Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 29

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Harry: I just can’t believe my angel is dead! He’s really, truly, completely dead! [Cries]

Hagrid: Harry, there’s still two chapters of this book left. Isn’t there something else you should be doing?

Harry: What could possibly be more important than mourning the loss of my precious angel Dumbledore?!

Ginny: Harry, will you listen to me if I tell you to come back to the castle?

Harry: Ginny, my sweet? Is that you?

Ginny: Yes it is.

Harry: Then I will obey.

[They go to the hospital wing]

Ginny: By the way, you’ll be pleased to know that everyone you care about survived the battle, thanks to that deus ex machine potion you gave us. Bill got badly scarred by the Death Eaters’ werewolf friend, but he’s alive.

Harry: Everyone I care about EXCEPT DUMBLEDORE you mean?

Ginny: If that’s how you want to put it.

[At the hospital wing, they find everyone standing around Bill’s bed]

Harry: Will Bill be a werewolf now?

Lupin: I don’t think he will, since Fenrir Greyback wasn’t transformed when he bit him. But I don’t know. This is really quite unprecedented.

Harry: You know what else is unprecedented?! Dumbledore is dead!

Lupin: Dumbledore is dead? I had no idea!

Harry: In fact, SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!

Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooileeeeeer aleeeeeeeert!

McGonagall: I thought I’d come to check on everyone.

Harry: McGonagall, McGonagall! SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!

Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeer!

McGonagall: Oh, no! This is terrible! I never though Snape would do such a thing!

Lupin: Harry, maybe you were right for repeatedly warning us about how evil he was.

Harry: Damn right I was! He’s been lying to you all along, I know he was! Why, the only reason Dumbledore trusted him was that he said he was sorry about my parents’ death! But I know he hated my father and disparaged my mother for being a mudblood!

McGonagall: Be that as it may…what I’m curious about is, how did the Death Eaters ever enter the castle?

Harry: It was a Vanishing Cabinet! There’s one in the Room of Requirement!

Ron: Yes, I remember following him to that room, but he used Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to stop us coming closer! I can’t believe my brothers would sell to that awful Slytherin.

Hermione: Really, Harry, this is all Luna’s and my fault—Snape told us to care for Professor Flitwick while he went off to fight the Death Eaters. Clearly all he was trying to do was distract us so he could go up and kill Dumbledore.

Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!

[Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]

Mrs. Weasley: Aaaagh! What’s happened to my precious son’s face?!

Mr. Weasley: Harry, Harry, is it true that Snape killed Dumbledore?

Fawkes: [singing] Thaaaaaaar be spooooooileeeeeeeeers!

Harry: Yes it is.

Mrs. Weasley: I just don’t know how Bill will ever marry now! Will that stupid French girl even like him anymore now that he’s no longer beautiful?

Fleur: I’m right here!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh. Hello, there.

Fleur: As a matter of fact, I do still love him, and I fully expect that he will still love me. He’ll always be handsome to me.

Mrs. Weasley: Am I being schooled on love and acceptance by a French bimbo?

Fleur: I’m right here!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, so you are. Ahem, well, anyway, now that you’ve proven that you will stand by my son even if he is no longer beautiful you have my undying love and support. I am happy to let you marry him.

Fleur: It’s about damn time.

Tonks: Fleur promises to stand by her man no matter what, even if he’s been scarred by a werewolf. So in conclusion, Lupin and I should get married!

Lupin: What?! But I’m old enough to be your father!

Tonks: But you’re the only one in my circle who’s eligible to marry me! And I must make a baby to leave behind as an orphan in the last book!

Lupin: What a horrible thing to even suggest!

Tonks: Alas, that is my fate as a minor character in this series.

Lupin: Maybe the author’s just doing reverse psychology and is telling you to do this so you won’t?

Tonks: No, this is an order straight from the top.

Lupin: That’s horrible! I feel so sorry for you that I have to marry you!

Tonks: We can commiserate together.

McGonagall: Well, while all the characters the readers are supposed to care about are getting married to bluntly force the point that happiness can come about even in hard times, I am off to do the actual work of cleaning up this school! Harry, come with me!

Harry: But…but…all I want to do is sit and mourn the death of my angel Dumbledore!

McGonagall: Come with me now! That’s an order!

Harry: You’re mean!

[But he follows McGonagall to Dumbledore’s old office]

McGonagall: Now, I want you to tell me what it is you and Dumbledore were doing last night.

Harry: That’s none of your business! Dumbledore told me never to tell you anything about what we were doing!

McGonagall: But Dumbledore’s dead. There are other factors to consider—

Harry: Just because Dumbledore’s dead doesn’t give me the right to disobey his orders! I will follow them to the grave if I must!

McGonagall: That’s only going to make things difficult for yourself.

Harry: I don’t care! I trust Dumbledore implicitly and will follow his orders right up to the last!

