Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 29
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deathtocapslockHarry: I just can’t believe my angel is dead! He’s really, truly, completely dead! [Cries]
Hagrid: Harry, there’s still two chapters of this book left. Isn’t there something else you should be doing?
Harry: What could possibly be more important than mourning the loss of my precious angel Dumbledore?!
Ginny: Harry, will you listen to me if I tell you to come back to the castle?
Harry: Ginny, my sweet? Is that you?
Ginny: Yes it is.
Harry: Then I will obey.
[They go to the hospital wing]
Ginny: By the way, you’ll be pleased to know that everyone you care about survived the battle, thanks to that deus ex machine potion you gave us. Bill got badly scarred by the Death Eaters’ werewolf friend, but he’s alive.
Harry: Everyone I care about EXCEPT DUMBLEDORE you mean?
Ginny: If that’s how you want to put it.
[At the hospital wing, they find everyone standing around Bill’s bed]
Harry: Will Bill be a werewolf now?
Lupin: I don’t think he will, since Fenrir Greyback wasn’t transformed when he bit him. But I don’t know. This is really quite unprecedented.
Harry: You know what else is unprecedented?! Dumbledore is dead!
Lupin: Dumbledore is dead? I had no idea!
Harry: In fact, SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooileeeeeer aleeeeeeeert!
McGonagall: I thought I’d come to check on everyone.
Harry: McGonagall, McGonagall! SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeer!
McGonagall: Oh, no! This is terrible! I never though Snape would do such a thing!
Lupin: Harry, maybe you were right for repeatedly warning us about how evil he was.
Harry: Damn right I was! He’s been lying to you all along, I know he was! Why, the only reason Dumbledore trusted him was that he said he was sorry about my parents’ death! But I know he hated my father and disparaged my mother for being a mudblood!
McGonagall: Be that as it may…what I’m curious about is, how did the Death Eaters ever enter the castle?
Harry: It was a Vanishing Cabinet! There’s one in the Room of Requirement!
Ron: Yes, I remember following him to that room, but he used Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to stop us coming closer! I can’t believe my brothers would sell to that awful Slytherin.
Hermione: Really, Harry, this is all Luna’s and my fault—Snape told us to care for Professor Flitwick while he went off to fight the Death Eaters. Clearly all he was trying to do was distract us so he could go up and kill Dumbledore.
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
[Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]
Mrs. Weasley: Aaaagh! What’s happened to my precious son’s face?!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, Harry, is it true that Snape killed Dumbledore?
Fawkes: [singing] Thaaaaaaar be spooooooileeeeeeeeers!
Harry: Yes it is.
Mrs. Weasley: I just don’t know how Bill will ever marry now! Will that stupid French girl even like him anymore now that he’s no longer beautiful?
Fleur: I’m right here!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh. Hello, there.
Fleur: As a matter of fact, I do still love him, and I fully expect that he will still love me. He’ll always be handsome to me.
Mrs. Weasley: Am I being schooled on love and acceptance by a French bimbo?
Fleur: I’m right here!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, so you are. Ahem, well, anyway, now that you’ve proven that you will stand by my son even if he is no longer beautiful you have my undying love and support. I am happy to let you marry him.
Fleur: It’s about damn time.
Tonks: Fleur promises to stand by her man no matter what, even if he’s been scarred by a werewolf. So in conclusion, Lupin and I should get married!
Lupin: What?! But I’m old enough to be your father!
Tonks: But you’re the only one in my circle who’s eligible to marry me! And I must make a baby to leave behind as an orphan in the last book!
Lupin: What a horrible thing to even suggest!
Tonks: Alas, that is my fate as a minor character in this series.
Lupin: Maybe the author’s just doing reverse psychology and is telling you to do this so you won’t?
Tonks: No, this is an order straight from the top.
Lupin: That’s horrible! I feel so sorry for you that I have to marry you!
Tonks: We can commiserate together.
McGonagall: Well, while all the characters the readers are supposed to care about are getting married to bluntly force the point that happiness can come about even in hard times, I am off to do the actual work of cleaning up this school! Harry, come with me!
