Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 38
Apr. 23rd, 2015 11:15 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockThe end of the fifth book!
[Harry goes to visit Ron and Hermione in the hospital wing one day]
Hermione: Look, Harry—the Ministry believes you now!
Harry: Oh, good! One less thing for me to be a martyr over! By the way, Hermione, I’m sorry you got injured so badly you have to take then different potions every day to have any hope of healing! And Ron, I’m sorry that you now have scars from those evil brains! I hope you can forgive my recklessness!
Ron: Do we have a choice?
Harry: No!
Ron: You’re forgiven….
Luna: By the way, it was my father who sold them the story!
Hermione: Whatever, you Ravenclaw hipster.
Ginny: By the way, Professor Flitwick’s decided to remove most of Fred and George’s swamp, but still keep a small piece of it as a monument to them. I’m so glad to have two famous brothers!
Ron: Hey! I’m a secondary main character here!
Ginny: Yes but you haven’t said or done anything for at least two books!
Ron: Don’t remind me….
Ginny: By the way, what do you think of Umbridge being here?
Hermione: I don’t know what to make of it. What’s wrong with her, do you think?
Ginny: Umbrige, Umbridge! What did those centaurs end up doing to you?
Umbridge: I’d rather not talk about it.
Ron: I heard you’d developed a distaste for mushrooms?
Umbridge: Aaaaagh! Not the mushrooms!
Hermione: He he he…so, anyway, is Firenze still here, now that Professor Trevolrey’s reinstated?
Ginny: He has to be. I think they’re supposed to be teaching together.
Ron: I still don’t understand why that class is even offered as an elective, considering I haven’t learned anything of use since it began.
Hermione: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid. Obviously it has something to do with the prophecies we found in the Department of Mysteries.
Ron: Oh, yeah. Like that one with Harry’s name on it. It’s a shame we didn’t hear what was inside it, right Harry?
[Harry stands up to leave]
Ron: Harry?
Harry: Oh, I just…ah…need to go and indulge in protracted angst alone for awhile.
Ron: You do that.
[But as he’s walking, he runs into Draco and his buddies!]
Draco: Aha! It’s you! You’re the one who sent my father to prison! I swear by God, you’ll pay!
Harry: Oh, please—I’m the main character and you are nothing but a slimy Slytherin whose father works for my worst enemy. There’s nothing you could do that would do anything more than vaguely inconvenience me.
Draco: I can try!
Harry: Even if you did, you’re evil so you’d be foiled and punished to my great amusement.
Draco: The only reason why you even succeeded in getting the Ministry to believe your story was because Dumbledore made them believe it! You didn’t do anything!
Harry: What?! You dare imply that I didn’t earn every last bit of my triumph at the Ministry?!
Draco: Yes! Exactly! You’re a lazy coward who relies entirely on other people to accomplish anything at all!
Harry: I dare you to say that again! [Draws wand]
Snape: What in the hell is going on here?!
Harry: Draco’s being mean to me, and I’m about to show him a lesson!
Snape: Oh, no you’re not! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Harry: Don’t make me laugh! We’ve got no more points to take away! I have nothing to lose anymore!
[McGonagall comes on the scene]
McGonagall: By the way, Harry, I’ve just returned from St. Mungo’s in the nick of time to award you and your friends each fifty points for being heroes again!
Harry: Hooray!
Snape: [Facepalm] Those ten points I took away still don’t make any difference….
[Harry goes outside, where he comes upon Hagrid’s hut]
Harry: Hagrid! You’re not bruised and cut up anymore!
Hagrid: Yeah, well…Grawp and I decided on a truce for the time being. By the way, I got the idea to find him a girlfriend! I haven’t told him about it, or anything, and he didn’t give me any reason to think he wanted one…but still, for his own good….
Harry: You’re hopeless….
[Harry continues on his walk]
Harry: It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and SIRIUS IS DEEEEEEEEAD! WHYYYYYYYYYY did he have to die?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY must I be isolated and alone from everyone else?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY was there a prophecy saying I was born to die?! Why couldn’t JKR have made me less special?! It’s a fucking curse!
