I’m not even a Gryffindor. I’m practically chattel. [Cries]
Harry: There, there. Luna Lovegood’s on a fast track to being a main character, and she’s a Ravenclaw just like you.
Cho: No, this could never work. I…I have to go. [Kisses Harry and leaves]
[Harry returns to the common room…]
Hermione: What took you so long? Are you really that enamored of Cho Chang?
Harry: How did you know?
Ron: Did you kiss her?
Harry: Guilty as charged.
Ron: Oh, wow. In these books, that’s practically losing your virginity.
Hermione: I’m surprised. You’d think Cho would be too miserable to kiss anyone.
Ron: Miserable?
Hermione: Over Cedric’s death, remember? And if she does like Harry too, well, that’s even worse.
Ron: Wow, feelings are so complicated.
Hermione: It could be that she’s hoping to become a main character through hooking up with Harry.
Ron: Why do I get an awful sense of foreboding?
Harry: Hey! Only I’m allowed to have those!
Hermione: Maybe you should go on a date with Cho in Hogsmeade or something?
Harry: …I’ll work on it.
Ron: By the way, Hermione, who are you writing that letter to? You’ve been working on it for ages.
Hermione: Viktor Krum, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me…. [Leaves]
Ron: Well, if she can date a foreign guy who only appeared in one other book so far, I guess you’re free to date Cho Chang.
[That night, Harry has a strange dream, that he’s a snake, biting a man]
Harry: Oh, no! My precognition is telling me that Arthur Weasley is in trouble! I must tell Ron!
Neville: Oh, no—I’ll go get Professor McGonagall right away!
Ron: Harry, you just had a bad dream.
Harry: It wasn’t a dream—your father’s been attacked!
Ron: What?
McGonagall: What’s going on here?
Ron: Professor, Professor! Harry says he had a dream my father was attacked!
McGonagall: Oh, dear. We must see Dumbledore.
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I pause in admiration to quote Dorothy Sayers
Date: 2014-12-03 07:09 am (UTC)Re: I pause in admiration to quote Dorothy Sayers
Date: 2014-12-03 06:40 pm (UTC)I must say I always look forward to making fun of chapters that have this level of WTF?! in them most of all. I'm pretty sure I began coming up with jokes I could use for this chapter and the one preceding it long before I had the chance to sit down and write it all out.