Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 14
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Harry tells Ron and Hermione what he’s learned about Voldemort as they go to the greenhouses for Herbology]
Ron: I don’t understand why he wants you to know what the man was like as a boy. Can’t he just expect you to take it on faith that he was always an evil dick?
Hermione: Well…maybe he has a weakness that you’d overlook if you didn’t know what he was like as a boy.
Harry: Anyway, Slutborn had a party recently, right? What was it like?
Hermione: It was pretty fun. He introduced us to the famous quidditch player Gwenog Jones.
Ron: Oh, wow! That’s amazing!
Professor Sprout: Enough chitchat! Get to work!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, professor….
[They work for awhile…]
Hermione: Anyway, Harry, Slughorn invited you to his Christmas party and he said you absolutely must attend.
Ron: I don’t suppose he gave me a second thought?
Hermione: Nope, sorry. You’re still a loser.
Ron: You don’t have to remind me! [Cries] Hermione, are you going to leave me behind for that McLaggen person?
Hermione: Well…actually, they said you could bring guests, so I thought I’d invite you.
Ron: …What?
Hermione: Yes, I was. But if you’re not interested….
Ron: But I was interested!
Hermione: Spoken like my true future husband.
[To make matters worse, with Katie in the hospital wing Harry needs to find a second chaser]
Harry: Dean, Dean! You’re someone else I vaguely know and you like sports! Wanna be a chaser for our team?
Dean: If it’ll get me more screen time and attention, then yes.
Seamus: But you don’t even know how to play!
Dean: I can learn….
[Sure enough, Dean readily demonstrates previously-unknown skills at quidditch to the point of outclassing Ron, who has been on the team since last year]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! I am so bad at quidditch! Yes, I know I played quidditch last year and even helped secure a win for the team, but still, I am so! Bad! At! Quidditch that I just don’t know what I’ll do!
[He even hits Demelza Robbins in the face during one practice, he’s so nervious]
Ginny: How dare you attack her! Now you must pay the price!
Ron: Since when do you care about an injury to some stupid chaser you barely know?
Ginny: Clearly you underestimate the girl power of our friendship! Ah…what’s your name again?
Demelza: Oh, forget it!
[To make matters worse, on the way back to the common room Harry sees Dean and Ginny kissing!]
Harry: that asshole Dean! It’s like I’ve got a flaming chest monster inside me ready to jump out and eat them both alive!
Dean: Ginny, dear, Harry’s saying horrible things about us. Should we be scared of him?
Ginny: No—he’s always like that.
Ron: Seriously, though—don’t go kissing people where your brother can see it!
Ginny: Agh! I didn’t expect to see you here!
Dean: Ginny, this is awkward. Should we go somewhere else?
Ginny: You can if you want to. I want a word with these two.
Dean: Gladly. [Leaves]
Ginny: Ron, what on earth gives you the right to barge in on me like this!
Ron: I can’t just watch my own sister kissing someone who isn’t her destined man Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: I told you before, I don’t want a destined man! I’m happy with Dean Thomas!
Ron: That’s too fucking bad! You think I want to marry Hermione? No I don’t! But I’ll marry her anyway because that’s what the plot tells me to do! It’s the same with you—you’ll marry Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: You’re one to talk—a loser like you is lucky to have even a destined wife let alone one who’d actually like you for yourself!
Ron: I do so have someone who likes me for myself!
Ginny: …What now?
Ron: Yeah! Lavender Brown!
Ginny: Ahahaha! That’s absurd! You really expect me to believe that?! [Walks away laughing]
Ron: It’s true….
Harry: [Stifles giggles]
Ron: Not you too!
Mrs. Norris: I thought I heard voices out here in the corridor! You children go back to your rooms right now!
Harry: Aaagh! It’s Filch, Mr. Norris’s cat! We’d better get out of here!
[He and Ron run to the common room]
Harry: I just don’t understand why Ginny would ever date a side character like Dean when she has me.
[Ron is so pissed off at Dean that his skills as a keeper completely fail him for the next few practice sessions]
Ron: At this rate we don’t have a chance.
Harry: If only there was something I could do to boost your self-confidence. [Reflects for a moment] Come to think of it….
Ron: Harry what are you thinking?
Harry: I don’t have to tell you anything. Just shut up and do exactly what I say at breakfast tomorrow.
