deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 34

[They all mount their Thestrals, with Luna helping those who can’t see the things, and then they’re off]

Thestral: So…you’re not forcing us to go to a place where there are a lot of humans, are you?

Harry: Sorry to disappoint you.

Thestral: If you weren’t the main character I’d toss you right off my back to your death!

Harry: Ah, but you see, I am the main character!

[Fortunately, the Thestrals are able to locate the telephone booth that leads to the Ministry]

Harry: Wait…just how do you horses know where this place is?

Thestral: Your main-character telepathy told us how to get here. So long, losers!

[The Thestrals fly away]

[They enter the Ministry of Magic to find it completely empty]

Harry: I don’t like this. Nothing is scarier, after all.

Luna: I’ll say it is.

[They take an elevator to the Department of Mysteries…]

Harry: Oh, wow—this place looks exactly like I remember from my dreams!

[They go inside to find it filled with identical black doors]

Harry: Navel—

Neville: My name is not Navel!

Harry: …be a good boy and close the door for me.

Neville: The things I do for you….

[He closes the door and all the doors in the room swivel around until they can’t tell which is the one from which they came in]

Ron: Oh, wonderful! Now which door do we go through?

Harry: I don’t know. Let me see if the great spirits of main characters can help. [Points to a random door] That one looks promising!

[They open the door to find it empty except for an aquarium in which several brains appear to be swimming]

Hermione: …That’s disturbing on so many levels.

Harry: Well, let’s get out of here. This place is seriously creeping me out.

[They go back outside]

Hermione: Wait while I do a trick!

[She marks the door with a red X]

Harry: Good thinking!

[The doors swivel again…]

Harry: Alright, let’s try one of the other doors!

[He opens another random door, which contains nothing but a raised platform on which stands a mysteeeeerious veil]

Harry: That’s odd. I hear voices.

Luna: You can hear them too? I thought it was just me….

Harry: Could Sirius be in here somewhere? Maybe I’ll find the answer if I walk through that veil….

Hermione: Harry, don’t get any strange ideas now! Remember, Sirius is waiting for you!

Harry: Oh, right. Let’s go!

[They go back outside. The doors swivel again.]

Harry: This time for sure! [He approaches another door, but it’s completely locked, and even Sirius’s knife won’t work on it] No fair! As the main character I demand to see what’s on the other side!

Hermione: Harry, give it up! Remember, you could get through the door that appears in your dream!

Harry: Oh, right. Well, then…how about this one?

[This next door is full of clocks, and contains a bell jar in which a hummingbird is continually dying and being reborn]

Ginny: How delightfully whimsical.

Harry: How dare you look at things! Only I am allowed to linger over anything in these places, because I am the main character and my hang-ups and obsessions are more important than anyone else’s!

Ginny: Don’t be that way—there wouldn’t be so many doors if one of them wasn’t designed to affect each of us!

Harry: You may be right.

[So they go back outside. The next door Harry selects turns out to be the right one! Sure enough, it’s filled with rows and rows of crystal balls.]

Harry: We found it! Oh…but Sirius isn’t here. I can think of no reason why this would be.

Hermione: Maybe this was all a trap?

Harry: Nope, nope! I know it was real, because I’m the main character, and--!

Hermione: Being a main character isn’t enough to compensate for a serious lack of judgment, you know!

Ron: Harry, I found something important!

Harry: What could be so important that you would find it?

Ron: [Facepalm] One of the crystal balls has your name on it.

Harry: Ooh! I knew I’d find something important if I came here!

Hermione: Harry, I really don’t think you ought to—

Harry: Oh, please! Clearly this is some priceless treasure destined to fall into my worthy main character hands! [Pulls crystal ball from shelf]

Lucius: Aha! I have you now, my pretties!

Harry: Aaaargh! It’s the Death Eaters!

Ron and Hermione: [Facepalm]