Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 10
May. 30th, 2015 11:07 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Harry continues to use the Half-Blood Prince’s book, which steers him right every time]
Harry: Once again, I succeed extravagantly through no effort on my part! Being the Chosen One is awesome!
Hermione: I can’t believe I’m getting lower grades following the official instructions than you are cheating!
Harry: By the way, I wonder sometimes who this Half-Blood Prince was. What was his name?
Hermione: You know, it might be a her.
Harry: But how many girls call themselves “Prince?”
Hermione: Maybe it was her last name?
[But before they can discuss the matter further, Harry has to go see Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: This is the part where I get to regale you with information about Voldemort, to convince you that he’s actually totally complex and interesting, really!
Harry: Well, it beats detention with Snape!
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah—about that. You still have to serve that detention. I’ve convinced him to switch it to next Saturday.
Harry: Fuuuuuuck.
Dumbledore: But, that’s neither here nor there. I hope that by giving you a ton of information about Voldemort’s childhood, family, and what he enjoys eating with his tea, I’ll better equip you to defend yourself against him!
Harry: Oh, lucky me.
Dumbledore: So for all this we need the Pensieve. [Fetches Pensieve] Now, this evening we’ll be looking into the memory of the late Bob Ogden, an old Ministry official many years before your time.
[Dumbledore pours Bob Ogden’s memory into the Pensieve, and he and Harry jump inside]
Bob Ogden: Ah, yes—Little Hangleton. Here we are—that snake on the doorpost is a giveaway that evil people live here! [Knocks on door]
[A very ugly man emerges from the door, takes one look at Bob Ogden, and blasts him in the nose with magic]
Bob Ogden: Ow! That’s not nice!
[A much older, but also very ugly, man then emerges]
Old man: Who the hell are you?
Bob Ogden: I’m Bob Ogden, of the Ministry of Magic. I would assume you are Mr. Gaunt?
Mr. Gaunt: Yes, I am. This is my son, Morfin [indicates ugly man]. Don’t bother speaking to him; he only speaks in Parseltongue.
Bob Ogden: Charmed, I’m sure. So, anyway, would you kindly let me in? I have something important to discuss.
Mr. Gaunt: Why should I let you in? Are you a pureblood?
Bob Ogden: What’s it to you? What I am is an important official. Now let me in.
Mr. Gaunt: Very well. Let’s get this over with. [Invites Bob Ogden inside]
Bob Ogden: Oh, look—there’s a woman back there. Who is she?
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, that’s just my daughter, Merope. Pay no attention to her—she’s nothing but window dressing.
Merope: Excuse me?! I’m the one who prepares all your meals!
Mr. Gaunt: I’m ignoring you.
Bob Ogden: So…anyway…I came to call about your son. It seems he attacked a muggle with magic.
Morfin: He deserved it anyway!
Bob Ogden: What?! Your father said you only spoke Parseltongue!
Morfin: That’s just something he says to scare annoying Ministry heads.
[Meanwhile, Merope has become so engrossed in the conversation she drops a pot, and when she tries to summon it with her wand, it breaks]
Mr. Gaunt: You’ll never amount to anything!
Merope: [Cries]
Bob Ogden: Don’t change the subject! I’m going to have to take your son in for performing magic in front of muggles!
Mr. Gaunt: But…but…you can’t take him in! I’ve got a fancy ring! [Brandishes a ring with a large, very dark stone, which he wears on his finger] See?! We’re famous!
Bob Ogden: I don’t even know what that ring means.
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, really? Well—do you recognize this?! [Runs over to Merope, grabs her by the locket she wears, and drags her over to Bob Ogden] This locket bears Salazar Slytherin’s own seal! See?! We’re related to the great Salazar Slytherin! Now do you understand how famous and special we are?!
Merope: Father, Father! I can’t breathe!
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, shut your face, woman!
Bob Ogden: Never mind the locket, and never mind the ring! Either way, you still broke the law! Your son assaulted a muggle and caused him to break out in hives!
Morfin: So what? Just remove them if they offend you. And wipe the muggle’s memory while you’re at it.
Bob Ogden: No, but seriously, you can’t just go around hexing muggles. You’re going to be taken to trial and face justice.
[But before anyone else can say anything more, they hear voices outside]
Woman’s voice: Don’t you get creeped out, living near that rickety old house?
Man’s voice: Yes, but it’s been there as long as I can remember. It’s just part of the landscape by now.
Morfin: Speak of the Devil—it’s the muggle! You’d know all about that muggle, right Merope?
Merope: I don’t know nothing about no muggle next door!
Morfin: Don’t make me laugh—you like that muggle man, don’t you?
Merope: No, not at all! What gives you that idea?!