[The next morning Harry takes the small bottle of luck potion to breakfast]
Harry: [to self] How can I give Ron the self-confidence of this potion without giving him the potion? I know! [to Ron] Ron!
Ron: Yes, what is it?
Harry: Well, anyway, I was just wondering what it is you’d like to drink.
Ron: Oh, no preference.
Harry: Alright, then—I’ll just pour you a nice, ice-cold glass of pumpkin juice, seasoned with my own special—
Hermione: Oh, no you don’t! You’re putting something in his drink, aren’t you? Something illegal!
Harry: So what if I am? You’re the one who confounded McLaggen to get Ron on the team!
Hermione: That’s different! I do illegal things in a noble, studious way; you do them in a lazy, careless way. Therefore I’m allowed to break the law and you’re not!
Ron: That pumpkin juice looks awfully good, and I’m so thirsty…. I think I’ll just drink it no matter what it contains…. [Drinks juice]
[They go outside to see that the weather is perfect, and that Slytherin’s two best players are out of the game—including Draco!]
Ron: Hooray! Now I don’t have to have Draco breathing down my neck!
[They go out to the quidditch pitch….]
Zacharias Smith: Hello, Hogwarts! Remember me from last book? I’ll be commentating this match!
Harry: Eew, it’s that good-for-nothing Hufflepuff who doubted my awesomeness.
Zacharias Smith: I can’t help but notice that there are two Weasleys playing in completely different roles, which suggests that they’re only there because the captain favors them….
[But Ron blocks a lot of goals, and Ginny scores a lot]
Zacharias Smith: Or…maybe they are just that good. Huh. Aaand, now the Slytherin seeker has spotted the Snitch!
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch up to him straight away!
[Unfortunately the Slytherin seeker is much closer than he is]
Harry: Hey you slimy Slytherin seeker! I’ll bet the only reason why you’re on the team is because Draco paid for you to replace him!
Slytherin seeker: Fuck you! [Sticks up two fingers at Harry, losing track of the Snitch in the process]
[Harry subsequently captures the Snitch himself]
Harry: Hooray! We won with flying colors!
[Ginny then smashes into the podium where Zacharias Smith was standing, injuring him]
Ginny: That’ll teach you uppity Hufflepuff to say anything bad about our team or its captain!
[After the match, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up in the changing room]
Hermione: I still say you ought to be punished for spiking Ron’s drink!
Harry: I did no such thing! See? [Pulls out bottle, which is still tightly sealed] All I did was make Ron think he’d drunk it!
Ron: But why?
Harry: All so you could have self-confidence!
Ron: Oh, right! Sort-of like what happened in the last book! Except that then I won without you helping me…. Hey! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, well. Shall we go to the common room to celebrate, then?
Hermione: Go by yourself—I’ll catch up.
[Harry goes to the common room to find himself surrounded by the Creevey brothers and several girls]
Romilda Vane: So, anyway, are you going to invite me to Slutborn’s party?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: How about now?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: No!
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: Yes.
Romilda Vane: Really?!
Harry: NO!
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Come look at Ron!
[Harry follows Ginny to a corner where Ron is kissing Lavender Brown]
Ginny: So it’s not okay for me to kiss anyone but you—but it’s perfectly fine for him to kiss someone who isn’t Hermione? Hypocrite!
Harry: Yeah, you’re right about that.
[Harry steps outside the common room, finding Hermione in an unlocked classroom, practicing]
Hermione: Aren’t you a cute little bird? Who’s a good bird? You are! [Pets a number of small birds she conjured]
Harry: Oh, hello. What are you doing?
Hermione: I’m just practicing as far away from Ron as possible. That dirty manwhore, kissing a girl who isn’t me!
[Just then, Ron walks past, holding Lavender’s hand!]
Hermione: [Points at Ron] It’s you! Birds, attack that asshole!
[All the birds fly after Ron]
Ron and Lavender: AAAAAAAGH!
Ron: I don’t understand why he wants you to know what the man was like as a boy. Can’t he just expect you to take it on faith that he was always an evil dick?
Hermione: Well…maybe he has a weakness that you’d overlook if you didn’t know what he was like as a boy.
Harry: Anyway, Slutborn had a party recently, right? What was it like?
Hermione: It was pretty fun. He introduced us to the famous quidditch player Gwenog Jones.
