Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 14
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Harry tells Ron and Hermione what he’s learned about Voldemort as they go to the greenhouses for Herbology]
Ron: I don’t understand why he wants you to know what the man was like as a boy. Can’t he just expect you to take it on faith that he was always an evil dick?
Hermione: Well…maybe he has a weakness that you’d overlook if you didn’t know what he was like as a boy.
Harry: Anyway, Slutborn had a party recently, right? What was it like?
Hermione: It was pretty fun. He introduced us to the famous quidditch player Gwenog Jones.
Ron: Oh, wow! That’s amazing!
Professor Sprout: Enough chitchat! Get to work!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, professor….
[They work for awhile…]
Hermione: Anyway, Harry, Slughorn invited you to his Christmas party and he said you absolutely must attend.
Ron: I don’t suppose he gave me a second thought?
Hermione: Nope, sorry. You’re still a loser.
Ron: You don’t have to remind me! [Cries] Hermione, are you going to leave me behind for that McLaggen person?
Hermione: Well…actually, they said you could bring guests, so I thought I’d invite you.
Ron: …What?
Hermione: Yes, I was. But if you’re not interested….
Ron: But I was interested!
Hermione: Spoken like my true future husband.
[To make matters worse, with Katie in the hospital wing Harry needs to find a second chaser]
Harry: Dean, Dean! You’re someone else I vaguely know and you like sports! Wanna be a chaser for our team?
Dean: If it’ll get me more screen time and attention, then yes.
Seamus: But you don’t even know how to play!
Dean: I can learn….
[Sure enough, Dean readily demonstrates previously-unknown skills at quidditch to the point of outclassing Ron, who has been on the team since last year]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! I am so bad at quidditch! Yes, I know I played quidditch last year and even helped secure a win for the team, but still, I am so! Bad! At! Quidditch that I just don’t know what I’ll do!
[He even hits Demelza Robbins in the face during one practice, he’s so nervious]
Ginny: How dare you attack her! Now you must pay the price!
Ron: Since when do you care about an injury to some stupid chaser you barely know?
Ginny: Clearly you underestimate the girl power of our friendship! Ah…what’s your name again?
Demelza: Oh, forget it!
[To make matters worse, on the way back to the common room Harry sees Dean and Ginny kissing!]
Harry: that asshole Dean! It’s like I’ve got a flaming chest monster inside me ready to jump out and eat them both alive!
Dean: Ginny, dear, Harry’s saying horrible things about us. Should we be scared of him?
Ginny: No—he’s always like that.
Ron: Seriously, though—don’t go kissing people where your brother can see it!
Ginny: Agh! I didn’t expect to see you here!
Dean: Ginny, this is awkward. Should we go somewhere else?
Ginny: You can if you want to. I want a word with these two.
Dean: Gladly. [Leaves]
Ginny: Ron, what on earth gives you the right to barge in on me like this!
Ron: I can’t just watch my own sister kissing someone who isn’t her destined man Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: I told you before, I don’t want a destined man! I’m happy with Dean Thomas!
Ron: That’s too fucking bad! You think I want to marry Hermione? No I don’t! But I’ll marry her anyway because that’s what the plot tells me to do! It’s the same with you—you’ll marry Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: You’re one to talk—a loser like you is lucky to have even a destined wife let alone one who’d actually like you for yourself!
Ron: I do so have someone who likes me for myself!
Ginny: …What now?
Ron: Yeah! Lavender Brown!
Ginny: Ahahaha! That’s absurd! You really expect me to believe that?! [Walks away laughing]
Ron: It’s true….
Harry: [Stifles giggles]
Ron: Not you too!
Mrs. Norris: I thought I heard voices out here in the corridor! You children go back to your rooms right now!
Harry: Aaagh! It’s Filch, Mr. Norris’s cat! We’d better get out of here!
[He and Ron run to the common room]
Harry: I just don’t understand why Ginny would ever date a side character like Dean when she has me.
[Ron is so pissed off at Dean that his skills as a keeper completely fail him for the next few practice sessions]
Ron: At this rate we don’t have a chance.