McGonagall: Well…is there anything at all you’d be prepared to tell me?

Harry: Well…it just so happens that the Death Eaters have Madame Rosmerta under the Imperius curse. That’s how so much poisoned stuff has been getting to us.

[Just then, the heads of house, and Hagrid, arrive]

Portrait: Headmistress, the Minister of Magic will be here soon!

McGonagall: God help us all. [to heads of houses] So…do you think the school should close?

Professor Sprout: No! Dumbledore would have wanted it to stay open!

Slughorn: But do we know that families will want their children at school after this?

McGonagall: You do have a point, Slughorn. This is worse than the incident with the Chamber of Secrets, and I did consider closing the school after that happened.

Professor Flitwick: Maybe we should reevaluate once we’ve met with the Minister?

McGonagall: What about you, Hagrid? Do you have anything to add?

Hagrid: I don’t understand such complex concepts as closing the school! What could I contribute to this discussion? Look at me! I’ve lost an arm and a leg and a few other appendages, and I have a giant spider’s leg around my neck! You can’t tell me you still take me seriously after all that!

McGonagall: [stifles giggles] Well…we want to give everyone’s opinion a fair and equal shot.

Hagrid: Well…it’s hard for me to imagine a Hogwarts without Dumbledore is all!

McGonagall: For once you’re making sense, Hagrid.

Harry: McGonagall, what will happen to Dumbledore’s body?

McGonagall: Well, he’ll be buried, most likely at Hogwarts—because after all, to all intents and purposes he was Hogwarts.

Harry: I say we give all the students a chance to attend his funeral so they can say good-bye!

Heads of house: Agreed!


[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]

McGonagall: Harry, it’s time you were gone.

Harry: Good idea! [Leaves]

Scrimgeour: Oh, come on! I’m unarmed!

[Harry returns to his dormitory, where Ron is sitting]

Ron: So, did you find a Horcrux, after all that?

Harry: No! This stupid locket is fake! The only clue we have as to where the real one is are the initials RAB!

Ron: Regulus A. Black, perhaps?

Harry: Oh, please! That would be far too convenient!

[Harry and Ron sit silently for a moment]

Harry: I’ve just noticed: Dumbledore’s Phoenix seems to have disappeared. Let’s see…. Snape killed Dumbledore!

[Silence]

Harry: I’ll try this again. Snape killed Dumbledore!

[Silence]

Harry: I suppose the Phoenix has died of grief over the loss of his master.

[Meanwhile…]

Fawkes: Hooray! That horrible human is dead! It is time I returned to my homeland in China! I heard there’s a snake who escaped from London some years ago who knows the way!

[And Fawkes flies off into the sunset]

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Mrs. Weasley: I just don’t know how Bill will ever marry now! Will that stupid French girl even like him anymore now that he’s no longer beautiful?/

Her son’s been brutally attacked and one of the first things she thinks is, “Oh, well, at least that awful French woman won’t want to marry him now.” How classy.

/Tonks: Fleur promises to stand by her man no matter what, even if he’s been scarred by a werewolf. So in conclusion, Lupin and I should get married!/

Speaking of “classy” women…

/Tonks: Alas, that is my fate as a minor character in this series./

Tonks: Since our author didn’t know what else to do with me. Like, say, using my shapeshifting ability to lure Voldemort into a trap or find out more information about his plans.

/Harry: That’s none of your business! Dumbledore told me never to tell you anything about what we were doing!/

Yes, Minerva, even though you’ve served Dumbledore faithfully all these years, both in school and in the war effort, you still can’t be allowed to know anything about his plans. Because…?

/[And Fawkes flies off into the sunset]/

Yay! Did he also run into Crookshanks, by any chance? ;)

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I’m under the impression JKR inserted Tonks into the story because people were complaining about the small number of interesting female characters in the series. Then she didn’t know what to do with her. It turns out Tonks’s only purpose was to demonstrate that love affects one’s Patronus, thereby setting us up for Snape’s symbolic silver doe. And to produce a baby Marauder and die, setting Harry up with a symbolic orphan.

Clearly, women are important for only two things: love and babies. It reminds me of Isaac Asimov saying that he didn’t have female characters in his stories because he didn’t write about romance—as if that’s the only reason for females to exist. Considering his era and background, I can forgive Asimov a lot more easily than JKR.

I always thought someone should have advised Asimov to write his stories as usual with all men, then put the names of all the characters into a hat and pull out a couple at random. He could make those characters women without changing anything except names and pronouns, and everyone would rave about his realistic women characters. Women are human beings, people! Just write ’em that way!

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Clearly, women are important for only two things: love and babies./

Well, Hermione, Minerva, Bellatrix, Umbridge and others are examples of major female characters who aren’t solely determined by either of those things, but I guess that this is referring to Tonks’ function?

