Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 28
Jan. 30th, 2015 11:40 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockThe chapter we’ve all been waiting for—the first glimpse of Snape’s worst memory!!
[With Dumbledore gone, Umbridge is instated as Headmistress]
Ernie Macmillan: Look on the bright side—Dumbledore’s gargoyle won’t let Umbridge use his office.
Harry: …And?
Ernie Macmillan: Well…this has happened once before. And Dumbledore came back.
Harry: True, true.
Hermione: At least Umbridge is having a hard time of things—she deserves all the hardship she gets.
Draco: Hiiiiii!
Hermione: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
Draco: Well, seeing as I’m now a part of Umbridge’s personal Inquisitorial Squad, I wanted to take some points from Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. Just because I’m an asshole.
Hermione: Umbridge has a student squad? This is a thing?
Draco: It’s absolutely a thing, and this “thing” will make your life hell. Because you’re a mudblood. I think I’ll take some points off for that.
Ron: How dare you be racist against my friend!
Hermione: Now now—I’ll look more noble if I endure this abuse quietly.
Harry: Hey, that’s supposed to be my job!
Hermione: We can share.
Draco: Well this is boring. So long, losers! [Leaves]
[Sure enough, later that day all the students from every house but Slytherin see that they’ve lost points.]
Fred: By the way, a Slytherin named Montague tried to take points away from us so we shoved him in a vanishing cabinet. I wonder if this will become a plot point in any way?
Hermione: Isn’t that potentially dangerous for both him and you?
Fred: Oh, come on—he was a slimy Slytherin! He deserved it! Oh, by the way, we’re planning something big.
Hermione: Like what?
George: I’ll show you when the time comes.
Hermione: You’re not going to do anything that would give Umbridge an excuse to expel you?
Fred: Whoever said we cared about being expelled. Now that Dumbledore’s gone all we care about is sticking it to the man! Or rather, Umbridge!
Hermione: What exactly do you mean by that?
George: Come to the Great Hall and you’ll see.
[They leave, and Harry and his friends turn to go separate ways]
Filch: Aha! There you are!
Harry: Aaagh! Mr. Norris! What are you doing here?!
Filch: My name is Filch, you idiot! Anyway, I want you to come with me to see the Headmistress.
Harry: Why on Earth are you taking me to see the Headmistress?
Filch: Because I think you’re guilty.
Harry: Of what?
Filch: All in good time. By the way, did you know I’m thrilled that Umbridge is here? She’s going to let me whip and torture you just like I’ve always wanted! [Fanboy sigh]
Harry: I always knew you’d support her! I knew you were trouble from the moment I first laid eyes on you!
Filch: I felt the exact same way about you, you know!
[They go to Umbridge’s office…]
Harry: Aagh! She’s chained up my broom! Why does she taunt me so?!
Umbridge: Hello, you disgusting brat.
Harry: It’s a lovely day to see you too, evil scum. So what torment do you have in store for me this time?
Umbridge: Oh, nothing—I just want you to drink some tea which is not at all spiked! [Produces tea]
Harry: Oh, tea, is that right?
Umbridge: If you’re a good boy I might read you some halfway-decent fanfiction. I may even enlist you to help me support some miners I know in Wales.
Harry: You’re hiding something from me, I just know it. You’re never this nice.
Umbridge: I’m not…?! Well…! I could say the same exact thing to you! Now drink that tea!
Harry: What if I don’t want to?
Umbridge: I’ll get “Draco Veritas!”
Harry: No, no! Anything but that! Okay, okay, I’ll do it! [Pretends to take a sip of tea]
Umbridge: You’re not just faking drinking that tea to pacify me, are you?
Harry: No, don’t be silly!
Umbridge: Right. Alright, then, tell me where Albus Dumbledore is.
Harry: I don’t know where he is.
Umbridge: What? You mean he hasn’t told you that after everything you two have collaborated on together?
Harry: No he hasn’t, okay?! He’s been such a horrible jerk to me and hasn’t told me anything! [Cries]
Umbridge: Okay…well…do you at least know where Sirius Black is?