Harry: If only there was something I could do to boost your self-confidence. [Reflects for a moment] Come to think of it….
Ron: Harry what are you thinking?
Harry: I don’t have to tell you anything. Just shut up and do exactly what I say at breakfast tomorrow.
[The next morning Harry takes the small bottle of luck potion to breakfast]
Harry: [to self] How can I give Ron the self-confidence of this potion without giving him the potion? I know! [to Ron] Ron!
Ron: Yes, what is it?
Harry: Well, anyway, I was just wondering what it is you’d like to drink.
Ron: Oh, no preference.
Harry: Alright, then—I’ll just pour you a nice, ice-cold glass of pumpkin juice, seasoned with my own special—
Hermione: Oh, no you don’t! You’re putting something in his drink, aren’t you? Something illegal!
Harry: So what if I am? You’re the one who confounded McLaggen to get Ron on the team!
Hermione: That’s different! I do illegal things in a noble, studious way; you do them in a lazy, careless way. Therefore I’m allowed to break the law and you’re not!
Ron: That pumpkin juice looks awfully good, and I’m so thirsty…. I think I’ll just drink it no matter what it contains…. [Drinks juice]
[They go outside to see that the weather is perfect, and that Slytherin’s two best players are out of the game—including Draco!]
Ron: Hooray! Now I don’t have to have Draco breathing down my neck!
[They go out to the quidditch pitch….]
Zacharias Smith: Hello, Hogwarts! Remember me from last book? I’ll be commentating this match!
Harry: Eew, it’s that good-for-nothing Hufflepuff who doubted my awesomeness.
Zacharias Smith: I can’t help but notice that there are two Weasleys playing in completely different roles, which suggests that they’re only there because the captain favors them….
[But Ron blocks a lot of goals, and Ginny scores a lot]
Zacharias Smith: Or…maybe they are just that good. Huh. Aaand, now the Slytherin seeker has spotted the Snitch!
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch up to him straight away!
[Unfortunately the Slytherin seeker is much closer than he is]
Harry: Hey you slimy Slytherin seeker! I’ll bet the only reason why you’re on the team is because Draco paid for you to replace him!
Slytherin seeker: Fuck you! [Sticks up two fingers at Harry, losing track of the Snitch in the process]
[Harry subsequently captures the Snitch himself]
Harry: Hooray! We won with flying colors!
[Ginny then smashes into the podium where Zacharias Smith was standing, injuring him]
Ginny: That’ll teach you uppity Hufflepuff to say anything bad about our team or its captain!
[After the match, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up in the changing room]
Hermione: I still say you ought to be punished for spiking Ron’s drink!
Harry: I did no such thing! See? [Pulls out bottle, which is still tightly sealed] All I did was make Ron think he’d drunk it!
Ron: But why?
Harry: All so you could have self-confidence!
Ron: Oh, right! Sort-of like what happened in the last book! Except that then I won without you helping me…. Hey! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, well. Shall we go to the common room to celebrate, then?
Hermione: Go by yourself—I’ll catch up.
[Harry goes to the common room to find himself surrounded by the Creevey brothers and several girls]
Romilda Vane: So, anyway, are you going to invite me to Slutborn’s party?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: How about now?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: No!
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: Yes.
Romilda Vane: Really?!
Harry: NO!
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Come look at Ron!
[Harry follows Ginny to a corner where Ron is kissing Lavender Brown]
Ginny: So it’s not okay for me to kiss anyone but you—but it’s perfectly fine for him to kiss someone who isn’t Hermione? Hypocrite!
Harry: Yeah, you’re right about that.
[Harry steps outside the common room, finding Hermione in an unlocked classroom, practicing]
Hermione: Aren’t you a cute little bird? Who’s a good bird? You are! [Pets a number of small birds she conjured]
Harry: Oh, hello. What are you doing?
Hermione: I’m just practicing as far away from Ron as possible. That dirty manwhore, kissing a girl who isn’t me!
[Just then, Ron walks past, holding Lavender’s hand!]
Hermione: [Points at Ron] It’s you! Birds, attack that asshole!