[At long last, the end of term arrives]
Ron: Harry, we’re going to the leaving feast!
Harry: I’ll catch up to you. My plot-relevant sense is tingling.
Ron: Fine, but we’ll start without you.
[Harry goes rummaging through his things, when suddenly he discovers Sirius’s present]
Harry: It’s…a mirror that Sirius gave me to contact him with! So…I could have used this mirror to check in on Sirius at any time, then?! Wow, I feel really, really stupid now! [Pause] Wait a minute…could it be that Sirius might still exist as a ghost?
[He roams the corridors until he runs into Nearly Headless Nick]
Nearly Headless Nick: Oh, it’s you. It’s about time someone remembered I was in this series!
Harry: So, anyway, you’re a ghost, right? I’ve lost a friend, see, and I was wondering if he might have come back as a ghost?
Nearly Headless Nick: I doubt it.
Harry: But why?
Nearly Headless Nick: Well death wouldn’t be nearly so final and important if just anyone could or would come back, now would it?
Harry: I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
Nearly Headless Nick: What kind of bad feeling?
Harry: A bad feeling…like this will be contradicted somehow by the end of things.
Nearly Headless Nick: That is a bad feeling. But, anyway, it’s actually pretty unusual for anyone to come back as a ghost.
Harry: Alright, then…can you at least tell me anything about what happens after we die?
Nearly Headless Nick: Nope. My old friend Eric Idle might be able to help, but I’m useless.
Harry: But you’re a ghost, dammit!
Nearly Headless Nick: Exactly. Because I chose to remain among the living as a ghost, I know no more about the secrets of death than you. There is, shall we say, a place where the living join the dead. This is not that place.
Harry: But…in the second book you threw an entire party based around the day you died! And now you’re telling me, that you’re not completely dead?!
Nearly Headless Nick: What, were you expecting narrative consistency from a series this long and with such a broken-up tone?
Harry: I don’t understand big words like that.
Nearly Headless Nick: Then stop debating death and loss with me!
Harry: Good idea. I’m just going to go off and mourn the suddenness and completeness of my friend’s death all by my lonesome. [Wanders off]
Nearly Headless Nick: Well that was depressing.
[Eventually, Harry comes across Luna]
Harry: Luna, Luna! Shouldn’t you be at the feast?
Luna: What, you think you’re the only one who likes to angst about your hard lot in life?
Harry: You’ve led a hard life? I never noticed a thing!
Luna: I’m just looking for my belongings. People steal them from me, see.
Harry: Why on earth would they do that?
Luna: Because I’m a loser. Or haven’t you noticed?
Harry: Wow! How terrible!
Luna: By the way, did I mention my mother died when I was just a little girl?
Harry: I can’t believe this is happening but I actually feel sorry for you!
Luna: Anyway, I’m convinced that she’s waiting for me behind that veil.
Harry: So you heard those voices too, then?
Luna: Wow, we have so much in common! Could this be a sign that you and I are meant to be?
Harry: Alas, I’m sure I’m destined to marry Ron’s little sister.
Luna: Right. Because I’m a Ravenclaw and therefore beneath your station, correct?
Harry: Alas.
Luna: Oh, well. I think I’ll go to the feast, now. This is getting boring.
Harry: Amen to that.
[The feast is uneventful, and before Harry knows it he’s on the train back home]
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, let’s ambush Harry! I can think of no way this could go wrong!
DA: Oh, no you don’t!
[All the DA members hex Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle until they turn into slugs]
Harry: Ahaha! That’s hilarious! I can think of no way leaving them like this might be dangerous to them! I’m just going to gallantly hide them away where nobody will ever think to look for them or help them!
[Sometime later, Cho walks past, accompanied by Marietta]
Harry: Ha ha ha! Marietta still has her face covered! Isn’t it great that she will likely never, ever recover from this?!
Ron: By the way, are you sad that going out with Cho didn’t work out.
Harry: Not really. How can I be sad about that when I’m so busy mourning the death of my totally superior Gryffindor godfather?*
Ron: Fair point, fair point.
Ginny: I heard she’s dating Michael Corner now.