Harry: I don’t know and I couldn’t tell you if I did because it’s protected. [Pause] Oops, did I say that last bit out loud?
Umbridge: Well, isn’t that nice. You do know where he is, don’t you?
Harry: No! What on earth gave you that idea?!
[Just then, there’s an explosion from upstairs]
Umbridge: Aagh! Now I have to go investigate! [She leaves]
[Harry follows close behind, and sees that the Great Hall has been overrun by enchanted fireworks!]
Harry: Wow, cool!
Umbridge: This is a disaster!
George: By the way, Harry, did you know that the fireworks explode when you try to stun them and multiply when you try to vanish them?! I can think of no way this might come back to bite the school in the ass!
[The other teachers seem to be okay with them, though.]
Umbridge: You’re really okay with having fireworks like these flying all over the place?!
McGonagall: I don’t mind them at all. If they bother you so much why don’t you get rid of them?
Umbridge: But I can’t! I order you other teachers who can get rid of them to do it!
Flitwick: But we don’t have the authority to do anything about them! Only you do!
Umbridge: Very funny! You just like to see me miserable.
McGonagall: What, you can’t stand a taste of your own medicine?
Umbridge: I’m surrounded by freaks!
[Later, in the common room…]
Hermione: Fred, George, I know I was harsh on you earlier, but now that you’ve decided to turn your pranks toward making my enemies suffer all is forgiven.
Fred: We knew you’d come around once you saw how useful we can be.
Hermione: Yes, yes. Useful is a good word.
[That night, Harry goes to bed…]
Harry: I see that corridor again! Oh, what could this possibly mean?
[He enters a strange room full of dusty orbs]
Harry: And somehow these orbs interest me greatly but I just can’t figure out why.
[Harry is woken up when some fireworks explode into more fireworks]
Harry: Fucking fireworks! I oughtta…! …Oh fuck I have to see Snape about my dreams again tomorrow, don’t I?
[The next day, as Harry goes down to the dungeons to meet Snape…]
Cho: Harry, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello!
Cho: So, anyway, I just wanted to apologize for what Marietta did—
Harry: Good! I can’t believe you were friends with that awful, awful girl! I’m so glad her face is still as marked-up as ever!
Cho: Hey, that’s not very nice! She’s not a bad girl, she just made a mistake!
Harry: She sold us out to that evil scumbag Umbridge! I could have been tortured for that! Or worse!
Cho: Why does everything always have to be about you? Did you ever think that maybe she had a conflict of interest, seeing as her mother works for the Ministry and all?
Harry: Who cares if she had a conflict of interest?! She betrayed me! [Cries]
Cho: Anyway, why in the hell didn’t Hermione tell us that she’d jinxed that list to mark up people’s faces?
Harry: I thought it was understood that we weren’t supposed to tell.
Cho: But she specifically said adding your name to that list wasn’t binding!
Harry: Oh, come on—since when are denials that specific ever true?
Cho: So you’re saying we should have read her mind?!
Harry: Silence! Hermione is far too clever and talented for me to lose her as a partner! I will not hear you say anything bad about her!
Cho: Honestly, you are quite hopeless! [Leaves]
Harry: Aaaaargh why is everyone so mean to me all the time?!
[He heads to the dungeons…]
Snape: So, you have been practicing, haven’t you?
Harry: [Innocently] Yes, yes, of course I have.
[But just then, Draco enters!]
Draco: Snape, Snape! Umbridge needs your help! They found Montague in a toilet upstairs!
Snape: Fine, fine! I suppose I have to go save one of my students now. [To Harry] Be a good boy and stay exactly where you are until I get back! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, good—now Snape is distracted! This is the perfect time to go through all his top-secret thoughts, feelings, and memories! [Sticks his head in Snape’s Pensieve]
[Harry is transported to a time when his parents and Snape were at school]
Harry: And they’re all the same age as me—this is OWL year. Oh, wow—Sirius was so hot as a teenager! And so was my father, though that’s probably because he looks almost exactly like me.
[Harry follows Snape and his father outside, to where they hang out. His father is playing with a stolen Golden Snitch]
Potter: Tra-la-laaa, playing with stolen property is the life for meeeeeeeee.