Harry: But…but…all I want to do is sit and mourn the death of my angel Dumbledore!
McGonagall: Come with me now! That’s an order!
Harry: You’re mean!
[But he follows McGonagall to Dumbledore’s old office]
McGonagall: Now, I want you to tell me what it is you and Dumbledore were doing last night.
Harry: That’s none of your business! Dumbledore told me never to tell you anything about what we were doing!
McGonagall: But Dumbledore’s dead. There are other factors to consider—
Harry: Just because Dumbledore’s dead doesn’t give me the right to disobey his orders! I will follow them to the grave if I must!
McGonagall: That’s only going to make things difficult for yourself.
Harry: I don’t care! I trust Dumbledore implicitly and will follow his orders right up to the last!
McGonagall: Well…is there anything at all you’d be prepared to tell me?
Harry: Well…it just so happens that the Death Eaters have Madame Rosmerta under the Imperius curse. That’s how so much poisoned stuff has been getting to us.
[Just then, the heads of house, and Hagrid, arrive]
Portrait: Headmistress, the Minister of Magic will be here soon!
McGonagall: God help us all. [to heads of houses] So…do you think the school should close?
Professor Sprout: No! Dumbledore would have wanted it to stay open!
Slughorn: But do we know that families will want their children at school after this?
McGonagall: You do have a point, Slughorn. This is worse than the incident with the Chamber of Secrets, and I did consider closing the school after that happened.
Professor Flitwick: Maybe we should reevaluate once we’ve met with the Minister?
McGonagall: What about you, Hagrid? Do you have anything to add?
Hagrid: I don’t understand such complex concepts as closing the school! What could I contribute to this discussion? Look at me! I’ve lost an arm and a leg and a few other appendages, and I have a giant spider’s leg around my neck! You can’t tell me you still take me seriously after all that!
McGonagall: [stifles giggles] Well…we want to give everyone’s opinion a fair and equal shot.
Hagrid: Well…it’s hard for me to imagine a Hogwarts without Dumbledore is all!
McGonagall: For once you’re making sense, Hagrid.
Harry: McGonagall, what will happen to Dumbledore’s body?
McGonagall: Well, he’ll be buried, most likely at Hogwarts—because after all, to all intents and purposes he was Hogwarts.
Harry: I say we give all the students a chance to attend his funeral so they can say good-bye!
Heads of house: Agreed!
[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]
McGonagall: Harry, it’s time you were gone.
Harry: Good idea! [Leaves]
Scrimgeour: Oh, come on! I’m unarmed!
[Harry returns to his dormitory, where Ron is sitting]
Ron: So, did you find a Horcrux, after all that?
Harry: No! This stupid locket is fake! The only clue we have as to where the real one is are the initials RAB!
Ron: Regulus A. Black, perhaps?
Harry: Oh, please! That would be far too convenient!
[Harry and Ron sit silently for a moment]
Harry: I’ve just noticed: Dumbledore’s Phoenix seems to have disappeared. Let’s see…. Snape killed Dumbledore!
[Silence]
Harry: I’ll try this again. Snape killed Dumbledore!
[Silence]
Harry: I suppose the Phoenix has died of grief over the loss of his master.
[Meanwhile…]
Fawkes: Hooray! That horrible human is dead! It is time I returned to my homeland in China! I heard there’s a snake who escaped from London some years ago who knows the way!
[And Fawkes flies off into the sunset]
Hagrid: Harry, there’s still two chapters of this book left. Isn’t there something else you should be doing?
Harry: What could possibly be more important than mourning the loss of my precious angel Dumbledore?!
Ginny: Harry, will you listen to me if I tell you to come back to the castle?
Harry: Ginny, my sweet? Is that you?
Ginny: Yes it is.
Harry: Then I will obey.
[They go to the hospital wing]
Ginny: By the way, you’ll be pleased to know that everyone you care about survived the battle, thanks to that deus ex machine potion you gave us. Bill got badly scarred by the Death Eaters’ werewolf friend, but he’s alive.