Ron: But…but…weren’t you dating him?
Ginny: I used to be. Now I’ve decided that no puny Ravenclaw could ever be good enough for me, and so I decided to upgrade to Dean Thomas, who is a Gryffindor. He’s also black so I get to look racially tolerant!
Harry: You say that now. But I just know that one day you’ll come crawling to me, and then we’ll get married.
Ginny: Awww…and Dean Thomas is such a nice boy, too….
[The train arrives in King’s Cross…]
Harry: Oh, look—the Order’s here!
[Sure enough, all the named members of the Order are there, including Fred and George, who are wearing crazy clothes]
Ron: What the hell are Fred and George wearing?!
Fred: Oh, it’s just super-expensive stuff made out of the skin of a dragon. No doubt at least ten men died before these skins could be brought back!
Ron: Wow! It’s so wonderful having rich brothers!
[The Dursleys are also here]
Moody: We’ll just have a word with your evil abusive relatives on your behalf, Harry.
Harry: Hooray! My magical friends are sticking up for my poor, abused self!
Mr. Weasley: So, anyway, you abusive muggles you, if we hear that you’ve been abusing Harry we’ll make you very, very sorry.
Vernon: And…ah…how do you expect to find that out?
Lupin: We’re magic—we’ll find a way!
Vernon: I’m…I’m n-not af-fraid of m-magic!
Moody: Oh, really? [Shows off his enchanted eye]
Vernon: AAAAAAAGH!
Moody: I can do much worse than that if you continue to abuse poor innocent Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Vernon: Alright, alright, you’ve made your point! Can we go home now?!
Harry: Awwww….
[Harry and the Dursleys all go home]
*A/N: It’s funny he should say that considering Cho made him angry by mourning the death of Cedric in his presence earlier. So…it’s okay for Harry to be consumed by grief, but not Cho? Huh?
[Harry goes to visit Ron and Hermione in the hospital wing one day]
Hermione: Look, Harry—the Ministry believes you now!
Harry: Oh, good! One less thing for me to be a martyr over! By the way, Hermione, I’m sorry you got injured so badly you have to take then different potions every day to have any hope of healing! And Ron, I’m sorry that you now have scars from those evil brains! I hope you can forgive my recklessness!
Ron: Do we have a choice?
Harry: No!
Ron: You’re forgiven….
Luna: By the way, it was my father who sold them the story!
Hermione: Whatever, you Ravenclaw hipster.
Ginny: By the way, Professor Flitwick’s decided to remove most of Fred and George’s swamp, but still keep a small piece of it as a monument to them. I’m so glad to have two famous brothers!
Ron: Hey! I’m a secondary main character here!
Ginny: Yes but you haven’t said or done anything for at least two books!
Ron: Don’t remind me….
Ginny: By the way, what do you think of Umbridge being here?
Hermione: I don’t know what to make of it. What’s wrong with her, do you think?
Ginny: Umbrige, Umbridge! What did those centaurs end up doing to you?
Umbridge: I’d rather not talk about it.
Ron: I heard you’d developed a distaste for mushrooms?
Umbridge: Aaaaagh! Not the mushrooms!
Hermione: He he he…so, anyway, is Firenze still here, now that Professor Trevolrey’s reinstated?
Ginny: He has to be. I think they’re supposed to be teaching together.
Ron: I still don’t understand why that class is even offered as an elective, considering I haven’t learned anything of use since it began.
Hermione: Oh, Ron, you’re so stupid. Obviously it has something to do with the prophecies we found in the Department of Mysteries.
Ron: Oh, yeah. Like that one with Harry’s name on it. It’s a shame we didn’t hear what was inside it, right Harry?
[Harry stands up to leave]
Ron: Harry?
Harry: Oh, I just…ah…need to go and indulge in protracted angst alone for awhile.
Ron: You do that.
[But as he’s walking, he runs into Draco and his buddies!]
Draco: Aha! It’s you! You’re the one who sent my father to prison! I swear by God, you’ll pay!
Harry: Oh, please—I’m the main character and you are nothing but a slimy Slytherin whose father works for my worst enemy. There’s nothing you could do that would do anything more than vaguely inconvenience me.