Wormtail: You are so skilled with that Golden Snitch, Potter! I am in awe of your greatness!
Sirius: Whatever, loser. You’re just hoping that if you lick Potter’s boots enough he’ll treat you as an equal.
Wormtail: No, that’s not it at all!
Sirius: Sure it isn’t! Hey Potter, I’m bored!
Potter: Huh. I wonder what I can do to cheer you up. I know! Let’s torment a slimy Slytherin! Like that one! [Points to Snape]
Sirius: Oh, yeah! That sounds like great fun!
Potter: Expelliarmus! Impedimenta!
[Snape is immobilized and left helpless]
Snape: Aaaagh! Release me you cowards!
Potter: I shall not release you for you are a slimy Slytherin and deserve all the tormenting ever.
Snape: What have I done to deserve this? [Cries]
Lily: I thought I heard something over here!
Harry: Holy shit, it’s my mother!
Lily: So, anyway, James Potter, as a prefect I hereby ask that you let this poor Slytherin go.
Potter: But why?
Lily: Because you’re bullying him, that’s why. I saw the whole thing—he was minding his own business and you started picking on him.
Potter: If I agree to let him go will you go out with me?
Lily: No! Is that even a question?!
Snape: I will not be ignored in my hour of need! Take THIS! Plot-relevant curse! [He grabs his wand and inflicts a gash on Potter’s face]
Potter: Owie! That hurt! See how you like this! [Hangs Snape upside-down]
Lily: Now you’re making him expose himself?!
Potter: Oh, was that too much? I’m sorry. [Releases Snape] How about this? Petrificus totalus!
Snape: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Lily: [Facepalm] Look, just…let him alone, alright?
Snape: Can you come and help me over here?!
Lily: Oh, quiet you—this is the scene where I get to look noble for interceding on your behalf!
Snape: How dare you patronize me, you…you…mudblood you!
Lily: How dare you call me that! Just for that, I think I’ll leave you to your tormentors! Snivellus!
Potter: Hooray!
Lily: Don’t think I’m taking your side. You’re lucky you’re not a genocidal racist.
Snape: I am not a genocidal racist!
Potter: Yes you are!
Snape: No I’m not!
Lily: Whatever. I can’t take much more of you losers. Good day! [Leaves]
Potter: I can’t for the life of me imagine why that Lily Evans doesn’t like me. She and I would make such a cute couple. And have the most adorable and lovable son ever.
Sirius: Well…maybe she just thinks you’re conceited, you know. Because…you kind of are.
Potter: Conceited? Being conceited is my best quality! Oh, well—let’s torment the slimy Slytherin some more!
Sirius: Yes, let’s!
Snape: I hate my life. [Cries]
[But just then, Harry is dragged out of the Pensieve!]
Snape: Oh, you…! I told you not to go looking in my Pensieve, did I not?!
Harry: Well, like I said before, since when has that ever stopped me…?
Snape: Don’t play smart with me you little punk! I told you not to look in that Pensieve, and now you did, and henceforth I forbid you from coming down to this dungeon again! I don’t care if Voldemort can get inside your mind! And if you tell anyone what you saw, so help me, I’ll…!
Harry: You’ll what?
Snape: …Use your imagination.
[Harry leaves]
Harry: Wow…so Snape was bullied as a child…and I was bullied as a child. Could it be that, maybe, just maybe, I’m expected to sympathize with him about all this? Was my father not the paragon of virtue I had always imagined him to be?
[Meanwhile, back in the dungeons…]
Snape: Oh, why did he look inside my private Pensieve?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY RUINED! YET AGAIN! [Weeps buckets]
[With Dumbledore gone, Umbridge is instated as Headmistress]
Ernie Macmillan: Look on the bright side—Dumbledore’s gargoyle won’t let Umbridge use his office.
Harry: …And?
Ernie Macmillan: Well…this has happened once before. And Dumbledore came back.
Harry: True, true.
Hermione: At least Umbridge is having a hard time of things—she deserves all the hardship she gets.
Draco: Hiiiiii!