[All the birds fly after Ron]
Ron and Lavender: AAAAAAAGH!
Ron: I don’t understand why he wants you to know what the man was like as a boy. Can’t he just expect you to take it on faith that he was always an evil dick?
Hermione: Well…maybe he has a weakness that you’d overlook if you didn’t know what he was like as a boy.
Harry: Anyway, Slutborn had a party recently, right? What was it like?
Hermione: It was pretty fun. He introduced us to the famous quidditch player Gwenog Jones.
Ron: Oh, wow! That’s amazing!
Professor Sprout: Enough chitchat! Get to work!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, professor….
[They work for awhile…]
Hermione: Anyway, Harry, Slughorn invited you to his Christmas party and he said you absolutely must attend.
Ron: I don’t suppose he gave me a second thought?
Hermione: Nope, sorry. You’re still a loser.
Ron: You don’t have to remind me! [Cries] Hermione, are you going to leave me behind for that McLaggen person?
Hermione: Well…actually, they said you could bring guests, so I thought I’d invite you.
Ron: …What?
Hermione: Yes, I was. But if you’re not interested….
Ron: But I was interested!
Hermione: Spoken like my true future husband.
[To make matters worse, with Katie in the hospital wing Harry needs to find a second chaser]
Harry: Dean, Dean! You’re someone else I vaguely know and you like sports! Wanna be a chaser for our team?
Dean: If it’ll get me more screen time and attention, then yes.
Seamus: But you don’t even know how to play!
Dean: I can learn….
[Sure enough, Dean readily demonstrates previously-unknown skills at quidditch to the point of outclassing Ron, who has been on the team since last year]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! I am so bad at quidditch! Yes, I know I played quidditch last year and even helped secure a win for the team, but still, I am so! Bad! At! Quidditch that I just don’t know what I’ll do!
[He even hits Demelza Robbins in the face during one practice, he’s so nervious]
Ginny: How dare you attack her! Now you must pay the price!
Ron: Since when do you care about an injury to some stupid chaser you barely know?
Ginny: Clearly you underestimate the girl power of our friendship! Ah…what’s your name again?
Demelza: Oh, forget it!
[To make matters worse, on the way back to the common room Harry sees Dean and Ginny kissing!]
Harry: that asshole Dean! It’s like I’ve got a flaming chest monster inside me ready to jump out and eat them both alive!
Dean: Ginny, dear, Harry’s saying horrible things about us. Should we be scared of him?
Ginny: No—he’s always like that.
Ron: Seriously, though—don’t go kissing people where your brother can see it!
Ginny: Agh! I didn’t expect to see you here!
Dean: Ginny, this is awkward. Should we go somewhere else?
Ginny: You can if you want to. I want a word with these two.
Dean: Gladly. [Leaves]
Ginny: Ron, what on earth gives you the right to barge in on me like this!
Ron: I can’t just watch my own sister kissing someone who isn’t her destined man Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: I told you before, I don’t want a destined man! I’m happy with Dean Thomas!
Ron: That’s too fucking bad! You think I want to marry Hermione? No I don’t! But I’ll marry her anyway because that’s what the plot tells me to do! It’s the same with you—you’ll marry Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: You’re one to talk—a loser like you is lucky to have even a destined wife let alone one who’d actually like you for yourself!
Ron: I do so have someone who likes me for myself!
Ginny: …What now?
Ron: Yeah! Lavender Brown!
Ginny: Ahahaha! That’s absurd! You really expect me to believe that?! [Walks away laughing]
Ron: It’s true….
Harry: [Stifles giggles]
Ron: Not you too!
Mrs. Norris: I thought I heard voices out here in the corridor! You children go back to your rooms right now!
Harry: Aaagh! It’s Filch, Mr. Norris’s cat! We’d better get out of here!
[He and Ron run to the common room]
Harry: I just don’t understand why Ginny would ever date a side character like Dean when she has me.
[Ron is so pissed off at Dean that his skills as a keeper completely fail him for the next few practice sessions]
Ron: At this rate we don’t have a chance.
Harry: If only there was something I could do to boost your self-confidence. [Reflects for a moment] Come to think of it….