Harry: Everyone I care about EXCEPT DUMBLEDORE you mean?
Ginny: If that’s how you want to put it.
[At the hospital wing, they find everyone standing around Bill’s bed]
Harry: Will Bill be a werewolf now?
Lupin: I don’t think he will, since Fenrir Greyback wasn’t transformed when he bit him. But I don’t know. This is really quite unprecedented.
Harry: You know what else is unprecedented?! Dumbledore is dead!
Lupin: Dumbledore is dead? I had no idea!
Harry: In fact, SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooileeeeeer aleeeeeeeert!
McGonagall: I thought I’d come to check on everyone.
Harry: McGonagall, McGonagall! SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeer!
McGonagall: Oh, no! This is terrible! I never though Snape would do such a thing!
Lupin: Harry, maybe you were right for repeatedly warning us about how evil he was.
Harry: Damn right I was! He’s been lying to you all along, I know he was! Why, the only reason Dumbledore trusted him was that he said he was sorry about my parents’ death! But I know he hated my father and disparaged my mother for being a mudblood!
McGonagall: Be that as it may…what I’m curious about is, how did the Death Eaters ever enter the castle?
Harry: It was a Vanishing Cabinet! There’s one in the Room of Requirement!
Ron: Yes, I remember following him to that room, but he used Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to stop us coming closer! I can’t believe my brothers would sell to that awful Slytherin.
Hermione: Really, Harry, this is all Luna’s and my fault—Snape told us to care for Professor Flitwick while he went off to fight the Death Eaters. Clearly all he was trying to do was distract us so he could go up and kill Dumbledore.
Fawkes: [singing] Spooooooooooileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
[Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]
Mrs. Weasley: Aaaagh! What’s happened to my precious son’s face?!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, Harry, is it true that Snape killed Dumbledore?
Fawkes: [singing] Thaaaaaaar be spooooooileeeeeeeeers!
Harry: Yes it is.
Mrs. Weasley: I just don’t know how Bill will ever marry now! Will that stupid French girl even like him anymore now that he’s no longer beautiful?
Fleur: I’m right here!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh. Hello, there.
Fleur: As a matter of fact, I do still love him, and I fully expect that he will still love me. He’ll always be handsome to me.
Mrs. Weasley: Am I being schooled on love and acceptance by a French bimbo?
Fleur: I’m right here!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, so you are. Ahem, well, anyway, now that you’ve proven that you will stand by my son even if he is no longer beautiful you have my undying love and support. I am happy to let you marry him.
Fleur: It’s about damn time.
Tonks: Fleur promises to stand by her man no matter what, even if he’s been scarred by a werewolf. So in conclusion, Lupin and I should get married!
Lupin: What?! But I’m old enough to be your father!
Tonks: But you’re the only one in my circle who’s eligible to marry me! And I must make a baby to leave behind as an orphan in the last book!
Lupin: What a horrible thing to even suggest!
Tonks: Alas, that is my fate as a minor character in this series.
Lupin: Maybe the author’s just doing reverse psychology and is telling you to do this so you won’t?
Tonks: No, this is an order straight from the top.
Lupin: That’s horrible! I feel so sorry for you that I have to marry you!
Tonks: We can commiserate together.
McGonagall: Well, while all the characters the readers are supposed to care about are getting married to bluntly force the point that happiness can come about even in hard times, I am off to do the actual work of cleaning up this school! Harry, come with me!
Harry: But…but…all I want to do is sit and mourn the death of my angel Dumbledore!
McGonagall: Come with me now! That’s an order!
Harry: You’re mean!
[But he follows McGonagall to Dumbledore’s old office]
McGonagall: Now, I want you to tell me what it is you and Dumbledore were doing last night.
Harry: That’s none of your business! Dumbledore told me never to tell you anything about what we were doing!
McGonagall: But Dumbledore’s dead. There are other factors to consider—
Harry: Just because Dumbledore’s dead doesn’t give me the right to disobey his orders! I will follow them to the grave if I must!
McGonagall: That’s only going to make things difficult for yourself.