Hermione: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
Draco: Well, seeing as I’m now a part of Umbridge’s personal Inquisitorial Squad, I wanted to take some points from Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. Just because I’m an asshole.
Hermione: Umbridge has a student squad? This is a thing?
Draco: It’s absolutely a thing, and this “thing” will make your life hell. Because you’re a mudblood. I think I’ll take some points off for that.
Ron: How dare you be racist against my friend!
Hermione: Now now—I’ll look more noble if I endure this abuse quietly.
Harry: Hey, that’s supposed to be my job!
Hermione: We can share.
Draco: Well this is boring. So long, losers! [Leaves]
[Sure enough, later that day all the students from every house but Slytherin see that they’ve lost points.]
Fred: By the way, a Slytherin named Montague tried to take points away from us so we shoved him in a vanishing cabinet. I wonder if this will become a plot point in any way?
Hermione: Isn’t that potentially dangerous for both him and you?
Fred: Oh, come on—he was a slimy Slytherin! He deserved it! Oh, by the way, we’re planning something big.
Hermione: Like what?
George: I’ll show you when the time comes.
Hermione: You’re not going to do anything that would give Umbridge an excuse to expel you?
Fred: Whoever said we cared about being expelled. Now that Dumbledore’s gone all we care about is sticking it to the man! Or rather, Umbridge!
Hermione: What exactly do you mean by that?
George: Come to the Great Hall and you’ll see.
[They leave, and Harry and his friends turn to go separate ways]
Filch: Aha! There you are!
Harry: Aaagh! Mr. Norris! What are you doing here?!
Filch: My name is Filch, you idiot! Anyway, I want you to come with me to see the Headmistress.
Harry: Why on Earth are you taking me to see the Headmistress?
Filch: Because I think you’re guilty.
Harry: Of what?
Filch: All in good time. By the way, did you know I’m thrilled that Umbridge is here? She’s going to let me whip and torture you just like I’ve always wanted! [Fanboy sigh]
Harry: I always knew you’d support her! I knew you were trouble from the moment I first laid eyes on you!
Filch: I felt the exact same way about you, you know!
[They go to Umbridge’s office…]
Harry: Aagh! She’s chained up my broom! Why does she taunt me so?!
Umbridge: Hello, you disgusting brat.
Harry: It’s a lovely day to see you too, evil scum. So what torment do you have in store for me this time?
Umbridge: Oh, nothing—I just want you to drink some tea which is not at all spiked! [Produces tea]
Harry: Oh, tea, is that right?
Umbridge: If you’re a good boy I might read you some halfway-decent fanfiction. I may even enlist you to help me support some miners I know in Wales.
Harry: You’re hiding something from me, I just know it. You’re never this nice.
Umbridge: I’m not…?! Well…! I could say the same exact thing to you! Now drink that tea!
Harry: What if I don’t want to?
Umbridge: I’ll get “Draco Veritas!”
Harry: No, no! Anything but that! Okay, okay, I’ll do it! [Pretends to take a sip of tea]
Umbridge: You’re not just faking drinking that tea to pacify me, are you?
Harry: No, don’t be silly!
Umbridge: Right. Alright, then, tell me where Albus Dumbledore is.
Harry: I don’t know where he is.
Umbridge: What? You mean he hasn’t told you that after everything you two have collaborated on together?
Harry: No he hasn’t, okay?! He’s been such a horrible jerk to me and hasn’t told me anything! [Cries]
Umbridge: Okay…well…do you at least know where Sirius Black is?
Harry: I don’t know and I couldn’t tell you if I did because it’s protected. [Pause] Oops, did I say that last bit out loud?
Umbridge: Well, isn’t that nice. You do know where he is, don’t you?
Harry: No! What on earth gave you that idea?!
[Just then, there’s an explosion from upstairs]
Umbridge: Aagh! Now I have to go investigate! [She leaves]
[Harry follows close behind, and sees that the Great Hall has been overrun by enchanted fireworks!]
Harry: Wow, cool!
Umbridge: This is a disaster!
George: By the way, Harry, did you know that the fireworks explode when you try to stun them and multiply when you try to vanish them?! I can think of no way this might come back to bite the school in the ass!