Ron: Oh, wow! That’s amazing!
Professor Sprout: Enough chitchat! Get to work!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, professor….
[They work for awhile…]
Hermione: Anyway, Harry, Slughorn invited you to his Christmas party and he said you absolutely must attend.
Ron: I don’t suppose he gave me a second thought?
Hermione: Nope, sorry. You’re still a loser.
Ron: You don’t have to remind me! [Cries] Hermione, are you going to leave me behind for that McLaggen person?
Hermione: Well…actually, they said you could bring guests, so I thought I’d invite you.
Ron: …What?
Hermione: Yes, I was. But if you’re not interested….
Ron: But I was interested!
Hermione: Spoken like my true future husband.
[To make matters worse, with Katie in the hospital wing Harry needs to find a second chaser]
Harry: Dean, Dean! You’re someone else I vaguely know and you like sports! Wanna be a chaser for our team?
Dean: If it’ll get me more screen time and attention, then yes.
Seamus: But you don’t even know how to play!
Dean: I can learn….
[Sure enough, Dean readily demonstrates previously-unknown skills at quidditch to the point of outclassing Ron, who has been on the team since last year]
Ron: Oh, woe is me! I am so bad at quidditch! Yes, I know I played quidditch last year and even helped secure a win for the team, but still, I am so! Bad! At! Quidditch that I just don’t know what I’ll do!
[He even hits Demelza Robbins in the face during one practice, he’s so nervious]
Ginny: How dare you attack her! Now you must pay the price!
Ron: Since when do you care about an injury to some stupid chaser you barely know?
Ginny: Clearly you underestimate the girl power of our friendship! Ah…what’s your name again?
Demelza: Oh, forget it!
[To make matters worse, on the way back to the common room Harry sees Dean and Ginny kissing!]
Harry: that asshole Dean! It’s like I’ve got a flaming chest monster inside me ready to jump out and eat them both alive!
Dean: Ginny, dear, Harry’s saying horrible things about us. Should we be scared of him?
Ginny: No—he’s always like that.
Ron: Seriously, though—don’t go kissing people where your brother can see it!
Ginny: Agh! I didn’t expect to see you here!
Dean: Ginny, this is awkward. Should we go somewhere else?
Ginny: You can if you want to. I want a word with these two.
Dean: Gladly. [Leaves]
Ginny: Ron, what on earth gives you the right to barge in on me like this!
Ron: I can’t just watch my own sister kissing someone who isn’t her destined man Harry!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: I told you before, I don’t want a destined man! I’m happy with Dean Thomas!
Ron: That’s too fucking bad! You think I want to marry Hermione? No I don’t! But I’ll marry her anyway because that’s what the plot tells me to do! It’s the same with you—you’ll marry Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: You’re one to talk—a loser like you is lucky to have even a destined wife let alone one who’d actually like you for yourself!
Ron: I do so have someone who likes me for myself!
Ginny: …What now?
Ron: Yeah! Lavender Brown!
Ginny: Ahahaha! That’s absurd! You really expect me to believe that?! [Walks away laughing]
Ron: It’s true….
Harry: [Stifles giggles]
Ron: Not you too!
Mrs. Norris: I thought I heard voices out here in the corridor! You children go back to your rooms right now!
Harry: Aaagh! It’s Filch, Mr. Norris’s cat! We’d better get out of here!
[He and Ron run to the common room]
Harry: I just don’t understand why Ginny would ever date a side character like Dean when she has me.
[Ron is so pissed off at Dean that his skills as a keeper completely fail him for the next few practice sessions]
Ron: At this rate we don’t have a chance.
Harry: If only there was something I could do to boost your self-confidence. [Reflects for a moment] Come to think of it….
Ron: Harry what are you thinking?
Harry: I don’t have to tell you anything. Just shut up and do exactly what I say at breakfast tomorrow.
[The next morning Harry takes the small bottle of luck potion to breakfast]
Harry: [to self] How can I give Ron the self-confidence of this potion without giving him the potion? I know! [to Ron] Ron!
Ron: Yes, what is it?
Harry: Well, anyway, I was just wondering what it is you’d like to drink.
Ron: Oh, no preference.
Harry: Alright, then—I’ll just pour you a nice, ice-cold glass of pumpkin juice, seasoned with my own special—
Hermione: Oh, no you don’t! You’re putting something in his drink, aren’t you? Something illegal!