Draco: I can try!
Harry: Even if you did, you’re evil so you’d be foiled and punished to my great amusement.
Draco: The only reason why you even succeeded in getting the Ministry to believe your story was because Dumbledore made them believe it! You didn’t do anything!
Harry: What?! You dare imply that I didn’t earn every last bit of my triumph at the Ministry?!
Draco: Yes! Exactly! You’re a lazy coward who relies entirely on other people to accomplish anything at all!
Harry: I dare you to say that again! [Draws wand]
Snape: What in the hell is going on here?!
Harry: Draco’s being mean to me, and I’m about to show him a lesson!
Snape: Oh, no you’re not! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Harry: Don’t make me laugh! We’ve got no more points to take away! I have nothing to lose anymore!
[McGonagall comes on the scene]
McGonagall: By the way, Harry, I’ve just returned from St. Mungo’s in the nick of time to award you and your friends each fifty points for being heroes again!
Harry: Hooray!
Snape: [Facepalm] Those ten points I took away still don’t make any difference….
[Harry goes outside, where he comes upon Hagrid’s hut]
Harry: Hagrid! You’re not bruised and cut up anymore!
Hagrid: Yeah, well…Grawp and I decided on a truce for the time being. By the way, I got the idea to find him a girlfriend! I haven’t told him about it, or anything, and he didn’t give me any reason to think he wanted one…but still, for his own good….
Harry: You’re hopeless….
[Harry continues on his walk]
Harry: It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and SIRIUS IS DEEEEEEEEAD! WHYYYYYYYYYY did he have to die?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY must I be isolated and alone from everyone else?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY was there a prophecy saying I was born to die?! Why couldn’t JKR have made me less special?! It’s a fucking curse!
[At long last, the end of term arrives]
Ron: Harry, we’re going to the leaving feast!
Harry: I’ll catch up to you. My plot-relevant sense is tingling.
Ron: Fine, but we’ll start without you.
[Harry goes rummaging through his things, when suddenly he discovers Sirius’s present]
Harry: It’s…a mirror that Sirius gave me to contact him with! So…I could have used this mirror to check in on Sirius at any time, then?! Wow, I feel really, really stupid now! [Pause] Wait a minute…could it be that Sirius might still exist as a ghost?
[He roams the corridors until he runs into Nearly Headless Nick]
Nearly Headless Nick: Oh, it’s you. It’s about time someone remembered I was in this series!
Harry: So, anyway, you’re a ghost, right? I’ve lost a friend, see, and I was wondering if he might have come back as a ghost?
Nearly Headless Nick: I doubt it.
Harry: But why?
Nearly Headless Nick: Well death wouldn’t be nearly so final and important if just anyone could or would come back, now would it?
Harry: I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
Nearly Headless Nick: What kind of bad feeling?
Harry: A bad feeling…like this will be contradicted somehow by the end of things.
Nearly Headless Nick: That is a bad feeling. But, anyway, it’s actually pretty unusual for anyone to come back as a ghost.
Harry: Alright, then…can you at least tell me anything about what happens after we die?
Nearly Headless Nick: Nope. My old friend Eric Idle might be able to help, but I’m useless.
Harry: But you’re a ghost, dammit!
Nearly Headless Nick: Exactly. Because I chose to remain among the living as a ghost, I know no more about the secrets of death than you. There is, shall we say, a place where the living join the dead. This is not that place.
Harry: But…in the second book you threw an entire party based around the day you died! And now you’re telling me, that you’re not completely dead?!
Nearly Headless Nick: What, were you expecting narrative consistency from a series this long and with such a broken-up tone?
Harry: I don’t understand big words like that.
Nearly Headless Nick: Then stop debating death and loss with me!
Harry: Good idea. I’m just going to go off and mourn the suddenness and completeness of my friend’s death all by my lonesome. [Wanders off]
Nearly Headless Nick: Well that was depressing.
[Eventually, Harry comes across Luna]
Harry: Luna, Luna! Shouldn’t you be at the feast?