[The other teachers seem to be okay with them, though.]
Umbridge: You’re really okay with having fireworks like these flying all over the place?!
McGonagall: I don’t mind them at all. If they bother you so much why don’t you get rid of them?
Umbridge: But I can’t! I order you other teachers who can get rid of them to do it!
Flitwick: But we don’t have the authority to do anything about them! Only you do!
Umbridge: Very funny! You just like to see me miserable.
McGonagall: What, you can’t stand a taste of your own medicine?
Umbridge: I’m surrounded by freaks!
[Later, in the common room…]
Hermione: Fred, George, I know I was harsh on you earlier, but now that you’ve decided to turn your pranks toward making my enemies suffer all is forgiven.
Fred: We knew you’d come around once you saw how useful we can be.
Hermione: Yes, yes. Useful is a good word.
[That night, Harry goes to bed…]
Harry: I see that corridor again! Oh, what could this possibly mean?
[He enters a strange room full of dusty orbs]
Harry: And somehow these orbs interest me greatly but I just can’t figure out why.
[Harry is woken up when some fireworks explode into more fireworks]
Harry: Fucking fireworks! I oughtta…! …Oh fuck I have to see Snape about my dreams again tomorrow, don’t I?
[The next day, as Harry goes down to the dungeons to meet Snape…]
Cho: Harry, Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello!
Cho: So, anyway, I just wanted to apologize for what Marietta did—
Harry: Good! I can’t believe you were friends with that awful, awful girl! I’m so glad her face is still as marked-up as ever!
Cho: Hey, that’s not very nice! She’s not a bad girl, she just made a mistake!
Harry: She sold us out to that evil scumbag Umbridge! I could have been tortured for that! Or worse!
Cho: Why does everything always have to be about you? Did you ever think that maybe she had a conflict of interest, seeing as her mother works for the Ministry and all?
Harry: Who cares if she had a conflict of interest?! She betrayed me! [Cries]
Cho: Anyway, why in the hell didn’t Hermione tell us that she’d jinxed that list to mark up people’s faces?
Harry: I thought it was understood that we weren’t supposed to tell.
Cho: But she specifically said adding your name to that list wasn’t binding!
Harry: Oh, come on—since when are denials that specific ever true?
Cho: So you’re saying we should have read her mind?!
Harry: Silence! Hermione is far too clever and talented for me to lose her as a partner! I will not hear you say anything bad about her!
Cho: Honestly, you are quite hopeless! [Leaves]
Harry: Aaaaargh why is everyone so mean to me all the time?!
[He heads to the dungeons…]
Snape: So, you have been practicing, haven’t you?
Harry: [Innocently] Yes, yes, of course I have.
[But just then, Draco enters!]
Draco: Snape, Snape! Umbridge needs your help! They found Montague in a toilet upstairs!
Snape: Fine, fine! I suppose I have to go save one of my students now. [To Harry] Be a good boy and stay exactly where you are until I get back! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, good—now Snape is distracted! This is the perfect time to go through all his top-secret thoughts, feelings, and memories! [Sticks his head in Snape’s Pensieve]
[Harry is transported to a time when his parents and Snape were at school]
Harry: And they’re all the same age as me—this is OWL year. Oh, wow—Sirius was so hot as a teenager! And so was my father, though that’s probably because he looks almost exactly like me.
[Harry follows Snape and his father outside, to where they hang out. His father is playing with a stolen Golden Snitch]
Potter: Tra-la-laaa, playing with stolen property is the life for meeeeeeeee.
Wormtail: You are so skilled with that Golden Snitch, Potter! I am in awe of your greatness!
Sirius: Whatever, loser. You’re just hoping that if you lick Potter’s boots enough he’ll treat you as an equal.
Wormtail: No, that’s not it at all!
Sirius: Sure it isn’t! Hey Potter, I’m bored!
Potter: Huh. I wonder what I can do to cheer you up. I know! Let’s torment a slimy Slytherin! Like that one! [Points to Snape]
Sirius: Oh, yeah! That sounds like great fun!
Potter: Expelliarmus! Impedimenta!
[Snape is immobilized and left helpless]
Snape: Aaaagh! Release me you cowards!