Harry: So what if I am? You’re the one who confounded McLaggen to get Ron on the team!
Hermione: That’s different! I do illegal things in a noble, studious way; you do them in a lazy, careless way. Therefore I’m allowed to break the law and you’re not!
Ron: That pumpkin juice looks awfully good, and I’m so thirsty…. I think I’ll just drink it no matter what it contains…. [Drinks juice]
[They go outside to see that the weather is perfect, and that Slytherin’s two best players are out of the game—including Draco!]
Ron: Hooray! Now I don’t have to have Draco breathing down my neck!
[They go out to the quidditch pitch….]
Zacharias Smith: Hello, Hogwarts! Remember me from last book? I’ll be commentating this match!
Harry: Eew, it’s that good-for-nothing Hufflepuff who doubted my awesomeness.
Zacharias Smith: I can’t help but notice that there are two Weasleys playing in completely different roles, which suggests that they’re only there because the captain favors them….
[But Ron blocks a lot of goals, and Ginny scores a lot]
Zacharias Smith: Or…maybe they are just that good. Huh. Aaand, now the Slytherin seeker has spotted the Snitch!
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch up to him straight away!
[Unfortunately the Slytherin seeker is much closer than he is]
Harry: Hey you slimy Slytherin seeker! I’ll bet the only reason why you’re on the team is because Draco paid for you to replace him!
Slytherin seeker: Fuck you! [Sticks up two fingers at Harry, losing track of the Snitch in the process]
[Harry subsequently captures the Snitch himself]
Harry: Hooray! We won with flying colors!
[Ginny then smashes into the podium where Zacharias Smith was standing, injuring him]
Ginny: That’ll teach you uppity Hufflepuff to say anything bad about our team or its captain!
[After the match, Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet up in the changing room]
Hermione: I still say you ought to be punished for spiking Ron’s drink!
Harry: I did no such thing! See? [Pulls out bottle, which is still tightly sealed] All I did was make Ron think he’d drunk it!
Ron: But why?
Harry: All so you could have self-confidence!
Ron: Oh, right! Sort-of like what happened in the last book! Except that then I won without you helping me…. Hey! [Leaves]
Harry: Oh, well. Shall we go to the common room to celebrate, then?
Hermione: Go by yourself—I’ll catch up.
[Harry goes to the common room to find himself surrounded by the Creevey brothers and several girls]
Romilda Vane: So, anyway, are you going to invite me to Slutborn’s party?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: How about now?
Harry: No.
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: No!
Romilda Vane: Now?
Harry: Yes.
Romilda Vane: Really?!
Harry: NO!
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Come look at Ron!
[Harry follows Ginny to a corner where Ron is kissing Lavender Brown]
Ginny: So it’s not okay for me to kiss anyone but you—but it’s perfectly fine for him to kiss someone who isn’t Hermione? Hypocrite!
Harry: Yeah, you’re right about that.
[Harry steps outside the common room, finding Hermione in an unlocked classroom, practicing]
Hermione: Aren’t you a cute little bird? Who’s a good bird? You are! [Pets a number of small birds she conjured]
Harry: Oh, hello. What are you doing?
Hermione: I’m just practicing as far away from Ron as possible. That dirty manwhore, kissing a girl who isn’t me!
[Just then, Ron walks past, holding Lavender’s hand!]
Hermione: [Points at Ron] It’s you! Birds, attack that asshole!
[All the birds fly after Ron]
Ron and Lavender: AAAAAAAGH!
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Date: 2015-06-10 07:31 am (UTC)Like almost everything else about this series, that makes no sense. Has she never heard of the concept of "fighting words"? For example, England has a long tradition of men beating up other men who say derogatory things about their women. Then there are the people who've killed themselves because they were verbally bullied. Heck, she's on the record as not just saying it's important to counter anti-gay hate speech, but actually doing it herself. That's not even to consider the idiocy of a professional writer pretending words are unimportant and gutless. Which brings us back to my original point about JKR being incapable of reasoning to a conclusion.
Physical attack is brave because you’re actively putting yourself at risk of a black eye or a broken nose
Yeah, tell that to all the people who end up in the hospital after being "bravely" attacked by their romantic partners, parents, or other acquaintances.