Morfin: Honestly, why would you go for that muggle man when you have me?
Merope: Because you’re my brother, you idiot!
Morfin: Exactly!
Mr. Gaunt: Merope, how dare you?! I’ll get you for this!
Bob Ogden: Not if I can help it, you won’t! I’m reporting back to the Ministry of Magic immediately!
Dumbledore: Alright, that’s enough of that.
[He draws Harry out of the Pensieve]
Harry: So…ah…what happened next?
Dumbledore: Bob Ogden did come back with more Ministry officials, just then, and they arrested both Mr. Gaunt and his son. That was the last Merope ever saw of them. By the way, Mr. Gaunt’s first name was Marvolo. Hint hint.
Harry: Oh! So he was Voldemort’s grandfather, right? And that makes Merope his mother!
Dumbledore: There you are. Now you’re thinking. It would appear that insanity ran in that particular family. Blood will tell, and all that. By the way, that man Merope fancied? He was Tom Riddle senior.
Harry: Oh! That makes so much sense! But…how on earth did those two end up married?
Dumbledore: Well, Merope is a witch, right? Presumably she bewitched him with a love potion.
Harry: Wow, how terrible! …Wait, do you actually have any evidence of this?
Dumbledore: No, not a single shred! But come on—she was a descendant of slimy Slytherin. Is there any low to which they will not stoop?
Harry: Not likely.
Dumbledore: Yet several months after they were married, he had left her. Doubtless she stopped giving him the potion, in the hopes that he would stay for the baby’s sake.
Harry: Do you have any proof of this?
Dumbledore: Nope, not a single, solitary bit!
Harry: So how do you know it’s true?
Dumbledore: Because no alternative story exists, so I can make up whatever the hell I want, and you and everyone else will believe it because I’m so wise and clever and awesome.
Harry: So…does the public know about this already?
Dumbledore: Goodness, no! I don’t want you to tell anyone at all—except Ron and Hermione, if you must.
Harry: Yes, Sir!
[As Harry looks around the office, he notices the ring from the memory on a shelf]
Harry: Dumbledore, is that the same ring Marvolo had?!
Dumbledore: Yes it is! In fact, it’s the reason my hand is as injured as it is—but never mind that now. That’s a story for another day. Bwa ha ha.
Harry: Once again, I succeed extravagantly through no effort on my part! Being the Chosen One is awesome!
Hermione: I can’t believe I’m getting lower grades following the official instructions than you are cheating!
Harry: By the way, I wonder sometimes who this Half-Blood Prince was. What was his name?
Hermione: You know, it might be a her.
Harry: But how many girls call themselves “Prince?”
Hermione: Maybe it was her last name?
[But before they can discuss the matter further, Harry has to go see Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: This is the part where I get to regale you with information about Voldemort, to convince you that he’s actually totally complex and interesting, really!
Harry: Well, it beats detention with Snape!
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah—about that. You still have to serve that detention. I’ve convinced him to switch it to next Saturday.
Harry: Fuuuuuuck.
Dumbledore: But, that’s neither here nor there. I hope that by giving you a ton of information about Voldemort’s childhood, family, and what he enjoys eating with his tea, I’ll better equip you to defend yourself against him!
Harry: Oh, lucky me.
Dumbledore: So for all this we need the Pensieve. [Fetches Pensieve] Now, this evening we’ll be looking into the memory of the late Bob Ogden, an old Ministry official many years before your time.
[Dumbledore pours Bob Ogden’s memory into the Pensieve, and he and Harry jump inside]
Bob Ogden: Ah, yes—Little Hangleton. Here we are—that snake on the doorpost is a giveaway that evil people live here! [Knocks on door]
[A very ugly man emerges from the door, takes one look at Bob Ogden, and blasts him in the nose with magic]
Bob Ogden: Ow! That’s not nice!
[A much older, but also very ugly, man then emerges]
Old man: Who the hell are you?
Bob Ogden: I’m Bob Ogden, of the Ministry of Magic. I would assume you are Mr. Gaunt?
Mr. Gaunt: Yes, I am. This is my son, Morfin [indicates ugly man]. Don’t bother speaking to him; he only speaks in Parseltongue.
Bob Ogden: Charmed, I’m sure. So, anyway, would you kindly let me in? I have something important to discuss.
Mr. Gaunt: Why should I let you in? Are you a pureblood?
Bob Ogden: What’s it to you? What I am is an important official. Now let me in.
Mr. Gaunt: Very well. Let’s get this over with. [Invites Bob Ogden inside]
Bob Ogden: Oh, look—there’s a woman back there. Who is she?
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, that’s just my daughter, Merope. Pay no attention to her—she’s nothing but window dressing.