/It reminds me of Isaac Asimov saying that he didn’t have female characters in his stories because he didn’t write about romance—as if that’s the only reason for females to exist./

And that’s not even true! I’ve only read a few of his stories, but one of the main characters in “The Mule” was a woman…whom the Mule cared for/possibly was attracted to and that’s why his plan was foiled in the end…but who also was trying to defeat the Mule with her husband and who ultimately figured him out. Yes, she was someone’s wife and someone that the antagonist liked, but that’s not all she was!

/Considering his era and background, I can forgive Asimov a lot more easily than JKR./

Well, I’ve seen a few critics who haven’t cut him as much slack. One of them pointed out that some of his sci-fi contemporaries *were* women (such as C.L. Moore, Leigh Brackett, etc.) and since he apparently had the vision and creativity to imagine all of these detailed governments and technology in the future, would it really be so much of a stretch for him to picture a world in which women had more say?

/I always thought someone should have advised Asimov to write his stories as usual with all men, then put the names of all the characters into a hat and pull out a couple at random. He could make those characters women without changing anything except names and pronouns, and everyone would rave about his realistic women characters. Women are human beings, people! Just write ’em that way!/

Yes, exactly! That’s what happened with Ripley in “Alien” and Angelina Jolie’s character in “Salt.” (Or vice versa, with Luke Skywalker: http://exonauts.blogspot.com/2010/06/interstellar-inspiration-from.html)

Of course you’ll still get those people who use that obnoxious phrase “men with breasts” (because obviously if a female character isn’t fretting about babies or men, doesn’t care for stereotypically feminine things, and is skilled and stoic, you’re ignoring her femininity and making her practically a man *eyeroll*), but if you just write them as characters and people first, without worrying about pasting on “feminine things” (ex. a female warrior who’ll start randomly angsting about not being alive to bear children), then maybe it’ll result in less stereotypical characters.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Tonks, Bellatrix, and Umbridge showed up all at once in Book Five. Before that there was just Hermione as a major female character. Molly, Minerva, and Petunia are classic female cliches (Earth Mother, Spinster Schoolmarm, Evil Stepmother), and decidedly second tier, if not third.

Of course there are only five major characters in the series altogether. Upping the percentage of females would have required Albina Dumbledore or Severina Snape. Which would you prefer? Wise Old Grandmother or Wicked Witch? Or both?

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

Well, considering that Dumbledore is still widely considered to be Harry’s wise old mentor by fans at large, despite all that this community has said about him, I think that I would pick Albina if I had to choose between her and Severina. She would break stereotypes not only by being the mentor of a male protagonist (since protagonists in general rarely have female mentors), but also by being the archenemy of Voldemort, the Only One He Ever Feared. She would still be the extremely powerful and respected figure in the wizarding world. Severina, by contrast, would only receive her due until after she was dead, until after Harry had spent seven books despising her. So, I think that Albina would be a more positive example of female representation. Of course, if Dumbledore were female, I’m doubtful that her romance with Gellert would have been only revealed in a post-series interview.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

She would break stereotypes not only by being the mentor of a male protagonist (since protagonists in general rarely have female mentors)

The Irish legend Finn MacCool (Fionn mac Cumhaill) and Firestar, in the Warriors books, are exceptions to this. Their mentors are Liath Luachra and Bluestar, respectively. The Warriors books have about as many female mentors as male ones, and cats of both sexes mentor other cats of both sexes.

also by being the archenemy of Voldemort, the Only One He Ever Feared.

Bluestar is archenemy of Tigerstar, her former deputy who tried to murder her to take over ThunderClan.

Of course, if Dumbledore were female, I’m doubtful that her romance with Gellert would have been only revealed in a post-series interview.

It could still work that way if Gellert became Gellerta. Of course, that raises the other stereotypical problem: A woman's lover leaves her, and she is so devastated that her grief derails her formerly brilliant future, causing her to become a virtual nun and schoolteacher for the rest of her life. That's ridiculously old-fashioned, but given the antiquated ideals of these books, it would fit the subliminal messages, if not the surface ones.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

e used Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to stop us coming closer! I can’t believe my brothers would sell to that awful Slytherin.

It would have been nice to see the Twins learning this and regretting it.

—Snape told us to care for Professor Flitwick while he went off to fight the Death Eaters. Clearly all he was trying to do was distract us so he could go up and kill Dumbledore.

He doesn't curse you, keeps you out of danger and has an injured man receive help, obviously evil.

I want to believe that Bill and Fluer moved away, returning 19 years later to help Arthur after Molly dies.

Just because Dumbledore’s dead doesn’t give me the right to disobey his orders! I will follow them to the grave if I must!

Because Dumbledore's plan has worked so well so far.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

If Bill and Fleur have been living in France for nineteen years, that makes the otherwise emotionally-incestous Teddy-Victoire pairing less revolting. All those Weasley kids really need to get away and meet people they haven't been attending holiday parties with since they were embryos.