Harry: I don’t care! I trust Dumbledore implicitly and will follow his orders right up to the last!
McGonagall: Well…is there anything at all you’d be prepared to tell me?
Harry: Well…it just so happens that the Death Eaters have Madame Rosmerta under the Imperius curse. That’s how so much poisoned stuff has been getting to us.
[Just then, the heads of house, and Hagrid, arrive]
Portrait: Headmistress, the Minister of Magic will be here soon!
McGonagall: God help us all. [to heads of houses] So…do you think the school should close?
Professor Sprout: No! Dumbledore would have wanted it to stay open!
Slughorn: But do we know that families will want their children at school after this?
McGonagall: You do have a point, Slughorn. This is worse than the incident with the Chamber of Secrets, and I did consider closing the school after that happened.
Professor Flitwick: Maybe we should reevaluate once we’ve met with the Minister?
McGonagall: What about you, Hagrid? Do you have anything to add?
Hagrid: I don’t understand such complex concepts as closing the school! What could I contribute to this discussion? Look at me! I’ve lost an arm and a leg and a few other appendages, and I have a giant spider’s leg around my neck! You can’t tell me you still take me seriously after all that!
McGonagall: [stifles giggles] Well…we want to give everyone’s opinion a fair and equal shot.
Hagrid: Well…it’s hard for me to imagine a Hogwarts without Dumbledore is all!
McGonagall: For once you’re making sense, Hagrid.
Harry: McGonagall, what will happen to Dumbledore’s body?
McGonagall: Well, he’ll be buried, most likely at Hogwarts—because after all, to all intents and purposes he was Hogwarts.
Harry: I say we give all the students a chance to attend his funeral so they can say good-bye!
Heads of house: Agreed!
[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]
McGonagall: Harry, it’s time you were gone.
Harry: Good idea! [Leaves]
Scrimgeour: Oh, come on! I’m unarmed!
[Harry returns to his dormitory, where Ron is sitting]
Ron: So, did you find a Horcrux, after all that?
Harry: No! This stupid locket is fake! The only clue we have as to where the real one is are the initials RAB!
Ron: Regulus A. Black, perhaps?
Harry: Oh, please! That would be far too convenient!
[Harry and Ron sit silently for a moment]
Harry: I’ve just noticed: Dumbledore’s Phoenix seems to have disappeared. Let’s see…. Snape killed Dumbledore!
[Silence]
Harry: I’ll try this again. Snape killed Dumbledore!
[Silence]
Harry: I suppose the Phoenix has died of grief over the loss of his master.
[Meanwhile…]
Fawkes: Hooray! That horrible human is dead! It is time I returned to my homeland in China! I heard there’s a snake who escaped from London some years ago who knows the way!
[And Fawkes flies off into the sunset]
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Date: 2015-06-20 03:28 pm (UTC)Of course there are only five major characters in the series altogether. Upping the percentage of females would have required Albina Dumbledore or Severina Snape. Which would you prefer? Wise Old Grandmother or Wicked Witch? Or both?
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Date: 2015-06-21 12:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-21 02:01 pm (UTC)The Irish legend Finn MacCool (Fionn mac Cumhaill) and Firestar, in the Warriors books, are exceptions to this. Their mentors are Liath Luachra and Bluestar, respectively. The Warriors books have about as many female mentors as male ones, and cats of both sexes mentor other cats of both sexes.
also by being the archenemy of Voldemort, the Only One He Ever Feared.
Bluestar is archenemy of Tigerstar, her former deputy who tried to murder her to take over ThunderClan.
Of course, if Dumbledore were female, I’m doubtful that her romance with Gellert would have been only revealed in a post-series interview.
It could still work that way if Gellert became Gellerta. Of course, that raises the other stereotypical problem: A woman's lover leaves her, and she is so devastated that her grief derails her formerly brilliant future, causing her to become a virtual nun and schoolteacher for the rest of her life. That's ridiculously old-fashioned, but given the antiquated ideals of these books, it would fit the subliminal messages, if not the surface ones.