Merope: Excuse me?! I’m the one who prepares all your meals!
Mr. Gaunt: I’m ignoring you.
Bob Ogden: So…anyway…I came to call about your son. It seems he attacked a muggle with magic.
Morfin: He deserved it anyway!
Bob Ogden: What?! Your father said you only spoke Parseltongue!
Morfin: That’s just something he says to scare annoying Ministry heads.
[Meanwhile, Merope has become so engrossed in the conversation she drops a pot, and when she tries to summon it with her wand, it breaks]
Mr. Gaunt: You’ll never amount to anything!
Merope: [Cries]
Bob Ogden: Don’t change the subject! I’m going to have to take your son in for performing magic in front of muggles!
Mr. Gaunt: But…but…you can’t take him in! I’ve got a fancy ring! [Brandishes a ring with a large, very dark stone, which he wears on his finger] See?! We’re famous!
Bob Ogden: I don’t even know what that ring means.
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, really? Well—do you recognize this?! [Runs over to Merope, grabs her by the locket she wears, and drags her over to Bob Ogden] This locket bears Salazar Slytherin’s own seal! See?! We’re related to the great Salazar Slytherin! Now do you understand how famous and special we are?!
Merope: Father, Father! I can’t breathe!
Mr. Gaunt: Oh, shut your face, woman!
Bob Ogden: Never mind the locket, and never mind the ring! Either way, you still broke the law! Your son assaulted a muggle and caused him to break out in hives!
Morfin: So what? Just remove them if they offend you. And wipe the muggle’s memory while you’re at it.
Bob Ogden: No, but seriously, you can’t just go around hexing muggles. You’re going to be taken to trial and face justice.
[But before anyone else can say anything more, they hear voices outside]
Woman’s voice: Don’t you get creeped out, living near that rickety old house?
Man’s voice: Yes, but it’s been there as long as I can remember. It’s just part of the landscape by now.
Morfin: Speak of the Devil—it’s the muggle! You’d know all about that muggle, right Merope?
Merope: I don’t know nothing about no muggle next door!
Morfin: Don’t make me laugh—you like that muggle man, don’t you?
Merope: No, not at all! What gives you that idea?!
Morfin: Honestly, why would you go for that muggle man when you have me?
Merope: Because you’re my brother, you idiot!
Morfin: Exactly!
Mr. Gaunt: Merope, how dare you?! I’ll get you for this!
Bob Ogden: Not if I can help it, you won’t! I’m reporting back to the Ministry of Magic immediately!
Dumbledore: Alright, that’s enough of that.
[He draws Harry out of the Pensieve]
Harry: So…ah…what happened next?
Dumbledore: Bob Ogden did come back with more Ministry officials, just then, and they arrested both Mr. Gaunt and his son. That was the last Merope ever saw of them. By the way, Mr. Gaunt’s first name was Marvolo. Hint hint.
Harry: Oh! So he was Voldemort’s grandfather, right? And that makes Merope his mother!
Dumbledore: There you are. Now you’re thinking. It would appear that insanity ran in that particular family. Blood will tell, and all that. By the way, that man Merope fancied? He was Tom Riddle senior.
Harry: Oh! That makes so much sense! But…how on earth did those two end up married?
Dumbledore: Well, Merope is a witch, right? Presumably she bewitched him with a love potion.
Harry: Wow, how terrible! …Wait, do you actually have any evidence of this?
Dumbledore: No, not a single shred! But come on—she was a descendant of slimy Slytherin. Is there any low to which they will not stoop?
Harry: Not likely.
Dumbledore: Yet several months after they were married, he had left her. Doubtless she stopped giving him the potion, in the hopes that he would stay for the baby’s sake.
Harry: Do you have any proof of this?
Dumbledore: Nope, not a single, solitary bit!
Harry: So how do you know it’s true?
Dumbledore: Because no alternative story exists, so I can make up whatever the hell I want, and you and everyone else will believe it because I’m so wise and clever and awesome.
Harry: So…does the public know about this already?
Dumbledore: Goodness, no! I don’t want you to tell anyone at all—except Ron and Hermione, if you must.
Harry: Yes, Sir!
[As Harry looks around the office, he notices the ring from the memory on a shelf]
Harry: Dumbledore, is that the same ring Marvolo had?!
Dumbledore: Yes it is! In fact, it’s the reason my hand is as injured as it is—but never mind that now. That’s a story for another day. Bwa ha ha.
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Date: 2015-05-31 10:41 am (UTC)Or if his dad worked for the Ministry. Too bad the connections he tries to call on are Slytherin, and are therefore demonstrative of corruption, nepotism and prejudice, unlike when Gryffindors promote each other and their families. That's just blood telling, but in a good way.