Luna: What, you think you’re the only one who likes to angst about your hard lot in life?
Harry: You’ve led a hard life? I never noticed a thing!
Luna: I’m just looking for my belongings. People steal them from me, see.
Harry: Why on earth would they do that?
Luna: Because I’m a loser. Or haven’t you noticed?
Harry: Wow! How terrible!
Luna: By the way, did I mention my mother died when I was just a little girl?
Harry: I can’t believe this is happening but I actually feel sorry for you!
Luna: Anyway, I’m convinced that she’s waiting for me behind that veil.
Harry: So you heard those voices too, then?
Luna: Wow, we have so much in common! Could this be a sign that you and I are meant to be?
Harry: Alas, I’m sure I’m destined to marry Ron’s little sister.
Luna: Right. Because I’m a Ravenclaw and therefore beneath your station, correct?
Harry: Alas.
Luna: Oh, well. I think I’ll go to the feast, now. This is getting boring.
Harry: Amen to that.
[The feast is uneventful, and before Harry knows it he’s on the train back home]
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, let’s ambush Harry! I can think of no way this could go wrong!
DA: Oh, no you don’t!
[All the DA members hex Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle until they turn into slugs]
Harry: Ahaha! That’s hilarious! I can think of no way leaving them like this might be dangerous to them! I’m just going to gallantly hide them away where nobody will ever think to look for them or help them!
[Sometime later, Cho walks past, accompanied by Marietta]
Harry: Ha ha ha! Marietta still has her face covered! Isn’t it great that she will likely never, ever recover from this?!
Ron: By the way, are you sad that going out with Cho didn’t work out.
Harry: Not really. How can I be sad about that when I’m so busy mourning the death of my totally superior Gryffindor godfather?*
Ron: Fair point, fair point.
Ginny: I heard she’s dating Michael Corner now.
Ron: But…but…weren’t you dating him?
Ginny: I used to be. Now I’ve decided that no puny Ravenclaw could ever be good enough for me, and so I decided to upgrade to Dean Thomas, who is a Gryffindor. He’s also black so I get to look racially tolerant!
Harry: You say that now. But I just know that one day you’ll come crawling to me, and then we’ll get married.
Ginny: Awww…and Dean Thomas is such a nice boy, too….
[The train arrives in King’s Cross…]
Harry: Oh, look—the Order’s here!
[Sure enough, all the named members of the Order are there, including Fred and George, who are wearing crazy clothes]
Ron: What the hell are Fred and George wearing?!
Fred: Oh, it’s just super-expensive stuff made out of the skin of a dragon. No doubt at least ten men died before these skins could be brought back!
Ron: Wow! It’s so wonderful having rich brothers!
[The Dursleys are also here]
Moody: We’ll just have a word with your evil abusive relatives on your behalf, Harry.
Harry: Hooray! My magical friends are sticking up for my poor, abused self!
Mr. Weasley: So, anyway, you abusive muggles you, if we hear that you’ve been abusing Harry we’ll make you very, very sorry.
Vernon: And…ah…how do you expect to find that out?
Lupin: We’re magic—we’ll find a way!
Vernon: I’m…I’m n-not af-fraid of m-magic!
Moody: Oh, really? [Shows off his enchanted eye]
Vernon: AAAAAAAGH!
Moody: I can do much worse than that if you continue to abuse poor innocent Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Vernon: Alright, alright, you’ve made your point! Can we go home now?!
Harry: Awwww….
[Harry and the Dursleys all go home]
*A/N: It’s funny he should say that considering Cho made him angry by mourning the death of Cedric in his presence earlier. So…it’s okay for Harry to be consumed by grief, but not Cho? Huh?
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Date: 2015-04-26 07:49 pm (UTC)Of course Tom Riddle wasn’t thieving because he really wanted to own that yo-yo and mouth organ. He was doing it to prove that he could keep those loser orphans terrorized. Dumbledore telling him that bullying was not tolerated at Hogwarts wouldn’t have done any good in his case because Tommy was already a psychopath, but a more effective disciplinary policy might have helped victims like Luna and Severus whose attackers were merely spoiled, arrogant, or badly-behaved.