Potter: I shall not release you for you are a slimy Slytherin and deserve all the tormenting ever.
Snape: What have I done to deserve this? [Cries]
Lily: I thought I heard something over here!
Harry: Holy shit, it’s my mother!
Lily: So, anyway, James Potter, as a prefect I hereby ask that you let this poor Slytherin go.
Potter: But why?
Lily: Because you’re bullying him, that’s why. I saw the whole thing—he was minding his own business and you started picking on him.
Potter: If I agree to let him go will you go out with me?
Lily: No! Is that even a question?!
Snape: I will not be ignored in my hour of need! Take THIS! Plot-relevant curse! [He grabs his wand and inflicts a gash on Potter’s face]
Potter: Owie! That hurt! See how you like this! [Hangs Snape upside-down]
Lily: Now you’re making him expose himself?!
Potter: Oh, was that too much? I’m sorry. [Releases Snape] How about this? Petrificus totalus!
Snape: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Lily: [Facepalm] Look, just…let him alone, alright?
Snape: Can you come and help me over here?!
Lily: Oh, quiet you—this is the scene where I get to look noble for interceding on your behalf!
Snape: How dare you patronize me, you…you…mudblood you!
Lily: How dare you call me that! Just for that, I think I’ll leave you to your tormentors! Snivellus!
Potter: Hooray!
Lily: Don’t think I’m taking your side. You’re lucky you’re not a genocidal racist.
Snape: I am not a genocidal racist!
Potter: Yes you are!
Snape: No I’m not!
Lily: Whatever. I can’t take much more of you losers. Good day! [Leaves]
Potter: I can’t for the life of me imagine why that Lily Evans doesn’t like me. She and I would make such a cute couple. And have the most adorable and lovable son ever.
Sirius: Well…maybe she just thinks you’re conceited, you know. Because…you kind of are.
Potter: Conceited? Being conceited is my best quality! Oh, well—let’s torment the slimy Slytherin some more!
Sirius: Yes, let’s!
Snape: I hate my life. [Cries]
[But just then, Harry is dragged out of the Pensieve!]
Snape: Oh, you…! I told you not to go looking in my Pensieve, did I not?!
Harry: Well, like I said before, since when has that ever stopped me…?
Snape: Don’t play smart with me you little punk! I told you not to look in that Pensieve, and now you did, and henceforth I forbid you from coming down to this dungeon again! I don’t care if Voldemort can get inside your mind! And if you tell anyone what you saw, so help me, I’ll…!
Harry: You’ll what?
Snape: …Use your imagination.
[Harry leaves]
Harry: Wow…so Snape was bullied as a child…and I was bullied as a child. Could it be that, maybe, just maybe, I’m expected to sympathize with him about all this? Was my father not the paragon of virtue I had always imagined him to be?
[Meanwhile, back in the dungeons…]
Snape: Oh, why did he look inside my private Pensieve?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY RUINED! YET AGAIN! [Weeps buckets]
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Re: Better Than James, Albus, and Sev
Date: 2015-02-01 06:27 pm (UTC)Book Six should have been about Harry starting to learn from and handle the situations that were throwing him for a loop so badly in Book Five. Then in Book Seven, when he learned how he’d been manipulated by Dumbledore (just like Snape!), he should have grown beyond both Dumbledore’s manipulations and Snape’s protection and become, not Dumbledore’s Man, but an adult hero in his own right.
Re: Better Than James, Albus, and Sev
Date: 2015-02-02 04:06 am (UTC)I still think that Severus is the hidden hero of these books. Had Rowling been more conscious of what she was actually writing, I think Harry would have recognized this. I've just finished reading Gaskell's "North and South", after watching the (really wonderful) dramatization, and it's impressive that, toward the end, after losing both parents and a man who was a second father to her, the heroine spends a long time thinking about what her life should be. Her conclusion? That she must live her life with integrity. Whatever decisions she needs to make in the future, that will be her first goal.
Needless to say, Margaret Hale is ten times the hero Harry is. And she's not that much older than Harry in DH. OTOH, she is older, and women mature earlier than men!