Ron: Harry what are you thinking?
Harry: I don’t have to tell you anything. Just shut up and do exactly what I say at breakfast tomorrow.
[The next morning Harry takes the small bottle of luck potion to breakfast]
Harry: [to self] How can I give Ron the self-confidence of this potion without giving him the potion? I know! [to Ron] Ron!
Ron: Yes, what is it?
Harry: Well, anyway, I was just wondering what it is you’d like to drink.
Ron: Oh, no preference.
Harry: Alright, then—I’ll just pour you a nice, ice-cold glass of pumpkin juice, seasoned with my own special—
Hermione: Oh, no you don’t! You’re putting something in his drink, aren’t you? Something illegal!
Harry: So what if I am? You’re the one who confounded McLaggen to get Ron on the team!
Hermione: That’s different! I do illegal things in a noble, studious way; you do them in a lazy, careless way. Therefore I’m allowed to break the law and you’re not!
Ron: That pumpkin juice looks awfully good, and I’m so thirsty…. I think I’ll just drink it no matter what it contains…. [Drinks juice]
[They go outside to see that the weather is perfect, and that Slytherin’s two best players are out of the game—including Draco!]
Ron: Hooray! Now I don’t have to have Draco breathing down my neck!
[They go out to the quidditch pitch….]
Zacharias Smith: Hello, Hogwarts! Remember me from last book? I’ll be commentating this match!
Harry: Eew, it’s that good-for-nothing Hufflepuff who doubted my awesomeness.
Zacharias Smith: I can’t help but notice that there are two Weasleys playing in completely different roles, which suggests that they’re only there because the captain favors them….
[But Ron blocks a lot of goals, and Ginny scores a lot]
Zacharias Smith: Or…maybe they are just that good. Huh. Aaand, now the Slytherin seeker has spotted the Snitch!
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch up to him straight away!
[Unfortunately the Slytherin seeker is much closer than he is]
Harry: Hey you slimy Slytherin seeker! I’ll bet the only reason why you’re on the team is because Draco paid for you to replace him!
Slytherin seeker: Fuck you! [Sticks up two fingers at Harry, losing track of the Snitch in the process]
[Harry subsequently captures the Snitch himself]
Harry: Hooray! We won with flying colors!
[Ginny then smashes into the podium where Zacharias Smith was standing, injuring him]
Ginny: That’ll teach you uppity Hufflepuff to say anything bad about our team or its captain!
[After the match, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up in the changing room]
Hermione: I still say you ought to be punished for spiking Ron’s drink!
Harry: I did no such thing! See? [Pulls out bottle, which is still tightly sealed] All I did was make Ron think he’d drunk it!
Ron: But why?
Harry: All so you could have self-confidence!
Ron: Oh, right! Sort-of like what happened in the last book! Except that then I won without you helping me…. Hey! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, well. Shall we go to the common room to celebrate, then?
Hermione: Go by yourself—I’ll catch up.
[Harry goes to the common room to find himself surrounded by the Creevey brothers and several girls]
Romilda Vane: So, anyway, are you going to invite me to Slutborn’s party?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: How about now?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: No!
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: Yes.
Romilda Vane: Really?!
Harry: NO!
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Come look at Ron!
[Harry follows Ginny to a corner where Ron is kissing Lavender Brown]
Ginny: So it’s not okay for me to kiss anyone but you—but it’s perfectly fine for him to kiss someone who isn’t Hermione? Hypocrite!
Harry: Yeah, you’re right about that.
[Harry steps outside the common room, finding Hermione in an unlocked classroom, practicing]
Hermione: Aren’t you a cute little bird? Who’s a good bird? You are! [Pets a number of small birds she conjured]
Harry: Oh, hello. What are you doing?
Hermione: I’m just practicing as far away from Ron as possible. That dirty manwhore, kissing a girl who isn’t me!
[Just then, Ron walks past, holding Lavender’s hand!]
Hermione: [Points at Ron] It’s you! Birds, attack that asshole!
[All the birds fly after Ron]
Ron and Lavender: AAAAAAAGH!
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